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Post by camismom on Apr 19, 2004 13:33:42 GMT -5
I have thought about this many many times, and being the mother of a girl, I have to say my answer would be yes. I would of course talk long and hard with her before this, explaining to her that sex is something you need to wait on, and do for the first time with someone you love. I would explain to her AGAIN the dangers of premarital sex, and share with her my stories. I had sex for the first time at a pretty young age, with a guy I thought I loved, but a guy that was only using me for another "notch on the belt." It was something that hurt me and to this day I remember how unfeeling it was. Not special, just going thru the motions. That in a nutshell is sex. I would explain to her the difference in "sex" and "making love" and how much better the latter is and how glad she would be if she could wait on that. My mom didn't do that for me and I gave in. Now, AFTER having this talk with her I would hop she would decide to abstain, but I would still support her with both condoms from protection of stds, and pills for further protection from pregnancy. I hope that with my talks, with being active in church, with all the teaching and counseling she gets from school and in her youth group, she will choose to wait.... BUT.... being a teenager myself once and remembering what it was like and working closely with teenagers as I do now, I also know they may tell their parent that they won't, but you never know what they're truly doing and I believe it is best to be safe than sorry. Others may disagree, but this is my opinion on the matter. Hopefully though, I have a few more years before I'm faced with this!
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Post by Linda on Apr 19, 2004 14:58:41 GMT -5
Christy..thank you for sharing so much of yourself,and I do agree with you.  |
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Post by BBW4EVR1 on Apr 19, 2004 21:24:53 GMT -5
The issue that I have with all of these "informative" talks that we are all supposed to have with our kids is that we would spend most of their childhood having these "heart-to-heart" talks and in the process we would be taking away part of their childhood. I truly believe that it is totally appropriate to say "No, because I said so, that's why" to a child. Would I say that to my 21 year old? No! Why? Because she is 21 and is emotionally able to handle the "heart-to-hearts" all of you are talking about! I will not reason or even try to reason with a 2 year old or a 10 year old at an adult level! That is ridiculous! Do my kids get mad at me? You bet! But, at age 21, my daughter has absolutely no doubt about my expectations of her and for her and she certainly knows where I stand on every issue that is important to her! She has even thanked me for "just saying NO!" OK-thanks for your patience and tolerance while I was on my soapbox--AGAIN!  I love all of you guys--even Ralph--the island hopper!  |
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Post by HooDunnit on Apr 19, 2004 22:58:31 GMT -5
In Canada, a person is legally an adult at age 18. My ADHD-son will be legally an adult in three months -- which is something that he points out to me.
Should my position be that in June my word is absolute, but in July I don't want to know anything about what he is doing because that would be too much information for me? It seems to me that those are both ways to not talk about something. I don't think of talk as reasoning, especially about something as emotional as sex, but as gradually shaping attitudes. It can take years to shape attitudes, and has to be age appropriate for each year.
Of course, this doesn't answer Linda's original question. To THAT question, I would say, "It depends."
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Post by sierra on Apr 20, 2004 1:11:49 GMT -5
I think I mentioned a while back that Bean Sprout is a puritan. He says no sex until after marriage. He's 15. So I think he's been through much of the hormone hopper already. His voice is sure low. basso profundo? But that's his story and he's sticking to it. For now. I've told him that I respect his choice and I'm real proud of him for his beliefs. I've also told him that sometimes hormones don't take the high road with the morals but that I sure hope he waits a few more years. 10 sounds pretty good! One day in the next couple years or so I'm gonna buy some condoms and I'm gonna tell him where to find them. Or maybe I'll chicken out and let DH tell him. Li'l Sprout has what I'd call elastic ethics. Everything is relative and everything is up for debate. For his health's sake I'm talking a whole lot about the risks of becoming sexually active. Especially the awful statistics that most new cases of AIDs these days are in young adults who contracted HIV as teens. Sometimes as young teens. I wish it weren't so. I wish boys and girls at thier school weren't sneaking into the bathrooms to have oral sex. I wish thatitwas just something you cook in. I wish that alcohol and cigarettes weren't so easy for very young teens to acquire. But that isn't the world I lived in when I was their age and it dang sure isn't the world they live in. They may make all the right choices. I have high hopes they won't mess up. But last spring their 15 yo cousin got a 14 yo girl pregnant. And now the two of them are raising a baby and squabbling more like brother and sister than two people who are responsible for a child. Their lives are changed forever. I hope they will find happiness. I hope they'll find happiness with each other. But happy or not they're looking at a minimum of 17 more years of responsibility for another young life. One good thing that came out of this experience is that my sprouts and several other cousins got the bejesus scared out of them. Bam. Their cousin isn't their age anymore. He has adult responsibilities whether he's ready or not. I guess both my nephew and his girlfriend are lucky they haven't been labeled with the sexual offender tag. Sort of like the Scarlet Letter 21st century style. I didn't feel this way before my nephew became a father to be. I didn't think I'd have to worry so much about this issue yet. But now I realize differently. No matter what my sprouts think at the moment, they are young and they are more impulsive than many of their peers. Li'l Sprout is oppositional and sometimes does something simply because he knows he's not supposed to. His cousin who is now a father is also ODD. I know how easy it is to back him into a corner and pretty much guarantee he'll do what I don't want him to do. And I'm not the only person in his life who pushes his oppositional buttons. That can happen anywhere. Anytime. These are my realities. These are my sons. These are their lives. Their futures. And the futures of the girls who may catch their momentary fancy. Just like a sweet but very childish girl caught my nephew's fancy for a moment. That moment is long gone but they're joined whether they like it or not by a child they made and brought into the world.  Bean Sprout is the age my nephew was. Tomorrow is now. I hope he's armed with information as well as a belief system I'm very grateful he's committed to. And maybe I better go ahead and buy those condoms. Maybe this is more immediate and more personal for us because of what has happened in our extended family. But I wouldn't be surprised if other families with a long history of ADHD don't have similar cautionary tales in every generation. We can say "do the right thing", "wait", "you're not ready". But my sprouts have more than just normal teen hormones pushing them around. They have ADHD. One has depression. One has ODD. Both their self esteems have suffered at the hands of teachers and peers since they first learned they were "different" before they even knew what the letters ADHD stand for. They are at risk. I love them and care for them and want the best for them and and will have a responsibility in all the decisions they make until at least age 21. Maybe longer. ADHDers don't grow up by the calendar. I sure didn't. I hope their lives will be at least as rewarding and enjoyable as mine is and has been. But we have a few more years of bumps and surprises to get through first. Batten down the hatches. In this house the teen storms are a-brewing. I have no illusions about just how rough those storms can get. |
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Post by Linda on Apr 20, 2004 6:30:35 GMT -5
BBW...I wouldn't even begin to suggest that you have these sort of talks with a very young child.I always answered Paul's questions openly and honestly when he was 10..and ONLY what he asked.Now he is 16 and it is another ballgame!!I only hope and pray that I have given him the tools to do the right thing.Seems to be working right now,but Like I have said before,our kids are very impulsive,and that worrys me.
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Post by vickilyn32 on Apr 20, 2004 8:55:02 GMT -5
We have a child/couple here who are both 14 and have a 6 month old baby. I have talked to both of my kids about this and they both say no sex untill married. DS wants to go to college for architecture and then be a pro basketball player. DD want to be a marine biologist and a pro cheerleader. They know that both dreams will be impossible with a child. Church is a big deal here so I am hoping that helps as well.
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Post by WasAMom on Apr 20, 2004 10:04:36 GMT -5
I had a baby when I was 16, she has grown up to be a beautiful 21 year old abstinent woman... for now! My mom never had the talk with me... I guess she assumed that with all my older sisters, someone had already done that. Yup, one of my sisters taught me about shaving my legs, a very useful talk I didn't know what was happening with my boyfriend... I had told him no when we started dating. But at that moment, he made me believe my words were really a YES. Obviously, he made a decision. First I was physically in pain, then emotionally. Then came the most terrifying time of my life... when I was late. And then the time to explain to my parents what had happened. By then, dear boyfriend was long gone (literally got on his bicycle and rode out of town!) I was lucky in a way. My family was very supportive. I "hid" under baggie clothes until I finished the school year. Then I spent the summer with my aunt 500 miles away, which all my siblings had done as teenagers too. My oldest sister and her husband couldn't have babies, so they adopted my daughter when she was born. They lived 2 hours from my parents, so I didn't see her that often when she was growning up. But I do know her. My sister and I agreed way back then that the decision to tell was up to her. There are times when I want to let her know... but that may be too much for all of us. My "niece" has joked over the years that her mother is too strict and she wished that a slob like me was her mother. A bitter sweet moment. Then there are the family reunions, when I see my own children playing with her, and I grab my camera to get a picture of all my children together. Those photos are my most treasured possessions! As I said, I was lucky. I got to see the baby grow, but I didn't have to struggle financially. I know from the life I have with my children now that I would have never made it as a teenage parent. I couldn't even afford to take her to McDonald's for a Happy Meal when I was in college... but I did get to college. My sister saved my life. Not physically, but certainly emotionally and financially. That once upon a time little girl of mine, is now a happy, healthy stable, college graduate too. My sister saved her as well. As uncomfortable as it may be to talk with your children now, imagine the talk I had with my parents, my sister, and the thousands of nights I cried myself to sleep over the years. TALK and support. Tell my story if you must. I was lucky because I got to see my baby grow up but didn't have the responsibilities that I do now as an adult. Most teen parents struggle their whole lives, the children suffer right along with them. If you chose adoption for the baby, then you miss out on so much, even when you know the child like I do. And the final thought. I had an affair with a man about 3 years ago. Unprotected. Then I found out how many other women he was seeing also. I was afraid to think for six months while I waited for the second HIV test to be done. Thankfully, again I was lucky. But it was an awful feeling for 6 entire months. And it wasn't just HIV, I worried about ALL the other STD's as well. PLEASE, teach abstinence first, then protection. BUT TALK IS WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT. JUST DO IT! |
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Post by finnmom on Apr 20, 2004 10:24:42 GMT -5
WasAMom Thank you for teeling your story, it is so thouching  I feel hapy for you, since look´s like despite that bad start, you´ve got your live straight and your daughter has good parent´s and loving family around her You shouldn´t underestimate your influense as a aunt, you are important for her Your story just confirmed my thought´s that silence is the most dangerous way to handle this with teen´s. Thank you and god bless you for being so mature at that point to make the right desicion Marja |
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Post by BBW4EVR1 on Apr 20, 2004 11:27:09 GMT -5
I am not saying don't talk to your kids--I am merely saying that I will not talk to my 10 ten year old in depth about a question he has regarding sex or anything else. The answer will be appropriate to his age and something he can understand! What is so difficult to understand about that! My husband is a firefighter, if I ask a question about a fire or some equipment, he explains it to me so that I can understand--not in firefighter talk--he speaks to what is appropriate for me to understand. We do the same with our kids. Please, you certainly can't take away from my posts that I simply close the door behind our children at age 18?! My children do know where baby's come from--and we do communicate. The difference at our home is that on tough questions and emotional issues our children have no doubt where we stand and what is right and wrong. If they make the wrong choice--then there are consequences--period. I would no more give our son a condom or our daughter birth control--just in case--any more than I would give them a gun just in case--to protect themselves. Communication is key-but condoms and birth control are not the answer. Perhaps a little more self control. It that expecting too much from our kids--absolutely not. Do we expect them to be perfect--absolutely not. But we do expect them to make wise choices. Would I give my child a clean needle just in case he decides to use drugs--I don't think so. In the past 20 years since we all have started the debate over birth control and have started giving it to our children more freely, I don't believe that the number of teenage pregnancies has declined. In fact I think it is the opposite. Anyway, my point is-particularily to Hoodunnit-that I have raised a beautiful, confident daughter--who by the way at age 21 and after dating the same young man for 6 years whom she is now engaged to-is still a virgin. She has told her dad and I many times that between her faith and our firm stance on sexual issues, that she made the decision when she was a freshman in high school that she would not have pre marital sex. She also told us that it hasn't always been easy to say no, but she knew what was right from our teachings. So, for those of you who don't think we have open communication at our house--we talk often--our children just know EXACTLY where we stand on tough issues. OK--I am done now! |
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Post by HooDunnit on Apr 20, 2004 11:58:21 GMT -5
RE "So, for those of you who don't think we have open communication at our house--we talk often--our children just know EXACTLY where we stand on tough issues."
It sounds like you have brought up a wonderful daughter. Good going!!
Barry
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Post by finnmom on Apr 20, 2004 12:36:28 GMT -5
I agree with Barry BBW, sound´s like you´ve got it nicely going in your house! Marja |
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Post by Linda on Apr 20, 2004 12:50:41 GMT -5
Very touching post WASAMOM....Thank you for sharing this...I think you have reached many people.God bless You |
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Post by AnneM on Apr 20, 2004 15:56:37 GMT -5
WasaMom THANKYOU from me too ... this speaks VOLUMES ... I think your message is such a strong one... Anne
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Post by songwriter on Apr 20, 2004 16:57:12 GMT -5
Am I the only one out there who beleives in the 10 commandments? Remember the one that says you should not commit adultury? There is no adendum stating that adhd ers are weak and exempt from this law God gave us for our benefit.
My wife and I waited till marriage before having sex(May I add that our love life is out of this world) God created us- dont you think it makes sense to' do it' his way?!
I expect no less from my children. I talk to my teenage sons about this topic very frequently.
Dont claim to be a believer but disregard his commands. true love is displayed through obedience. You who call yourselves christians-wake up and stand up for what you know to be right.
-songwriter
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