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Post by HooDunnit on Oct 17, 2004 17:47:01 GMT -5
Should ADHD teenagers who leave home under stormy circumstances (for example, to move in with a partner) continue to receive financial support from their parents? Or should they be on their own for a while to find out what the real world is like?
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Post by Linda on Oct 17, 2004 18:17:50 GMT -5
I guess it would depend on the circumstances and the age of the teen-ager....If he or she is past 18...I wouldn't finance them unless it was a real emergency.
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Post by rosyred45 on Oct 18, 2004 7:54:17 GMT -5
That's tough, only because mom and dad still help us out ever once in a while, that being said.
If he's out of the house, and being he's 18, he can find a job and support himself. PERIOD.
My husband had a job since the time he was 15 he paid for his own clothes, he paid rent, he gave his mom money for "groceries" that she claims to have bought, she either gambled it away or his younger brother and sister would eat it.
He's an adult now, it's called Welcome to the Real World, where money doesn't grow on trees and life doesn't stop because you say so.
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Post by amethist on Oct 18, 2004 7:59:54 GMT -5
I think if they are 18 or above then they know by now what it takes to survive most kids now wante to live at home at that age b/c they no that they have less responsiblities doing it that way.... and if they are moved out of your home what lesson are you teaching them if you keep paying their way?
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Post by milesofsmiles on Oct 18, 2004 8:44:07 GMT -5
I don't know how you would catagorize 'stormy'. Hopefully, I would have been able to have one last conversation to lay it on the line and let him know that he is an adult and this is an adult conversation on all of the responsibilities of adulthood. I would offer services for being a sounding board or advice, but not supporting financially. I was in a similiar situation where from age 13 I had to buy my own clothes, made sure I had enough for lunch, paying for it with my paper route and misc. jobs. I was provided a room until I was 17 and left for college. Paying for that was another whole story. So I don't really have a real problem with being financially independent, I have been doing it for so long, and it was a matter of survival or doing without. Miles  |
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Post by rosyred45 on Oct 18, 2004 8:59:06 GMT -5
Sounds about like my husband. Funny thing is, he got kicked out of the house, so he moved in with my family for a couple weeks while we were waiting to move to Delaware. We both had full time jobs so we paid half of everything to mom and dad, even paid rent to them. Which I think was fair because we were adults.
Now there's my SIL and BIL who are still at my in-laws, NOT paying for rent or bills----supposedly, but they are still there. At let's see, 27 and 24, my SIL had moved out, then moved back, then moved out then moved back. Who knows what she is doing now.
BIL finally got a job a couple years ago. He is the apitimy of the spoiled baby of the family. BUT he is starting to realize where Mike was coming from all those years. With MIL gambling and not taking care of the bills and FIL drinking everything away, he's learning.
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Post by eaccae on Oct 18, 2004 12:15:50 GMT -5
All of this is under the assumption that said teenager is 18 or older and finished with highschool. It is also under the assumption that the "partner" was not a bad seed, a drug user or abusive.
If a child of mine decides to move out - regardless of whether they are moving in with a "partner" or alone - they are responsible for paying the rent. If they have a job, work hard and show responsibility then I will support them in many ways - financially and nonfinancially - with other things that may crop up.
By partner I am assuming that you mean "lover". If the only issue with the partner was a same sex thing then that wouldn't be an issue (I am extremely religious but I will never let that issue affect my relationship with my child - no matter what my beliefs - after all - it is not MY life). I personally do not want either one of my children to even be having sex by the age of 18 - much less moving in with someone! But at some point we have to give up the control and watch on the sidelines as our children start to make their own decisions - which by law - is 18. I think that the best thing to do is support our children's decision as THEIR decision - not necessarily the brightest decision but it is their life, after all. I don't ever want to drive a wedge in my relationship with my child because sometimes it can be too hard to get that relationship back. But that doesn't mean that I would help pay for rent. The thing about being able to make your own decisions is that you have to 1) take responsibility and 2) take the consequences of your actions.
Now, if I were going to help my child out financially with living on their own BEFORE this issue - and my child KNEW this - and there was nothing necessarily wrong with the partner other than I didn't approve of the teenager moving in with the partner - THEN I guess I would still help out financially. But that is probably the only circumstance that I would do so. (My reasoning is that although I wouldn't approve - there comes a point when I can't force my own ideals upon my child - I have to hope that I taught them well but there comes a point when they have to figure these things out on their own and I must painfully watch from the sidelines and help them out the best way I know how along the way . . .)
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Post by jdmom on Oct 18, 2004 13:29:34 GMT -5
Barry - Remember I'm only 28 and I'm a single mom. Mom and dad of course helped support me while I was in college. But I also worked. Once I moved out on my own (on good terms) the money quit coming. There comes a time when you just have to cut the apron strings. If you continue to support them, they will never learn to make it on their own (my ex is a perfect example!!!!) Now, my mom and I talk daily. So she knows when times are tight. To help out she will go buy a few groceries and drop them off. Or if Jarrett needs clothes or shoes, she will get them if she knows I can't afford it. I would never allow her to pay a bill for me, and I doubt she would offer. My ex's parents bailed him out of every financial situation he has ever gotten himself into and he still doesn't know how to balance a checkbook to this day. If you feel the need to help out, do it in little unobtrusive ways like buying groceries. And the first time he comes to you for money, turn him down. "Welcome to the REAL world, buddy!"
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Post by HooDunnit on Oct 18, 2004 17:17:35 GMT -5
My son is 18, and is still finishing grade 12. We got about half a year behind due to homeschooling. He has not lived at home for about a month, and I don't see him returning. He had a part-time job and has now taken a second one so that he can save up some money. In some ways it is nice that he has moved out, because he was quite rebellious / defiant for the last six months. I told him I needed to sleep between midnight and eight in the morning.
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Post by Linda on Oct 18, 2004 19:24:52 GMT -5
Barry, the mere fact that your son has taken a second job tells me he is taking responsibility for himself.What is it you are worrying about?I think he will be fine.
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Post by HooDunnit on Oct 18, 2004 23:45:30 GMT -5
Well, my inlaws feel that he should be given no financial help at all, but I am a bit more of a softy. I see nothing wrong with the odd bit of assistence -- such as a meal, some gas, some winter clothes, etc. But I'm not going to pay his rent or anything like that, or buy him a new car. I'm just wondering how to find the right balance in it.
And I don't care how long he takes to finish grade 12. I've told him to do well at the classes that he does take, but not to overload himself. With working and the girlfriend, it is a lot to have going on at the same time. Mind you, she is really nice. I must admit that myself.
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Post by eaccae on Oct 19, 2004 7:04:59 GMT -5
Barry if I'd known you were talking about your son (you never know with you  ) then I'm sure he will be just fine! Linda said it - taking on the second job shows that he is trying to be responsible. And absolutely a little bit here and there is not a bad thing. I still get a little bit here and there from my mom and I'm 36. If I didn't my children probably wouldn't have two pairs of shoes or a winter coat  !! You have done such a good job so far I'm sure you will find the balance! (I don't think you're a softy - I think your'e a good parent)! And I'm glad his girlfriend is really nice! |
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Post by rosyred45 on Oct 19, 2004 8:01:51 GMT -5
Friends of ours just got married and moved out of the parents houses. Grantsed they are 21, BUT the moms were talking at the bank the other day and I over heard the guys mom say that as a house warming gift---no pun intended----Grandmom got them heating oil-----isn't that a hoot. They both also agreed that neither would give them money, but like JDmom and Eaccae, they buy stuff because they don't know what they money will be spent on. He's growing up Dad, be proud  |
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Post by finnmom on Oct 19, 2004 9:10:02 GMT -5
I think there is nothing wrong with a hot meal, or clothe´s for winter or anything similar, but I, also would hezetate giving him money.... at least if it come´s as a habit  I think you´ve desided it already and i think your way sound´s pretty good, so keep doing it. Sound´s like he is responsible enough( the other work) to take care of himself. I dont think that the circumstance´s he left home, have anything to do with this, if it was stormy and you´re still talking, how could that be worse that leaving in a peace... I think my fiew is generally for all who have leave their parent´s, no matter in how, but when they´ve gone, they should be taking responcible´s of their economy. My parent´s use to give us some potato´s, veggie´s...(they have a farm) and of course they just keep carrying all thing´s for kid´s but I´ll never ask them to, if they want to, then what can I do  |
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Post by jdmom on Oct 19, 2004 9:13:16 GMT -5
It's too bad that he didn't wait until he finished school before he moved out. It will make things a lot tougher for him, though of course, he doesn't realize this. "Hindsight is 20/20", they say. He is just trying to assert his independence. Chances are (about 75% I would think) he will move back in with you in a few months, if you allow it. At that age, they don't realize all the responsibilities that go along with having your own place. And then suddenly living with this other person.....it's a lot of stress for someone still in high school. He wants a taste of the real world, so make sure he gets a big bite. Be encouraging and supportive, but don't pave his way. One way or the other, it will all work out in the end!
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