love and money

[amethist]

I too have a 19 year old not living with us and I totally agree with eaccae... on evey point....
tinkerbell

[HooDunnit]

Thank you all so much for your input. This has been an awkward time for our family. But, you know, sometimes things have to change. People grow up, and parents have to begin to let go. It seems to me that this can be difficult for the parent of an ADHD child, as you have spent so much time helping them and trying to arrange accomodations for them. But at some point, they want to do it on their own. They want to try their wings. At the same time, they may be short of resources to do so. So the question is "How do you enable them properly?" You don't want to just drop them, since they are your child, but you want to encourage their independence.

[rosyred45]

First let them move out on their own and fail, move back home, move out, move back, move out.......kidding Barry. There's my life story in a couple lines.

I think because my parents and I are, well, at least mom and I are so close is because she knew that I needed to fail in order to realize what I need to succeed. BUT she was always there encouraging me and guiding me to the direction that she knew I needed to take.

Of course now I am thankful that she let me see and taste reality in a nurturing way. She never once said I told you so. She would say, "Well, it would have worked better this way, but your an adult you can make your decisions."

She bites her tongue still when she sees me doing something she would have done differently. But she let me live my life. Although, when we moved to Delaware they drew the line at me having a car insured under their name, so I had to give a little But taught us how to live with one vehicle.

[finnmom]

Barry

My ds is not moving out from home for a while now, but I think that you just have to let him loose and make sure he know´s you´ll be there for him if he need´s. Not nessecarily economicly bailing him out, but more like a support to lean on if/when he need´s. I think you´re kind a doing it just now, letting him come to see you, feeding him and listening him

My brother is most likely undx-adhd, he is/has been so much like my ds I´am sure my parent´s were terrified when he desided to move to our capital and live with his girlfriend( now a wife I love my parent´s, they make sure you know they´ll be there listening if you need them, they can´t help enormously economicaly, but they´ll never say "I told you so" They´ll more likely say " it could have been much worse. look at the bright site..."

I think that´s the way

[HooDunnit]

Yes, I agree with you Marja. That is very nicely expressed.

[Sorka]

It sounds like you have already struck a balance.. buying things like, groceries picking up the tab for a meal.. a few clothes here and there.. mabye a tank of gas..
My parents still do that all and I am 34!! (of course they also gave us a personal family loan of a large amount) But it is most definitely a loan with big strings attatched..

But it sure sounds like you have a good balance already... and remember.. he is YOUR child.. it is YOUR decision, and hey.. by now your parents should be letting you stand on your own eh? Let you make your own mistakes and decisions right? (who is it here that really needs to let the apron strings go?)
heheh
Denise

[tridlette]

I think that occasional... I want to see you, let's do lunch, my treat... is fine. IF HE COMES TO YOU saying, DAD, I'm starving so you have to feed me, well there is no lesson learned if you feed him. Give him a double looney and tell him to go buy enough bread and juice to feed himself for the week, maybe.

I didn't live on my own before I moved in with my DH on our wedding night, and we had a room mate move in a month later. I never learned housekeeping skills, or time management, or budgeting, etc. because it was always Mom and Dad having it under control, or DH who had been on his own for 6 yrs. by then.

So, I think it is EXCELLENT for him to learn to keep house and support himself with a nice little safety net around him. He knows that if he is struggling, he will be accepted back to a loving home with no REAL hard feelings. He has everything to gain from this experience, while knowing that he has love and support to keep his level of comfort within reach.

I wouldn't GIVE him money on a regular basis, but treat him the same as always. If you are out together, and you both want to stop for a soft drink, go ahead and get it.

[HooDunnit]

My son told me yesterday that he has found a third job now -- as a frame builder in a motorcycle shop. He also went home and picked up more of his stuff. I know that he will never live at home again. He's been waiting for this kind of independence for years. Oddly enough, when I see him and his girlfriend (who is 24) they seem like they have been together for a lot longer than a month. They move together and talk more like a couple, if you know what I mean. Maybe living with each other accelerates bonding, I don't know. It will be interesting to see now how he finishes his grade 12 classes. I can't see how he has any time for studying, although he claims to be able to get his homework done at school during his spares.

I am very happy that my son has found such a good friend. As an ADHD child, he was lonely and rejected for so many years, almost his whole life. I've had to carry him all the way and keep talking to him. Now there is someone else there, who likes him IMMENSELY. She has had other relationships and is tired with all the players. She sees in him a real nice guy. I really like the fact that she likes him, as I like him too. And she seems wonderful and oh so practical. Her main job is to work as a nurse in a nursing home, but she moonlights at some other things. And she is also very beautiful. They are both so healthy and beautiful looking. Bright eyes, nice smiles. FUN.

[Linda]

Barry,It is so nice to hear you so upbeat about your son.I am so happy for you....plus it takes a load of stress off from you and your family.

How is Ben taking it with big brother gone?

[HooDunnit]

Ben has expanded to fill the space and is happy to see Robin when he does.

Robin was here in my bookstore all afternoon. Quite clearly, I haven't gotten rid of him. Parenting doesn't seem to end when a child moves out. But it changes and becomes more like friendship and helping one another out I guess. He wondered if I might buy him a new Dodge Magnum and I said, "I don't know about that!" I suppose that I should have said, "Dream on."

[Linda]

You are right Barry...parenting does not end when they move out...It seems to go on and on and on I t is really great though to be finally friends with my kids besides "just their mom".They look at me differently too....my youngest Scott thinks I am from another planet!!

[stinker]

nice boy

[Linda]

haha....very nice boy! ;D

[AnneM]

I agree with so many of the others .... to help out shouldn't be "hard cash" but in other ways ... e.g. I love the heating oil idea of Kaiti's friends! .. Something like that can help sooo much but is not just giving them "cash" that they can spend on any old thing and then STILL not have any heating oil!! ...

In my opinion .. yes ... keep helping a little for now ... but make it in practical direct (non-cash) ways which really DOOO help soo much but are not just a simple handing over of money....

[rosyred45]

How's Robin doing Barry?

And it's great that you can see him for him and not the little rugrat that was a pain in the butt.

Hopefully everything is going smoothly