The "I don't know where to put it" thread.

[Dad2Brooke]

Well, this morning I came about as close to melting down as I ever have.

My head just locked up and I don't even remember driving to work.

I remember all I could think about was Brooke and how absolutely helpless and useless I felt.

Here is my story:

Most of you know about the school problems of trying to get an IEP, the cul-de-sac problems with other kids, the issues with homework, the maybe "sexual inappropriateness" issue, etc. etc. ad infinitum...

Snowballing, snowballing, snowballing....

This morning, I confronted a couple of the parents at the bus stop. I started off with, " Did you get my letter or do you just don't care?" (In retrospect, that wasn't exactly the greatest opening line.)

It pretty much went downhill from there. Playing it back in my mind on the way to work, one comment from the ringleader parent keep echoing through my mind, "Your daughter has sexual issues, hitting issues and I am not about to let my daughter play with her. She needs counseling. You can't solve it by hiding behind a keyboard and typing letters."

All apologies, but I have always thought and felt that I could fix any problem about myself with sheer will and determination. That people who where "messed up" in the head, were just to weak to fix their own problems. Therapy and psychobabble were just another way to make money off of people that aren't willing to help themselves.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, I guess.

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke what have I done? Or what haven't I done? I can't "fix" you honey. I can't. I'm not capable. I'm lost and I floundering, and the world doesn't care about you like they should. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

The schools say they care, and then prove by actions that they don't. Why so long to get help? Why so hard to get help? Why can't they do the right thing? What is the right thing?

The parents are just protecting their children. What is wrong with that? But why do they have to go about it so detrimentally to Brooke.

I know I am ranting, and raving.

Bottom line, I need help to help my daughter. My daughter needs help.

Is therapy the answer or will it do more harm. Who do I talk to.

I wrote a letter and faxed it to Brooke's ped (ironic isn't it, but, phone calls are always returned later rather than sooner and I need answers now!) Asking him if he could recommend some one for counseling. I left a message with the school pyschologist. I'm in luck she in the office today, funny, she hasn't returned my call, yet. I'm being harsh and cynical, I'm sure that she is busy, after all, only about 6 million kids in this country have ADD or ADHD. Even though all it really is bad parenting.

God, I am so lost, and discouraged and disillusioned, and lost.

All I truly know is that I love my daughter, and she needs help.

[finnmom]

:'(DadtoBrooke
This can be so overwhelming and sad sometimes, feel´s like one has no control over anything of his own life. I´am so sorry for you, sound´s like you are doing whatever possible, hang in there. You can´t do everything, sometime´s you have to wait for other´s to do their task´s (boy´does that waiting suck!!) Your situation sound´s really hard, I guess that this sexually inapropried behaviour is what scares/bother´s those other parent´s most. I can only wish you luck!!(it´s not much, i know )
Marja

[lovemyson]

I don't have answers for you...I just read your message and my heart breaks for you and Brooke. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....You and Brooke are lucky to have each other......

[mommyclaire]

DadtoBrooke,
I'm so sorry for the feelings you are having, the frustration and desperation you are experiencing, and for the sense of aloneness. I know it well. Sometimes it feels as if we are the only person in the whole world who really cares about our child. Thank goodness Brooke has you. She is very fortunate to have a father who is so dedicated to her.

For me, when I get into a funk, when it all seems too overwhelming, the only thing that really helps is to take action. If I sit mired in my misery, it grows larger and larger. So, it sounds as if you are taking action by calling the school psychologist and faxing the pediatrician. I know it's frustrating having to wait for a response and it's easy to infer that they simply don't care. That is surely not the case, but from your vantage point, it's understandable.

I don't know a lot about your situation, whether Brooke has received counseling or not in the past, but you definitely need the help and support of a professional therapist. It may take a few tries to find the right match with your daughter, but don't give up. Let go of any biases you have regarding therapy and pyschologists, for the sake of your daughter. She needs help and your "hang-ups" (for lack of a better word) are standing in the way of that. It sounds as if she does need counseling, and no, it won't make matters worse. I recommend meeting with several therapists before you introduce Brooke to any of them. One will feel more "right" than the others. Take this step. You won't regret it.

Here's my last bit of advice. Don't beat yourself up so much. You sound as if you are trying to make everything okay, which is natural - but impossible. It's hard to learn, but we cannot single-handily help/heal our children. It's natural to feel the pain of helplessness now and then, but once you reach out, find professionals to help you, you'll see that you aren't alone at all, and things will get better. No, the world won't care or love Brooke as you do, ever, but there are people who want to help. Just find them.

Forgive the parents at the bus stop. They love their children as much as you love Brooke, and they just don't understand how hard it is to be you.

Hold on, and tell us how you feel tomorrow. We're all with you,
-Claire

[AnneM]

Dad2Brooke ... your last sentence speaks 1 million (+) words ... you LOVE your daughter and have recognised she needs help .... THIS is more important than ANYTHING else .... I promise you that.

The recognition that our kids "need help" and our "love" are the two most important elements in moving forward.... without these two essentials (and there are a lot of kids "out there" who don't have these two essentials) then the road is much bleaker .... but WITH them you can and will make giant steps forward! The one really BIG thing we all have in common here is that we all really "Care" ... (we wouldn't be here if we didn't) ... this is probably a more important link than the fact that our kids all have adhd/add!!

I am not sure if therapy is the answer!! We have never trodden that road ... but I am sure there are others who have who can give a good answer on that ...

Moving to medication just for a moment (and I do know this is only ONE of many treatment options available and should not be seen as a "stand alone" treatment... but is Brooke on medication at present? If so what is she on and how is this helping her?

Oh !! ... and one more question ... how old is Brooke?

[Dad2Brooke]

AnneM said:

Moving to medication just for a moment (and I do know this is only ONE of many treatment options available and should not be seen as a "stand alone" treatment... but is Brooke on medication at present? If so what is she on and how is this helping her?

Oh !! ... and one more question ... how old is Brooke?

AnneM, yes Brooke is on Meds. Currently she is taking Strattera (25mg) and Guanfacine(1mg). She was on Concerta, but started Straterra on Nov 7th. We didn't lose any ground in the switch but we didn't really gain any either.

We have tried all of the major meds available in the last 3 years. Some worked for a while, some never worked and some had so many side effects that the negatives outweighed the positives.

Brooke is 7 years old.

To everyone else, thanks for your words of support. I know I can't "fix" it but I can help.

I will definately have to let go of my biases about therapy. I believe Brooke needs help in that area, and I am unable to do it myself, but I can get it for her. Regardless of any beliefs that I have, I will do whatever it takes, and explore any avenue if it helps Brooke. Probably, in the process, I will learn a thing or two myself.

The school pyschologist just called and gave me some numbers of orgs locally that can help and maybe recommend professionals for Brooke.

Also, I just missed a phone call from her pediatrician.

I do know that they do care and are trying to help. It is just that the wheels of progress move so maddeningly slow. Also, for every stride forward it seems that you take at least a half a step back.

We will get through this. Maybe this mornings funk will prove cathartic.

Thanks again for all of the support. Have I mention lately what a great bunch of people are on this site? ;D

[Linda]

Ralph...Please do not give up..I understand your frustration,but the love you have for your daughter is undaunting...and she needs you to be the best advocate you can be for her.No one knows her better than you do



Do not give up!

[Mom of Teens]

Good luck with whatever option you try for Brooke. I know that sometimes I would go into doomsday mode when I had an episode with my ds. I would try everything possible (talking with doctors, teachers, counselors, etc.) because I would be in a panic about the problem. However I always found that the next day, it didn't seem to be so gloomy. Still the problem was there to deal with, but I knew I had to take it one day at a time, and I didn't treat it like an "emergency" situation, knowing that tomorrow could be better.

Also during these situations I would try to sit with my ds and give him an extra hug and tell him I loved him. This always kept things in perspective with me, knowing that I was the only one who really cared, therefore I was the only one who could really get the ball rolling (and keep it rolling) on any treatments or support for my son.

Just make sure that you believe in yourself, that you ARE doing the right thing for your daughter.

[milesofsmiles]

Dad-

There was a point earlier this summer when I was totally overloaded, nobody understood the daily issues I was going through. I did turn to counciling and it did turn our lives around (at least allowed me to cope with the issues). It did let me think of things in a new perspective and dig into why things were happening instead of just reacting to them when they did.

You have a lot on your plate. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.

Miles

[RiahBubbaPooh]

Dad2Brooke,

Boy, do I feel your pain. I am so sorry you are struggling through this. This kind of frustration is what led me to try homeopathy for Bubba. We should be starting this week. The Feingold Program brought us so far, huge leaps. But my poor boys life is on hold right now, because he can't function.

I'll be praying that you find the answers you need.

[Lost and Looking]

I know where you are coming from. Wish I had an answer for you...or for my son, for that matter. We just have to keep fighting for our kids and do the best we can for them. We are trying the counseling rout ourselves right now, but what happens when the insurance benefits run out??

Well, all the best to you and your daughter.

[Amsmom]

Dear Ralph,
Don't be so hard on yourself. I understand the feeling well, though. All we want to do is help our children through this difficult ride and when people are so ignorant, it blows us out of the water. Believe me, that "ringleader" does not sound very stable herself. Anyone who would attack you (& Brooke) after you reached out for their understanding has some serious problems of her own. It may actually be a good thing that Brooke does not associate with that family after all. But I know, it still hurts, how can people not listen and understand your pleas for acceptance of your precious child? As others have said, Brooke is so lucky to have you as her Dad. It is clear that you adore her, want only the best for her and will do whatever necessary to achieve that. Treatment for ADHD (and comorbid disorders) is most effective when medication and "talk therapy" go hand-in-hand. My son has been going to therapy since he was 3 and been on meds since he was 4. He is now 7-1/2. At this age, they do a lot of play therapy and when the children get comfortable they often open up and talk about their feelings. It is a very slow process, but so beneficial. I also go to therapy. It is an excellent outlet to discuss my feelings on raising my son with his special needs. I talk about issues that he goes through and I also get to vent when I am exhausted, worn out and sometimes depressed over his behavior, problems with the school, problems with other people who do or don't understand. It is such an important tool, I cannot imagine not having our therapist. I understand that it may be hard to accept, but it is monumental in the relief and help it can provide.

[Jorgy]

Ralph, I feel your pain. I also have gone to therapy with my son. ADHD affects the whole family. The counseling was great for us and it was good for me to get some things "off my chest". The therapist was great with working with us on behavior mod and forgiving oneself. He also was good for someone for all my other kids to talk to on the issue of thier brother and his problems. I'm sorry about the neighbors. One sypathetic neighbor would make all the difference. Want to move to Wisc and be my neighbor? We are all here for you and Brooke. I'm praying for you both. God Bless, Sue

[AustinsMom]

I hope that it helps to realize that we all understand where you are coming from and how this feels. I agree that counseling can be a great tool to use to help Brooke and you through these difficult years. My husband is a psychologist, so I may be biased, but there are several in his practice who work with children, and who are dedicated, caring professionals who really have a heart for children. It will be primarily play therapy at this age, so Brooke will not feel awkward, and it will soon become a safe place for her to vent her feelings through her play. And speaking as someone who has utilized therapy before, it can be an invaluable outlet for you also. You are Brooke's most valuable asset--you need to take care of yourself, cause she needs you. When I look back over crisis points with Austin, I see that the frantic searching I have done out of desparation, usually leads me to something new to try or some new understanding that is valuable for Austin. So hang in there. You are doing everything humanly possible, and all of this will benefit Brooke in the end. God bless.

[GSDMommy]

Hey Dad,

I have been there. Often times you feel like you are trying to educate the world to make it better for your kid. I sometimes feel that if more people just knew about this stuff, they would be more sympathetic. Unfortunately, not only are they ignorant, but in some cases, they are happier that way. Hard to believe, but it does happen.

The other parents are tough to deal with when you have doubts about the situation yourself. I know when I was coming to grips with stuff, the last thing I needed was other people trying to get into my process and force me ahead of where I was at that point. Sometimes you have to shunt them to ground until you have gotten things comfy in your head.

Counseling is a challenge and there is pain associated with any growth, so hang in there. It has taken me a few years to find the right therapist <one who listened to BOTH sides> and would believe me. Once you find that person, they can be your ally in the world when there is no one else. They can be your backup when you say things to your kid that they ignore. A counselor is <when they are good> your best impartial observer and viewpoint into your world. Sometimes you can see things through their eyes you don't see because you are involved in the situation. Talk to other people and see who is good in your area. Ask around. If it requires a longer trip than you expect, I can tell you , it may be well worth it! I don't know where in the country you are, but there are practices in my area that come highly recommended but weren't a good fit for us. I found a hidden jewel and have hung on for dear life!!LOL!!

You will get through this, this is only temporary and Brooke will be a tougher kid than the standard kid. She is going to push the world harder, she is going to want to know more in depth than the world wants to give, so you are raising an individual who will be better off in the world because you care enough to get her help. Being a girl, more people also tend to have a stricter definition of what little girls do. So she is going to bump up against society rules as well . No fun, but she may end up stronger for it. Best of luck, Dad!