I hate alcohol!

[Honeysmom]

I am so fricking mad!!! I am sorry to be so harsh, but I really need to have a good vent.

I love my DH to death, I think... Some days, many lately, I wonder. I met him in a bar, and someone warned me about that, but I didn't listen.

Anyhow, DH has a long history of alcholism in his family, I do also, but somehow it seems to have skipped me. My DH is a bigtime binge drinker and I am sick of it. I am honestly to the point that I am considering a seperation from him. This hurts so much to say, but I am so sick of this.

We play on a volleyball league on Sundays. We start at 4:00 and that is when he starts. He can't handle what he could 5 years ago and does not know when to stop, or he doesn't want to. He is starting to remind me so much of his dad and I don't think I could live the rest of my life with his dad. He doesn't even like his dad.

Here is our typical night. We go to volleyball, things are going well. Then about 6:00 he is getting a buzz and having fun. Then by 8:00 he is drunk, being an a**, and on my last nerve. The whole time I am sober as a stone, and fuming. Then the next day he resolves to never do it again and apologizes. Last weekend I had it with him. He has this habit of leaving me at the bar and going off with friends (guys) and then getting himself in worse shape. I finally left him there and took the car myself. I figured if his friends were good enough to haul him off for fun, they would be good enough to take him home. They didn't, a friend of mine drove 12 miles in the wrong direction to bring him home with DH giving him a hard time the whole way. I don't even care anymore that he leaves, I am getting to be a bitter person about this.

I just don't know what to do. He won't do counseling b/c it interferes with work and he can't get off for it. He doesn't think he has a problem so he won't even go to AA, just to "listen" as I suggested. I don't want to give him an ultimadem (sp) b/c then I may have to follow through and I don't want to, but I am at a loss.

I just had to get this out. I don't know, if I didn't do it right this second, I would brush it off in the morning and then be mad at myself next time.

Thanks for listening to me...Becky

BTW, it doesn't help to stay home b/c come heck or high water he will turn one thing every week into a drinking event.

[rosyred45]

Becky, oh I know what you mean about turning everything into drinking event. Hubby and I have had our shares of that, but I guess I'm not much of a help along those lines.

As with the ultimadum. What he needs to realize, mind you I said HE needs to realize is that it IS effecting you and the rest of the family. An uncle of my husbands has been sober 14 yrs. He said that when he was in rehab, he thought it would teach him how to control his drinking. Well, it put him in touch with God. He said since he asked 14 yrs ago to not even WANT to have the urge to drink he hasn't. He has turned to the Lord for his strength and asked for his help.

I don't want to offend anyone and turn this into a sermon, but Jerry needs to have it in him. Maybe he needs the reality check of an ultimadum. I know I get caught up sometimes, and I really try to not drink, because when I do, I DO. And it's not funny or pretty. It just takes over. It's starts with that first sip until the I wake up and wonder what was what. I haven't been that way for a while, but I am starting to understand what Mike's uncle is talking about.

Prayers to you Becky
Kaiti

[aimee30]

I don't know what to say either. My DH drinks too, but I have never seen him drunk or even a little tipsy! I know if you give him an ultimatum, you absolutely follow through with it....if he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain.

I had to give my XH an ultimatum once or twice, but I got my point across and things eventually changed. Of course I had to follow through with my "threat" to him and separate. It was hard. Especially since I had two little ones at home. One time I didn't even have a car!

All I can say is I will be thinking of you and hoping that things work out for the best.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Honeysmom]

Thanks to both of you.

I am going to make the ultimadum, I have to. I called Human Services today to find out about low-income housing and anything else that would help me until I get on my feet if it came to it. (getting that job last week was a blessing in disguise) I don't think it will, I plan on presenting all of this to him at our 6PM meeting tomorrow.

I know that sounds silly, but we had a really bad day with both of our kids and I want to have a good and open talk about this. Since we fought with the kids all night we were both stressed out and I didn't think it was the time. We talked a little bit and decided to set up a "meeting." I did get some HUGE apologies, and that is a good sign, he is usually oblivious to any mistake he makes. During one part of the conversation he also shed a few tears. (don't tell him I told you that-- ) I think when he sees that I am serious and planning to follow through if I have to it will make a difference. If it doesn't make a difference and I have to follow through and he still doesn't change, IMHO, that is a sign.

But I pray to God I don't have to follow through. I don't want to, but I'd have to. For both of us and the kids. It will work out, I have faith that it will.

Thanks for your support in this, I hate to post this kind of stuff, but someone here ALWAYS understands.

Becky

PS. I also am going to go to one of those Al-alon meetings on Wednesday evening. I told him that is for me, and has nothing to do with him. And really it doesn't, I have to take care of myself to take good care of my family.

[Linda]

Becky...I read and re-read your post and I wish I had something to say to help you but I don't.

I think you are doing everything possible to save your marriage and I commend you for it. I truly hope your husband gets the help he needs and I will be thinking of you. You have my support.(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

[Honeysmom]

Thanks Linda, I appricicate that.

[finnmom]

Becky, I´am so sorry for you

It does sound like he has a reall problem with alcohol, at this point it doesnt affect to his work or anything so it´s easy to ignore It´s not easy for you

I cant say I have similar problem´s, I hardly drink at all:class of wine sometime´s, hubby has had his share younger, no problem tho, nowaday´s it´s very little I´am so happy because I cant stand him drinking at all

I think you´re right about making an ultimatum and sticking on it. Talk about it, make very obvious it´s the alcohol, not hubby that make´s you to do this. I wish you luck!!!!(((((((((((((((((hug´s))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Marja

[aimee30]

Becky,

Just wondering how things went? I am assuming that you had your meeting. Hope all is well.

aimee

[Honeysmom]

Aimee, yes we did have the meeting. I was so nervous! I really thought I was going to chicken out, but I didn't.

I think I did a good job of saying what I had to. I said that I felt like I was married to two different people. One that I have during the week and is a great hubby and father, and another that I named Steve (after an old alter ego joke we have had for years). I told him that I don't like Steve and why. Then I just said that I don't mind if he has a drink here and there, but he is out of control with it and it has to stop. I told him if it does not then I am going to have to leave with the kids. I said it was his final warning.

To let him know how serious I was I told him that I talked to Human Services and contacted the people about housing. I also told him that I don't want to do this, but if I have to I will. The decision is ultimately his. He said that he knows he has this comming and is going to take control of it now.

Then I also told him that if he wants a wife during the week, but wants the life of a single guy on the weekends, I can be his new best buddy. He is not one to fool around on me, but with the drinking comes world-class flirting. Flirting usually does not bother me b/c I know that he is comming home with me and that is as far as it goes, but when drinking it is hard to tell how far he would take it. I know being drunk is not excuse, but it does cloud our judgement.

I just said that I deserve someone who loves me and wants to make me happy. Those were hard words to get out. 6 months ago I never would have said it. I am starting to come along. (thank you therapy!!)

So now I wait and see what happens. He knows this is not a hollow threat. I also told him that I am willing to help him however I can, but I can't help him if he won't let me. We'll see.

I also said that I was going to the al-alon meeting and he has to be home to watch the kids. There was not room for discussion. I told him that he better work his little tail off at work tomorrow so be home by 6:45 so I can go. If he isn't home by 6:30 I am dropping the kids off at work for him to watch there. No more Miss Push-over at this house. Whenever I start to go a little soft I just remember how mad I was the other day, and remind myself that if I back down Honey is going to be just like his dad in 20 years.

Thanks so much for all of your support, I really needed it. I feel so silly posting such personal stuff, but I trust the advice of you all so much I knew you'd help me. I hope everyone has a great day!! Becky

[Linda]

Wow Becky...you really have it together...I admire that...also..I am glad you have a job...how is that going?

[aimee30]

Sounds like things went pretty well. Just stick to your guns!!

[HooDunnit]

I think that he just has to quit drinking, period. There are no part ways for an alcoholic. And I don't think you should help him. He has to do it, if he wants the kind of life that sobriety can offer him -- feeling healthy, wife and family, showing up for work on time, more money in his pocket, etc. I am glad that you are going to Al-anon meetings. You will learn not to be an enabler. Those meetings will strengthen and detach you. I took my brother to AA a year ago. I don't drink but, because of anxiety problems, he couldn't face going by himself. So I went too and said that I was an alcoholic too and drank a long time ago (which is true to some extent). But, at any rate, my brother is now having his first anniversary of sobriety. He is scared of going back to drinking. I told him that just because I have cancer, I don't want him going back to drinking. He says he won't do that.

Good Luck,
Barry

[Honeysmom]

Barry, Congratulations to your brother!!

When I say I will help him I guess by that I mean I will support him and offer encouragement. This is his decision, not mine. I can't make him do anything, but I can react as a result of what he does. He understands this so we just have to wait and see. Nothing will happen until after the weekend b/c he never drinks during the week. He knows he won't wake up for work if he does he needs lots of sleep.

Linda, work is good. I really like it and the money is a lot better than I thought it would be. This really is working out nice for me.

Becky

[AnneM]

{{{Becky}}} ... I can relate to this! ... My DH used to be a binge drinker ... I say "used to" because he in fact completely stopped when he was diagnosed with colon cancer 5-6 years ago ... but prior to that he used to binge drink ... and I HATED it ... Like you i would be sober .. and there is something very stupid about people who are drunk when you are stone-cold sober eh? My dh was a little different that you describe your dh in the respect that my dh would go for weeks and weeks without even touching alcohol ... or just having literally a glass ... and then suddenly he would get into a certain social situation and it would become uncontrollable ! ... It really was ALL or NOTHING! ... and it was totally unpredictable! ... and embarrassing! ... and turning Jeckyll into Hyde (or vice versa!) ...

Sam does not remember those times ... and in fact I always made sure he never witnessed his father drunk ... to Sam his father is "not a drinker" at all ... but it definitely WASN'T always that way ... !

I think your ultimatum is a good one ... but I also think that problems with alcohol IS a disease and one that needs a cure ... That cure can come about in a number of ways ... it might be a fright/a shock (and your ultimatum MIGHT just provide this!) or whether it is ill-health (in the case of my husband) or just sheer determination to "beat this thing" (like Barry's brother at AA) ..

I wish you and Jerry LOTS AND LOTS of luck... it is very clear that you love each other and THAT is one giant step forward in the right direction ...

{{{ Becky & Jerry}}}

[HooDunnit]

A scare helps. The last straw for my brother was when he had alcohol poisoning and had to be hospitalized. But, even then, there is a tendency to eventually go back to drinking or binge drinking unless you willfully choose a different life for yourself. Once you start feeling a little better, you feel you can still do it -- have a nip here and there. Because everything is an excuse to drink for an alcoholic.

In fact, any person with any addiction gives themselves permission really easily. And they will throw the question back on you. That is part of their denial. I asked my friend, who has a porn addiction, "Are you not addicted to porn?" His reply was, "What's normal?" -- as if it was for me to figure it out for him. Then he said, "Well, I have no other social life." Oh, poor fellow. Too many games.