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Post by Honeysmom on Jan 17, 2004 18:29:31 GMT -5
I agree ADHDtimes4. I never thought of it that way before. I suppose that it is like when you make kids share it's not really sharing. I like that idea. I think I am going to explain it the way Rosyred said and then very strongly encourage him to admit that he was wrong in his actions. This is not a bad idea!  |
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Post by AustinsMom on Jan 17, 2004 20:48:52 GMT -5
My ds's apologies are insincere and brief when he is still angry, but then once he cools down he shows genuine remorse and apologizes nicely. For the angry times we have specific rules so that even if it is insincere, at least it is an official apology. He has to look the person in the eye, use a normal tone of voice, and state specifically what he is sorry for. But I agree with the previous posters that admitting you are wrong may be harder and is something I'll consider using too.
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lofo
Member
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Post by lofo on Jan 17, 2004 23:45:36 GMT -5
We also ask for forgiveness in our home. Admitting guilt and asking forgiveness really gets to our sprouts' hearts especially when reminded of the golden rule.
The only time we give apologies is for accidents like spilling the milk, accidentally bumping into the completed lego set, forgetting where I put my keys and making us late, etc. Many childhood immature acts are just accidental and are not exactly challenging the authority. We say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ______". Just saying the word "sorry" doesn't cut it, and no snotty attitudes are accepted--we have to nip pride in the bud.
Complete disobedience or defiance are thought out concious decisions to go against authority. Many sibling rivalry problems stem from disobedient wrong choices in selfishness, jealousy, pride, or anger.
The manner in which adults are seen asking forgiveness of each other is the best lesson in forgiveness and humility for our children. How do you exemplify this with your spouse and even with your children? Have you ever asked your child's forgiveness? I wrongly punished DD4 until I saw a neighbor's cat committing the childlike act. I immediately was disappointed in my poor decision. I told her that even Mommy can make mistakes and then asked her forgiveness.
This is only our goal as we are still learning ourselves. We sometimes have to prompt our children to ask forgiveness or apoligize. I feel I shall not grow weary in this prompting, I know God still has to prompt me too!!!
My DS9 is just now apologizing on his own, I still remind him of asking forgiveness. You know now he really gets eaten up inside when he thinks someome hasn't forgiven him and holds a grudge, this is a great lesson in teaching him to forgive and forget.
Lori
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Post by AnneM on Jan 25, 2004 11:56:56 GMT -5
when younger, the apolgy came only when he was forced. then it sounded as forced and insincere as possible. (we resorted to letters of apologies to teacher, etc.). at 13, he now apologies readily (sometimes too many times), then moves on quickly from it. he does seem to feel remorse, regret much more now than when younger (thank goodness!). so, there is hope  prayers, 1mom Same goes for my 15 year old ... Sorry does really sounds like Sorry these days ... but it wasn't always that way .... When he was younger he would say it as a completely automatic response and often with a tone which used to make me SOOO mad ....  I can remember my husband saying "the word sorry means NOTHING to him !!" .... and at that point in his life I don't think it really did!! But nowadays ... Sorry honestly SEEMS to mean Sorry ... and sometimes hours after the event or even days when I personally have forgotton about the 'offence' I will suddenly get ANOTHER apology right out of the blue ... ! So as 1mom says there really IS hope on this! |
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Post by swgiles on Feb 3, 2004 1:30:57 GMT -5
My ds is only 5 and already has that insincere "soooorrryy" down pat. How do they learn that so young! It drives me crazy. We've done the "again like you mean it" till we're blue in the face and it gets less sarcastic but not more meaningful. When he says something inappropriate I usually respond with "do you want to try that again?" to which he replies "sorry" and those are almost meaningful. Now that his little brother (2 years old) is getting old enough to do things that offend him, my ds is asking him to say "sorry" and he's seeing how it feels to not have someone say sorry and mean it. I'm hoping that will have some influence. Until then....soooooorrryyy! is what I get!
Shannon
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Post by Brocksmom on Mar 13, 2004 17:27:28 GMT -5
If I get an insincere or sassy apology or any type of nasty response, I made ds repeat it exactly like he just said it in front of the mirror 10 times so he sees what I had to look at. He hated doing that. ;D
he used to hit the walls or slam doors too until I had him do it 10 more times--didn't like that either
I can't really answer the poll cuz it depends on the situation and what he did wrong
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Post by 1mom on Mar 13, 2004 18:40:06 GMT -5
LOL brocksmom! i LIKE your style!!!
1mom
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Post by shelli on Mar 15, 2004 17:12:14 GMT -5
We use to have to tell Brenna to apologize and she would not very sincerely either. But I have noticed over the last year she seems to do it on her own and she seems to be sincere. She will be 8 next week and has matured alot this year, probably still not to the maturity level she should be but we have made progress. I always try and apologize to her if needed. I think that has helped.
Shelli
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Post by eaccae on Jun 5, 2004 23:58:24 GMT -5
DH always tries to force apologies but I never do. It seems a waste of time. I don't want an apology unless it is meant. I try to set the example - I do my own apologizing when I blow up sometimes or if I have to say "no" to something, etc. I think that has worked the best. Most of the time - when DS (or DD) has calmed down he will come to me and apologize on his own.
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Post by kstquilter on Jun 7, 2004 21:12:49 GMT -5
adhd dd isn't good at apologizing and never has been. non-adhd ds apologizes when forced although he is getting better as he gets older. neither is sincere with the other. i've made them apologize so it sounds like they mean it at least!
i have to admit, i apologize to the kids quite a bit. i sure have made more mistakes than i like to think about and genuinely feel bad when i mess up, especially when it comes to my kids.
i hope that when they are older they will do a better job of apologizing.
karen
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Post by sweety on Jun 8, 2004 16:58:14 GMT -5
Rose usually means it but sometimes I have to explain to her why she needs to apoligize. Once I have explained it to her she usually sees why she needs to and apoligizes.
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Post by loveforeric on Jun 13, 2004 14:05:56 GMT -5
Like Catseye, My ds9 has Adhd and High functioning Autism. He can express his anger very well but with sincere remorse it hasn't been an ability he can grasp. Ds5 is on the other side of the spectrum (severe Autism) and doesn't connect the right response to emotion. He has no sensory to what it would be like. ds8 however, makes us crazy, he is simply trying our pateince. He says sorry like it is going to choke him  Christina |
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Post by MomX2 on Jun 22, 2004 7:37:44 GMT -5
My daughter won't normally say the words "I'm sorry". It's like admitting to wrong doing is torture for her. However, I long ago learned to read other types of behavior because my family tends to be like this. There are many ways of apologizing without saying the words. The fact that she later comes back and wants to be friends or wants to repair the relationship tells me that she is sorry even though she doesn't say it. This is why I think holding grudges against someone who acts out in anger is typically a mistake. It takes a lot of understanding to know when someone is struggling with how to manage their own behavior.
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Post by rosyred45 on Jun 22, 2004 8:29:26 GMT -5
I don't remember if I put this before, but when I worked at a day care one little boy's apology was a hug. He didn't talk at all, I don't think there were any problems with him, he just didn't talk. So if he did something wrong, he would walk up to one of us and give us a hug, and then walk up to the other child and give them a hug.
It worked for him and he usually didn't do what ever it was again
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Post by MomX2 on Jul 11, 2004 7:14:53 GMT -5
I've always thought a forced apology is a waste of time if the child doesn't believe it in. It doesn't help the other person to feel better when they know the apology is forced and often they still react in anger if apologized to. It's especially bad when the other person reacts to an apology in anger to a defiant child who finds it very difficult to apologize to begin with. That decreases the chances that the defiant child will be willing to apologize again in the future because they will come to expect a negative reaction.
One thing that might help is practice. Get your child in the practice of apologizing for small, not so important incidents with an understanding parent or relative who will accept the apology. If the child gets in the habit of apologizing and is rewarded for doing so they may be more willing to do so when it's important. If you apologize to your child more often it may also help them get used to the idea. Even apologizing to pets (sorry I stepped on your tail) can help kids get into the practice.
Also I will often apologize for a child if I know they won't do so. I might say something to the other child such as I'm sorry she did such & such. Did that hurt your feelings? Are you okay? Do you need help? It might help your child learn how his/her behaviors effect others and it at least shows the other parents you care if their child is harmed. I always try to remember that these kids brains just aren't fully developed yet. They may not truely understand what they learn now until they are older and their brain is more fully developed. I've seen many kid's behavior improve significantly by 16 to 18 years old. I've also known many people who didn't seem to mature significantly until they were 30.
One last thing too. I've noticed my own daughter does sometimes chose to apologize but it's often in an angry voice. I think her voice reflects her mood rather than her sincerity. I think she does understand she should apologize but feels conflict because she becomes angry at the same time. Even though she may mean the apology sincerely it comes across as less than sincere.
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