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Post by AnneM on Apr 5, 2004 11:47:14 GMT -5
I am wondering how you feel about your children and alcohol? My son will be 16 in 2 months time and as a teenager has shown an interest in "having a bottle of beer" around 2-3 times a week. We allow him this believing that if we make alcohol into "something forbidden and frowned upon" it will become much more alluring and exciting! ... I have never seen him have too much ... but sometimes I wonder whether we are doing the right thing by being pretty relaxed about it?
I know the alcohol laws are different in many parts of the US than they are here in the UK (i.e. our kids are allowed to legally drink it earlier than in the US) and in Spain my son was amazed to find at 14/15 years old that he was served alcohol in public places with "no questions asked!" ... (I was pretty amazed by that too!)
In France kids are served wine from a very young age.
Recently I asked my 21 year old niece how she felt her own parent's 'reasonably relaxed' attitude to alcohol had influenced her over her teenage years. She said she believes it made a huge difference. She said many of her friends who came from families where alcohol was made into a "forbidden fruit" suddenly were constantly abusing it as soon as they were given a chance .... but for those whose families had allowed them a certain amount of alcohol throughout the teenage years there was absolutely no "mad excitement" when it suddenly became available...
I don't know the rights or wrongs in the attitude we should teach our children about alcohol. What i do know is though that alcohol is heavily abused throughout the world. Whether this is more likely in people who have come from a family where it is NOT a big "taboo" or whether it is more likely in people who have come from a family where is IS a big "taboo" I am just not sure ...
Would be interested in what others feel about this... ?
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Post by Linda on Apr 5, 2004 12:11:32 GMT -5
Wow...what a powerful topic...I guess I am the old fashioned one here....I do not allow alcohol in my home for any teen-ager including Paul.
However when he was about 13 or 14 he "tried" beer by his own admission and did not like it and said he hasn't tried it again.Whether he is telling me the truth or not,I don't know...I have never seen any other signs of it.
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Post by AnneM on Apr 5, 2004 12:19:27 GMT -5
Hi Linda!! Yes I know ... this is a powerful topic with lots of different opinions on this one! ;D I am sure at the end of the day the answer is in how the individual personally feel about it ... and also I KknowEurope is generally much more relaxed about alcohol than the US ... so that must come into it as well!  |
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Post by Brocksmom on Apr 5, 2004 12:31:14 GMT -5
I'm w/ you AnneM. My ds is only 11. I don't plan on making alcohol the big "no no" When I have a glass of wine he has asked for a sip, and that's all he gets. When I was growing up my mom didn't make a big issue if I asked to try what ever she was drinking(which was something I usually didn't like, so it wasn't worth trying to much). Whan I was 16 and older if we were at home I was allowed to a have a wine cooler. But I have to admit that didn't "deter" me from the ocassional underage drinking w/ friends in high school on the weekends. But that was the rebelloius, sneaking around , see what you can get away with high scool issues most kids go through.
I am also hoping by not making alcohol into a big issue ds won't either.
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Post by jdmom on Apr 5, 2004 12:31:31 GMT -5
I came from a very laid back home. Now, my mom and dad would have died if I had drank alcohol underage in front of them, that would have been rubbing it in their noses, so to speak. But they did tell me that they knew that I was going to drink in high school, and just lectured me on being responsible about it. They didn't frown on stories about parties that my friends and I told them, rather they turned it around and made sure that we all knew that we could call on them any time that we needed to be picked up, and told us stories of things that had happened to people they knew back in their "partying days". They made sure that we understood that when we drank, our awareness was down, and to be careful with un-trustworthy boys (if you know what I mean). They told us of people that they knew who had terrible car accidents because of drinking and driving.
I think that had a great effect on me and my friends. There was a group of 4 of us who pretty much partied together all the time, and we took turns at what we called "playing mommy". One of us was in charge of not drinking and keeping an eye on everyone else, and driving home.
There were a few times that I had to call dad, and he always picked me up, no questions asked. One of my friends even called him to pick her up while I was away at college.
Which brings me to the point of this. I was totally amazed at the "goody-goodies" that went absolutely wild when they went to college. I can not tell you all the cases of alcohol poisoning that I saw from girls who had no clue as to what they were getting themselves into. To me, alcohol wasn't a big deal. My philosophy was "Why in the world would I want to drink myself sick?"
I'm sure it's because my parents never turned it into a "forbidden fruit".
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Post by AnneM on Apr 5, 2004 13:10:52 GMT -5
This is really interesting ... and what is particularly interesting is that we are ALL aiming for the same thing .. i.e. we DON'T want our kids to grow up and be alcoholics .... ! Sam has a teacher at his school (not one of his personal teachers) who apparently is an alcoholic. The kids KNOW this ... Sam tells me that he has a "bottle" in his desk and has a large red nose and broken veins all over his face ("his face is purple").... and when he gets close he reeks of alcohol and they have to stand back from him! To the kids he is someone they laugh at (privately!) ... Personally I find this sad and tragic (and amazed he keeps his job!  ) ... although I am told he is in fact a very good teacher!! ... but also I think he is doing the kids a favour ... he is showing them what CAN HAPPEN if alcohol gets out of control ... & he is someone they just DO NOT want to be! ... |
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Post by finnmom on Apr 5, 2004 13:41:54 GMT -5
Hi My ds is younger, to be 9 at summer, but I share your opinion with this Anne. I´am not offering it to him at any way, but I prefer him trying it at home(nicely, not drunk) than drinking with some friend´s. In here they can buy alcholol when 18 y, but I´ve seen so many 12-15 y/old´s drinking behind their parent´s back, I dont want that to happend.  as far it seem´s pretty good, since ds8 has told me several times that he´ll never drink alcholol I hardly use any, a glass of wine with good stake and so on, DH has a beer occasionally. I´ve never been drunk in my life Nor do I want to get....  I would hate the feeling of loosing control ;D At my home, this was never an issue, I havent seen my parent´s actually drinking ever, mayby a glass in party or so, it felt good.  I didnt have to try, I had my change to deside Marja |
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Post by tridlette on Apr 5, 2004 15:00:47 GMT -5
I guess it is my turn to express on this. I am an alcoholic. My sister is an alcoholic, and my other sister and 2 brothers always have been on the heavy drinking side. My father is a strict tea-totaller. He is extremely vocal about the sins of acohol. Nasty words about what it can do to you, nasty words about people who use it. He has always been that way. Same about tobacco, and 4/5 of his kids were smokers too.
I have been sober for 14 years, my dh is of direct Irish descent, and has beer with every meal except while at work. My children do not know the extent of my drinking background, but they see there dad frequently drinking. They hate it. I don't want my children drinking because of the strong DNA link predisposing them to alcoholism, but I am willing to let them try it. They have been offered many times, but to date, they all refuse.
The oldest is only 13 and I suspect that the time will come when he actually wants to try drinking. I agree with all of you that the forbidden fruit is the wrong way to go, having lived through exactly that. If my parents hadn't been so strongly against it, I doubt that I would have rebelled to the point of nearly ruining my life.
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Post by HooDunnit on Apr 5, 2004 15:16:44 GMT -5
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My son tells me that drugs like marijuana are easier and cheaper to acquire for a high school student in our city. Alcohol is heavy and expensive and someone needs ID. It smells and causes hangovers. It seems that cocaine is making a comeback here too. Many people are crossaddicted. They smoke cigarettes and marijuana and drink alcohol if they have the opportunity. As a person becomes older, however, it may be that alcohol becomes more convenient. Alcohol may be legally acquired if you are old enough. Also, adults have higher incomes. And there are drinking establishments which provide social opportunities for adults. So, whereas alcohol might be the ultimate social danger with respect to intoxication, it may be that alcohol is not where a person starts as a teenager. My son tells me that the people in high school that are in to all this stuff in a big way are people who find reality painful. Most kids just experiment. He only knows three people, other than himself, who have NOT tried marijuana. And he goes to a private (Christian) high school!!
My son just likes motorcycles and girls!!
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Post by Brocksmom on Apr 5, 2004 15:21:05 GMT -5
tridlette-
All I have to say is congratulations on 14 yrs sobriety ;D
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Post by AnneM on Apr 5, 2004 15:21:33 GMT -5
I guess it is my turn to express on this. I am an alcoholic. My sister is an alcoholic, and my other sister and 2 brothers always have been on the heavy drinking side. My father is a strict tea-totaller. He is extremely vocal about the sins of acohol. Nasty words about what it can do to you, nasty words about people who use it. He has always been that way. Same about tobacco, and 4/5 of his kids were smokers too. I have been sober for 14 years, my dh is of direct Irish descent, and has beer with every meal except while at work. My children do not know the extent of my drinking background, but they see there dad frequently drinking. They hate it. I don't want my children drinking because of the strong DNA link predisposing them to alcoholism, but I am willing to let them try it. They have been offered many times, but to date, they all refuse. The oldest is only 13 and I suspect that the time will come when he actually wants to try drinking. I agree with all of you that the forbidden fruit is the wrong way to go, having lived through exactly that. If my parents hadn't been so strongly against it, I doubt that I would have rebelled to the point of nearly ruining my life. A big THANKYOU Tridlette for giving us such an honest account of your own experience ... and you have witnessed first-hand the havoc that alcohol can bring ... it is such a "fine-line" though isn't it that we as parents face ... we want to "educate" our kids on the evils of alcohol and yet we don't want to send them "straight to it" by either banning/forbidding it OR on the other hand making it "too" available ! ... I found your reply really, helpful and really honest... Thanks again! ... |
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Post by Dad2Brooke on Apr 5, 2004 20:05:15 GMT -5
AnneM, I have to agree on not making a big deal of it. I think alot of things should be treated like that. The forbidden fruit is always a huge temptation.
From my own experience, I joined the US Navy at 17.
I swore the following oath:
I, _________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.
So I had the legal "right" to die for my country then and was entrusted with keeping my nation safe "from all enemies, foreign and domestic."
At 18, I could vote and help choose my nation's leaders.
But I couldn't legally drink until I was 21?
You know what I did? I drank at every opportunity I could find until I was 21, and then when I was finally legal, it no longer mattered and wasn't a big deal. But, prior to turning 21, I would get it however possible.
So, yeah, I think maybe our older teenage children should be afforded the option (with adult supervision) to decide whether or not alcohol is OK. I would rather they do it responsibly, than do it the way I did it.
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Post by Amsmom on Apr 5, 2004 20:11:54 GMT -5
I'm glad you started this thread, Anne. This is something I worry about a lot. My son's father is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He becomes extremely violent when he drinks (and also when he doesn't drink). I had him arrested and divorced him when he physically abused me when I was 5 months pregnant with my ds. I drank in high school and college. I was eventually dx'd with clinical depression, so I know I was trying to self-medicate. My friends could see that alcohol was making me more depressed, but I didn't admit that. I stopped drinking once I got properly dx'd and on the right meds. When my ds was 5, his idiot father told him about abusing me while he was drunk. So my child is terrified if anyone even mentions the word alcohol. When we pass the wine aisle in the grocery store, he makes loud comments about how dangerous alcohol is. I haven't had a drink since many years before he was born. It definitely wouldn't mix with my anti-depressants and I just am not interested in it anymore. I know that alcoholism is familial and I am scared for my ds's future. I know that when he becomes a teenager, (he's now 8), that the peer pressure will be there to drink. I wish that I felt comfortable enough to let him try it at home, but I am so scared that he will like it and become an alcoholic like his father. I also realize that his friends will offer it to him, so I am really miserable about trying to figure out what to do. My little fantasy is that he will always think alcohol is terrible and never try it with his friends, but I know that isn't realistic at all. I would love any feedback you may have. Thanks |
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Post by aimee30 on Apr 5, 2004 20:26:26 GMT -5
I could, possibly, write a book on alcoholism. I come from a long line of alcoholics. All of my grandparents were alcoholics. My brother is and my father was. Of course my father did a lot of drugs too. I think the only non alcoholic in the family besides myself is my mom. She drank/drinks but not to the point of losing control. Growing up it was a "forbidden fruit". I think maybe that is why my brother is an alcoholic. Anyway, I saw from my mom's boyfriends and "husbands" how it can affect your life. It almost destroyed mine and I wasn't even the one drinking. I saw and went through physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. It was all blamed on alcoholism. I don't necessarily believe that alcohol was the reason for all but I think it did come into play. I went through some horrible and terrifying experiences as a child/teenager. Maybe that's why I don't have more than a wine cooler (on occassion).
As far as my kids go, I don't think I will make it forbidden. But at the same time I won't be handing them over bottle after bottle. Hopefully it will be many years before I have to deal with this. I am also very open with my kids about the things that went on in my house as a child. I hope that this will dissuade them. They also know that we can't visit their Nana in Virginia because the man she is married to is an alcoholic and very abusive. I hope that all this has a positive impact on them.
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Post by TexasMom on Apr 5, 2004 20:42:37 GMT -5
I have never been much of a drinker and of course I didn't drink when I was pregnant. I decided then that nothing good comes from drinking and the best way to teach a child is by example. I've had one drink in the last 10 years (New Years Eve 1999). There is no alcohol in my house. I've explained to Steven that alcohol and drugs are bad for you and we shouldn't use them. We've promised to help each other keep away from them.
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