I am mad, mad, mad!

[Honeysmom]

We finally had Honey's appt today with the new Doctor. I am so disappointed in her. She talked with me and DH for 55 minutes and Honey for 5.

I'll start by saying that taking DH to this trip was a sore spot with me (see general section about that one..) Once we got there she asked a few questions of both of us. DH said that he has an easier time controlling Honey than I do. Apparently that makes me a bad mother. Everything that DH and I had a difference of opinion on she took him over me. I tried to explain to her that DH works Monday thru Saturday from 5AM to 6PM so he does not see as much of the behaviors as I do. That didn't matter.

Then she said that Honey has nothing. Keep in mind 3 doc's (ADHD doc, phychologist, and family therapist) all feel he is ADHD and severly ODD. She says they are wrong. He is just a "hard to manage" child and I am "making it worse by trying to defuse mealtdowns rather than by making him deal head on with problems he has." I am not giving in, I am avoiding things like the candy lane at the grocery store so I don't have to try and calm him down or worse, carry him out kicking and screaming with a full cart still sitting there.

She also said that he has some "very strong Autistic qualities, but we wouldn't want to rush into any labels." I can appriciate that, but what do I do now? I guess we are to do 6 months of family and behavioral counseling and then she'll see us again. If there is not a significant change then she wants to look into more things.

I asked what they would do in counseling. She told me behavior charts and reward systems, positive reinforcement, immediate punishments and so on. I told her, that is why I am here, we have tried all of this and it is not working or helping at all.

Then she said that I also have to be retrained on how to raise him. She feels I might give in too easy. I told her I let him scream and cry all he wants for upward of 2 hours sometimes. I take everything away, I send him to his room, and all the rest of that stuff. Her response was that I must not be doing it correctly or it would work.

AARRGGG! What does it take to get through? Why do I have to start all over again? I am just so PO'd! I feel like we totally wasted our time only to be put down. Of course, DH liked her b/c she took his word for Bible, and he had to leave half way throught the appointment b/c my little girl said she was going to be sick, so he didn't hear the half of it. He is all excited for counseling. I am not.

I feel like I am being defeated here. I am at the end of my rope with doctors and I just want someone to stop trying to find blame and start to help us.

So I guess I should turn in my membership to this board since Honey is no longer Dx'd with anything but a short temper and bad parents. (just feeling sorry for myself...sorry )

Thanks for listening, sorry it got so long....

BTW, there is also a chance "he'll out grow it."

[Allanque]

Ummmm...find a different doctor?

[StrugglingAgain]

>:(Well, I've been in your shoes, too! My DH, son (8), and I were going to a child psychologist (I call him Dr. Weasel). We have recently moved to another state, so we had to practically start all over again. Well, this doctor has done nothing but talk down to me. You know, the little woman knows very little, so let me talk man-to-man to the father. (*(*&*&^&%^(**^ Everything he suggested we've tried and none of it works very well, but we keep pluggin' along. Our child psychiatrist wants the psychologist to handle all the testing (completed now) along with the behavior modification and HE will only do the meds. The psychologist sent the psychiatrist a letter telling him we had cancelled appts and weren't seeing him any longer. WHAT? We've NEVER cancelled an appointment and what is the use of using up precious insurance money to go to a Dr. who is telling us all the same things we've been told for four years? Today, after pleading for a month, I picked up a copy of all my son's tests (thinking of preparing a 504) and I had asked for a letter stating his diagnosis. Get this....he writes in this letter that, "the parents would benefit from some behavior modification techniques"!!!! What an insult. I hate to change doctors, AGAIN. This whole thing ticks me off to no end. ALL of it is a daily fight and I get soooooooooooooooooooo tired of it.

[Honeysmom]

I know I can go to a different doctor. But then we also have to go through all of the insurance crap again, all the paperwork before we go there, at least six weeks of waiting and it never ends.

DH is insistant that we go to the counseling so we are. The main reason that I don't want to go is because I already have, DH hasn't. I don't want to sound like a b$#*&, but now that he has decided to be involved in this I basically have to start over b/c he wants to know everything from the beginning. I love they guy to death and I love that he wants to be involved, but I feel like Honey and I have done this route already. I feel like we are loosing more time. In another 6 1/2 months he is in full-time school. Then what?

And it is insulting when the docotr talks down to you. They really don't have any clue how much time and effort most of us put in reading, talking, asking, researching, and just plain thinking about our situations. I have noticed that some, not all, get really upset if they realize how much you check things out. The good ones encourage it.

What really got me was when she said that any other dx he ever received was wrong. And then added "he will probaby grow out of it." If he does I will be the first to admit I was wrong, but I am not taking the chance.

[Jorgy]

Oh Becky! I would be really mad too. My dh is now at home full time. He seems to be changing everything I did. I am standing back and letting him. I was never patient enough. What a laugh!!! Now I hear him yelling in the morning and way less patient than I am! I just let it happen and then step in and clean up the mess. The bad thing about all this is that Jake is figuring it all out. He actually told me the other day "I won't do it for dad but I will for you". A very vindictive part of me went YAH....GOTTCHA!!! I know, immature. Maybe ask that dr since she has all the answers that she could come babysit for the family for a month while you take a well deserved vacation. After that she will have earned the right to talk down to you and then she can shove those charts ...... well you know. Sorry!!! Sue

[eaccae]

I agree - find a different doctor!! I know it is a pain in the a**!! But let's see, she didn't give your son any tests and only talked to him for about 5 minutes and has decided that 3 different doctors are incorrect and she is . . . and with what does she base this information on? I think that she will cause more harm to your family and your marriage than give any help!

Also - regarding behavior charts - DS was placed on one by his teacher in K and it totally backfired! Destroyed his self confidence. He is currently on a "contract" with the teacher where we at home we will reward him when he gets a very good or an excellent on his contract with no consequence if he does not. I have spoken to a couple of psychologists, other teachers and our pediatrician and they all feel the same about behavior charts - they can work for certain kids but they are the exception - in general - behavior charts can undermine a child's self esteem, etc. Stay away from the behavior charts if you can! Not the ones that only reward - but the ones that have consequences attached to them!

I know you are having a hard time on this subject with DH - but still - I wouldn't stay with a doctor who I don't think has any basis for saying your son was misdiagnosed. It makes absolutely no sense to me. You need to find someone who understands ADHD and can support you and help your husband understand and help your son and your family as a whole!

I feel for you! And I am mad, mad, mad along with you!

[eaccae]

Also - I just feel that if she doesn't understand that he is ADHD/ODD then her behavior "training" isn't going to help because quite frankly she is ignoring something that is extremely important!!! ADHD/ODD kids do not respond the same way other children without ADHD/ODD do! You need someone who is going to help you with knowledge - taking into account the ADHD/ODD!!! And don't let her get by with saying he doesn't have ADHD when she hasn't even given him any testing or anything to basis this "new" diagnosis on! You were given a diagnosis by 3 different doctors - so I think that if she is going to say he does NOT have ADHD she should give him tests to prove it!

Sorry - I am really upset for you!

[Honeysmom]

This has caused big time stress in my mirrage. Wouldn't ya know the first appt DH ever attends and she undiagnosis him. Talk about going back to square one. I absolutly refuse to discuss the matter any further expect through writing. Then the only was I can really lose it is by tearing up my paper.

I will definatley try to get a new doctor. I have to go through our primary care doctor (HMO's AARRGG!) for a referral, but I am sure he will do it. He referred him to this one. But in his defense this was the first child he referred to a child psych since he moved to Wisconsin a few years back so he wouldn't know if she was good or not, she is hooked up with an excellent hospital so that is why I am also suprised.

Behavior charts are a waste of time for him. He could care less about the rewards. Also, at his age I like the idea of instant reward, like high fives and praise. I will also do things like renting movies and stuff, but for him the weekend is so far away he can't reconnect why I'm even getting him a movie.

We had one guy tell us that everytime he does something really good, like making it a whole day without being mean to his sister ot hitting we should take him to Chucky Cheese! At about $40 for the night I'll skip that reward! Then again this is the same guy who had me sitting on the floor of his office petting a potty chair to show Honey it was not scarry and all it turned out he had was a bad case of constipation! One week on miralax and it was gone. 2 years of doctors and no one ever thought to do a X-ray of his belly. Even I am mad at myself ro not think if it....

[mctavish23]

Hi,
I don't know what kind of doc this was but if you could get another opinion from a specialist(or another specialist if thats what this one was), say maybe a pediatric psychiatrist or pediatric neurologist, then you might get a more flexible attitude.

I do wish you a lot of luck and remember that no one knows your kid better than you do:)

Take care and hang in there.

mctavish23(Robert)

[Honeysmom]

Robert, the main problem this is causing is that DH has only come to one appt for this and it was the one doctor that said he had nothing. My DH works a lot so he does not see the problems as magnified as I do.

In the past 1 1/2 to 2 years we saw our first child phychologist, then a family therapist, then an ADHD pediatric specialist (runs her own clinic) and she had a child neurologist do testing, then back to the family doctor for a check so he could keep writing referrals (like I said HMO's ) and then he wanted to address other social and developmental problems. Honey is basically very anti-social and very speach and language delayed. So the family doc sent us to another child phychologist. Kinda like being back at square one.

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!! My DH just pick up my copie of The Explosive Child! This is serious progress! WHOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[catatonic]

I have to agree that your doctor sounds like a complete loser and you should write her off. Before visiting a new doctor, hopefully a better doctor, it might make it easier on you if you clarify in your own mind (and with hubby) what your specific treatment goals are. Are you hoping to place Honey on medication to immediately reduce problem behaviors? Would you like help developing a nutritional plan to help modify his behavior? Do you want further education on dealing with his behavior, new ideas or tricks or whatever? Do you want him to learn different (better?) coping mechanisms so that he can regulate his own behavior? All of the above? If you know what you want, you'll be better prepared to ask for it...even INSIST on it if you have to. For example, if you want Honey to have cognitive testing (like IQ tests, tests for learning disability, etc) then ask for it specifically. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist who can do these tests. If you are concerned about possible autistic spectrum, ask specifically for a referral to evaluate for autism. It puts the burden on you, unfortunately, but the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. If you've already done all this, please forgive the lecture. It took me a long time to learn to CLARIFY and ASK where my boy is concerned and I know that I'm definitely a slow learner in this respect. Even if you ignore every other word above, remember...YOU DIDN"T CAUSE HONEY'S ADHD!!!!! You're doing your best to deal with it, and in my opinion that ought to include telling anyone who tries to blame you that they can go stuff it.

[Honeysmom]

No offense taken by your post at all. She was supposed to be evaulating him for the Autistic Spectrum. We have had some of the neurological testing done as far as IQ, and then a host of others for impulsivisity, attention-span, and a few more. We had blood work done. The whole bit.

I can deal with her, what I can't deal with is DH. He is joining the team late and really getting under my skin. If it was just up to me, like it has been until now, I would just go to another doctor. But as luck would have it, DH loves her. Well of course he did, he said I have a perfect little boy that has a mother who just does not know how to set limits. Whatever, I am not going to ruin my day getting worked up. Forget her, work on him!!

BWT, she called this morning to tell me that our insurance won't cover her counselors, so I have to find my own. But never fear, she mailed her findings to me instructing the counselor that we (DH and I) just need to be retrained and not let Honey "run the show." Then she added that we still need to schedule our 6 month follow up! Yeah right!!

[ohmama]

Honeysmom,
Are you seeing this doctor for honey or for you and your husband? From your post it sounds like her main concern is counseling the parents and she not at all in tune with the child? She even disagrees with the other doctors about the dx after seeing your child for 5 minutes based on what she views as parenting problems? I wonder if she has children of her own to say such a stupid thing? First she says Honey has nothing (no ADHD or ODD) and yet she says "Honey has very strong Autistic qualities....". That sounds like a contridiction to me. I would have pinned her down on that one.

I agree with Cat's post completely but I will say it in a different way. I have never been known for tact. You need to give this woman some guide lines and let her know she is just a hired hand. Her comments are unprofessional and out of line with criticism of you. It's as if she is drunk with power. Make it clear to her what you want and if she can't accommodate your concerns find another doctor. She is driving a wedge between you and your husband. You don't need to be "mad, mad, mad!" you need to take control of the situation. Take back your power. You live with the situation every day. What kind of a doctor is this?

[Honeysmom]

Oh Mamma, She was a child psychologist. I expected to be in an office with a couch and talking to Honey and watching him play or draw or something. I was of the impression she was going to find out what was going on in his head. Either I am wrong or they didn't give me the right person. We were in an exam room and she gave him a check up and then talked.

As of noon today DH does not want to go to counseling anymore. Now he feels he can deal with this himself. He said if she thinks it is us, then he will be stricter. He just does not get it. It doesn't matter how strict he is, Honey is still going to snap, and it will turn into a battle of wills and no one will win. I am still going to get my referral to a new doctor and by that time comes (and I argue with the insurance company for a few weeks) we will see if DH's plan is working. If it is the miracle plan works I will be happy to cancel. I think DH will be suprised, he does not realize how strict we are already. We've always had to be that way.

Our ped. is out until next Wednesday so I can't do anything until then anyhow. In the meantime I just smile and nod...

[mctavish23]

Hi again,

The essence of ADHD is that it is a developmental disability. You've described several areas where there were delays found( and observed). Hypothetically speaking(politically correct....lol), if you have test data substantiating ADHD that would run counter to child not having it upon later exam, one would be inclined to look further.
AS I have said before in earlier posts, recent research has found computerized tests to be worthless for diagnosing ADHD. I have always felt that way but it was nice to hear that there were data supporting that.

Again, I wish you much luck. Hang in there.

mctavish23(Robert)