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Post by aimee30 on Sept 18, 2004 19:05:07 GMT -5
I don't know where to start, but I want to know others opinions on this.
My husband and I have been together about 4 years and we have always had a computer. He actually had it before we got together. I've never chatted online except with a few friends on the messengers. I do chat on here, but as you all know there is nothing sexual about it. DH has been a member of several different forums (mostly stuff for computer tech as he is a computer geek) for years, but doesn't normally bother to post on them.
One of the guys he works with is a mod on a forum called the lovers lounge and let him in on this site. He has been participating in this site now for about 3 weeks. Everytime I walk into the bedroom and he is on that forum he switches to a different page he has open.
This morning he took me out for breakfast and posted on there where he was taking me. I was going to friends house this afternoon and was planning on leaving around 2:30. He asked me what time I was leaving and when I walked in he was on that forum.
My curiousity got the best of me and I had to find out about this site. Maybe it was wrong of me, but I felt I had to know why he is being so secretive about it. He laid down for a nap before I left so I went in and found the forum. I did some checking, read his profile and looked at a few threads.
I didn't look at everything, but it was mostly because I had to leave. I read enough to know that he is talking to other females, sending hugs etc. And I'm not talking about the kind of hugs we send on here. I feel like there is a big difference in me saying I'm sending hugs to say SKay during the storms and him sending a hug to someone in a lovers forum.
Where we have veteran member, senior member, etc. this site has things like closet nympho (haven't read the others). I also noticed he had over a hundred posts there. Keep in mind he doesn't have that many posts on the ones he's been a member of for years. I know on one of the computer forums he just reached 20 posts.
In ways I feel betrayed. If I say something to it, he will probably say he feels betrayed because I went to this forum to check on him. Well, I wouldn't have if he hadn't been so secretive about it. I just feel awful.
How do you feel about this? What would you do? Do you consider this cheating?
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Post by HooDunnit on Sept 18, 2004 19:10:19 GMT -5
RE "One of the guys he works with is a mod on a forum called the lovers lounge." This sure sounds like bad news. I would think that you will have to confrount him about it. Before making conclusions, you might want to hear his side of it, and then communicate your own.
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Post by rosyred45 on Sept 18, 2004 19:35:22 GMT -5
I definately agree with barry on the fact of comfronting. The biggest thing for me and Mike: He has told me that a few rooms that I visit he isn't happy with. I actually haven't been there except to say HI. I don't know. The thing that is between me and Mike os no secrets. All of my friends list WILL recpect him as being my husband and he inturn respects them as friends. Oh Aimee, I would ask him why he thought he shoulf hide somethign like this from you. If he says he thought it would tick you off, tell him the secrecy is worse. HUGS TO YOU HUNNY-Pooh if you couldn't tell  |
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Post by Linda on Sept 18, 2004 20:36:43 GMT -5
I guess I am old fashioned aimee....to me that is a form of cheating and I would confront him on it.Ask him how he would like it if YOU were on that forum and other guys were coming on to you.I bet he wouldn't like it!!!
I wouldn't be worried about your hubby getting mad at you for checking on him...I would have done the same thing if it had been my husband...especially if he was acting "sneaky" about it.((((((((hugs))))))
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Post by Douglas on Sept 18, 2004 20:59:39 GMT -5
Another male point of view, if this isn't quite cheating, it's very close to it. It may not be the actual crime but it carries with it most of the destructive side effects.
Treat this very seriously, and don't let up.
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Post by finnmom on Sept 19, 2004 9:41:01 GMT -5
Aimee I too, think you should confront him of this, it may not be sheating, but it´s too close for that, and sertaily not straight thing to do  I´am like Kaiti, no secret´s between us. I dont go to any other forum beside this. He only goes after sport result´s, nothing personal. Ask him!!!! |
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Post by eaccae on Sept 19, 2004 9:50:05 GMT -5
aimee-
I went through this with DH the year after his sister died. Not that I am a fan of porn - but to me there is a difference even in looking a just porn on the web and "chatting" on one of these sites. I told DH it WAS cheating - you hve read some of the conversations . . . I also believe it can become addictive. I would definitely confront him about it.
DH was told if he didn't stop - I was walking. To me it is a form of cheating - there may not be any physical contact - but there is a certain level of intimacy that is is not okay. For DH - a friend had shown it to him as well - at the time he was going through some difficulties due to the loss of his sister and was shutting every one out. This turned into an addictive thing. Although I "understand" what was going on - it was NOT alright and there was the trust factor that had to be completely rebuilt.
I would definitely confront him and tell him how you feel.
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Post by tridlette on Sept 19, 2004 10:07:37 GMT -5
My DH and I talked about it just now.
He said he has been to a few sites now and then... I didn't know anything of it. He says only when he is home alone would he go there, never when one of the boys would walk in and see him.
He says it is only looking, not acting, and he doesn't think it is wrong. Although it came as a surprise to me that he replied so casually about it, I am not really upset. I would be worried though, if he started to obsess about it, which could be a sign of addiction. Tell him you don't mind an occasional viewing, if you don't, but that you would like to know that he isn't sneaking around. The honesty and openness is what is important.
My DH said that he gets frustrated sometimes with the amount of time I spend on this site, but since I am a SAHM he understands that this is my only social circle!
Maybe your DH is just trying to fit in with his co worker and not look like a nerd. Tell him if you understand that he is trying to look like a swinger in front of his friend, but that it is time for him to slow down and start swinging at home again!
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Post by shardstar on Sept 19, 2004 11:05:00 GMT -5
I, also, went through something sort of similar with my husband, right after my daughter was born. I guess I wan't paying as much attention to him as I used to, and he thought that visiting these sites made him feel a little better about himself or something. When I found out about it, I waited a while because I wasn't sure WHAT to do. I coldn't decide whether to tell him that I knew, or to just see if he stopped...Well, I couldn't just sit by, so I confronted him, and we ended up having a LONG talk about our relationship. We talked about trust and honesty and communication, and we realized that maybe we were too busy to really have these things. So we have been working hard on these ever since then (7 years), and things have been so much better. It's hard to always keep the communication lines open, but I feel it's something that we HAVE to do, or else we'll fail.
My advice is to confront him. From what you say, it doesn't seem like he would ever physically cheat on you, but wouldn't you rather get it out in the open, so it doesn't go that way? I always think it's best to fix things early before they can get to the destructive point.
Good luck...
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Post by eaccae on Sept 19, 2004 11:26:37 GMT -5
tridlette - I think the actual line is crossed once he starts "communicating" with other people on these sites.
I don't think it has to do with his friend anymore - he probably went in because of him and curiosity - but it sounds like he is on it ALOT - which is NOT okay. aimee, shardstar - maybe I'm wrong - but it can be hard to explain the feeling - especially after viewing the logs (whether it is sexual or not *quite*) - for me, at least, there was an incredible sickness in my stomache. It is a form of cheating in my view - I don't think you have to have physical sex or physical contact to be cheating . . . I think there are many ways to cheat.
I agree.
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Post by AnneM on Sept 19, 2004 11:31:52 GMT -5
Aimee ... this is a toughie!! ..
I agree with the others that you should confront him about this .... as calmly as you can .... and let him know how YOU feel about this ... Whether it is technically cheating or not is debatable and different people will see it differently ... but the fact is that it is making you uncomfortable and potentially very unhappy and he needs to know that ...
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Post by tridlette on Sept 19, 2004 15:03:21 GMT -5
... but the fact is that it is making you uncomfortable and potentially very unhappy and he needs to know that ... I think that is exactly the point. He may not think he has done anything inappropriate, but he does need to know that you are uncomfortable. My DH and I have a very unusual relationship when it comes to how we see these things... we have since we first started dating. CHEATING is not okay, and like Anne says, we all have our own definition of where the line is crossed. Anything that a spouse does that leaves a partner feeling betrayed can be and should be addressed so that the line are well defined. I do hope I haven't offended anyone with my opinions. I can only tell you what my feelings were when I asked DH for his input this morning and how I reacted to what was said. It opened a new line of conversation for us. |
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Post by aimee30 on Sept 19, 2004 22:35:58 GMT -5
 Well, I did confront him and things got pretty bad. He says me being on here is just like him posting where he is. I disagree, but what can I do. Just want to let you all know I MAY be disappearing for awhile. Just pray for me (this board is what helps to keep my sanity). 
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Post by Amsmom on Sept 20, 2004 6:10:36 GMT -5
((((((((((((((Aimee))))))))))))))) honey, please consider going for counseling, both by yourself and with your dh. this one is too hard to handle alone. if he refuses to go, please go by yourself, a therapist can really help you through this.
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Post by rosyred45 on Sept 20, 2004 7:32:30 GMT -5
Aimee, my husband did the same thing, and we worked out ok, just to reassure you.
Now, most of the time that I am one here is when he's not home, or if he's watching TV, But I think that the counseling thing is a good idea too.
As long as you two sit down and talk things out, it should work out OK. But you both have to see the same thing.
Your marriage is more important than computer time,
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) for both of you.
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