Thought things were better,still being bullied!

[CJsMOM28]

Well I am VERY discouraged as I am sure alot of you Adder parents are from time to time, I thought things were REALLY starting to turn around,then this kid( I'll call him Billy) who lately likes to make fun of and tease DS is at it again!


Last week,the 12th to be exact, I took DS to his Pdoc and she started him on Trileptal 150mg,we start the 300mg tonight. From what I can see the Trileptal has done wonders! Especially with being argumentaive and being able to get along with him.


I can tell a big difference in DS and so can his teacher, behaviorally and academically.He is still taking Concerta 18mg,the doc believes he also has a mood disorder thats why she started the Trileptal. Anyways, for the last three weeks, off and on,Billy has been teasing/name calling DS,he had DS in tears Friday before last,which my Son doesn't cry too easily,this happened in the lunch room,so I decided to eat lunch with DS last Friday,of course all was well,he stayed away from us.

Everyday since DS has started on the Trileptal, I have asked him how things were going with his classmates,especially Billy,and he says "fine". Alot of times I have thought that DS was more involved than he said in these incidents,because of him being hard to get along with and argumentative,BUT the Trileptal has changed that,he is like a different kid,the teacher said the same,she couldn't believe the difference in him!

Well today I pick up DS at school and he tells me Billy is at it again,this time he has others in on it too,especially this "tom boy" like girl in their class. Billy and the girl are both athletic and DS is not , if they don't make a point playing a game, the World ends! Today at PE,DS said they were both sitting close to him,with one person in between, and they were praying, even using their hands,looking up to the sky,that DS wouldn't get picked for their team, and it was just a silly fun game similar to volleyball,but not as serious.

Then next thing ya know, they are telling DS how he can 't even catch a ball,he is weak,and another boy even got envolved (the one sitting in between) he was taking up for Billy and telling DS that he ISN'T strong, then Billy starts comparing him to this really little girl in the class, saying she is stronger and saying"look at your skinny legs, your a "wimp"Billy also tells DS that he can call him anything he wants and that it's a free country,as if he an get away with it .


Billy's Mom used to be a teachers aid there,so he probably thinks that he can get away with what ever happens at school.DS is not good in sports or anything athletic for that matter,he does sometimes have a hard time catching a ball thrown to him,I've seen this at home. After the name calling happened today,DS said the ball went towards him and the boy who was (sitting in between) said DS's name and to catch the ball,DS said he didn't catch the ball on purpose,then looked at the boy and said "oh I don't know how,remember I don't know how to catch a ball!" The boy said nothing.

When DS got in the car,I could tell he was upset, he said his day was fine except for the incident at PE,after telling me the story I could see tears in his eyes and then he said he hated school, and that he was miserable,he didn't want to talk about it anymore! I was so furious that as soon as we got home I called the school, which is not like me at all! But this has been going on too long! DS is trying hard,withtears in his eyes he said he was trying to be nice and make friends,which he doesn't have many.


I talked to the teacher,asked her how DS was today,she said fine,still seeing an improvment ,then I told her what DS had told me,and that this has been going on too long,DS was gonna start dreading PE,plus he has also stopped playing soccer during recess,which is probably because of these two! She said she would have a talk with them and the PE teacher, I told her DS told the PE teacher and he said to DS "to ignore them" Which I think is easier said than done,especially for an ADHD (and I think bi polar) child.

She asked me what I thought about the three of them talking to the guidance counselor,which DS sees once a week, but NEVER tells him of any bad things at school because he is too embarressed,and I told her this,also telling her that I think getting the three of them in his office would embarress him too. So she said she would talk to these two kids tommorrow and if it keeps up she would talk to the principal and she would talk to me in a day or so about this.I am more concerned about Billy than the girl,because he just keeps it up. Billy sat across from DS a couple of weeks ago,was moved,now he sits beside the girl! I asked DS how she treated him during class today,he said "fine"

I don't know if I did the right thing or not? I don't know if these kids are gonna tease DS even more,since the teacher is gonna talk to them,making DS look like a tattletale and that he can't handle the situation himself. I did tell DS that I was gonna call the teacher and he seemed ok with it,then I told him what she said,and he still was ok with.


Has anyone here had to go to this extreme,of calling/telling a teacher? I have helped DS in the past of tellling him what to do/what to say,but it doesn't seem like it's working,even he told me that! I feel so helpless,not being able to help him! Now, I worry if I did the right thing today! I feel as though DS is a magnet to bulllies, because I never hear of any other kid in his class getting teased like this, I've even asked him.what is it with adhd and bulllies!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sorry so long,but I REALLY needed to vent!

Thanks

[rosyred45]

OHHHHHHH as I really hat ethe bullying thing and working at a before and after school program, I can relate.

We have some kids that are just so stuck up it isn't funny.

Believe me, Mikey isn't an angel but he also isn't the devil either.

The mom in me wants to say, well if it is a free country to say what you want than I can say you are the biggest jerk off in the whole world.........but then your DS would get in trouble for that, so we won't say that.
I don't like bullies, I can't stand bullies, and when it comes to bullies, my kids either tell them to stuff it or sock em.

I can say I have told them both to do as a last resort, then I STEP IN

You definately need to have a talk to the principal about bullying. PERIOD. I was bullied, and my kids are trying to be bullied. I say trying because I have built their self esteem to be greater then mine.

[CJsMOM28]

Kaiti !

I was bullied as a child for quiet a while ,so was DH,so it definetly hurts still,and seeing it happen to DS hurts of course, worse.!

We definetly need to help DS with his self esteem,he has a low self esteem,even though he takes karate,and is fixing to get his red belt,so you'd think that would help, but it hasn't. Billy told DS a few months ago that Karate was for "Sissy's" Takwondo (sp?) is the real thing!

Thankgoodness DS didn't believe it,or so he told me. I have to admit,we have told DS to take up for himself if he has to do name calling back or hit back, that is if they have hit first. I know it's wrong to tell your child this, and they get in trouble too,but if the school doesn't help,then our kids have to defend themselves! And I'll step up and tell te school. This girl who was involved is chubby,not feminine at all, and here she is calling DS skinny.So next time I told him to tell her that he would rather be skinny any day than chubby. And DS isn't that skinny,there are others in the class as skinny,if not more!Billy wears glasses,and nothing at all wrong with that, but DS has had the opportunity to call him a name,if ya know what I mean, but hasn't,well I told him he could after tonight! Of course AFTER they have done it.

I am not bragging or saying this because he is my child, but DS is a very attractive smart boy, one of the cutest in the class,he just isn't athletic at all,but who cares!. Some of this I think stems from how DS has been acting in the last few months being hard to get along with,and these kids aren't giving him a chance.

Who knows.........Thanks again!

[TexasMom]

I LIVED in the counselors office all fifth grade! There was a group of kids that made Steven's life miserable. You HAVE to stand up for your kid... The secret is to tell your son to go directly to the nearest adult and report it, and if that adult doesn't take it seriously, to go up the line to the principle.

Steven is having trouble in his pe class this year. Mostly it's been words, but just before Christmas, a couple of them tried to drag him down the bleacher stairs. This time I told him if any of them try anything like this again to defend himself and if he gets suspended he can stay home and watch tv all day.
(I did report this to the vice principle)

[CJsMOM28]

Linda!

It looks like I'll probably be moving into the counselors as well!
I called the school,before I got to talk to the teacher, to set up a meeting with him,and he was in a meeting,so I'm gonna call back first thing in the morning.

It breaks my heart thinking of these boys being treated like this,and these *#%!& Jerks trying to drag your Son down the bleachers! Poor guy! I hope that the school does their job in stopping this!

We haven't had anything happen physically yet,if we do, I hope
we'll be prepared! I don't blame you one little bit, I feel the same way,letting DS take up for himself,even physically,even if it meant suspension!Self esteem matters more than what the school thinks thats for sure!

I'll have you and Steven in my thoughts,I hope things work out for him "very" soon,! Please keep us posted!

[rosyred45]

:)Glad to see you have a meeting set up. Professionally my stance is violence solves nothing, personally, if someone won't stop and the adults aren't doing anything, well, just look at adults, they take things into their own hands. :oso what's to say the kids can't.

I try to tell the kids to save their energy for constructive things, but here lately we've had a situation that happened last month. A kid is being blamed by another "couple of kids" that he hurt someone. Well, it all boils down that the kids that are talking are just trying to keep the flames going and the boy that they are trying to pick at told his mom hw will hit them

I gave them all a big lecture yesterday that if the talk about the incedent didn't stop we would ALL be having a meeting AFTER SACC closed, parents, kids, administration, EVERYONE.

HMMMMMM, no one talked about it again.

[Linda]

CJ....Keep on top of the situation...I can't stand bullying either. It happened to Paul In middle school...he couldn't stand it any more so he popped the kid in computer class

While this doesn't work for everybody it worked for him.

texasmom...I remember the ordeal you went through...it was horriffic

[mskris]

CJ:

After going through this myself in middle school (I was nearly suicidal), I make sure I don't let it continue with my kids.

DS 9 has had a few incidents, and DD 6 just had one last month. I escalate it to the teacher immediately, and alert the counselor and principal. Schools supposedly have a "zero tolerance" for bullies, but I find it happens very often anyway. We give DS some "comeback" lines to try to defuse it, but his self-esteem is also low, so we know we need to report it immediately. Verbal bullying can be more damaging to kids than physical bullying. Mostly, when we report it, we find out that the kids doing the bullying are known for it and have "issues." While that doesn't make things better for our kids, we feel that by reporting it, maybe the bullies will get the help they need. So, reporting it works both ways.

You didn't say how old your DS is...my son is no longer embarrassed for us to step in. We explained that it's as much to help the bully as to help him, and he seems okay with it. But he's still in grammar school.

I never let my mom stand up for me, and now that I'm a mom, I wish I had. These kids need to know it's not okay to act that way toward anyone. Interestingly, the kids who bullied me most didn't amount to much as adults...

My ds is just like yours - very physically attractive, artistically talented, etc. but not athletic. He's very attractive to girls, and one even stuck up for him in a bullying incident! We found that once ds became part of a circle of friends, the bullying not only decreased, but it didn't seem to bother him as much. He had a sense of security.

Now that I've gone on so long, let me just say, don't hesitate to report it to the adults, and take it as far as you need to get satisfaction!

Kris

[vickilyn32]

DS had a rough time in 6th grade with bullying, and he grew so much during that grade, that by the end he was one of the biggest in the class. He finally had had so much, that he lost his temper and flattened one of the boys.(the ringleader) It was not during school, so he never got in trouble for it, and the boy had already been turned into the office so many times before that for picking on my DS, that he never said a word to his parents or anyone else. He did start leaving DS alone after that. Now this year (8th) things are going so well for him, that I have to keep pinching myself to be sure I am awake. Because of his being bullied in the past he is more kind to others who are being picked on, and sticks up for them. He is no longer afraid of the bullies, because he knows, and they know' he can "take" them if he needs to. He now has lots of friends in all diffrent groups in school. Some of the athletes (he is in all the sports and doing just great) some of the brains, some of the artsy ones (he also is artistic) and even some of the kids who are picked on this year. The wide variety of friends means he always has someone who likes whatever he feels like doing at that time. One of the athletic boys has become my "second son", and they help each other out. His homelife is not good, so he really loves my family. And having just one friend he is that close to has made the biggest diffrence in DSs school life.

[Linda]

Vickylyn....It sounds like something positive came out of your situation ....you have one heck of a good kid there

[gabrielsmom]

cjsmom:

I wish I had a solution for you but my son is going through the same thing. As soon as it started this year I went to his teacher. She told me to tell my son to ignore it since the kid doing the teasing has some extreme issues and would probably pound the heck out of my son(apparently the kid doesn't give a s***, and could and will get out of control). Anyway, we did this for a while and still no solution, so, I just went straite to the assistant principal and told her what was going on. Turns out, she knows this bully very well. I also told her that I have given my son permission to totally lose it with this kid and pound the heck outta him. I told her that I was tired of this kid teasing and bullying my son and that unfortunately, sometimes the child has to kick the hay outta his tormentor for them to finally leave him alone. I told her I would much prefer for that to not happen but if the school didn't do anything that I would not punish my son for defending himself. I also told her that now that the school is informed of what was going on, If my son did beat up this kid, I would expect for them not to suspend him and if they did expected the bully to be expelled or suspended along with my kid.....

Well, let see what happens... Wow I guess i needed to vent too.

[camismom]

CJsMOM28 said:

I don't know if I did the right thing or not?

Yes, you did the right thing. Now, my advice to you is to stay on top of it until it stops..... insistin all the while that it stops TODAY!

Cami had bullying troubles last year that carried over to this year. She has been in a fight twice with one of her bullies (it a group of friends), both times the bully started the fight, but Cami got suspended too. The one last year cost her her chance to try out for cheerleading.

This year Cami has been really struggling. Her grades are low, her self esteem at it's lowest, the bullying taking it's toll, etc., stress from outside school, etc. She was dx'd with depression a few weeks back and admitted to suicidal thoughts. All this came about in mid-December after the last fight and suspension.

I was ALL OVER that school that afternoon and the next day. I told them they were informed of this problem last year and did nothing and if they did my dd might be cheering this year, she might not have such a low self-esteem as a result, that the fight that day wouldn't have happened, etc. I reminded them of the zero-tolerance policy on bullying as well since they had used zero-tolerance for fighting as the excuse for her suspension.... since she fought back. He@@, she was defending herself! I pretty much let them know that if they didn't do something, I would "seek counseling elsewhere."

Since that time I have had pretty regular contacts from Cami's counselor.... and she must have these girls on notice too because Cami came home the other day and told me Sh (the bully) was in front of her in the hallway that day and when she saw Cami she immediately stepped out of her way and let Cami by.

Anyway, yes, let the school administration know and make yourself a paper trail as proof. Then if something else happens you have proof that they were alerted to the problem and did nothing.

Go get them!

[vickilyn32]

Christy, I hope you have seen the end of your bullies. I am so lucky that Dans did not last any longer than it did. Is there something you could get Cami involved in to boost her self-estem? I seem to remember you saying she cheered in a community program of some kind, is this still an option for her? In our school 3 lunch detentions, or one ISS or any OSS and they can not try out for cheerleader. However this is not true for any of the sports teams. Has she tried dance or karate? I think you said she plays a sport, how is that doing?

CJsMOM28
I would have and did go to the teacher, to the principal and to the football coach. Dan did not want me to, but he was so upset and I had had enough! I worked at the school for the first year he went thru this, and I made a point to just stop in and ask everyone how things went each day. I think they got sick of hearing from me and finally told the boy that if he did not stop picking on DS, he would no longer be alowed to play any of the sports when he was in 7th. I hope things imporve for you as your child gets a little older.

[camismom]

Vicki,

Cami gave up on her cheerleading dream and moved on to Drama. It's fitting since I have always called her a Drama Queen. She is in the Drama Club at school this year and took a short course of acting classes during the Fall at a local theatre here. She will do it again in the summer months. She is also taking guitar lessons. We got her the guitar for Christmas. So, for now that is her dream. She wants to be an actor/singer one day, ala Lindsey Lohan, Hilary Duff, etc. I think Drama is her thing though as she has always been a Drama Queen and artistic. They are doing Annie at her school this year and she is going to try out for Annie's part . Try outs are next Tuesday. She said if she doesn't get Annie she will be just as happy top get one of the other orphans parts to just "start her out in her acting career", maybe Pepper or shoot! Can't remember the other one's name. Anyway, I think getting a part would boost her ego tremendously. That's her biggest thing right now.... she just feels like a failure in anything she does.

[vickilyn32]

Let us know when her tryouts are and we will send some good luck vibes her way. I am glad she found something she enjoys. Amber was in one act play this year. (very small part) and she had a great time. She got the part because she was an understudy and came to all the practices, the child who had the part of the dragon missed practices, so they gave the part to Amber. I guess they knew they could count on her being there. I was never comfortable enough to be in front of an audience, so I give a lot of credit to anyone who can get on stage and not run off in tears.