MAY DAY MAY DAY!!!! CODE 5

[buttercup]

OMG! Ok, on top of the doing horrible at work post I just made, I have another issue. God help me.

Here's the story.

About a month ago, I contacted a guy from high school that I had a big thing for. I heard through the grapevine that he is now divorced. It's been 20 years.

He wrote back and said he has been looking for me too. So, we excitedly went about making plans to see each other (we live in different states). He said he will be out here on business and wants to see me. Great.

Well, first of all I had to bring up a touchy subject. Religion. We used to both be very Mormon. I am not in that religion at all anymore and if he is, there would be no point--I wouldn't even be able to be his friend. It would be a total dealbreaker. So, I put it right out there and told him that I would understand if this was a no-go for him. It took him a WEEK to respond. I thought for SURE this meant he was put off by this. So, I tried to just forget about it.

No...a week later he pops up with "sorry it took me so long to respond. i'm in sales and have been travelling. i am not concerned about your religious beliefs at all." ok, fine. that's good.

so, we go back to making plans and he basically says 'i can't wait to see you. my schedule is unpredictable, but it looks like july 6-9.' i replied with 'that's fine, short notice is ok. i don't have any trips planned until winter and my job is pretty flexible. i can work around you. would you like me to make any of your reservations or pick you up from airport, etc?'

no answer for 9 days!!!!!!

interjection--classmates.com lets you know when (and IF) the person has read the email that you sent them. so i could tell he was READING his email, just not responding.

a few days ago, it was 2 days until he was supposed to be here. i still hadn't heard anything. and, you KNOW...as a woman all the stuff we are going through to make sure we look decent (nails, hair, clothes, making sure our homes look good, car washed, etc.)

so, 2 days before, i finally broke down and wrote him an email that went something like this 'hey, haven't heard from you, doesn't look like you you'll be able to make it. shoot. hope you're ok. here's my number in case email is a problem. if i don't hear from you by tomorrow, i'm going to go ahead and accept another last minute invitation."

i thought it was darn diplomatic of me. i basically was really annoyed, but decided to give him a phone number just in case he can only READ, but not RESPOND to emails when he is travelling. but, seriously COME ON, he is in sales for heaven's sake. how could he not have email access? or, better yet, have READ ONLY email access?

so, what happens? yah, he blows through the day that I basically requiested him to call me. I was really mad. I have been treated this way before and I HATE it. I do not want to waste another day of my life waiting for a man like that. I had 15 solid years of that sort of thing with someone I wanted to marry and I guess I am REALLY sensitive to it. The guy would ALWAYS let me down and disappear for weeks at a time. I know, color me stupid. And, typically, he would call me later and act like nothing was wrong and just sweet talk me with "I love you so much. I have missed you." I guess I was desperate.

So..anyway. I thought high school guy just changed his mind or something. So, imagine my shock when a day after I asked him to call (and I KNOW he has my phone number), he writes and says "I'm sorry it took me so long to respond (same exact words as the first time). I have been on business and only have limited email support. (Ummm..ok, but you had my phone number). I will be out of town putting out fires for the next week or so, but will call later to reschedule."

I went through the roof. I decided that he weenied out for some reason (no problem), but I didn't expect him to try to get a hold of me again at ALL. He waited until the day he was supposed to be here with no communication in between. I think that is just wrong and awfully casual. I decided never to speak to him again. I don't even want to get into this kind of cycle again. Get excited...wait...get let down. I tried not to get excited in the first place and I'm wondering how a normal person would feel or if I am just 100% ADHD and am much more reactive.

I don't want him thinking he can just give me a call now and that everything is all hunky dorey. I don't want to start that stupid pattern. It puts me in a bad position. Either I can stuff it and be nice...and actually resentful inside. Or, I can say something and risk looking like an overreactive female dog. Or, I can hang up on him if he does call. Ugh.

So, to head off an awkward phone call in the future, I decided to respond to his email. This is where I'm freaking out. Here's what I wrote:

We aren't even married or even had the chance to catch up and we are already about to have a "thing." )

Sweet, sweet honeypie friend of mine...I can tell when you have read your email (I get a notification in my mail). You had a full day to take 5 min. to call me (since you have my number) and tell me personally that you won't be able to make it before I had to answer back about some other plans; it hung me up until the very end.(*sigh* Pointing these things out never makes me popular.)

I'm sure that you're probably not aware of the little things we ladies do to make things special when someone comes to visit, and it sounds like you're an awfully busy man with an upredictable schedule. The point is, communication, even just to say "Hey, I can't make it" BEFORE an important time (or when someone asks you to) is a big deal. For pity's sake, I don't care WHY you can't make it (well, of course I CARE, but you know what I mean). What I mean is you don't have to give me an explanation...I'm quite cool about those sorts of things actually, thank you.

If you really still want to see me just say "I blew it" and do it differently from now on and we'll get along like Will & Grace, Wally & the Beav, biscuits & gravy...I think you get it. Otherwise, just give my number to a rich, very old man who has no heirs cause it just drives me crazy. I'm such a girl. ;o)

xoxo

Signed,
Pain in the Charmin

Now I'm all distressed that I made a deal of it. I mean...I did say that I was flexible and short notice was OK, but GEEZ!!! He did not communicate with me at all! He is in SALES...of course he would have email access. Come ON! I am feeling like a drama queen and overreactive. I almost had a panic attack about it last night when I was in class. Wanted to just run outside, scream, and start rocking in a corner. I hate being put in these kinds of situations. I have a hard time confronting people...a REALLY hard time. But, I don't want to be walked on either.

I think he is either socially stupid, or showing me disrespect. I think it's atrocious that he would just casually say "I'll call later to reschedule." How presumptive!

Ugh.. I need a hug. I am feeling so insecure right now.

On top of that, I had to confront my brother too. He is giving me mixed messages and acting weird, but that is an entirely different thread.

I'm just up to my ears with insecurity at the moment and emotionally hijaaked. <Squeek - Help.>

buttercup

[tridlette]

Deep breath. {{{{{ hugs }}}}}

I feel like you have been inside my head

I guess a sales man must have some degree of ADD too, in order to live on the road like that. I think your letter, as quoted, was actually very good. You didn't sound too whiny, or pushy. Just matter of fact. He should be able to read it and get the idea that you care enough that you went to the trouble to get yourself "ready" for him, and you feel put out by his "guy" behavior.

He should write back saying sorry, and I was a dope, and I'll make it up to you.

BUT, if he is not dependable now, he won't be later on in a relationship either. I had the hots for a coworker for a long time, and when I moved away, I felt like I would die without him. It's been 4 years, and I still think of him, but the romantic thoughts are gone and now I just treasure his friendship.

I think as we get 15-20 years out of high school, we start to long for the old days. I know I have been thinking about those days a lot lately. I really wish I could go home again!

Take it easy on yourself, don't get into a false ideal. Treasure your time with him, but don't expect it to go into a life time deal... doesn't sound like he would do lifetime very well.

{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}

Laurie

[buttercup]

Thanks Laurie for your quick response. I have been so insecure all night and morning. But, you know...if I hadn't sent the email, I would have been wishing that I had.

I used to be in awe of him when I was younger. I was intimidated by a cute, charming guy, so I was really agreeable and submissive back then. I don't want him to think that things are still the same.

Also, you make a good point about the possibility of him being ADHD. He is in sales, he didn't follow through, he pushed it to the very end, he contacted me AFTER an important date, he isn't totally relevant in his email responses, he is divorced. I thought about the same thing too, but sort of thought 'nah...what are the chances?" But, you know...maybe (?)

I'm guessing he is probably offended and won't contact me, but I have to remember that I was offended too. My fear is that he is thinking of me as a spinster, irrational, overreactive b*tch. But, I am thinking he is disrespectful, socially incompetent, arrogant, and presumptive jacka*s. I guess we're even.

Thanks again for talking.

buttercup

[rosyred45]

Oh buttercup ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Listen to Laurie, she makes sense. I don't think you sounded offensive at all. Just to the point, and if he is offended by it, you don't need him anyhow. I get brutally honest sometimes, and I wish I didn't, but then when I don't I wish I did, so you did good by stating exactly how you felt.

I hope your feeling better now, I haven't seen your work post, I'll be venturing around here shortly, but just to let you know honesty is the best policy in your case.

Take care
Kaiti

[buttercup]

Thank you Kaiti so much. I feel the same way you said, brutally honest and offensive to people sometimes and then so wimpy that I got walked all over by someone at others.

Thank you for giving me feedback that I was ok.

Right in the middle of class last night I had this horrible wave of "OMG! What have I just done? My ADHD is going to help me ruin every possible relationship I ever have."

My relationship with my brother is also on very VERY thin ice at the moment b/c I am calling him on strange behavior. I updated my sensitive people post about this too. It's hard to be confident when even your close family (except Mom & Dad, thank God) are at risk.

[rosyred45]

Oh get outta my head ;D I agree, but the funny thing about me and my husband, we compliment each other with our reactions, our thoughts and our whole vibe. There's someone out there for ya, just don't look too hard, or it will make you feel like there isn't.

And I look at Mikey(my son) as a natural at a lot of things, especially people skills. He is quite the conversationalist most of the time. He is SUPER HYPER. I was blaming my husband until my grandmom tells me:
YOU WERE JUST LIKE THAT AT HIS AGE

Thanks for the support mom-mom. But I don't like looking at things negatively, so that is one thing that you need to look at, all of the positive effects that make you, well, YOU. Don't look at it like no one calls me, look at it like, dang, no inturruptions from the telemarketers. ;D

Find your niche. How you get things done. Unless you have a super restricted job, is there anything that can be changed to make it your advantage? Can you do things differently but still get the same results? With me, I am a BIG PROCRASTINATOR. I always wait till the last minute, and half the time it bites me in the butt and I swear I'll never do it again. And then I go and do it again. I know what I can and can't do. If I can't do something, I have FINALLY learned the word NO.

Say it with me NO< NO< NO <NO. No I can't, I'm busy, sorry I can't tonight.

There, did you say it? Well, say it then.....hee hee.

Don't let things dwell on you too much, coming from the one who does that too. Don't burn bridges, but don't let people walk all over you either.

Being straight forward is a big plus, not everyone has that talent. Seriously, look around you, everywhere things are being masked by everyone. Can you tell me that everyone you know if tottaly honest and straight forward, or do they shy away from the cold hard facts? 9 times outta 10, it isn't politically correct to voice your true feelings, but heck, I've never followed the majority, so PC or not, I'm saying what I feel, when I feel, and how I feel.

Off the soap box
Kaiti

[Linda]

Hey buttercup...you did nothing wrong!!!!!I think you are a very nice person.Don't beat yourself up over this jerk...he is not worth it.You didn't make a deal out of it so don't stress it....Do something nice for yourself.

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[buttercup]

Thanks Linda and Kaiti,

Ok, I did nothing wrong; he is a jerk.

Right now I am taking a screenwriting class and am wriitng a screenplay about a 40-year-old woman who has one of those moments where she goes "If I could have only been able to help myself" and Boom!, she gets a chance to go back and help herself. She has to find a clever way get into her own 20-year-old self's life and influence and help her.

One of the things I would have done, if I could have been my own mother or friend, would have been to steer myself away from fretting about social things and to really pick a subject that interested me and to focus on it. It's a tall order for a person with a FOCUSING PROBLEM in the first place. But, if sh were to tell me how she let a guy know that he was being rude, I would probably just say "Ok, whatever--he probably deserved it--big deal...now back to Chemistry. Where were we?"

I wouldn't for a minute let her second guess herself. She would think she was Ashley Judd by the time I finished with her. (Saw a special on E! about Ashley and her conifdence--the Judd's are a friggin' study in confidence. I'm not even into country much and I still marvel at who they think they are. The mom is completely annoying, but GEEZ, she thinks VERY WELL of herself).

I would have done everything I could to take the focus off of social worries. So, if I could just duplicate myself to sit here next to me and say the same thing...well, for one thing I would be insane, but more to the point, I will find a way to help myself like I was my own fairy godmother. ;D

[ohmama]

It sounds like this guy's attitude is very lukewarm. He may very well have other "irons in the fire". Ignore him and play a little hard to get. Make him pursue you or let him fade away. You could be wasting your hopes and putting yourself on a never ending rollercoaster ride that is really no fun.

[buttercup]

Agreed Ohmama, esp. about the 'no fun' part. I have BEEN through this at some length with someone else. I finally wised up to it and realized it's a no-win game...and it's a very painful one.

That's why when this guy did it twice, I had to wonder if he was doing what it looked like he might be doing...both times were sort of gray-area situations and he seems to have a legitimate excuse and he keeps coming back like he's interested. (Uhh...make that past tense). I mean, I DID tell him that I was flexible and that short-notice was OK since he has an unpredictable schedule. But, it still has that flavor of boundary pushing and being a day late and a dollar short.

That's why I felt insecure about making a "deal" of something--second guessing myself.

Ok, anyway...the new me. Look around me and focus on the important things. My job, my future, my interests. This is just small potatoes and someone who was really with it, etc. would have asked me for my phone number pronto and nailed down some specifics. I wouldn't be sitting here confused.

Back to work. Back to exercising.

[SKay]

Buttercup, your situation sounds very much like one that I heard about a couple of months ago. I don't know what has happened since then, though. By the way, the guy has ADD.

Maybe a lesson to be learned for the future, let the guy do the initial contacting. If he doesn't have enough initiative to do that, then maybe his interest isn't strong enough. Ok, so I'm really old-fashioned. Men are supposed to have the hunter instinct; let them do the chasing. That is very hard I know. I am a very quiet person so I'm hard to get to know. Consequently, I was 32 before I got married. It was almost impossible to sit back and do nothing, but you know what? The guy I married made the first move. I hope I'm not sounding preachy. (I tend to be either too much to the point or I beat around the bush and ramble.) If there is anyone I'm "upset" with it's these men that lack initiative and followthrough. I probably said too much already so I'll quit.

[buttercup]

SKay,

Yup, words to live by...let him do all the doin'.

I just re-read the responses on here and thank you again. I have been feeling a lot better. I tried my best to say it the best way I could.

If he had never written, I would never have responded. When he said "I'll call to reschedule later." I thought, "No. I do NOT want to have THAT conversation." So, I kind of headed it off at the pass.

After my dad's last wife died, he read "Women are from Venus..." and kept saying "I should have learned how to communicate better with her, etc. I just didn't know." He was feeling really remorseful about his behavior. I told him "Dad, as much as it is your responsiblity to know how to act, it was her responsibility to let you know what is wrong."

So, I was doing high school guy a favor. teehee He will never have to feel remorseful about me. ;D

Yah, the fact that I sought him out in the first place was probably a risky idea in the first place. Life and Learn...again...and again...and again...and again.

Lately, I have found that I don't like being around anyone under 30 because I feel like I am seeing ME through their eyes and I hate it. I see a 39-year-old single, never married woman witout kids or a boyfriend, who hasn't been exercising. OMG! It would be something that I would have thought "YUCK! I'm not going to be THAT!"

I know that's negative, but I just had to get that out.

Thanks again RoseyRed and Lauri for the hugs.

[SKay]

I feel bad that I may have sounded too harsh. Ok confession time; although DH initiated our relationship, he does little initiating or followthrough now, and I am really frustrated. Then again, if he were to tell all that I do that frustrates him . . .

Buttercup, did you know that it is an ADD trait to try to read other people's minds (according to Dr. Daniel Amen). I am very guilty of this myself. Since you don't really know that that's what the others are thinking about you, try not to think it. They may be thinking "I don't understand why no one has snatched her up yet."

[rosyred45]

I hope your feeling a bit better now buttercup. I told my husband yesterday that I was doing some serious soul searching, but didn't think to tell him it wasn't about him. He should have KNOWN that

Things around my house have changed quite a bit in the past month. Now that I actually have time to sit and think-I'm going crazy-I have time to think. But I am finding out what I want and need and what the rest of my family wants and needs. We are in no way collapsing, we are basically suring up and securing what we have.

I've let some little things get to me before because of procrastinating, but I'm done worrying about the dumb little things. It's time to let me be happy with who I am, not have an outside force have to make me happy.

Off the box again

[buttercup]

SKay, no problem. I know what you mean about the mind reading. We probably just project how we would feel in a certain situation. I usually guess that someone is haveing the mostly likely reaction. Like if I call someone a bad name, I think that 90% of the time, they are probably going to be offended and put off, sort of thing.

Lauri - thanks. You're lucky to have some time to sort tings out. It can be energizing to re-group and re-commit.

I'm feeling ok about the guy. It doesn't put me in a very good position when someone acts disrespectful toward me. I have a hard time recognizing disrespect or confronting it for sure, probably because of having ADHD and having so many social issues growing up. Managed to either allienate or be too nice and tolerate meanness because I thought that was the only way to keep a friend (pathetic, I know).

I have liked a lot of my boyfriend relationships because the good ones have allowed me to struggle things with them out and not toss me away. I think I'm a lot better than I used to be, but like I said, it's sort of hard to know when to say something and how forcefully to say it.