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Post by Honeysmom on Jan 31, 2004 0:28:00 GMT -5
Usually Jerry (That is DH, Honey has the same name, that is where we got Honey from) and I do not fight. If we do it is usually over something meaningless or a misunderstanding. Well, tonight I do not think I have ever been as mad at him in my life. At least we have made up, but I am curious of anyone else ever expierenced this. We got into a fight over Honey. We have an appointment to see the new doctor next Tuesday. I sent in all of my paperwork and the school called today and said that they forgot to mail theirs, but they would express mail it if I wanted them to. I said no, I'd just go and get it. When I got it home I read through their anwsers. I was glad to see they see the same problems that I do. Then I made the mistake of showing it to Jerry. He just went off. He accused the school of making things look worse than they are in hopes of having Honey in more special ed. It made me mad, but I told him I agree with the school. Then he made a few more comments about me blowing things out of proportion and said that he was going to see the new doc with us (we've had numerous doc's and he never went before) and after that he was going to take him to see this other guy (some therapist) from a class he took. I just lost it. I know I shouldn't have but I was mad at the fact that I am the one who has dragged this kid to doc after doc, filled out the forms, tried all the behavior mod., gave the meds, did the research, and took the brunt of the bad behavior. And now he is telling me he is concerned at how I am handling it?!?!  Then he threw the match on the gasoline. He told me that the meds Honey had last time were too strong. I said I know, we were trying something differnt to last him longer on days he needs it and it did not work out so we stopped. He response was "my son is not a guiene (sp) pig. You can't just "try" things out on him." I very calmly went to the basement, had a cigarette, and cried. When I came upstairs I gave him the letter I sent to the new doctor. The paperwork they give never gives enough room so I always add my own sheet (imagine that.) I said cross-out whatever behavior I listed that is inaccurate and I will let her know to change her copy when we see her. Nothing was crossed-out. Aparently I know our son better than he thinks I do. He said he couldn't have described him better and wouldn't have thought to put in half of the stuff I thought was important. I got a great big apology. I was still kind of sour about it, but after he put the kids to bed we both apologized and he admitted he was a Ja@#@ss the meds comment. I let him know that some of his comments both hurt and offended me. In the end we are both working twords the same goal, doing the best by Honey that we can and I can forgive that. Do you guys fight about your kids? We never really fight, but when I get my dander up watch out. Same goes for him. At least I got lots of I love you's and I am sorry's before bed.  |
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Post by HooDunnit on Jan 31, 2004 0:51:04 GMT -5
Do my wife and I fight? I suppose we have different views on whether we do or not. After 24 years of marriage (25 in Nov.), we just know some things about each other. Like the futility of pushing certain buttons, and the undesireability of pushing others. But certainly we have differed a lot in how to handle our ADHD son. And further to that, there is a third view because the boy himself can be quite oppositional. So, yes, it's all very stressful. But I know how you feel -- you carry the ball and he criticizes. My wife doesn't do that. She lets me carry the ball with our ADHD son. (period) Anything that I can do with him is what we can do with him. Fortunately, we have a second son who is just an angel. So my wife gets the angel and I get the other one. An ADHD son can be a challenge, but what a blast too. I'm laughing my head off much of the time. My wife doesn't laugh at the same things that I do. So we have a kind of designated parent system. I don't much monkey with her calls with respect to the angel, and she lets me manage the other guy. We find that that division of responsibilities works out well. But I'm sure that all of this has caused many divorces. So if you're still getting over the upsets, you're one of the winners. Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Barry
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Post by Honeysmom on Jan 31, 2004 1:12:49 GMT -5
Wow 25 years!! I am impressed. I want to be those little old people in the paper who are married for 50 years.  I guess I got sort of annoyed because I do "carry the ball." And until now, I went unopposed. Now he is interested and I like that, I just have to learn how to deal with managing certain things the way we want to, not how I want to. (I like to be in charge  ) It is my firm belief that agruments like this do make relationships stronger. And I think raising an ADHD child is a challenge in itself that is not for the faint hearted so since it won't kill us it will have to make us stronger. |
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Post by HooDunnit on Jan 31, 2004 1:34:33 GMT -5
You sure have a wonderful attitude. I really can't see how you can fail with your ability to be flexible, to adapt and change. I agree, as you said in your post about the principal, that it is always good to keep the lines of communication open. It is better to work as a team than as adversaries. Man, talk about a parent who is in there pitching -- it is you!!!!!!!!
Barry
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Post by LitlBaa on Jan 31, 2004 1:43:40 GMT -5
Hubby and I rarely fight, but most often it's about my DD (his stepdaughter). Because his boys never did (fill in the blank), he doesn't understand why she (fill in the blank). And because of his ADD, he always has to "get up in the mix" and I don't need him there! It just makes things worse. There are days I want to duct tape both of them, at least they can't argue with each other that way!
He doesn't disagree about the meds or the doctor visits, it's the behavior issues since she has recently become Bitter Barbara. She was mad at me this afternoon because my glasses broke and my having them fixed interfered with her plans. I didn't know I had broken my glasses on purpose just because I hate her life...These are the things that drive Hubby crazy. I tend to agree with her...right, Katie, I hate your life, I broke my glasses on purpose, I just love spending a Saturday morning sitting there not able to read anything because I have no glasses, all to upset you.I have nothing else to do today, my sole plan for the day is to make you angry.
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Post by sierra on Jan 31, 2004 1:49:16 GMT -5
DH and I used to argue a lot about the kids. Starting with the diagnosis. I didn't believe in ADHD and I thought the docs were just putting labels on the sprouts. DH was more open to what they had to say.
It appears that I was wrong. But I think it was the mom instinct to protect coming out. At the time I thought I was protecting the sprouts from kooky docs. Wasn't too long of educating myself before I realized the docs weren't kooky and I was going to need every bit of their help for the real fight. The fight with their school.
I still go through this process of getting ready for school meetings. First I go through the worst things I can imagine happening and I get just plain rageful about them. Rant, rave, kick things, write emails and don't send them. Really work myself up. Once I've got that out of my system but all saved up in case I need it I start rehearsing the moves. At that point it's just a strategy game to me. No personalities, just moves on the board. That's how I try to go into the meeting. But I know which moves will involve some of those rant and rave moves.
DH is used to this whole process I have to go through now. Just tonight I started in on the California exit exams and the letter the district sent about Bean Sprout's SAT9 test scores last year. I was just warming up to the subject when he laughed and said "You're getting ready for that sissy fight meeting aren't you?"
I told him if he wasn't going to help me with the yelling and kicking he better just get out of my way. He said to let him know when I'm ready to discuss the meeting plan and disappeared into his office.
Yeah. We been married nearly 25 years too. We know each other well enough to know when the yelling is for real. And we know ourselves well enough to know when we better go find a quiet spot and just cool off for a while.
Sounds like when push comes to shove you and your husband are on the same page Honeysmom. That's way more important than whether you're on the same page over every little bump in the road. But ya'll got to realize that you have different ways of dealing with the situations and different ways of preparing for the situations. Neither way is right or wrong. Both are right -- for somebody!
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Post by Honeysmom on Jan 31, 2004 2:10:25 GMT -5
Way to go for you also on the 25 years!! I am going on 6 and it is sad that to some people we know 6 years is unimaginable.
We are on the same page, we both want the best for Honey. And it is funny that you say you write emails you never send. I write posts on here all the time and then I feel better and I hit my back button.
Jerry does think the doctors are kooky. He also thinks that the school is pushing for more special ed b/c then they get more state money. While it is true that they do, I feel comfortable enough with Honey's teachers that I do not think this is the case. During the calm discussion afterward I told him that at some point he is going to have to trust a doctor. Listen to what they have to say and do your own research.
My way dealing with things is to find out as much as I can. I think his way leans more towards think the best and don't trust anyone. We probably make a good pair for each other.
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Post by mctavish23 on Jan 31, 2004 19:39:50 GMT -5
Hi,
Our kids dont have ADHD, thank goodness but I am a pain in the butt to my wife sometimes. The good news is that we always make up and I always vow to try harder to pay closer attention or not break stuff(...lol... as if). I also have Sensory Integration Disorder and have been thru OT twice at ages 47 and 52, It helped a lot but on a bad day my head buzzes and I should probably stay in bed....lol.
Now that I'm on methylphenidate ,( which I started on 10-26) , it and Wellbutrin are working well together so I'm less of a walking disaster.
I hope that the appointment goes well and Im glad ya'll could talk.Take care.
mctavish23(Robert)
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Post by susanthemom on Jan 31, 2004 21:30:21 GMT -5
We used to fight over our son's dx, because hubby was labeled "hyperkinetic" as a child and is extreamly sensitive to the medication experience and didn't want our son to be labeled, especially by the school system. His case was REALLY mismanaged and he probably went through more crud than most kids did. Took himself off meds at about the age of 9 or 10, just flat-out refused to take them anymore. Anyway, we butted heads a good bit through the whole dx process, but once he figured out how cautious I was with the whole medication thing and was careful about who would actually know about it, he backed off. Now, he's gone so much for work, that he relies almost entirely on me to take care of it all and is very supportive of decisions that I make in his absence. However, he has a bond with my son, due to previous experience, that I don't, so he sort of teaches me not to loose my cookies over certain things or to better appreciate how my son's emotions are affected by certain things that just don't occur to me. It's a very sweet relationship in that regard. They've both taught me alot about patience and coping. Long story short, we don't fight about it at all anymore really; now we fight about my "acts of neatness" vs. indifference to state of his dwelling. But that's a rant for the relationship board.  |
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Post by Honeysmom on Feb 1, 2004 13:51:03 GMT -5
Acts of neatness are a sore spot here also. It is very hard for me to keep on top of housework and laundry while trying to take care of my 2 little kids. When I am on a good run the house can be spotless, but then everything falls apart. And usually DH is the one who starts it.
He works on a farm so his clothes are usually filthy. We have an entrance that goes right into the basement, but it can't be used in the winter b/c it the door is old and leaks in cold air so it gets sealed in the winter. I have just learned not to crab about all of the silage and hay he tracks in all over the white floor. (I still can't understand why anyone who owns a farm would've put white lanolium in the kitchen anyway.)
But he forgives me when I have a bad day and get nothing done so I have to do the same for him. We both are getting beter, but we have to b/c I am trying to teach my kids to pick up and if I don't set a good example they will never do it.
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Post by rosyred45 on Feb 2, 2004 11:33:09 GMT -5
Hubby and I don't really fight to much, BUT as I just posted my birthday over on Linda's thread, we are both fire signs. Me aries, Him Sagitarius. Whatever we do, we do it full throttle. Its called night and day at my house and I'm not even looking out the window ;D Most of it is my fault, of course, you know, God Forbid we can't BARE to put a dish in the sink or fold clothes or what ever. The more I sit here, the more I realize I am getting absolutely nothing done, huh, wonder when someone will come pick up after me and do my laundry and put my clothes away............. Sorry guys, MEN, can't live with em' can't hide the bodies fast enough. ;D Kaiti by the way, we are working on 9 happy years. 12 yrs. together over all. I wouldn't trade him for the world  |
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Post by finnmom on Feb 2, 2004 11:58:20 GMT -5
Well ;D Where to start  We fight very randomly. It´s me who end´s up screaming of some thing´s that make me angry; dishe´s, laundry, kid´s behaviour and how it does not seem to bother hm at all..... I have demanding job, wich I love, 3 kid´s and a hubby you cant call "handy" or even very activ on those little thing´s that all house´s has on "to be done"-list ;D Iám no angel, far from that, and I´ll get "pretty" mad sometime´s, usually over some little thing´s  Once or a while I actually hope we could have a good fight and get over it ;D Marja |
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Post by rosyred45 on Feb 2, 2004 12:01:45 GMT -5
Marja Sometimes hubby says I pick fights just to fight. NOT ME. At least I have a VALID point if I'm "discussing in a manner which is not deemed polite" Kaiti |
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Post by finnmom on Feb 2, 2004 12:12:36 GMT -5
Marja Sometimes hubby says I pick fights just to fight. NOT ME. At least I have a VALID point if I'm "discussing in a manner which is not deemed polite" Kaiti Aren´t they just SO WRONG ;D Who might do something like that ;D By the way, since you all counted your marietal-year´s, our count is 10, who could believe that  Marja |
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Post by Honeysmom on Feb 2, 2004 12:41:46 GMT -5
I guess if I "have a heated discussion" I haven't really counted it as a fight. Maybe we do more bickering than I realize.
I don't condsider it a fight until it becomes un-polite. (if that is a word) I can be polite and still fight, but when it goes to low digs and well, nasty words or name calling (only on my part), I consider it a fight.
Sometimes I like to get mad and just get things off my chest. DH is not a fighter. He just walks away, good for him. It drives me NUTS! I want to scream at him when he does that. Just let me yell and get it over with and we'll all be happier.
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