How outsider´s see our situation???

[finnmom]

HI
We had an appointment with a neurologist today, while talking with her, it really hit me again :

She told us, that she thing´s our ds as an highly hyperkinetic ADHD-child, "he clearly has very much problem´s with attention, staying at his place and focusing etc,etc," She made my ds sound like 10 times worse as what he is The first theacher my ds got, was same way, she actually was sorry for my "though life" ;D

My question/consern is: Am I loosing it Dont I just realice what my life is like ;D Should I react differently for thing´s

OR

Are we just so well addjusted(?) to this situation that keeping everything scheduled, pre-organized, rutinized ... Whatching my kid´s every move and reacting those immediatly Telling ahead of every single thing that we are going to do, see, go to visit ;D.... Seems like ordinary family-thing to do ;D

I´am rambling, I know, but I mean to say that outsider´s do see our situation much worse than we do. Propably that´s the only thing that keep´s me sane ;D

Do you see your live as hard as the neighbour-next-door or have you get it organized so that you don´t consider minor acsident´s as an desaster ;D
Marja

[Dad2Brooke]

Marja, we are fairly regimented. There are things that I know not even to attempt with Brooke. I do think we are adjusted/desensitized to it. As aprents, we do the things we do in the ways we do them to help the ones we love, our children.

What outsider's see and feel, I can't control. But I am learning to turn that to Brooke's advantage.

If having them (outsider's in a particular situation) think or feel a certain way about Brooke will help her, then I will share experiences to make them feel that way even more.

To me the end justifies the means.

I've often thought, that these people should take my child for a weekend, and on Monday, they would be begging to give her back.

However, if they took her for a month and got to know her, and learned to deal with the ADHD, and saw the beautiful person that she is, I'd have to fight to get her back.

It's not that our children are so difficult to deal with, most outsider's don't want to invest the time to have a rewarding relationship with them. They would rather judge instead.

What a shame.

[jdmom]

That's part of the reason that I fought the ADHD dx for so long....it didn't seem like there was anything "wrong" with my child to me, that was just the way he was and we had learned to live "around" it. He isn't a bad child, I never have had problems with discipline. His pre-kindergarten teacher was constantly sending home notes and scheduling conferences. Don't get me wrong, he loved her, but I think she was trying to point it out to me without telling me out-right. Then his kindergarten teacher started in...and I thought what is wrong with teachers today? Do they expect children to be perfect angels all day long? Then I started talking to friends that had children my child's age. Does your child sit still through a whole meal? He doesn't flit from task to task to task? He doesn't talk, talk, talk? Then it started affecting his schoolwork. Unfinished papers right and left. I finally took him to the doc. Actually, I was floored. I really thought about not doing anything at all at first. I mean, I had no trouble controlling him, the teachers should just learn to deal with it. Then a friend convinced me to try meds to just see if there was a difference. What a difference! Now he has such better "control" of himself. And he's happier. No more bringing home bad notes and feeling like a bad kid, just because he couldn't be still and be quiet. He will tell you himself that he can "concentrate" now.

[HooDunnit]

Hi Marja --

Is it a tough life? ;D ;D ;D ;D

My store is in a downtown where panhandlers often ask me for money. Sometimes they begin by asking, "Have you had a tough life?" What they are really saying is that THEY have had a tough life and they want me to help them out.

People come at things from their own perspective. What one person considers normal, another person considers terrible. What one person considers regimented enough, another person considers lax. I usually just laugh people off. Unless it's my wife. Then I straighten up. At least until I'm out the door.

In homeschooling my severely-ADHD son for five years, I always gave him as much freedom as I safely could. I would draw him back in to me whenever he was in danger, either physically or mentally. But other than that, I let him explore the world and his own feelings. To others, he certainly seemed hyperkinetic. He was EXTREMELY hyperactive. And, of course, he was easily distracted and so on. He still is. But he is a well-adjusted seventeen-year-old who is doing well at a private high school. It is really only success that matters. Afterwards, all the critics say, "Well, you must have done something right." And I just say "Thank you" and move on. For the most part, people are interestted in themselves. They are concerned about whether their own lives are tough.

Barry

PS He just walked through my store with a beautiful babe from his school, so he's doing something right too!!

[jachkldavis]

I think that we are well adjusted, we have to be. I also think that it is hard for people to understand unless they are in the situation. Some people today are so judgemental , self centered , and non caring . I know that I dont see our situation worse or better than anyone else. I know that things could be worse! I have a girlfriend with a daughter the same age as my ds. We have been friends since our kids were born, both now 5, and she has a hard time understanding because her daughter is "normal". We do what is best for our kids and that is what is important . More people today need to put their children first!

It's not that our children are so difficult to deal with, most outsider's don't want to invest the time to have a rewarding relationship with them. They would rather judge instead.

This is so true! I think most people have a bad image of ADHD kids in general. They think of them as " Doped up kids" and it is because of the negative media about it and judging before they even know them.

[finnmom]

:)you are so good at reading my mind
I was just going to add my post, after getting kid´s in bed. I though what I wrote earlier and I was going to add this:

How would my live be hard and overwhelming when I have my beatifull, lovely, loved first-born son with me

It really made me mad, that those people didn´t see any wurther than that hyperness. You are right, it doesn´t matter how they see it, it just make´s some thing´s harder to bare, when you feel obligated to explain your live the way any "normal child´s" parent don´t have to do. Yeah, I know, I don´t have to explain to anyone, but sometime´s it´s almost impossible not to explain. Well, I dont seem to be able to explain myself even now, I think I´am still in a bit of a rebound of that neuro-visit today!

Thank you of your reply´s
Marja

[loveforeric]

Marja;

I just read your post and am in agreement. I think that we have been given these wonderful people to share our lives with. And we have made our everyday a regimen because we know how lucky we are to have these great children.

I know that when things happen with my severe son, our neighbors react more concerned than I do about some things. Probably because they don't have the time to learn about the idiosyncrosies of the family life we lead. Sometimes Eric will fall on the ground and act silly. The moms at the bust stop often look at me with pity and disdain becuase I don't jump at his every departure. ;D ;D

I think we are well adjusted to our lives because that is the only way it works. Also, people on the outside looking in do have a hard time understanding because todays world is so ruled by Judgement and not love and acceptance. If it were, we wouldn't be excluded and looked down on so much.

Sorry for rambling, you brought up such a good point.

Have a peaceful day,
Christina

[Honeysmom]

I used to feel sorry for myself. I thought, why is my kid this way? Now I know. He is the way he is to teach me that everyone is differnt and does not come out of a cookie cutter.

I was the person that had absolutly no tolerance for kids throwing a fit in the store, running around, yelling, and oh the list goes on. I always thought, what is wrong with those parents? Why don't they do something with that kid? I always said MY kids will never.... Just fill in the blank with anything you want because I was going to give birth to Angles.

Then for a few years, oh about 2, I had the uncontrollable kid. I was a prisoner of my own house. I didn't dare go anywhere b/c I was so embaressed of what he might do.

Then I woke up and realized, there are lots of kids like mine. I just needed to learn how to go places that were "kid friendly." Honey was not the problem, I was. What was I thinking expecting a 3 yo to sit through a whole church service? Hello!!!!!

I no longer look at anyone or judge them for what their kids are doing in public. I just smile and pretend I do not notice it, my kid might be next.

Now my DH will go to the extend of helping out mothers who have kids that are giving them a hard time. He has a very low voice and will just very calmly say, "give your mother more respect and lister to her." They do everytime, and everytime the mothers thank him. He has yet to meet the one who asks him to leave them alone.

We are lucky to have the kids we do no matter what the critics say!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[StrugglingAgain]

You know what? I hardly have the time to think about anyone else. Yes, I'm sooooo busy making life as simple as I can for my child and the rest of the family, that anyone else who may be judgemental, can suck an egg. It's very time consuming to keep everyday experiences running smoothly. My ADHD child was adopted at birth.....yep, it's been difficult, BUT I don't know where I might have been or where he might have been if we didn't have each other. They are worth every second, no matter how many seconds that turns into. I'm sure that ALL of our lives run like they do because we love our children and our families. We all work hard....or we wouldn't be here. Those others don't have a clue how hard we work!

[AustinsMom]

Based on the number of responses you've gotten in such a short time, you have obviously hit a nerve with this thread. I know it's certainly a timely topic for me. We are in the process of getting a diagnoses so we can get accomodations at school, and we filled out a parent checklist. I'm always describing him as "at the high end of normal" on his activity level (maybe a little denial going on here still), and have just recently recongized and been able to say that I feel like he "has some of the same tendencies as ODD kids". But we honestly filled out the checklist being as accurate as possible on specific items, and Joann showed me the scoring today...and on our scale he is definitely ADHD and what shocked me, was his ODD was just as high.

So relating it to your original thought, what I was thinking was that if you look just at specific behaviours (like I did on the checklist and like others do when they see our kids for short periods of time) there are blatant problems. But when we filter that through our love for them and the sweet and endearing things we also know about them, then everything gets evened out so the problems aren't as glaring.

The parent in me is still not wanting to put that harsh ADHD and especially ODD label on my sweet, affectionate, enthusiastic, stubborn, opinionated, animated child. But I guess if it gets him the accomodations he needs....guess I'll have to force myself to face this denial I would really rather hang on to and see him through the eyes of an objective outsider. But I certainly don't have to like it or even necessarily believe it:-)

[kstquilter]

yes, i think this is a real nerve! dd doesn't have a severe case of adhd so sometimes think others see her as a bad kid or us a bad parents. where if she was more severe, maybe people would see a true disability of some sort. thankfully for us, it isn't severe and i truly am grateful.
just know that when i'm having a bad day and i've talked to my mom she truly has no idea how we manage because she knows she couldn't handle it. sometimes i think she thinks if we were just more strict, more disciplined, more of everything, we wouldn't have these problems.
i agree that i've thought of giving her to mom or someone who doesn't think it's that big a deal. but you're right, dd is such a gift and job that i would miss her too much to risk them keeping her!
they truly are a blessing.
karen

[EllenR]

Like AustinsMom and kstquilter, my ds does not have severe adhd and I always thought he was at the high end of normal for boys. However, at school, where he's been since k4, there were problems every year. His best teachers were his k4 teacher and his current one and the worst was k5. I also thought they expected too much (Catholic school). He was dx this past summer but it wasn't til recently that I have come to believe it (kids making fun of him at school, bad grade in math).

I have a sister though who doesn't think he is and her husband has made remarks a number of times about having to keep a close eye on David in case he sticks a finger in an outlet or somthing. David has never done that or even come close to doing it. He's gotten hurt at their house but never anything I consider out of the normal. My sister has never said anything like this, thank goodness, but after telling them, we just don't mention it anymore.

We had already started doing certain things with him before the dx because we learned through his behavior what not to do, e.g., have to prepare him for any major change in routine.

Sorry to ramble on and get off track.

[catatonic]

I feel sorry for myself regularly, and sorry for my son even more often. How difficult it is not understand appropriate behavioral boundaries, to be so intelligent yet still struggle in school, to want friends and not have them (or not very many). I love my son and would never want to experience life without him, but ADHD is not a blessing. A learning experience, perhaps, and a challenge, and forced instruction in developing patience, compassion and unconditional love. I would rather have learned these things through different means! Yet even so, I'm vastly fortunate that my boy (that all of my children) are healthy and bright and loving.

Just the other day I was talking with a friend. Both of her boys have ADHD and she often feels that others judge her as a bad parent and blame her for her children's behavioral problems. Since I have 4 children, only 1 of whom has ADHD, I KNOW that parenting is not the cause. But I think there are many people out there who attribute our children's ADHD behaviors to our lack of parenting skills. No matter how detached we claim to be from all that, being judged as a bad parent hurts. Especially when we're trying so incredibly hard, harder probably than any parent who doesn't have a child with special challenges.

And these people who judge have no idea the amount of time, love and commitment it takes to raise our children. Instead of simply dropping them off at the cub scout meeting, we host the meetings in our homes. Parent teacher conferences aren't twice yearly events, they're weekly. Homework isn't something you ask them to do, it's something you sit down and make sure they do. We listen to teachers criticize our children and friends make excuses why they aren't included in things.

My son has been very fortunate in that two childless friends have each taken an interest in him and will take him to special events like the Christmas tree lighting or a children's play. This is soooooo good for his self-esteem, to feel valued and singled out, and self-esteem is an area where he needs all the help he can get. I wish more people could look at our children and see the bright, loving nature beneath the hyper, sometimes inappropriate, behavior. As to the others...well, I agree with StrugglingAgain...they can go suck an egg!

[lovemyson]

I too have spent time feeling sorry for myself and sorry for my son. When he's in a group of children his age it's painfully obvious that he is a little more "active" than most kids his age. After finding this site and realizing that my son is the way he is and that is that, I have come to appreciate him as diferent and unique. He is a beautiful little boy with a heart of gold. Alot of people with "normal" children should be so lucky. He definetly marches to the beat of his own drum. Somedays I wish I could care less about what people thought of me and do the same as him! Here's to all of our wonderful and unique children.....

[finnmom]

OH WOW ;D
Seem´s like I really did hit the nerve ;D

mayby I should be more accurate(?); The reason this hit me so hard yesterday is , that both person´s whom has mentioned this for me are professional´s, one was neurologist and the other one was theacher (not with ds anymore) I dont care about "everymen", they can think what they want, as so many of you have already mentioned colorfully . BUT a professional aproaching this subject with such unprofessonality

I´a m repeating myself in here BUT I love my son, he is my precious little boy, loving brother to 2 sister´s, so bright. It make´s me mad that other´s pick the worst of him!! But then again, if they would see the truth, I would have to figth to keep him ;D

I´am lucky, my family love´s him as he is, they can see that boy, their grandson, nephue etc under that behaviour and apreciate his personality as he is.

I hope noone got offended by this thread, I thank you all for reply´s. I think this is important, atleast it make´s us (me) to think the good thing´s in our/my child. Sometime´s it´s hard to remember what those were ;D

Marja

PS. Hoodunnit: I dont feel my live is though That´s just what make´s me to think this so hard, I have thought that we live an ordinary live, and then come´s someone to tell me it´s hard. How easy should or could live with children be And WHy should live be easy, aren´t struggling and working, thing´s that make´s live worth living?