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Post by aimee30 on Dec 3, 2003 13:01:57 GMT -5
I'm so upset right now. I just need to vent. Last night my ex husband called to check on the kids. He started asking about my DD. Wanted to know how she had been doing. She has been in trouble a lot on the bus and I had been called out to the bus driver Monday afternoon. She had spit on another girl on the bus! So I went to explain to my ex and I couldn't believe how he reacted. I should believe it though. He tells me that he had talked to her about her behavior on the bus and that a little boy had been picking on her. He then tells me that she should retaliate in whatever means that she can. I think spitting is nasty and shouldn't be done no matter what. I had explained to my daughter that she should never spit unless it was in the commode. Anyway, as the conversation with my ex went on he starts telling me that he doesn't think she is ADHD. That I am the one with the problem. First of all he only gets them every other weekend if then. Second, the teachers and counselor brought up the fact that they saw problems too. This was before I had mentioned any problems I had seen. I just want to know where he gets off telling me I have a problem. He continues the conversation by saying she is a perfect angel when she is with him. I had told him about all the problems we are seeing in school so he went out and bought her a workbook. Then he tells me that she didn't have any problems with the workbook. Yet he doesn't see her daily work. How can he base his opinions on a few pages of work in a workbook. I see her daily schoolwork. I know the problems. I had asked him several weeks ago to do some research on ADHD before he comes to any conclusion. Of course he hasn't. I mean my DD hasn't been diagnosed yet. We are in the beginning stages of evals. He thinks I'm automatically going to put her on meds. I haven't gotten that far yet. I want to rule out learning disabilities and any health problems she may have. I also want to check into other things like OT. If it comes to meds I will put her on them but it will be my last resort. All I did was ask him to do research and what does he consider research?  ?? He thinks talking to other people is enough. Someone told him that meds that are given for ADHD can ruin your liver. So then he starts telling me that if I want whats best for her I won't do anything that will ruin her liver.  I haven't heard or read anything about liver problems. He needs to do some research and be informed before he goes making assumptions. After all this he goes on to tell me that if I do decide to use meds that he thinks the kids will be better off living with him!!!!! ?? If she is truly ADHD it won't matter if she lives with me, him, or in Timbuktu! Don't come threaten me with a custody battle!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I've said my peace for now. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I've just been so angry and needed to tell someone. Sorry that this is so jumbled. My thoughts were coming faster than my little fingers could type. |
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Post by camismom on Dec 3, 2003 13:11:11 GMT -5
aimee, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this!! I've been in this same boat many times over! We LIVE with the kids, take care of them daily, help with schoolwork, field the calls from the teachers, attend the conferances, yet they think they're the experts based on seeing them 4 days a month! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! It always gets me when someone says, "she's a perfect angel with me". Well, yeah, she only sees you twice a month! She's trying to be on her best behavior so you don't disappear completely!  Anyway, try not to let him bother you too much! Get up a bunch of info on ADHD and give it to him next time he get's your girl. He may not admit it, but when it's laying around one day his curiosity will get the best of him. In the meantime, do what you think is best for your child, and tell him to back off! ;D hehe Take care! ------------------------------------- Christy |
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Post by on_edge on Dec 3, 2003 14:41:22 GMT -5
I completely understand. My ex would always tell me how the kids minded him (ex MIL did this too), never gave any problems. They would interrogate the kids until the kids would just give them the answer they wanted. You know, that I was the problem. I would ask the kids why they would tell these absolute lies and they would say to just shut them up. The kids never did anything wrong because someone else caused it. Ex would then do stupid things like take them to the movies or buy toys to make up for a mean mother.
Just remember this-your ex is mostly looking for a way to knock you down and boost his own ego. It is not even about the kids but a way to control. He most likely will never admit to a problem with dd herself because you are easier to blame. Hey, if he admits there is a problem then he would not have anything to berate you about.
After several years, I had to just plan on ex not being a part of the discipline picture. I would tell him what went on, but expected nothing in return. I would discipline around his visits. I know, I know, when disciplining you have to be consistent. But how can there when there are two houses and two sets of rules. Since they live with me then I was expected to be the "bad guy."
How I do it is I would write down on a piece of paper what rule was broken or what they did that was wrong. Then, I wrote the punishment for each broken rule. This was very exact because there was one punishment for each, how long, and an end date. If I said no tv for one week, it was seven days of my time. Even if it meant three days, two day break, and four more days. I was giving the message that I am in control of my home not Dad.
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lofo
Member
Posts: 47
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Post by lofo on Dec 3, 2003 14:43:54 GMT -5
Okay, about that workbook item..........
My son does a pretty fair job if I am right near him when he is doing homework. It is when he is at school with so many other noises, faces, and visual distractions that he can get off into deep space or go at a snail's pace or completely do the assignment with the wrong instructions. What about your daughter?
Try to remain calm with him through this all until she is totally dx'ed. If he starts ranting just tell him you don't feel like discussing it because at this point in time nothing is completed. Limit your words to him to the neccessities only. Consider praying for the right words to say to him.
Besides, even if she is dx'ed as ADHD I don't think a judge would award him custody just if you decide to medicate. Tell me, since when is that against the law?
You could possibly start documenting the times the teacher has called with problems, inappropriate behavior at home, and comments from other adult peers. If a judge were at all involved, records do a lot good. Besides it is good for you to track your child's progress. Do any of you others document?
Stay strong for your daughter, you are her #1 cheerleader!
Lori
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Post by Honeysmom on Dec 3, 2003 17:28:47 GMT -5
Amiee, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I do not have an exhusband, I only have a mother-in-law. She is a real pain. She see's the kids about 4 times a month and thinks DS4 is just "a boy." When we started him on meds she did the same thing, she told me that if I did not stop giving them that she was going to sue us (her son and me) for custody of our son. Naturally I was very upset about this, but someone here told me (and I am sorry I do not remember who) that if she wants to go through with this make sure you have everything documented. I have every copy of every tests ever done on Honey. I have notes from teachers and daycare workers. The amount of paperwork made her shudder, she dropped it right there.
He doesn't see the problem b/c he isn't there to. He is probably trying to make up for his lack of presence by thinking he can make the decision on this one. If he doesn't agree with meds he probably never will, so save yourself the time and don't even send them there with him. When Honey was still allowed to go to grandma's for a weekend (which is another long story) she would throw his pills out. Not just the ones for that day, but the whole darn bottle. Insurance only covers 30 a month and after that your on you own.
Good luck...Becky
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Post by GSDMommy on Dec 3, 2003 19:02:44 GMT -5
This seems like a common complaint. I agree with whoever said it was a power struggle. All he has to say is "no" and you are stuck with running around to prove "yes". He isn't running around trying to educate himself, but you are. I could see possibly when you have all the appointments to evaluate your DD, invite him. If you want, send certified mail and keep copies of the invitation. Every appointment, every meeting, every evaluation.........he will get the idea, so will the court. I am the last person to say that the court system is proof against stupid decisions, but as everyone has said :DOCUMENT!! He who has pieces of paper wins....his research is talking to people, no papers, no real research. Picture him standing up in court giving his opinion. Picture the judge's face as he says: "Joe Schmoe said these drugs give you liver problems!" Based on what? What degree does Joe have? What drugs? What were the administered levels that induced the liver problems? What population? what formulation? When was the test run? What dose is your DD on? .........See?It gets ridiculous rather quickly. He won't have the time to go to all the meetings either, so you have that point too for custody. He doesn't have custody but he didn't make it to all/any of her appointments, how could he help her in her needs? This has been a hot button issue in my life too......just sharing something that helped me. Hopefully I didn't come across angry or anything.....  |
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Post by Amsmom on Dec 4, 2003 21:15:51 GMT -5
Oh Aimee, I have the same problem with my ds7's "father", or "the donor", as I prefer to call him. He doesn't visit my ds anymore (he's violent and I won't let him see my ds unsupervised,so he chooses not to see him at all). He has always harrassed me for " Drugging" my ds, as he puts it. Believe me, I did TONS of research before my ds was put on meds. My ds is ADHD/bipolar and the mood swings are brutal without meds. My ds's dr said that he would explain in court my ds's symptoms and dx, but so far, we haven't come to that (knock wood). As far as the liver concerns go, many meds can be of concern, as they exit the body thru the liver. You have to get periodic blood levels to determine that liver function is within normal limits. Please don't let that scare you. Just get the blood work done as the dr advises and you will be on top of things. The tremendous benefit of many medications is quite substantial. I don't intend to sound like it is an easy decision, and it's not for everyone, but meds have improved my ds's quality of life. (It's not perfect, we still have our moments, but he has greatly improved.)
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Post by aimee30 on Dec 5, 2003 23:33:59 GMT -5
Thanks all for your words of encouragement. I don't feel as bad today. I have been documenting everything from the time he walked out on us. I guess I just have to do more now. I did get a call from the school today. They have the results of their observations and want to meet with me Wednesday. I sent a letter to Ex inviting him to the meeting. Don't think he will show, but I did invite him. We'll see what happens. Thanks again.
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Post by LitlBaa on Dec 6, 2003 1:19:21 GMT -5
Stay strong, Aimee! It's so hard to deal rationally with irrational people! Inviting your ex to the meeting is good, whether or not he shows. You have done all you can do.
I've been there...I'll be praying Wednesday morning that all goes well!
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