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Post by Honeysmom on Dec 1, 2003 11:37:57 GMT -5
I am at a loss. Honey's behavior has improved greatly in the last few months here. His meds are really helping him. We re still working out a few bugs, one of them is that when they wear off sometimes he gets so hyperactive it is like he cannot even hear you talking (or yelling) at him to calm down. I also do not think he has any control over it anyway. The problem is that now that Thanksgiving has passed my DH is plyaing the "if you do not behave you won't get any presents for Christmas" card.
We have very differnt opinions on this. I think it is mean to actually follow through on it, he does not. He thinks it will be a wake up call for Honey. I think he is too young, only 4, to get it. I also think it will make the holiday seem like a punishment when all the other kids are getting gifts and he is getting nothing, or as DH said, just get him socks and undies. I know he thinks he is making the best decision for Honey, he is not trying to be mean to him, he really thinks he will help him. I don't. We are really at differnt ends on this and I do not know how to handle it. We do not go overboard on Christmas the way it is and I just think it is all going to backfire if we do it his way. Also, I feel like Honey may get punished for something that he does not have much control over and that will overshadow his accomplishments.
What do you guys think? I am hoping he forgets he made the threat and then I can just do what I want, but I know he won't. Any opinions would be great. Thanks...Becky
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Post by catseye on Dec 1, 2003 11:47:33 GMT -5
I agree with you!! Besides christmas presents are great insentive to be "taken" away for misbehavior... To expect a child to be "good" for 25 days is a pretty high expectation IMO... Good luck
cat
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Post by susanthemom on Dec 1, 2003 12:13:27 GMT -5
I'm with you on this one Honey'smom. The "no presents" punishment sounds a little too general for whatever the specific offense may be. I don't think he's gonna learn anything about changing specific behaviors, when he can't even foretell what gifts he'll being missing out on in the first place. Nevermind the whole time delay for the punishment to come down on him. Although the bigger our family gets, the smaller the number of presents to each induvidual each year. And I must admit that the "coal in the stocking" bit sounds pretty good (and cheap;)) sometimes.  Susan |
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Post by AnneM on Dec 1, 2003 12:16:28 GMT -5
I agree with you too ... I don't think Xmas presents should be part of any "if you are not good you will not get any presents " plan. Perhaps however they could be used in the opposite way - i.e. "Wow... you were SOOOOO good today - if you carry on like this Father Christmas will be VERY pleased with you...." I mean as a sort of "incentive" rather than a "punishment" programme! Either way though he should get presents but if his behaviour hasn't been good then no comment should be made .... if his behaviour HAS been good then let him know that "and THAT (something special) present is because you have been really good recently" or use a specific time when you were really pleased with him ...
At 4 to get no presents as a punishment for his adhd disorder would be heartbreaking!!
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Post by adhdtimes4 on Dec 1, 2003 13:08:53 GMT -5
Remind your husband that Christmas is the time when God sent us all a Gift that we didn't deserve.  |
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Post by Dad2Brooke on Dec 1, 2003 14:45:29 GMT -5
Remind your husband that Christmas is the time when God sent us all a Gift that we didn't deserve. , amen!  Honeysmom, I agree with everyone else. Although, in the past I have used the "lump of coal" as a mild threat when Brooke was bad near Christmas time. I often wonder how much our children are able to control of their behavior. I really think that some things are beyond their control and to be punished for that is wrong. To not get presents at Christmas is very harsh for a child. Also, if he does follow through, this may be one of those times when the punishment is harder for the parent than the child. He (DH) will also have to live with it and himself, and a whole house of angry people. Just my  worth. |
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Post by Allanque on Dec 1, 2003 15:35:59 GMT -5
IMO, Christmas presents are not a reflection of what someone deserves. They're more a reflection of what the giver thinks of the person. The love that comes with it is worth more than the present. When I was little, if I didn't get any presents for Christmas, I think I would have understood it more as "Mom and Dad don't like me anymore" than "I did something wrong and this is my punishment", even if I was explicitly told that it was. I think that's part of the reason why Christmas presents are so much more exciting for kids (and the kids-at-heart ) than it is for most other people. It provides a concrete way to explain a sentiment and physical proof of something they can't actually touch or see. |
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Post by Zanesmom on Dec 1, 2003 16:40:57 GMT -5
My husband has a saying that he tells me when I'm being too hard on myself for some failing: It's not the case that you are only as good as your last act. I think that applies here, as well. Christmas gifts, I think, are given because you love someone, body and soul. Regardless of their faults or failings.
On a side note, my son's doctor has often said that the time to learn consequences from an action is very soon after the action. I don't know that taking away gifts on the 25th for a transgression on the 2nd would help Honey learn anything.
Just my 2 cents.
Lisa
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Post by Honeysmom on Dec 1, 2003 17:14:05 GMT -5
Thank you all so much. Now I have some more good points to point out to DH. Since this all happened yesterday I think he is backing off. I think it was just his frusteration talking. I can understand that.
Dad2brooke, I LOVE the 2 cents!! Really cool.
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Post by kstquilter on Dec 1, 2003 22:42:08 GMT -5
hey honeysmom,
i have to agree with all the others. Kids need a punishment or consequence soon after the offense, especially one as young as yours.
I can't imagine having any 4 year old thinking they've been so bad that Santa didn't come. no child is that bad. it's their behavior that's not always very good.
25 days of good behavior is pretty tough for any of us especially our kids. not sure i can behave for 25 days!!
good luck.
karen
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Post by GSDMommy on Dec 2, 2003 7:57:54 GMT -5
Having an ADHD 4 yo myself, I can say one thing also: the kid isn't going to associate the lack of presents with his behavior...that's one of the things you have to teach with quick consequences: consequential thinking!! The lack of presents is going to be taken personally. He won't remember the threat or his actions.
As far as the rebound reaction on the meds, did you tell the doc about it? I had that problem when my 9 yo started meds at 4. They started him on Ritalin and he rebounded and was a holy terror!! Almost made me pull him off the meds entirely. I am trying something with my four year old now as well: a small diet modification. I am feeding him eggs and high protein in the morning instead of high carb cereal only. I am noticing he is doing better with that breakfast. I found this out by having oatmeal myself instead of my bowl of cereal. I do better with the oatmeal <has some protein>.
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lofo
Member
Posts: 47
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Post by lofo on Dec 3, 2003 10:16:08 GMT -5
Becky,
Oh my! Do you know how many toys would be left in the stores and how much money would be saved if we all followed your husband's advice?
I agree with the others. Christmas gifts are unconditional gifts no matter what the song "Santa Claus is coming to town" says. Does your husband refrain from buying you presents if he does not agree with your actions? 25 days of delayed punishment will not help today or tomorrow's behavior. The lack of gifts is not approriate.
Pray about this. Lift your prayers up to the Lord, try not to rag to your husband about his bad judgement. In any discussion with your husband, do not let your child hear you are on his side. You must work as a team in Honey's eyes as much as possible. If he sees a divided front he will favor one parent and disrespect the other.
If your husband makes a threat just positively remind your child how good he acted on such and such day and encourage him to try really hard to better. Your son will probably distance himself from his father with threats such as this.
Have you tried filling a jar with colorful marbles for each time he makes the right decisions or for good days with few mishaps. The size of the jar is porportionate to the child's age and a big reward is given when the jar is filled. My children work well with visual elements and love putting in a marble. This only works if your child does not put them in his mouth. If he does then put them in yourself while he watches.
Make immediate consequenses or reward for behavior. One cons. that really gets to my kids is going to bed an hour early.
I'm praying you will have a peaceful December full of gifts all the while you rejoice in God's gift of Christ.
Lori
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Post by Honeysmom on Dec 3, 2003 10:54:01 GMT -5
Well, DH has decided that is probably not the best course. I knew he wold come around when I had him read your replies!!! He is still saying "Remember Santa is always watching," But that is OK b/c Honey may not stop exactly what he is doing, but I can see he is trying and thinking about it. I think DH sometimes forgets how small the kids are. He is constanly trying to reason with DD2. His intentions are always good, sometimes he just carries them out wrong. Thank you all so much for your help. As far as me not getting any presents for not being good, I am not worried about that. It is my B-Day next monday I am waiting to see if DH remembers. This is the first year we do not live 5 minutes from his Mom so she can remind him. I think he will forget, so I am pretty sure I will get some great Christmas presents!!! ;D |
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Post by Dad2Brooke on Dec 4, 2003 10:52:39 GMT -5
See, we husbands can listen to the voice of reason sometimes. ;D
I hope he doesn't forget you birthday. ;D
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Post by Allanque on Dec 4, 2003 12:53:23 GMT -5
Y'never know...she may be hoping he does so she can get a better Christmas present!
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