An eyeopener and a note of thank´s

[finnmom]

Hello all
Yesterday I got home with very mixed feeling´s. At work I had to deal with a mom who had heard that her child propably has adhd. She was a mess! she was so deep in denial that I couldnt believe it. She told me that she didnt want to know anything, read anything, talk to anyone (met me because some other reasons) , nothing .

She got papers that she said she will not read, some information of a support organisation that she will not take advantige of. And the reason for all this was; she was afraid that if she would read, learn, get knowlidge, she would not be able to love her child anymore She said to me;"I know that if i read all those paper´s , there will be a great wall between me and my child " I tried to talk to her, tell how much easier thing´s seem´s after all the detail´s,I tried everything. But I doupt I was no help at all

Then I came home and thank god, because I didnt feel like that when we got the result´s. I was reliefed when I noticed that there was a reason for my son´s behaviour. That he was not just trying to make me angry, wasnt "retarded" or dumm as this mom told me It made something so much easier to understand and to cope with.

Then I thought about you guy´s Where would I be without you Propably in some mentalhealt institution ;D ;D ;D Certanly not in such a good position with this as I am now

It´s hard to face the fact that there might be something (wrong) in your child, but it really make´s it easier in a long run, because then you can do something for it there is something to fight for, some thing´s to do to make it easier to your child It´s hard work, but atleast I can do something ;D

Thank you all, this site is so important for me, now I realise it even better!
Marja

[StrugglingAgain]

It IS amazing when parents deny an official diagnosis! I've a neighbor who has an ADD child and refuses to admit it. It was hinted at school that the child had it, so the parents had the child tested, and sure enough! I suppose I was relieved when my child was dx, because it validated everything I was saying to friends and family...THEY didn't believe it till professionals said it was so! NOW they can all help me along with this child....it takes a village, ya know?

I feel sorry for the woman you talked to today. Perhaps with a little time, she'll come to grips with it and get the help these children need....and we know that WE can't do it all, but it might take her a little time to figure that out. It's nice you were trying because maybe some of what you said sunk in and she'll remember it down the road. Wouldn't it be a good idea if we had something like business cards that we could hand someone to let them know they could call us for support or email us or something? I know I would have liked that in the early stages of this!!!

[Linda]

marja,where would we be without you?

[AnneM]

Oh Marja .. this is very sad .... Sad for the Mum who is in such denial ... sad for her son who needs his Mum's love and support and sad for you to witness this ! ... You did ALL that you could to help her and her son .... if the Mum still refuses to read anything or learn anything then there is little else you can do ... It sounds like she is much more likely to reject her child without learning than she would be if she did learn!!

... and I have to second what Linda says ... Where would we be without you Marja ?! You make such a big positive impact on this site and on all of us!!

[mom2tj]

maybe she'll come around, we all deal with this in different ways.. maybe its like a 3 step program... 1st denial 2nd grieve and 3rd acceptance.

I was relieved to be able to help him to find resorces, I never was ashamed of it or thought any less of him. I was relieved that it wasnt anything worse and that help was available.

[Amsmom]

That woman makes me really angry! She sounds totally self-absorbed. I understand the denial phase, but she sounds like this was a huge bother to her. Didn't she see the behaviors/symptoms? She should only know that a dx is the first step to help. Denying the dx is not going to make it go away. Sorry to shout from my soapbox, but I really feel sorry for the child.

Marja,you are a treasure, and that woman doesn't know what she missed by not listening to you. It was very kind of you to try.

[swmom]

mom2-

I think there is something to that 1, 2,3 step thing. A friend of mine who is a special ed teacher at a dyslexic school said that most parents have to be told 3 times by 3 different professionals that their child has whatever...dyslexia, adhd, etc. before they can truly accept it. I can see that. It's mighty hard to accept that your child has a problem that will most likely be with them the rest of their lives.

[LitlBaa]

SWMom's post reminded of something...several years ago I heard an expert on ADHD say that there was a grieving process for parents of children with ADHD that was similar to that of parents of children with a terminal illness, and the main thing we were all grieving for that our children weren't likely to grow up and have a "normal" life.

When I think about the life I wanted for Katie when she was born...college, an interesting career, a happy marriage...now I'd be happy if she made it through high school and could manage to not irritate everyone around her.

[finnmom]

See, this is just what I ment You trough in something and what you get;instant reply´s, amazing suggestions, support... thank you all!

I have to clear something: I met her at work, she will be seeing me further on, so I have many more occasion´s to talk to her, and I will!

Amsmom; I think a little more positive about this woman, I hope I´ll be right I think that she is just so scared finding out that her long-waited, dearly loved son is somehow "not-perfect".
I think what Swmom and LitlBaa wrote about grieving explains this somehow. I agree it sounds little self-absorbed, but mayby it´s just all those hope´s and exeptasion´s you load to this little guy and then seem´s like everything has gone That´s not the bisnes, but this mom doesn´t know it yet.

Mom2TJ; I think you are quite right in there, some of us just go through this denial and grieving in so much shorter time than other´s. I think this goes with every big crisis we, human´s have. Unfortunately, it seems hard for some to get trough first 2 step´s .

Anne, Linda: Thank you for kind word´s (I doupt it sometime´s ;D)
Struggling again;Thank you for repply, that bisnescard i´dea made me giggle, not a bad thought ... Worht of thinking...

Marja

[Amsmom]

Ok, marja, I will try to calm down and not be such a witch. The way I read it was that her reaction was worse than denial. The woman is really lucky to have you in her life.

[finnmom]

Amsmom said:

Ok, marja, I will try to calm down and not be such a witch.

Did you already put down your pointy-hat and broom ;D ;D ;D

Well, I hope the best in this case, for child´s sake.
Marja

[kellys4babies]

This is such a sad situation because the child wil be the one to suffer if he/she deos not get the help needed to deal with the ADD/ADHD. Hopefully your influence will rub off and help her make a good decision for her family.

Kelly

[jdmom]

???I think that is so sad. Whatever happened to loving your child no matter what? I understand that the woman is emotionally overloaded, but goodness. My reaction was more along the lines of "Okay, now we know what's wrong...so how do we deal with it?" I realize that not all people react the same, but to think you may love your child any less...it's a sad thing. I hope you can help this woman to find her inner strength and be more accepting. She is lucky to have you.

[finnmom]

Kelly and JDmom
Thank you, although, more I think about it the more depressed I get. I think there is so much more neede than just my help. I have to get some counselling for this mom.

JDmom, I agree with you, I felt more like reliefed when we got to know ;D It was so much easier to love my son when I realized he wasnt bad at purpose (atleast not all the time ;D)
Marja