UGH! Here we go.......

[callincolyn]

I'm in Illinois, District 65. The district is looking at a 2 million deficit and is cutting foreign language, school social workers, drama for 4th and 5th graders, and 70 personnel in general. I've been in contact with the same school social worker over the past 2 years and nearly paniced when she didn't follow standard duty-to-warn procedures when my son mentioned in a group that he had been thinking of suicide a lot. She assumed he was goofing around! I hope she gets the ax. The school psychologist is a very nice person but has been very slow to react about this and is very resistant to testing him because "he's such a solid student"! He's bright and tends to do well on most standardized tests, but his trouble is focus and school assignments and his grades reflect that, so I don't get what she meant. She finally sent me an ADDES survey to fill out on his behavior at home and my sense of what happens with his school work. His raw scores came out high on inattentive and low on hyperactive-impulsive. He's easily distracted and gave me a terrific metaphor for his take on his trouble; he said he feels that even if he were put in a white room with a white table and chair and no noise to do school work, after a couple of minutes his mind would start to travel to other things he worries about and other assignments. I suspect it most often travels to video games and sports, but he told me what he thought I wanted to hear. He's a fabulous boy and has always been very liked by adults because he talks to us just like anyone else and isn't afraid to ask questions and show interest. He's very funny but seems to rely on his ability or inability to make others laugh for his self-esteem. He doesn't usually resort to physical or slap-stick comedy, but feels that if he can't get someone to laugh they either are mad at him or don't like him. He needs directions frequently repeated, he's terribly disorganized, he doesn't remain on task, he forgets things, he tends to switch from one activity or assignment to another without finishing the first one (a distinct trait in his father), he doesn't do chores or attend to responsibilities independently of my repeated directions, he's very easily frustrated, he does well in math because it's the easiest subject for him (that will change as he's more challenged) and doesn't require much thought, he rushes through stuff and is sloppy, and the list goes on. I had banned video games, with the exception of a gameboy for the long car rides to his father's, until this past Christmas when I found out that his friends weren't coming over because there was "nothing to do" without a Playstation and I don't want him to feel like no one likes him. ALL of his friends over the past several years have been girls; he's often the only boy at their birthday parties and they all seem to really enjoy him. The boys, on the other hand, seem to reject him outside of activities in school. It's a rare occassion when a boy will skateboard with him or play basketball with him or go to the YMCA with him. He lives with me 75% of the time so he has an overload of female influence; perhaps it will do him good when he's older and trying to understand women. He's already lean and I worry about meds making him lose what appetite he has. I also worry that my funny active boy will disappear if he's slowed down with meds. I also worry that this issue has gone unrecognized for years and both of us have struggled so hard and why didn't I start putting these pieces together long ago? I don't know exactly what the source of the negligence has been at school; it could be lack of funds or lack of personnel, and it could be lack of interest. I don't know and I'm sure I never will know, but I know my take on the situation. Alex's father's wife has two little ones of her own (under 2 and a half) and, although she seems to care, I will never trust them to pay attention to his health. I've lost track of how many times they've sent him home sick. They even decided not to give him his antibiotics when he had a nasty case of chickenpox because they didn't feel he needed them. And Alex does behave very differently with them, usually more under-control and a little bit responsible. There are worries and fears he has that they know nothing about, I suspect because he doesn't want to risk rejection by his father. We've got a ridiculous court-ordered visitation schedule of back and forth 200 miles every other weekend for the past 8 years. When I tried to get that changed in court, he countered with a filing for a change of custody. This year they've eased up a bit and not made him travel when he doesn't feel well or has a load of homework, which I'm sure is also influenced by their little boys and the attention they require. I could write a book but I don't think people would accept it as non-fiction unless they really know his dad. I'm writing a book right now, so I'd better ease up.

Thanks for caring!

[lllex]

Hello Callincolyn,

Sounds like our sons have the same profile. Mines a bit younger than yours - he's 8. My Max was also high in the inattentive and low on hyperactive, he loses stuff (coats, boots, homework, you name it), can't focus and do his homework, then when he finally does it, it sloppy with careless mistakes, doesn't do his chores without constant reminders. Sound familiar? It can be very frustrating! Good thing for him he's such a sweet boy . We're going the alternative treatment route right now, so far we've seen some progress, but not enough yet.

I'd demand that the school social worker get fired . Suicide is not something to take casually!

A 200 mile drive everyother weekend! That's a bummer. Does that mean you have to drive 200 miles to drop him off and then drive another 200 miles home?

I think with most of the meds that they give for ADD, they work right away. By this I mean you don't have to wait for the medicine to build up in their body before it has an affect (unlike vitamins). Although you have to figure out the right dose and the right medicine (one that doesn't have too many negative side affects), I hear this can be very difficult. But perhaps you can start the medicine this year yet, work out all the kinks for dosing, etc. Then have him off it for the summer. When you get him back, start him back on the medicine. I think a lot of kids are off their ADD medicine in the summer. That's a question you might want to ask in the treatment section of the board.

Take care,

Laura

[Eye]

Callincolyn, Wow, You really have alot going on right now!!!

I know it's hard to be patient, but I think your doing the right thing! Get him to a doctor as soon as possible!!!

They are the ones that can handle this situation. And you'll look back thinking, how did I ever do this by myself!

You are definately not alone, the reason I like this site is that almost all the situations here could be a day in my life.

Laura's right about taking him off the meds in the summer. Many parents do that, even on the weekends. I don't have that option. The days he doesn't take them bring us back to the begining, but every kid is different!

My suggestion... Try the meds out. From what I've seen they don't change my son's personality at all, they just calm him down enough to focus and think properly. He's very impulsive w/o them.

Also, when/if he starts them, ask him how they make him feel. He's old enough to tell the difference. And if he doesn't like them, then look for other options. There are some people that feel their kids should learn to deal with life w/o meds. For my son, that's just not possible right now.

I also learn ALOT by talking to other ADULTS with ADD/ADHD. It's amazing how aware they are about it.

Good luck hun! And don't give up!!! You're doing an AWESOME JOB!!!! ;D

[Allanque]

callincolyn said:

The school psychologist is a very nice person but has been very slow to react about this and is very resistant to testing him because "he's such a solid student"! He's bright and tends to do well on most standardized tests, but his trouble is focus and school assignments and his grades reflect that, so I don't get what she meant.

We should send her copies of my diagnosis, grades in school, and scores on standardized tests. Hah.

[callincolyn]

Laura, why have you chosen to stear away from meds? I suspect they're not the answer for everyone. I spoke to one of my doctors last night who agreed that my son certainly fits the bill of inattentive ADD and she believes that Strattera would be helpful, but to start on half of the lowest dose possible by opening the capsules and putting half on some bread or in yogurt. I don't think I can get the social worker fired; I advised the school psychologist and the person in administration who directs the school social work program. I don't know what they said to her, if anything, and I'm really hoping she gets cut along with the 69 other personnel so I don't have to deal with her anymore. Her negligence is inexcusable! The district is really in a hole and the LD, social work, and student support services in general seem like they're disappearing. If Alex gets diagnosed, I don't know who's going to be left to help him at school. Yeah the 200 miles is from here to Green Bay; we drive up to the court-determined "drop off point" in Port Washington, which is 115 miles from here and takes between 2 and 2 and a half hours on Friday evenings. Then Alex gets in his dad's truck and continues for another 85 miles, which takes no more than an hour and a half. Meanwhile, I turn around and drive back home another 115 miles, so I total about 230 miles in one evening, then I do the whole thing over the following Sunday to bring Alex home. Believe me, it's been a living nightmare for 8 years and it's absolutely unfair AND there's nothing I can do about it. I took his dad back to court in 1999 to reduce Alex's visitation schedule because he was no longer a 4 year old and it didn't make sense anymore. Alex's father countered with a filing for a change of custody, so he smoke-screened the real and reasonable issues which led to a decision of no change. I'll try to navigate the site to find the treatment section of the board today; I've been having some trouble getting around, which may be because I'm on Internet Explorer Macintosh version. Thanks for your suggestions!

Eye, I don't think I have much more going on than you do, dealing with your child's school and trying to find some assistance and cooperation. You seem to be in the midst of this too. Have you found support with your family and local friends? I have to say my patience is short in part because this has been going on undetected for several years and I feel terrible that Alex has had to struggle for so long while no one understands and everyone has been hard on him, including me. I can't help but feel terribly guilty, on top of the single-working-mother guilt I've already got, and I'm searching for ways to deal with that too. I'm very relieved that you said that your son's personality isn't changed by the meds! And you're right, I'm going to rely on Alex for him to tell me how they make him feel, provided he's given this diagnosis and meds are prescribed. He has been pretty good about describing his focus problem. I have recommendations from two people for two doctors and I've called them both seeking appointments. They're both highly regarded, but one is a female and one is a male - I'm leaning toward the male, who has ADHD himself, so Alex can have a relationship with someone whom he can identify with. I hope he calls me back today for an appointment. My doc also recommended the book "How to Reach and Teach ADD/ADHD Children" by Sandra F. Rief and I'm going to go to the bookstore on my lunch hour and pick that up. I sure could use some relief from the panic state I've been in for 8 months! It's really taking a toll on my health. But I think getting this ball rolling will eventually lead to some alleviation, although I'm going to have to learn a whole new set of skills to help my son. That's better than being clueless and paniced, though. I emailed his summer camp counselor from last year who let me know that he's got ADHD and has figured out how to make it an advantage; I hope to hear from him soon. While I was at the camp working for two weeks, I had lots of contact with him and he is truly a great guy and I would trust any advice he can offer. I feel better just having heard from you and Laura! ;D

[lllex]

Hi again Callincolyn,

Hey, you drive past us on your way to dropping your son off, we live in Sheboygan. Small world isn't it. You know if you every consider moving, Sheboygan has been a great place to raise kids, most of the schools are great, and you'd only be an hour from Green Bay.

As to steering away from meds, I guess I wouldn't put it that way, I'd say we're saving it for a last option. The meds that they tread ADD with are some very serious stuff! The side affects, the lack of information on long term affects are a little scary for me. If I start him on meds now, chances are he'll be on them for at least 11 years! I also love Max just the way he is, I love his humor and his creativity and sensitivity, I worry that the medicine will take some of that away . Also I'm a natural type of gal, I believe in food as medicine and eating organic foods to avoid pesticides and help the earth, and taking vitamins to keep healthy, so the natural route suites us. Yes we're tree huggers ;D

I know understand about feeling guilty about being hard on your son before you know he had ADD. My DH and I felt the same way . Try not to worry about it too much, it's in the past and can't be changed. Now you know and you can do better for him. We found that just knowing that he had ADD helped us. Before we were so frustrated with his behavior, we just couldn't understand! Now we understand, and that gives us some extra patience.

Wow, a doctor with ADHD and a camp counseler with ADHD! I think that will be incredibly beneficial for your son! So many times ADHD kids have low self esteem and think they have no future, having those 2 successful ADHD people in his life will give him hope for his future! I really like that the camp counselor had found a way to turn ADHD into an advantage, keep us posted on how he did that and how he works with your son.

Good luck,

Laura

[callincolyn]

Hi Laura! After I married, we moved from the north shore of Chicago to Green Bay and thereabouts. Our first home was in Casco, on the border of Luxemburg. We had a strange sprawling house and a lovely 40 acres of woods. After five years we moved back into GB to Belleview. After a couple of years there, my former spouse hooked up with a coworker's wife (also a coworker) and the marriage slowly fell apart until I figured out what was going on. I lived up there for a total of 8 years and have gone past and even into Sheboygan hundreds of times. It seems like a very nice community. One thing I learned was that my place is back here where I grew up and my roots are. The judge allowed me to move home with my son when I was left with nothing. What do you think of the schools up there? Have they been responsive and accommodating with Max? What kind of procedure did you have to go through? I'm afraid of not following protocol and messing up Alex's chance of getting assistance in school. I've heard that schools won't make any accomodations unless the symptoms cause a significant detriment to the child's education. Alex does fairly well on some things and yesterday brought home a math quiz with an A- and two good grades on language arts quizzes. It could be that my take on his behavior at home and with homework may be totally different than his teachers'. I spoke to the school psychologist who has now gotten the ADDES assessment back from each of his teachers, but she won't have time to go over them until the end of the week, so I'm meeting with her on Monday.

In your exploration of The Natural Route, have you come across info. on Omega 3? My doc advised it for both my son and I, so I've ordered some.

The doc w/ ADHD won't have an opening until June, so I'll have to find another specialist. I still haven't heard back from Alex's summer camp counselor. His high energy level is a real advantage working with campers; he didn't tire as easily as most other counselors and had a leg-up on understanding the ADHD campers. He's also way fun! ;D He's getting a degree in elementary ed. from Indiana. I suspect he'll do well and his students will be quite responsive to the energy he'll bring to the classroom. Much the opposite of Alex's Spanish teacher! I've thought about emailing her and asking if she'd reconsider accepting Alex's late work if he's diagnosed, in that way accomodating his need for additional time to do homework. Then again, if our district axes all foreign language, she won't be back. She's giving him an F this quarter and if there's no more Spanish, what do I tell him? Nevermind, it doesn't matter?

BTW, can you clue me in to some of the acronyms? DH? DS? DX (diagnosis)? Thanks Laura!

[lllex]

Hi Callincolyn,

Yes it's always nice to live where you're roots are! Max's school has been wonderful, especially his teacher this year. Last year his teacher told me he had a lot of trouble focusing and paying attention, but she had no ideas at all as to what I could do to help him with that. This year was the first year that anyone suggested that Max might have ADD - I was floored! Anyway even without a diagnoses (DX), his teacher started making modifications in the classroom to help him. She put's him in the front of a row so she can discreetly bring him back from la la land, she gives him less problems in english (say 15 instead of 20), she photocopies pages from his math books so he can write the answer on it ( instead of having to copy the problem and then write the answer), she makes sure during major tests that his seat has the least distractions, she or a helper make sure his homework is written into the planner (most of the time), and that the books he needs for homework get into his backpack (most of the time), after the lecture part of the class when the kids are supposed to do the work she or a helper makes sure Max understands what he needs to do. There's more, but you get the idea - she's willing to do whatever will help without compromising his learning. I sure hope next years teacher is so accomodating! I haven't had to go through any procedures yet, I believe that if you can get a 504 plan, you can specify accomodations similar to what is being done for my son, then the teachers need to follow that. I don't think you'd be able to get an IEP, I believe that is for those that have learning disabilities and it doesn't sound like your son would qualify, but I've heard that the 504 plan can be helpful. Hopefully someone who knows more about it will chime in. ;D

Omega 3, yes we do omega 3 and evening primrose oil, and vitamin E, among others. If you're going to give him omega 3 make sure you give him vitamin E to go with it - fatty acids can go rancid and cause cell damage, the vitamin E will clean up those free radicals. If you look into the alternative section of the boards you'll get more information on how much you should give Alex. Ohmama is our resident expert on Omega 3 and vitamin E.

As far as the F in spanish, it happended before you knew why and where he had problems, before you understood how hard it is for him to get his work handed in. Now you know, now you can do things to make sure it doesn't happen again. In other words chalk it up to lesson learned - let's not do it again.

Acronyms: DH = dear husband, DS = dear son, DD = dear daughter, DC = dear children, DX = diagnosis, I think: SD = step daughter, SS = step son. You know I think we should have a key for this on this site. I know I saw one on a different site once - I'll ask one of the admins about this.

Nice talking with you again.

Laura

[lllex]

Found some more info on the acronyms, there's a thread in the how to section or here's a link

adhdsupport.proboards23.com/index.cgi?board=howto&action=display&thread=1069787023

Laura