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Post by babytay on Sept 30, 2004 15:37:04 GMT -5
I know we all talk about how hard it is for our children to fit in but I am real confused on this one.
My son is having a much easier time this year making a few friends at school. I think we have learned he will probably never have lots and lots of friends it just never happens. Well on the football team the kids treat him fair. He has some friends out there not as many as some but a few. Now my kid says hi to everyone and sometimes kids just ignor him. I have told him to wait for someone to speak to him but he keeps trying.
Last night was the football skating party. I was shocked none of the kids really talked to him even the ones who talk at practice. I watched him for about an hour and he was mostly by himself or trying to catch up with someone on the rink so he could have a friend to talk with. I felt kind of bad. I think he is old enough now to understand he cant make friends. The good part is he keeps trying it is just hard seeing the kids ignor him or try to leave him behind all the time. It brings tears to my eyes to talk about it. I have gotten to the point where I dont say much because it doesnt always help sometimes it makes it worse.
Can you believe I have told my son that maybe he should not try so hard some people just dont make lots of friends. I want to keep him from getting hurt so much. The kids in the neighborhood dont play because we are black and they are white and I dont think their parents allow it. I do find my child plays with children outside of our race alot better or either younger or alot older children.
Sorry it is so long but I feel real bad about this today and I had to tell someone about it.
Thanks
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Post by mom2tj on Sept 30, 2004 18:56:29 GMT -5
I sure know how you feel, it so hard to sit and watch. ds seems to stick out or something no matter where or what we try he just doesnt fit in.... I've come to terms with it but DH is having a harder time with it... he just doesnt get why ds doent like sports, he sees all the boys play street hockey and is always getting mad that Ds doesnt want to join in...  I do agree that if ds would like sports it would probably make it easier but he doent and we cant make him like them.... so he just plays alone  what make me so sad is to see him keep on trying especialy with some of the kids that used to play with him and now dont want to anymore.... ds doesnt get it he keep saying that there is friends but they havent played in over a year....but ds keeps trying keeps asking and they keep coming up with excusses no one is that bussy...... |
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Post by rosyred45 on Sept 30, 2004 19:01:44 GMT -5
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))Babytay, It is hard watching stuff like that, I hate it. Mikey talks to everyone that will listen. I don't mind it, I do it too. I have many people that I have met, but to be honest with you, I have more friends here than I can trust in my life. I don't earmark anymore friends. My best friend is standing next to me, he is great, he is my husband. When Mikey starts to get upset, that's when I get upset, so we do things for us. We don't worry about what others think or say. As long as we are doing something to make us happy, if someone joins us, the more the merrier, but I have learned personally to not depend on friendships as a cure for happiness. Just wondering, about the neighbors, do you know them? I see what you said about the colors barrier, but might it be that you all don't know each other? Where did you say you were again? Take care, and don't let it bother you too much. Some of the FRIENDS I thought I had, really weren't.  ((((((((hugs))))))))) |
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Post by finnmom on Oct 1, 2004 8:10:29 GMT -5
Babytay It´s so hard  I know what you´re saying. It is hard for me to see how my ds realize´s that some just have lot´s of friend´s and he doesnt Situation has aproved from last year alone, now he has friend´s at his glass, some whit whom he visit´s too. But it´s still really fragile situation. to hear him say "x said that if y continues to irritate him x will invite me to the b´day party instead of y" just freak´s me out Thuis is the best year in friend-front ever for him, so there is hope.... mayby when they get older  I hope at least... About your neighbour´s, are you sure about the color-boundarie´s? (dumm question, I know sorry)Have you lived there long time, do you know any of the parent´s? If that´s the case, it´ll be so hard to brake At least he has some sc. friend´s at the football team, someone he can be with and play with and have some good time, even though if they are not his "friend´s" but at least his teammate´s. Hang in there, this´ll get better some day. |
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Post by babytay on Oct 4, 2004 10:43:48 GMT -5
Thanks everyone.
Now I have tried to use some of the things you guys have. Like I tried to tell my son I am your friend and so is your brother and sister but I think that after a while my boy really justs wants a friend of his own. Now I have a friend that has a son my friends age and he plays with him great and he is white. They also live kind of far away. I am not trying to be racist or anything and color is not real important to me but sometimes I wonder why this is it is really starting to stick out in my mind over the years. The problem with this is the parents see the kids are fine it is the parents who are ignorant. Not all some neighbors are ok they just dont have kids. I am going to be real careful next time I move somewhere I wasnt really think about all of this when i bought this house.
Now as for my neighbors I have one across from me for example. The wont even make eye contact and all of my kids have said hello to them and they barely open there mouths. So my teenager wont even try anymore I dont think he really cares because he makes friends at school. Now the neighbors on my block with a son my kids age have a confederate flag hanging in the garage. When the dad plows snow he goes up and down the whole block as a favor to the neighbors and he goes in the street to avoid doing ours and continues down the other side of the street. Now dont get me wrong I could care less I really dont even want him on my property if he feels prejudice but his son was really nice to mine at first I think the dad got a real good look at me on day and figured I was black and said stop playing down there. The kid wont even speak anymore and I know that he was fine before. I have had one kid come over and play in the yard and we had a good time. I swear his parents found our number in the yellow pages and told me to send him home and didnt even say hello.
I am fine with it though I will continue to keep him in sports and hope one day he can experience a good friend.
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Post by rosyred45 on Oct 4, 2004 12:13:28 GMT -5
This is very hard, trying to say something with out offending any one, and of course no one wants to bring up racism. But if that is what is happening, try to keep the blinder on the kids eyes for as long as possible.
It's an ugly word. One to which I don't like. Everyone of us bleeds, feels, needs. Although unfortunately you don't seem to have the nice neighbors.
I know I haven't been in your shoes, but as long as you remind them to be cordial to everyone they come across, they will earn respect. I don't see color persay, heck for that matter I don't see a wheel chair or an arm missing either.
Teach your kids to look at the soul of a person. Teach them to hold their head high because God made them who they are. It doesn't matter what you look like, beauty is only skin deep.
I have seen the roughest of gems through the eyes of a homeless man. He didn't even want to look at me out of shame. I almost cried, tearing up thinking about it. He asked me for a dollar, and it took all he had to ask.
I hope there isn't any illwill toward your family because of color, I'll keep you in my prayers
Kaiti
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Post by camismom on Oct 4, 2004 13:32:10 GMT -5
Oh Babytay, i'm so sorry to hear about all this! Man, call me naive, but I would have never imagined this happening where you are.... way down here in the south, yes (unfortunately), but not there!
I agree with everything Kaiti said, and echo it. Teach your son that if those people can't see past a color, then it's THEIR loss, not his! They are passing up the opportunity to befriend a genuinely good person.
As far as making a good friend, just keep him involved in activities outside of school and I'm willing to bet he'll eventually click with at least one person there. It's easier to make friends in these things because the fact that they already have this common interest in common is a start. Lastly help him to understand that having only one good friend is far better than having several fair-weather ones, and when he makes that one good one, do whatever you can to help them find time together.
I have driven 45 minutes to friends of Cami's houses before to get them and bring them back to our house to hang out.She doesn't have any friends in our neighborhood either.
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Post by babytay on Oct 4, 2004 15:40:10 GMT -5
It is so easy to talk to you guys. I havent been able to express this to anyone I know at home or work. Yes it is hard but I live in Lansing Illinois and it is a nice area for us as far as no crime and all. That is why I am there. Yes racism is ugly but I am near Chicago and I work downtown chicago. It is a lot of racism here. I can deal with it and I will try to keep my children safe. I do teach them to be careful because everyone is not as understanding as you guys. I wish we didnt have to worry about all of this stuff. |
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Post by Amsmom on Oct 4, 2004 18:46:18 GMT -5
oh babytay, that just crushes me too. why are some people so stupid? your neighbor sounds like a major jerk (I would like to say something worse, but i dont know if i will offend anyone). but he sure is a @#$%&!!!
it's so painful to see parents teach their children hate.
((((((babytay and ds)))))))))
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Post by finnmom on Nov 10, 2004 10:06:53 GMT -5
Babytay I´am so sorry about your experience of your neighbour´s ´. how stupid can people be I hate it when parent´s deliver their bad manner´s and thought´s to their children I think you have a good plan on keeping him on sport´s and other activitie´s and let him get his friend´s from there, it will happend someday  |
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 10, 2004 10:21:54 GMT -5
Babytay,
I cried when I read your first post - and it shames me to think that in this day and age, in this "free" country that we live in, you and many others experience discrimination every day. It is so true that it's not the kids, it's the parents. When Olivia was in preschool, her best friend was black - I had no problem - he was a sweet kid and Liv adored him. To my surprise, Olivia wasn't allowed over HIS house and his parents were very uncomfortable with him having a white best friend. Kind of "reverse" discrimination, but it hurt her and it hurt me too, so I can't imagine having to deal with that day in and day out. People can be so stupid!
I will be praying hard for you and your son - it breaks my heart to see kids just wanting a friend, and parents not able to help. Take care and hug your little boy for me - he's got a friend in NJ!
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 11, 2004 11:46:00 GMT -5
Make that 2 in NJ- 3 counting my daughter
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Post by franksmom on Nov 11, 2004 14:21:18 GMT -5
Oh maytay- I know how you feel. It hurts so much to watch them "not fit in"," play alone"... It has severly depressed my son( all the rejection).It seems to show up as anger. Now I know we have a long road ahead to repair all this. He always says things like...no body likes me- no body ever wants to play with me. Mommy I'm different. No matter how much I talk about how special he is , how different is good. It doesnt sink in. Now he is at the point where he really doesnt want to go places where there are lots of kids. It is too difficult and I'm sure hurts too much. It tears my heart out! |
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 12, 2004 11:31:36 GMT -5
Franksmom, I love your signature line, I wish I saw it first.  My kids aren't too bad when it comes to wanting to fit in. My husband and I have a wide array of friends, rich, poor, black, white, tall, fat, skinny, short. And half of them are related to us  :PSmall town, what do expect Anyhow, you can probably tell your boy til your blue in the face that being different is good, but he's still not going to listen. I had a boy at work yesterday-2nd grader. He and Mikey are best friends worst enemies, anyhow, he got extremely upset because no one would play with him. I explained to him that every one else was in the middle of a game already and that he could join one of their games. NOPE< he wanted to be in charge of the game ::)And since everyone was busy, he took it as rejection, no body likes me no one wants to be my friend.....so I told him I'd be his friend. And he says YEAH WELL< SO I GOT YOU FOR A FRIEND< YOUR NOT PLAYING ANYTHING THOUGH  I just had to turn around and grin just the way he was thinking of it. So he was my helper the rest of the morning in the gym. Instant gratification for him, I got someone to pick up the jump ropes. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) |
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 12, 2004 12:21:17 GMT -5
Kaiti - your kids at work are so lucky to have you!! You seem to know what they need, and you obviously care so much about them. We need more people like you around! ;D
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