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Post by Amsmom on Jun 16, 2004 20:25:49 GMT -5
Sorry, but this has to be very long to explain...
What I was afraid was going to happen, did. My ds8's first real neighborhood friend ("S") is no longer allowed to play with my son. S lives right across a very small street. My ds has a short fuse, more so when he is tired. He has screamed and yelled at S before and I have had to tell him to stop or they had to stop playing. They would usually work it out. They are the same age, but my ds is much bigger than S. Every time there would be a yelling incident and S would tell his mother, my ds and I always apologized and she seemed to understand. She always told me that it was normal for kids to argue and yell and not to worry about it.
This past weekend, my ds got especially worked up and started screaming at S, calling him an idiot and yelling at the top of his lungs (of course not acceptable). S's mom came to get him and was very cold to me. I again apologized, but got the sense that she had had enough of us. She told me the next day that S reported to her that my ds told S he was going to kill him. (I didn't hear it. He used to say things like that about 5 yrs ago, before meds) The mother said that to protect her son, S was not allowed to play with my ds anymore. I told her that I have tried very hard to work with my ds on his behavior, but I understood her decision. I had a talk with my ds about when you apologize so many times, instead of changing the behavior, sometimes people get tired of accepting the apologies. He took it really well.
Yesterday when only the grandmother was there, S came over to play with my ds. I told S his mom did not want him to come to our house. I later saw my ds and S playing outside together.
Today, when we got home, S was waving at my ds from his bedroom window. Later when my ds and I walked by, S's mother told S to go into the house while we were walking by. After we passed, she let him come out again. My ds noticed this and felt hurt. Come on, is it really necessary to tell the kid to go inside when my ds walks by? Although I can understand a mother wanting to keep her child safe, I think S's mother has overdone it. I am really hurt for my ds by her behavior. This is so hard because we are right across the way from them and my ds sees their actions. It is hard for me to see this clearly, I am too emotionally involved. I have been very worried about my ds losing friends because of his temper. I do everything I can. I don't know what else to do. I don't want him to be aggressive. This cuts me up inside.
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Post by aimee30 on Jun 16, 2004 21:37:01 GMT -5
This infuriates me!  "S's" mom took it a little too far. Why can't others understand that our kids have feelings too?  They always seem to hurt worse than the non ADHDer's too. I know how tough it can be, especially when they have a hard time getting friends to begin with. It brings me back to what has been said a hundred times before: it would be so nice if we all lived in our own little neighborhood. At least we know our kids would always have someone to play with. {{{{Amsmom and DS}}}} |
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Post by TexasMom on Jun 16, 2004 21:46:53 GMT -5
I think I can see S's mom's point of view. S has probably had his feelings hurt when your son called him names so many times in the past, and she's trying to protect him from that now. She's just not doing it in the right way and being hurtful to your son.
Maybe if you talk with her about ways to separate the boys without hurting your son, as she did in your example, things can improve. Maybe she'll even give him a second chance when she sees that you do want what's best for both boys.
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Post by Honeysmom on Jun 17, 2004 0:43:51 GMT -5
This really does stink. I can also see her point to an extent. If your ds really did say that he was going to kill him, that was wrong, but it probably just flew out of his mouth before he had a chance to think about what he said. I can see her being concerned about this, but I think she maybe went a little too far by sending him in the house when you walked by. As if ds was going to run up and attack S unprovoked with 2 moms right there.
Kids have a great ability to forgive and foget, but us adults sometimes hold a grudge longer. If the boys really do want to play together and have forgiven each other, I agree that you should talk to the mom. Don't get angry (as I am sure you wouldn't), just let her know that ds's feelings were hurt as her son's were. And while ds's threat may have been more severe, this is really going to far.
Maybe ask her if she would agree to let the boys play for a short time, like 30 mins to an hour, at her house to start. That way she can monitor what is going on and the time frame is not so long that they will drive each other nuts and fight. That puts her in control and may make her feel more comfortable.
As far as your feelings go, it takes two to tango. I am sure the other boy has done a thing or two that your ds didn't like. Just keep in mind that your ds is probably not the only one in the situation who could have done something different. Just give the neighbor lady some time she may see she is overacting to some extent.
Becky
BTW, IMHO, she is way overacting, but I am trying to be objective. I suppose you can't be too careful with threats, but realistically do you feel he would ever follow through? Or does she for that matter? Just my opinion.
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Post by rosyred45 on Jun 17, 2004 6:20:28 GMT -5
I agree with the rest for the most part. She is trying to protect her son, but is going about it the wrong way. OK, what I would do: Ask to talk to her. Out in the middle of the road if need be, but the lines of communication need to be open. Ask her why she is so infuriated. Was that the straw that broke the camels back? I personally think she should explain to your ds why he isn't allowed to play with S. Only after you two talk though. The kids can be there too, they can learn how to slove problems with out harsh words. Let her know that's what you want. That's just what we've done, but hten again the family that lives a couple of doors down from us, we haven't talked to for a while, but that's what we did and it worked for us. Dad would come over and explain "x" and would talk to the kids. ALL OF THE KIDS TOGETHER. They would see us talk things out. It was always agreed that if things went in the wrong direction, everyone was forbidden to their own yards. They could wave to each other all they wanted, but they weren't going to play together if they couldn't play nicely. I hope to have helped some Kaiti  |
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Post by finnmom on Jun 17, 2004 6:52:51 GMT -5
((((((((((((((((Amsmom)))))))))))))))))))))))) I´am so sorry for you, this is so hard  I agree with other´s; she got scared of the "kill you"-thread but got carried away a little too much (a lot actually). This suck´s, there is her momma-bear instinct blocking away the realistic fiew... it´s hard to break that. I think you should talk to her, explain the situation a little, tell her that these phrase´s just flew out of ds´s mouth, nothing harmfull was ment Someone above "stoled´" my idea, ask her if she would let S play with your ds under your/both of you supervision, agree not letting them play alone/without supervison for a while until she get´s her nerve´s down a little.... Mayby this will work, along with heavily stressed talk´s to ds about apropriate behaviour and action´s of course. I hope you can get the communication open again, she overreacted (partly understandable) that´s for shure, but I think you have to take the first step. Good luck!!!! Marja |
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Post by Linda on Jun 17, 2004 7:45:36 GMT -5
I agree with the advice given here...know what though? I think if the adults stayed out of the way more,the kids will always find a way to "make up".
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Post by rosyred45 on Jun 17, 2004 7:50:34 GMT -5
Here here Linda, I was thinking the exact same thing...scary isn't it |
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Post by Linda on Jun 17, 2004 7:51:48 GMT -5
VERY!  |
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Post by camismom on Jun 17, 2004 8:34:56 GMT -5
This is so hard because when we all read this, we all know that what your son said was a typical example of the impulsive, act before you think of the consequences, behavior that goes along with ADHD. We know that because we live with it, but sadly your neighbor doesn't. It's sad and infuriating because we have to try to explain our children's behaviir sometimes and hope others will understand and forgive. I hate that our kids suffer for actions they can't help.
I agree with all other posts, but feel that you need to try to educate this woman on why your son acts this way and help her (or try to) understand that he really doesn't mean anything by it. If this doesn't help, then chalk it up to her ignorance and desire to protect her child too.
Prayers and hugs.....
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Post by AnneM on Jun 17, 2004 17:00:28 GMT -5
{{{Amsmom and DS}}} ... This is rotton and so unfair!! ... I agree too with the other's advice here ... this lady has got way carried away ... Oh I wish i had something construcitive to say but I do agree that so often it is much better for the parents to "let the kids work it out for themselves" ... which they alwyas seem to do - if alowed to !! Seems like your neighbour however just isn't allowing this to happen ... |
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Post by rosyred45 on Jun 18, 2004 7:20:01 GMT -5
It makes me think of the school policies of zero tolerance. I have told kids that if the wrong person heard them saying something, and jumped to conclusions, they would be suspended or expelled. Of course they tell me that they meant it "this way" and I know that, but I tell them that if someone else didn't understand they would take it "that way" and a bunch of attention would be brought to something taken the wrong way.
Oh I don'tknow
Ain't it a pain
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Post by Linda on Jun 18, 2004 8:34:55 GMT -5
zero tolerance also means....no touching...where do you draw the line? kids have to ask if they can play tag...I hate that...used to take me 5 minutes of there recess explaining what they can and can not do!!!It is hard especially if you don't agree with policy.
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Post by songwriter on Jun 18, 2004 12:54:32 GMT -5
I bet that after awhile the other mother will 'chill' . And many times strong relationships develope following times of 'intense fellowship'. Give it time- Things will heal-Don't try to make it happen. You might just need to back off for a time.
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Post by Amsmom on Jun 18, 2004 20:34:44 GMT -5
Thank you all. You always come through for me. S keeps coming over wanting to play with my ds when his parents are not home and his grandmother is watching him. I spoke with the grandmother yesterday and she said that she loves my ds and understands that "children do these things." She said that she feels fine with S playing with my ds, but her daughter doesn't. She told me it was fine for them to play together when she was in charge. As much as I want my ds to be able to play with S, I feel weird about going behind the mother's back and about the double messages it sends my ds. They played for a few minutes last night and then I started to walk S home. We walked outside and S's parents were out there and not at all happy that S was in our yard. The father looked really angry. The grandmother had not expected them home so early and looked a bit surprised. I wrote the mother a letter today to say I was sorry, but that her son comes over daily and waits outside until my ds comes out. I also asked if she would consider letting them play together if I don't let them out of my sight. I haven't given it to her yet. I am a little intimidated by the father. I think I will not do anything yet.
Thank you so much for all your support. You guys are soooo great!!!
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