Slumber party nightmare!

[aimee30]

Last night my DD 6 yo asked to have a slumber party. We have two little girls who only live two doors down. They are both around 9 yo maybe a little older. One of the families I know very well. I keep in fairly close contact with the mother at least. The other family has only lived in the neighborhood for about 6 months. I have never met the mother and only know what the young girl has told me. She has left her with me on several occasions and said she would be back within a half hour. Most of the time she is gone for at least one hour sometimes longer so I put a stop to that. She has told me that she, along with her two sisters (one about 16 yo who I've seen drinking beer and the other about 2 yo) have all been in foster homes. I think they just recently came home. I don't allow my daughter to go to her house. Not because of the foster home, but I don't know the parents.

Anyway, last night my daughter asked if they could spend the night. She has only had one other sleepover with a friend of mine's daughters. I didn't see any harm in letting the two girls spend the night. They were getting a little rowdy and I told them they had to go to bed around 10. A little after 9 my DD came in and told me they were all going to bed and they were going to turn both the hall and bathroom light off. I thought this was just a little too weird. My DD never WANTS to go to bed and she definately doesn't sleep without the light in the bathroom on. So I called her in to question her. At first she said nothing was going on. I kept asking her and she started to grin and cover her mouth up. I knew then that there was something going on.

Finally she came and whispered in my ear that they were going to play sex!?!?!?!? I just about fell over. After talking to my daughter I found out that the second girl had brought it up and said that if my DD didn't want to she was going to make her. Again I say I about flipped out. I then called the other girl (whose family I know) and questioned her. I told both of them that if anyone ever touched them they were to tell someone immediately.

I ended up separating the girls and sleeping in the living room with them. I couldn't send the one girl home cause the mother was gone. I started questioning myself, thinking I may have over reacted. Did I? Did I not do enough?

I slept on it for the night. Didn't sleep much though. I was just so afraid of over reacting. After the girls left I decided I should at least talk to the one mother that I know. I called her and asked her to come by after she got off work this afternoon. Before she got her I had a little talk with my DD. Come to find out more happened than what I knew about last night. She told me that the one girl had touched both of them and tried to get them to touch her. She had done several other inappropriate things to both my DD and the other little girl. I don't know how much detail I should go into here, but it was way more than what my DD even knows about. I mean, I don't even allow her to watch a movie that is PG 13. Sometimes not even PG. I know she didn't learn any of that here. My DH and I don't even kiss in front of the kids unless it's a small peck on the lips. Bottom line I believe every word of what she said.

The mother came this afternoon and we discussed it. We both decided that there would be no more sleepovers with the one girl. As to playing together, we aren't sure. Right now I say no. If I do allow the other girl to play here, they will be in the living room right in front of me. We are trying to decide what step to take from here. Should we go to the other girl's mother? In some ways I wonder if it would do any good. I wonder if she would even believe any of what we said. We have no proof. Just what the girls have told us. What should we do from here? My husband says we should call CPS, but I'm not so sure that is the best route to take. I just don't know what to do.

I am waiting for the one mother to discuss it with her DD and DH before we decide what to do. I also wanted to check in here and see what kind of advice I could get.

Did I over react? Did I not do enough? What should I have done? It's times like these that I begin to question my parenting skills. NO MORE SLEEPOVERS FOR SURE!! Any suggestions? Please help!

[ohmama]

I agree with your husband. I think you should call CPS if you don't get a good response from the parents of the instigator. That is to say you should talk to the parents first (or are they foster parents?).

Once this behavior is "learned" it will not be forgotten. I don't think this is innocent childs play. It is serious, your daughter may even need counseling. At the very least your husband and you should sit down with your daughter and calmly explain this behavior is not acceptable and children who act this way have serious problems.

[DanielsMom]

:oI think that you should definatly call and report it. There is something not right there and you can't take a chance with your child.

[RiahBubbaPooh]

I would report it. You caught it, because you knew something was going on, and your dd was honest with you. How many children will this child effect in other homes? She seriously needs help.

I would talk to the mother of the girl (as difficult as that would be) and I would also call CPS and give them the scenario, and ask how they think you should handle it.

I think you handled it correctly. Bringing them out with you where you could supervise was very wise.

The girl has problems, but it seems like the biggest problem is that she was allowed to learn that stuff somewhere. She is a victim, acting on what seems to her like common knowledge. She needs to be 'deprogramed' for lack of a better term. She really needs a responsible adult (like CPS) to step in.

Understand that I don't say that lightly. I had CPS involved in my life as a child (from false accusations against my father) and they handled it horribly. But they are there for a reason.

So sorry you had to go through this.

[swmom]

If this were me, I would not allow my daughter to play with that girl again. No, no, no, you're not overreacting. I would have been horrified. Unfortunately, this is second time I've heard of such a thing happening at a sleepover. And these are really young girls - 8 and 9.

I have a 9-year-old girl and she doesn't know half of what that kid did. She's obviously learned it somewhere and just the fact that she's had access to that - either through tv or the real thing - is really, really inappropriate for that age, in my opinion.

[Amsmom]

Dear Aimee,
You did not over-react. You did not do anything wrong. You did everything right. Thank goodness your dd told you what was going on. The other girl most likely has been sexually abused herself, that may have been why she was put into foster care. Three years ago, my ds7 reported to me that his 10 yo female cousin (on his father's side) molested him. I learned that this girl knew way more about sex than a 10 yo should know. I feel that she was a perpetrator/victim. I called the child abuse hotline and, unfortunately, it was not handled well. The idiot detective told me it was "child on child" and there was nothing inappropriate about that. The local child abuse advocacy program agreed that it was inappropriate, and that the detective was wrong. The sheriff's dept questioned the mother of the other child, the child and my ds. I never found out what happened after that. It was not done well at all, but I don't say that to discourage you. Unfortunately, my state is known for its shabby work in child abuse cases. I agree with the others and your dh who say you should report it, in spite of my experience. You can do it anonymously if you prefer. It may be the only way that little girl will ever get any help. I'm glad you have the other mother,who you know, on your team. Best of luck to you Aimee. DON'T question your parenting skills, you are an EXCELLENT mom. I have read your caring, loving posts and we all can see what a FANTASTIC mom you are.
Hugs to you and your sweet dd.

[dansmommy]

Call CPS. Isn't this girl nine and your daughter six? If there were no age difference they probably wouldn't do anything but with three years' age difference it's iffy -- I can't remember if it's prosecutable with two or four years' age difference. Even if it isn't prosecutable, obviously this girl needs therapy before she does something with a five year-old whose mother isn't as alert as you were and she ends up in big trouble -- besides what's this kid going to grow up to be? She needs a strong message that it isn't okay and she may not know this if she's been abused herself. Take care of yourself and let the professionals do their job (but don't be surprised if CPS turns it over to the police). Christie

[catatonic]

Aimee -
I'm impressed with how well you handled that situation. I don't think you over-reacted and I don't think you under-reacted and I hope I'd do as well in similar circumstances. On CPS, I don't really have 2 cents worth to kick in on that one. On the one hand, you certainly do not want anyone, under any circumstances, being permitted to victimize your child or anyone else's child, even if that person is another child. On the other hand, CPS is quite a drastic option and they simply don't have the resources to handle such situations in a manner that puts human considerations first. I could tell you some horror stories... You may want to put that on hold until you have a chance to scope out mom. Like I said, I can see both sides of it. One thing for sure, if the girls play together, don't let them out of your sight!

[AnneM]

Oh poor you!! This is a horrible, rotton thing to be going on .... I know nothing about CPS (being in the UK) BUT if they are anything like our Social Services (which I think they are) then I do lean towards Catatonic's opinion .... in that these organisations will often "over-react" and will not as Catatonic says put "human considerations first" .... Whether CPS are involved or not I also agree that this girl must NEVER be allowed in a situation alone with your daughter or the other daughter again ... I also shudder to think what this girl has "seen/been the victim of" to have learned these things by that age ...

Please keep us up-to-date with your way forward ... and good luck in whatever route you decide to follow...

Anne

[mom2tj]

I dont know how I would have reacted I think I would have freaked but once calmed, I think you should confront the mother give her at least the respect of telling her what when on I dont know if I would report it but I would at least talk to the mom and tell her why her daughter can not play with mine anymore. maybe she will get help for her daughter.

keep us posted I've thought of this at least 20x since yesterday

[Mishamom]

I agree that you did a very good job handling the situation that night. You followed your instinct until you got to what was going on and then reacted in a way that provided very good supervision for the duration of the visit.

I also like that you talked to the one mother already. She needs to know what her child was exposed to so that she can also be cautiously aware for her and be able to talk to her about what happened and could happen.

I think you should do both...report the incident to CPS and talk to the girls mother/guardian. You may get some sort of explanation (though is doesn't excuse it), you might could encourage follow-up treatment for the girl if she is an abuse victim and she might say something that could be useful to CPS. When you report to the CPS you remain anonymously so long as you desire it. They are required to protect your identity.

CPS needs to know this. There is either abuse going on now that needs to be stopped or there has been past abuse that may need to be prosecuted or if its known this could make it clear that the girl still needs help. It seems that her current family situation isn't going to provide it on their own.

What a great job of keeping your head about you in such a situation though!!!

[aimee30]

Just wanted to update you on what has gone on. Not really much. The one mother did get back in touch with me. She found out more stuff had went on between her DD and the other little girl. She had allowed her DD to spend the night on two separate occasions before the sleep over here. I feel so sorry for the all three of these little girls. We (the other mother and I) are placing anonymous calls to CPS in the morning.

I have worried so much about all this. I just hope I am doing the right thing. I have also decided that I will not allow the one little girl to play here again. I don't know what else to do. Thank each and everyone of you who gave me your opinion. I really needed the kind words you gave me. Thank you all again. I will keep you posted if there is anything new with this. Just pray that the little girl gets the help she needs.

[Honeysmom]

Amiee, I think you did the right thing. If the little girl was in forster care there was a reason. Maybe this is the reason, maybe she was abused in foster care, there is a big list of possibilites here. In any case she knows stuff that she is too young for. Don't feel like you are doing a "bad" thing by reporting it. You may actually be helping the other little girl. IMHO, from the other things you posted about the family a visit from CPS would probably help on all fronts. In the long run you are helping the little girl out.

[Dad2Brooke]

I also agree with the CPS. But...

My daughter is 7 and she has been accused of this type of thing. No parents saw anything, so no one really knows what happened.

I definately feel sorry for all involved, just like I do about those involved in my daughter's incident.

I guess my only trepidation is this, the little girl needs help, and you certainly have the right to protect your child and you cannot be blamed for wanting to keep your daughter safe from her, but from experience, it sure is tough for the little girl when no one will play with her.

Now, because of what my daughter might have done, she has almost no playmates in the cul-de-sac, because parents are (rightfully) unwilling to take a chance.

When she does play with the few children she is allowed to play with I watch her. She is never out of my sight, never behind a closed door with another child. I hate that it has to be this way. But I have to protect her and the other children.

And I don't even know if anything really happened, Brooke swears nothing did.

It is just a horrible situation for all involved.

I am not trying to offend, just letting everyone know what is like on the flip side.

[aimee30]

D2B,

I'm sure it a tough situation either way. I'm just so torn on whether or not to let them play together. Like I said before, I know that she has been in a foster home. I am worried about her too. Not just my DD or the other little girl involved. I was sexually abused as a child and I am very fearful that this may be going on now with the little girl. It may not, but there are definately some signs there. She may have been in the foster home for sexual abuse and not gotten the help she needs. I don't know the mother, but I don't think she would keep as close an eye on them playing as she should.

I would like your opinion too on something since you are on the flip side. Given what I have said about the mother do you think I should at least try to talk to her? I still haven't yet. Have been debating on it. I feel in ways that I should, but I have a gut feeling that it wouldn't accomplish anything.

I did try to call CPS today but couldn't find the number in the book. I finally called my aunt who works for the child care counsel and got it from her. By the time I did all that the kids were back home from school so I didn't have a chance to call. Will try again tomorrow.

Thanks again, and D2B let me know what you think about talking to the other mother.