Feeling really down today...

[camismom]

My emotions are really raw this morning and I am just really down. I so badly want to run away...to quit being Cami's mom, Andy's wife, the school district's employee, etc., etc.

I had a rough night last night...let's just say the DramaQueen and her infamous friend struck again and I got my first call from the school this year...from the counselor she had as a 6th grader that I do not like already because she never did anything about the bullying problems that started in that grade. Then without going into all the details, when questioning Cami about some things I am told by her that "all I ever do is make her feel bad about herself, put her down, and make her feel like she can't do anything right." I guess I must be going blind because I don't see that. I mean yes, we do have our bad times like any parent and child, but the majority of the time I think I am doing good for her. If anything I feel the same way about her. I feel like all I do is never enough and she makes me feel like I have to be careful with everything I do and anything I say. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her.

Then there is Andy...another story that again I don't feel like getting into other than just saying I am suspicious of what he is doing every day. I don't think he is cheating mind you but he is gone way more than I think he needs to be sometimes. He gets up sometimes at 3:30 am and doesn't get home until 4:00 pm. What is he doing for 12 hours? I know how long it takes him to post boards and the hours he is gone don't add up sometimes. I find myself doubting him and I get aggravated with it all. Plus, this 3:30 am alarm wakes me and I can't go back to sleep so I walk around exhausted because unlike him I can't come home and nap after work. He also aggravates me with money issues and treating me like my dad instead of husband...always lecturing on money and such. Knowing I needed to talk to someone last night, knowing I did just that for over an hour on my cell while Cami was at swim practice and I was out walking, all he could say was, "well, you need to make sure you cut back on the minutes the rest of the month." More worried that I may have raised the dan cell phone bill than me and what was going on.

I am just tired and literally want to quit. I don't know how
long I can keep up the facade. But there are no answers...there is nothing I can do. All the depression medicine in the world isn't going to change the things that happen that I am tired of dealing with. There is no time for me and when I make it I feel guilty. I am not being a good wife anymore and I am ignoring my family. It would be so much easier if I was alone and didn't have anything but me to worry about. Then I wouldn't have to worry about screwing up and causing harm. I just don't want to play anymore. at least not today....

[Linda]

Yikes woman!!! First of all....you knew in your gut it wouldn't be smooth sailing with Cami...it never is with our kids!!!cami is also manipulating your emotions...something else our kids are good at!!Please keep that in mind Christy or you will go bonkers. The love you and cami have for each other will carry you through.

As for Andy....talk talk talk!!! You have to get things out in the open.

Don't quit or give up....we are here for you

[finnmom]

Christy

What a day you had

First: Cami is a teenager and her "you dont support me.." talk´s are ment to irritate you and get you feel quilty, when you´re just the right mom she need´s. It´s tenage rebell´s that she´s going through, I wouldn´t give many thought´s for thet, she had a bad day and wanted to hurt you too... you´re her mom, so she hurt´s you

I know, as well the restof us, that you are a great mom!!

As for Andy; talk about it, ask about the hour´s, tell him how you feel.... open communication is the key for everything. I know week´s can go by without any proper conversation´s and that´s not good, it´s good to clean the air every once and a while, so talk, talk, talk!!

You really dont want to quit, you are a good mom and great wife. Your relationship to both Cami and Andy is more valuable, so you will get through this too!! i know you will

[tridlette]

Christy

We have all had days when the thought of walking away is really tempting. Maybe you could lock yourself in your room with the radio blaring so that no one can bother you for one evening!

This is my 3rd attempt to reply to you today, but first it was Patrick with a physics problem, then the pool pump clogged, then Shaun stepped on a spinter... GRRR!

Yes, Cami is at an ugly age, and right now, everything gets on her nerves. She can't explode or be mean to her teachers or friends or classmates, the repercussions are too much for her to handle. She is simply using you as her safe haven to attack. All that she says to you is just a vent for every other frustration in her life. The harder she pushes your buttons, the safer she feels. Because she knows at the end of the day, you are still going to love her and accept her just the way she is. Her friends are too precious and variable to go off on. Her teachers are too controlling for her to take things out on... they can only make matters worse for her at school and at home. Her classmates are unmerciful if she steps out of 'the norm'.

She needs to have you right now. Unfortunately, you need someone too. It stinks when you are both on a down cycle. Someone needs to be the steady factor, and right now, neither of you feels very much in control. Sounds like a camping trip is in order... to blow off steam in a fun way and avoid all the outside world problems.

As for the testosterone side of the family... I have trouble expressing myself to dh when I am upset. Writing a letter telling him calmly what is bugging me is the only way I can do it. If he knows that you are having questions and uncertainties, he can address them... either face to face or in a return letter. But the communication is a must.

Good luck... have an extra shoulder to cry on from me. Send me your phone # and I will try to call you (at home so I don't use up any more minutes!). I have unlimited long distance on my home phone.

Most importantly, just like we tell everyone, take some "ME TIME" right away. You don't have EOM to worry about for 3 weeks. Do it NOW!

We love you too much to let you feel miserable all alone. We are here for you!

[camismom]

Thanks so much Trid....as far as Cami you reminded me of what I already knew but was temporarily forgetting and you told me what I really needed to hear right now.

As far as Andy, I have done the letter writing on many occasions. It changes things for a little while, but not long. I'm still thinking on that subject right now.

On the camping idea, funny...but we just had a camping trip this past weekend.

Finally, regarding the "me" time... there is no way it can happen on any week night. Between rushing home to help her get started on homework, then getting her to swim practice, exercising while she's there, getting back home to finish up the homework while I do my own (laundry and junk) there IS no me time. I guess my me time is the exercising, but in no way do I count that. lol I AM flirting around with the idea of heading to Atlanta Saturday to do some shopping for myself...but with gas the way it is it would cost me a big chunk of the $180.00 I have to spend. Can't win for losing huh?

I did talk to my daddy for a loooooong time today (thank goodness for slow days at work) and he helped some. I am just thankful for Traci, daddy and you guys...if I didn't have someone to vent to, I would explode!

Thanks too Linda and Marj for the concern and encouragement. As always I know this too shall pass.

[SKay]

Christy, I can relate to some of the things you're going through--like no matter what you do it's not good enough, and the money situation. I'm not a good talker, but I can listen. I'll be glad to do whatever I can to help; please let me know what I can do. If you're ever able to get away for a little break, you're welcome to come here. I don't have many friends to do things with so I would welcome the company.

[aimee30]

How I can relate....It seems that almost everyday here is a "want to run away and never look back" kind of day. Just know there are others out there dealing with the same or similar problems.....*big hugs*

[camismom]

You know, last night was worst than the night before. All hell broke loose and Andy slept on the couch. lol BUT, I know we will talk tonight and get thru and the love and genuine concern I get frm you guys realy helps get me thru. Thank you all so much!

[Kaiti]

:-XChristy

Heck my husband falls asleep on the couch and it ticks me off :oOnly cause I have to wake up to wake him up so he isn't late ???wait, something werong withthis picture.

The best thing to do tonight is talk, talk talk, talk ........you get the idea.

Don't ya hate it when the point smacks em in the face and they don't know to flinch.

[mothercat]

;D ;D Our couch is soft and comfy...no way wil I give it to Bobo...I get the couch when it hits the fan here...after all these years of marraige you figure out that YES it does hit the fan in every house and YES we get over it ands make it up the next day or so...I think couches have saved many a marraige in their day. Wait until you both try to sneak off to get away from it ..and the kids find you no matter where you go....I think that happens in all families too... ;D For some reason this week seems to be very stressful in many families...all our fans are brown now ;D but we seem to get stronger because of it. Alot of the problem is dads can come home and hang it up for the night....moms are (gods rule I think) on duty 24/7 with no time clock..we also internalize every thing...where as dads (most not all) tend to get crabby let out steam and then blow things off. Bobo will get angry with the kids one minute and then play with them 5 minutes later...I tend to try to figure them out and dwell on their behavior for hours analyzing.
Maybe it is the stress in the air and on the news and even the radio...cant seem to get away from BAD NEWS this week...but I would like a night out ....ALONE. It will pass...all bad things and gas always pass...hope ya'all have a nice talk and you feel better about things soon.

[milesofsmiles]

I wanted to reply with something witty and uplifting, but staring at the screen did nothing for me. Yep, the fan in my home is a little brown too. I had to think on that one... Power outage, nahhhh, ok I get it now. I called apologized and offered to cook supper, and looks like we were just a bit tired from the night before.... Not what your thinking... Nate was up and wandering the house a couple of times. We were all a bit snippy this morning. Have a nice weekend, hope you all have a chance to talk, mend, and other stuff. Have fun, I will be out til Thursday. Conference in Minneapolis.

Adeos amegos (isn't my spanish atroscious?) You can see why I was never considered to enter a spelling bee?

Miles

[AnneM]

Christy ... I don't know how I missed this until right now!!



I see that since you wrote yesterday there is an update and things came to a head last night ... !! I reckon this can often be a GOOD thing especially when things have been bubbling inside you!! ...

I hope you get to have that good talk tonight and I hope it clears the air and allows you all three to move on ... As you say yourself what you are feeling WILL pass but I know it probably doesn't help or even feel like it right now!!

As the others have already said TALK TALK TALK !!

[Kaiti]

milesofsmiles said:

Adeos amegos (isn't my spanish atroscious?) You can see why I was never considered to enter a spelling bee?

Miles

Miles, remember, no other languages.....then again, mines just as atrocious, I knew what you meant

[Amsmom]

lots of to you christy. sometimes things just all stink at once, dont they? i dont have a dh, but definitely feel like running away
often.
hope tonight is much better.

[kstquilter]

hey christy
our fans have been brown too, some days more than others! they're currently in the light brown mode!!
as the other's have said, cami and every other teenager, struggle with the pull away from parents and the need to be with them and not want to be! we've all been there and we make it thru. just doesn't always feel like it.
i can't tell you how many times i've wanted to quit the whole thing. i can honestly say that my quilting is the only thing that kept me in the game and now you guys.
i'd be willing to bet your house is always clean, etc. my house isn't always clean but i make the time to quilt, especially on the bad days. or i read, that's usually my retreat from the worst days. i can think too much when i quilt sometimes, reading makes me go somewhere else for awhile.
make sandwiches for dinner and leave the dishes in the sink until tomorrow. no one cares. taking care of yourself is way more important, especially on the toughest days.
try not to take the things cami says personal, although i know we all do. but you know she loves you and you are a great mom. something you've reminded me about many times!
as far as dh, talk, talk and talk more. although i shouldn't be throwing stones! i'm not much good at it when i get upset. i wish you lots of luck and hope it all works out soon.
take care christy,
karen