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Post by camismom on Jul 11, 2005 7:02:58 GMT -5
 . I found out this morning that my dh is bringing his youngest dd along on our vacation next week. So much for looking forward to vacation.  This is the daughter that COMPLETELY turned her back on him, on US, for five years. For five years she had absolutely nothing to do with Andy. She wouldn't even speak to him! He got no recognition from her on Father's Day, Christmas, his birthday, anything. There were times when he would drive halfway to Duluth to get his oldest and she would be with her and their mom and he would try to talk to her, try to get her to come too, and she wouldn't even look at him. There were times when we would drive to Duluth to watch his oldest cheer and he would try to talk to her and she would ignore him. For five years she did this. For five years she called her step-dad " Daddy" and had nothing to do with him or us. After I sent an email to Andy's ex two years ago she started coming around some and started talking to him again, but still in the last two years he has seen his children maybe three times. Father's Days and the Christmas before last. They are always too busy with their own lives to include him. There were times they would drive down here themselves for the weekend to see their grandfather and wouldn't contact Andy to let them know they were here! I know they are teens and cheer and have alot going on in their lives. I know pretty much any teen will choose a school dance, game, date, etc. over going to their dads.... but like my friend said... you have to find a balance and a way to do both. Hell, Cami's dad is nothing but a liar and was recently caught in a big one! But no matter what he does, no matter what Cami may hear me say about him sometimes in my anger, she goes to see him. She has told me many times over, "he's still my dad and I owe him the respect of that." She is 13 with ADHD. Andy's youngest is 13 without. If Cami is mature to see this, she should be too. Anyway, last Christmas the step-dad took off and now all of a sudden J is all into Andy and wanting to see him.... of course. And Andy, of course, is buying into it. I can't stomach it. Seeing them all over each other makes me ill. I know she's his daughter but does she deserve to be rewarded with a week's vacation for treating her dad like dirt for five plus years? I guarantee you all...MARK MY WORDS... after this vacation is over he won't see her again, nor his other daughter, until Christmas when they show up to get their gifts. This past Father's Day was the first he had gotten them since the previous Father's Day!! So, anyway, I am angry and resentful this morning. I am no longer looking forward to my vacation. I am planning on calling my doctor's office as soon as they open to see if he will call me in a new presc of Effexor. I need you all to tell me I'm being a . I need you all to tell me to stop it, grow up, and remember this is his child. Thanks. and thanks for just letting me get it off my chest. 
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Post by Brocksmom on Jul 11, 2005 7:26:20 GMT -5
No you're not being a :(I can see your side of the story. obvioulsly you don't want you hubby to get his hopes up of having a "normal" relationship w/ his daughter then it's only going to be on her terms --when its convenient or beneficial to her. But if you look at it from his side, it's still some interaction from her after all it is his daughter, and obviously he won't turn his back on her. You said the step dad took off, so now she needs/wants a father figure in her life(from the sound of it, it doesn't sound very genuine...unfortunately) I take it you don't get along w/ her very well? Maybe you should take some time to take to her. Tell her that if shes serious about her father being in life full time, it has to the real deal and not for selfish reasons. I hope it is the real deal for you hubby's sake
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Post by Sorka on Jul 11, 2005 7:32:00 GMT -5
Alright..... SMACK!!!! SHE'S HIS DAUGHTER... WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY!! THAT MEANS.... NO MATTER WHAT!!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT.. SHE IS ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH AND WANT HER DAD WHEN SHE NEEDS HIM!!! HE'S HER DADDY!! There I will be the Read the story of the prodigal son baby!! You are not the you are the big brother..  Celebrate with him that his daughter has come home.. stop questioning it! He has been in pain over her rejection I am sure.. and now that is lifted off of him. Forget the Eflexor.. you don't need it. You need to make a decision like an adult to DEAL WITH IT!! E gads!! Denise (all said in love ) |
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Post by Linda on Jul 11, 2005 7:59:58 GMT -5
Forget the Eflexor.. you don't need it. You need to make a decision like an adult to DEAL WITH IT!! E gads!! Denise (all said in love ) This board is all about supporting one another. Let's keep it that way!!! |
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Post by camismom on Jul 11, 2005 8:11:41 GMT -5
Well, goodness! Seems like I started something here. Thanks Linda for the support. Two responses, one a little harsh, but I asked for it. Give me a little while to process it all. ok... I'm still trying to sort thru my feelings and answer my own questions. AM I being un-adult like? Am I being selfish? Here's what I'm coming up with so far: Thank you both for the honest answers. Brocksmom: you make a good point when you say "obviously you don't want your hubby getting his hopes up". I think that does have a lot to do with it. I know without a doubt in my mind that when he drops his dd off after this vacation he will not see her again for months..How do I know? Because this is not the first time this has happened. Two years agio after the five year of no contact with him at all she went on vaction with us in June of that year to DisneyWorld. After that vacation was over he didn't see her again until Christmas. She came for about three hours, opened her presents, left and then another six months went by with no visits from her until Father's Day. quote:"I take it you don't get along w/ her very well?" ... I've never had a chance to get along with her or not get along with her. She went five years without having anything to do with us at all and in the over ten years I have been married to her dad she has never really had anything to do with me. This past Father's Day when they overheard me talking to Andy about my mom, they were both surprised to hear of her recent brain tumor scare, as well as her bypass surgery two years ago! They show no interest in me or Cami at all and obviously never ask about us on the rare occasions they do call. Guess I should take some time to take to her.... but I think her dad needs it more. They have never had time to bond. She is like a stranger to all of us, but definetly more so me and Cam. Quote:" Tell her that if shes serious about her father being in life full time, it has to the real deal and not for selfish reasons." I've done that on more occasions than I can count. Andy has too. It never makes a difference.  Sorka, WOW! While I type this with the red hand print still showing on my face , I have to say again... I asked for it. lol Though I do agree with alot of what you are saying.... he's my husband and I should be happy for him. Celebrate his happiness, etc. I have to respond to one thing you said. "Forget the Eflexor.. you don't need it. You need to make a decision like an adult to DEAL WITH IT!! I wasn't taking Effexor because I can't make adult decisions. I was taking it because I was genuinely depressed. If you have kept up with me over the years then you know all I have going on and you know it WAS needed and unfortunately all the feelings I spoke about in my original post in August of last year have returned. I think whether I need it or not is up to me and my physician to decide. But then again, like Dr. Cruise said, I can always treat it with diet and exercise. Basically I think the biggest part is that I remember. I remember all the years I was there with my husband as he dealt with her hurting him. I was there when Father's Day came and she wouldn't acknowledge him, Christmas, his birthday. I was the one that held him as he cried telling me when he picked up his oldest she was there and wouldn't speak to him, wouldn't get out of the car, wouldn't even look out the window. I remember when we went to the oldest ones game my daughter sitting next to me on the bleachers in tears because the youngest wouldn't have anything to do with her. I remember her crying aas she asked me why? What have I done to her to make her treat me this way? Andy is my husband, Cami is my child. It is natural to want to shield them from hurt... no matter who it's from. Plus, yes, this part is selfish.... I work all year for a vacation. I need it. I want it to be relaxing.... I don't want it to be stressfull. And being around a child I hardly know, even if she is my step-dd, and watching her suck up to a man she has ignored for seven years and knowing she will again once this vacation is over is stressful, is not relaxing, and is not the vacation I have looked forward to. Sorry. |
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Post by vickilyn32 on Jul 11, 2005 8:27:04 GMT -5
Christy, I have never been thru what you are going thru, but I understand that you want to protect DH from getting hurt again. I can also understand DH wanting contact with his daugher even if he will end up being forgotten after this trip. At least he will have had some time with her, and he probably wants to get all the time he can, because he knows what will happen later. All you can do right now is smile, and let him have his time with her, then help "pick up the pieces" after she is gone. I know I would want to spend what time I could with my child, even if I knew I would be treated like a forgotten toy later on. Some is better than nothing, and when she grows up, she will realize that her dad was there for her, even if she was not there for him, and will feel rotten about the way she treated him.
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Post by camismom on Jul 11, 2005 8:55:23 GMT -5
Christy, I have never been thru what you are going thru, but I understand that you want to protect DH from getting hurt again. I can also understand DH wanting contact with his daugher even if he will end up being forgotten after this trip. At least he will have had some time with her, and he probably wants to get all the time he can, because he knows what will happen later. All you can do right now is smile, and let him have his time with her, then help "pick up the pieces" after she is gone. I know I would want to spend what time I could with my child, even if I knew I would be treated like a forgotten toy later on. Some is better than nothing, and when she grows up, she will realize that her dad was there for her, even if she was not there for him, and will feel rotten about the way she treated him. Thanks Vick.... you make a good point! |
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Post by milesofsmiles on Jul 11, 2005 9:34:29 GMT -5
Yes, this is definately a question for our Barry. I am sure he would have shared his wisdom on this one. I know that we are all different, that is the way we were designed, so the combination of actions and reactions are uncountable. The way I look at it is from the father's perspective. This is my child and would welcome any time we could spend together. It is a memory and a learning experience for both. We are all guilty at one time or another of making presumptions about other's motives. It may be difficult to let go of a judgement based on past behaviors, but this time it may be different. I know every morning I wake up and give my child unconditional love as I wake him up. Based on past experience, I know it will not be reciprocated, but I hold on to that hope every day. Hang in there, we all support you and try to understand the difficult situation you are in. Miles  |
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Post by tridlette on Jul 11, 2005 9:45:17 GMT -5
Well... remember... you want opinions... As a Christian, I can agree with Denise... in theory. It is easy to say welcome her with open arms. But she isn't YOUR prodigal child, so it is understandable you aren't thrilled. She has treated you, Cami, and her father poorly in the past. I suggest giving her a few hours to play nice. Try to be open minded at first. If she meets you half way, then great! If she is mean spirited and nasty, you and Cami should just give her the cold shoulder. I don't know what you have planned for vacation. Can you two " Do your own thing" and let Andy spend some alone time with her? I have often found myself being nasty to my boys when I am angry with DH. Try to step back when you feel the negativity coming on, set up a Plan B for each event on your vacation. Something you and Cami can enjoy even without Andy, or even with SD. Now, for the Effexor. If you have taken it before and you feel an all out depression setting in, ask for the meds before you feel totally miserable. If you only feel lousy because of this situation, give it a few days to see if it passes. I have been on and off meds for over 10 yrs. and I now know when I am on the verge of darkness. There are other times when I feel like, okay... maybe I am depressed but maybe I am just overtired and overwhelmed. I wait it out a week or two, and then I know for sure. But, I have experienced both, so I know when I am in danger and when I have time to assess the situation. Don't empower the SD to ruin your vacation. You and Cami can decide ahead of time that you are going to have fun no matter what. And you can tell Andy what you plan to do, as long as it won't cause a fight. Don't let his daughter have that power. You can let her ruin it, or you can take the power away. I vote for you to have the final say! Think how frustrated you get when Cami's Dad gets on your nerves, think about how she feels, and try to get into SD's mind from there. She might use her Dad, but she might just fill in the final missing puzzle piece to make his life complete. Give her a chance, but not TOO many chances in one vacation. Hopefully, she will experience what she has been missing out all these years, and be genuine. We will pray that she has turned the corner. But, if not this time, let her try again. Just be there for Andy after vacation is over, and be there for Cami during it!  There really isn't an easy answer. |
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Post by camismom on Jul 11, 2005 10:34:15 GMT -5
Thanks for the honest and heartfelt replies. I am sitting here now even more confused. I just spoke to Andy who told me he called his ex this morning and now his youngest ISN'T going with us.  Now, I'm feeling guilty. Is it because of my reaction this morning that this was decided? Am I standing in the way of my husband (whom I love dearly) getting time with his child? ARGH!! How am I supposed to know anything? I can't know because even though we are supposed to be a blended family we aren't. I'm never included in the decision making, I'm only informed of what the decisions are after they are made. Even the stories change daily. At first I was told he oldest wasn't coming because she has a cheerleading camp that week. Now I'm being told it's because she has senior pictures. Ugh, I feel so down today. Maybe it's the weather. |
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Post by tridlette on Jul 11, 2005 10:43:40 GMT -5
my reply stays the same... any time she is with you! And, having lived with a brother DENNIS... I am sure he has something to do with you feeling yucky today! Dennis' do that to you, yup! I always say, the only thing worse than a "Michael" is a " Dennis"... and it is true! And tomorrow is another day. I carry a card in my wallet... Help me remember, Lord, there is nothing going to happen today that you and I can't handle together. We might not be the Lord, but your friends here will help you through today! We love you.
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Post by Sorka on Jul 11, 2005 11:18:46 GMT -5
I said forget the Eflixor because It really sounded like you were letting this situation pull you down.. And you really need to fight that and not let it hopefully by looking at it another way.
Just don't let this fickle teenage girl let you drag yourself down to cycling around all that yucky self talk and bad feelings you have had.. I know once you get down by one thing that other stuff just comes flooding back and it pull ya down and down and down..
I know that..
In the end I would love to see you fight that off!! but if you need it you need it.. but wouldn't it be better to work hard to not let her pull you down to that place?
EH?
She is a FICKLE teenager.. as evidenced by this new change in plans.. Make sure you know the real reason for the change.. Ask him! Don't you start talking down to my friend Christy!!!
don't you start telling her that it's her fault without knowingthe facts!!! OK!!! Promise!! Cause it's pulling you down.. It's a simple question..
Hunny, why did the vacation plans get changed...
say it.. say it...SAY IT!!! heheh(that's a quote from my DH when I don't talk!!)
Denise
Luv ya!!
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Post by camismom on Jul 11, 2005 14:34:10 GMT -5
Thanks Denise..... I think what I'm going to do is give up. lol I did ask and the answer I got madfe no sense. Now, believe it or not Cami is upset because the step-sis isn't going. She was looking forward to having someone her own age to hang out with so she wouldn't be bored. I told her and Andy both, "ok, y'all discuss it and let me know what y'all decide. There are three of us and I'm apparenlty outnumbered so I'll deal with it." It's not that I don't want her going, I just didn't think she deserved to. I think the two of them need some bonding time alone first and then if she continues to show interest and starts showing interest in ALL of us, then we go from there. But hey, what do I know? lol |
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Post by Sorka on Jul 11, 2005 15:41:16 GMT -5
WEll there you go . you have decided.. tell him that!
Denise
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mothercat
Member Emeritus
With a little luck and a lot of Gods help anything is possible!
Posts: 1,468
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Post by mothercat on Jul 11, 2005 16:10:29 GMT -5
When Bobo 's folks split up when he was little he didn't see his daddy. He did see his daddy( out the window) come to the house and beg to see him. All he ever got told about his dad was he was abusive , boozer, etc etc etc.. or that he would try to steal him. (none of it true) He had no clue forever that his dad thought about him daily and tried often to see him. I might add that Dad was allowed to see the 3 sisters regular behind Bobo's back. It was all spite and secret this and that till Bobo grew up. Finally when his dad had cancer they gave the man our address. By the time Bobo knew the truth and got to see him he was so out of it that the man just sat there telling him how he couldn't wait to see his son.
Divorces are messy and nasty things (that you know)
and sometimes the kids unknowingly bear wrong grudges about things that have nothing to do with them. Or they are just like Bobo and mushrooms...left in the dark and fed sh*it. Either way while it might put a strain on the vacation ...give it a chance. If she is being a greedy selfish little child...maybe Andi will rub off on her and give her a example of good morals and behavior that she is lacking. If they have never had time to bond..then they are strangers and need to know each other better. She may find out what she has missed and learn how to care about people in the way you would like her to be..given a chance. If not Andi needs to learn also and one cant learn without the experience...see what I mean? HAve a nice vacation and try to enjoy it, but dont stress it. Also try not to do the comparing thing between kids ..it would be great if she and Cami could get along and Cami could teach her what caring really means. 13 is a hard age to get dumped on even if it is by a step dad. Bobo's step dad never did much more than use him as a punching bag and Bobo has always regretted not seeing his real dad.
Andi's real daughter will grow up and realize and maybe some happy memories will help speed things along.
I know it is hard for you after trying all this time to get them together and the daughter refusing ...maybe this is Andis big chance..tell him to reinvite her and not take no for an anwer. Or atleast do something with her.
Hope I didn't offend.
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