Families and helping out ...

[AnneM]

Oh !!

Background: T is the son of my cousin. My cousin and his wife are long separated and T is now 16 and has completed his GCSE's which are the big exams taken at this age. I do NOT know T very well but am aware that his mother (the ex-wife of my cousin) has had some tremendous headaches with him over the years ... although I don't think she has helped either as apparently she does nothing but shout and scream at him!! ..

Anyway ... my aunt and uncle (his grandparents) have been trying to help T out ... he apparently has no idea WHAT he wants to do with his life so they got on to me to see what opportunities there mght be for him at the college I work at ...

I fixed up for T to come and see the Student Careers Advisor at the college ...

That was all FINE .... T was due to come in and see my colleague Mark at 10:00 on Friday morning .. I thought no more about it and just ASSUMED T had come in and seen Mark (in a different part of the college than where I am) etc.etc... and thought that was the last part I could play !!

Anyway I have just in the last hour had my Aunty on the phone VERY VERY stressed ... !! T was due to go and see them at 12.00 today and it was now 6:30 p.m. !! She was beside herself with worry!! I couldn't of course help with THAT but what she was ringing me for was to say he had told them on the phone that he HAD been in to the college on Friday and is due to start on Tuesday ... but they just don't know whether they BELIEVE HIM !! ..

... which of course is where I come in !! .. THey want me to find out whether this is the truth tomorrow morning when I get to work !!

T is adhd I am very convinced of that - but he is adhd with no help or parental guidance whatsoever !! .. In addition to shouting and screaming at him constantly it appears that his mother hasn't a good word to say about him and lost control of him a good 3-4 years ago !! According to my aunt and uncle he has also been mixing with VERY bad company and when approaching the school to see if he could return to "re-take" his exams they said "NO ... " to him and his 'bad company' friends !!

As I said already this is not a boy I am at all close to ... he isn't close family to me and I have really only seen him a "handful" of times since he was born ... but I am close to my Aunt and Uncle who are his grandparents ... I also have a huge feeling towards any kid of that sort of age who I feel is not being given a fair chance !!

Tomorrow I have to set in motion my own private investigation ... Oh I doooo hope that T DID come to the college and keep his appointment ... I also HOPE that his story is TRUE and that he is due to start there to do the course to do his "RETAKES" on Tuesday ...

(We have had kids on occasions who have in fact PRETENDED to their parents that they were going to college whereas in fact we have never seen them! ... Last term I had to tell a mother that we had NEVER seen her daughter and she was simply not a registered student at our college !! .. Apparently the daughter had a friend who was doing the course that she was "pretending" to do ... and the daughter was finding out from the friend what was going on and the daughter in turn was giving THIS story to her parents!) ... I could have WEPT for that mother !! ... When I spoke to her (after we had investigated it!) she simply said "I honestly don't know what to say and I also don't know what to say to my daughter!" (and heaven knows WHERE her daughter was spending every day whilst she was PRETENDING to be at college!!

Anyway fingers crossed that T was telling the TRUTH!!

PS ... Just to clarify at 16 in the UK they can go to college ... but there IS still a parental system in place ... However, it IS possible that a 16 year old could 'pretend' to be at college and it HAS happened as you can see here ... but this is only because the parents are (apparently) not aware that they SHOULD be invited to parents evenings and they WILL still be contacted about any problems!!)

[Linda]

Anne..this sounds like it could be anyones family!!! All you can do is check and see if T is telling the truth. Personally I don't think he is!!

Then you have the job of telling Auntie ....so I hope I am wrong and he did what he was supposed to do

[AnneM]

This was my gut feeling too ... but lets hope, hope, hope we are both wrong!!

... and I have to admit I sure don't look forward to giving my Auntie and Uncle "bad news" !!

Thinking positively though ... he said he saw a WOMAN ... (he was DUE to see a MAN!) but this COULD make sense because Mark's colleague is a woman ... and he said that REception knew who he was .. which could ALSO make sense if Mark wasn't available and had instead got his female colleague to see him ... and hence told reception to send him to Sonja!!

All will be revealed tomorrow !! GULP!!

[kstquilter]

i guess if the parents are still involved you may not have the same privacy issues we have here in college. once a child turns 18, you can't tell the parents much. obviously this boy isn't 18 yet so you can legally tell your aunt what's going on.
i guess i try to believe the kid until they've lied to me once too often.
hopefully this boy is telling the truth and maybe he can even get special help as well.
good luck and i hope you find out good news.
karen

[camismom]

Sound like a big mess Anne! I hope for everyone's sake that T is telling the truth and you won't have to hurt you beloved aunt with bad news.

[SKay]

I hope you learn good news from your investigation!

[finnmom]

Anne.....family

I hope so much that T is telling the truth(allthough I doupt it), so you dont have to tell your aunt any bad new´s. But most of all, I hope he´s telling the thruth for his own sake, so there would still be some hope for him to grow up desently.....We´ll see....

[Linda]

Any news Anne? Hopefully he is telling the truth and you will have no further involvement

[AnneM]

I have done my investigation (thoroughly!) and T is lieing ... it is clear that he did NOT come in on Friday!! ... it seems he has made up a story to his grandparents (my aunt and uncle) which is nothing but lies !!

I made absolutely 100% sure of this before calling my Aunt and Uncle !! ... It was not an easy conversation ... they were very upset because they have genuinely been trying to guide this boy in the right direction !!

[Linda]

You have done all you can do Anne! I do feel sorry for T though. His future doesn't look too bright

[finnmom]

Oh no, just as I thought poor aunt and uncle of your´s and poor Annie, you got yourself in a bad situation

[camismom]

I hate to hear that! Sadly though, at 16, all your aunt and uncle can do is keep TRYING to guide him in the right direction..it is up to him to decide what path to take. Hopefully with a little more growing will come maturity. His grandparents/your aunt & uncle just have to keep showing him the positives of life to counteract with the mom's negatives. It is just so maddening though when you see these things happen! Doesn't it just want to make you SLAP the mom and ask her why she had a child if she wasn't going to love him?

Knowing you like I do, I just know this is killing you Anne!

[AnneM]

Thankyou so much !!

The plot thickened this afternoon when my Auntie and Uncle (having spoken to me on the phone earlier!) arrived IN PERSON at the reception at the college .. now there IS a humourous side to this because my Auntie is very "flamboyant" and " Dramatic" ... and so she literally "flew" into the reception at the college and asked to see her niece "immediately please because its VERY important"!! ... OMG !! I was on the phone to someone at the time and my colleague took the call from reception and was flapping a note in front of me which said "Your Aunt is in reception and she says its VERY important!" ...

Anyway ... I went to see her and my Uncle (he is a MUCH calmer character!!) ... and there were big hugs and kisses in the reception area with my aunty telling the receptionist (who I know anyway!) "This is my niece!" ... Oh I think maybe you have to know my Aunty to know how comical this actually was !! ... ;D ;D

Oh but much more seriously I am sooooo sad about T ... and I feel soooo sorry for my Aunt and Uncle who have really been trying very hard to help him ... I think they really feel they have been slapped in the face right now!!

They are still holding out hope that T will simply arrive at the college tomorrow for enrolment and in fact the "exam retakes" are the ONLY area that we do still have vacancies in so all would not be lost if he did this!! ... I have promised to subtly keep my eyes open for him (because they do NOT want him to feel he is being spied on!)... but I hold out very little hope!!

[Kaiti]

I'm so sorry to see this Anne, I was hoping that he werre telling the truth as well.

I think that after a little time has passed T will realize what his grandparents are trying to do and straighten up.

But growing up how he did stinks :-*No kid should have to go through all the screaming and bad mouthing. I've seen too many kids' self esteem crushed by the time they were that age. I guess that's why I work where I do, to try to keep the balance up for the kids

[tridlette]

oh, Anne, what an experience you are having! I was reading about Aunty being flamboyant... I watched "bird cage" yesterday with Robin Williams. all I could think about was Albert in the movie, all the melodrama. I am glad that there is something to enjoy in the midst of the mess. I will pray that it all works out for T.