How you were brought up...

[camismom]

I had an interesting conversation with a teen at our church this weekend that I wanted to touch on here too...He was talking about his relationship with his parents. Apparently it's not a very good one. They don't come to church with him, they are ones that use the church as a place to get the kid to, a glorified babysitting service so to speak. They show him little attention, and little praise. He is a good kid despite it and in our talk he said that his parents, though they didn't know it, were actually being a good influence on him because he was being taught how to be a better parent when he becomes one one day. We talked about my childhood and how it framed me to be how I am today. I am a firm believer that we have choices to make. If our childhood isn't "ideal" we can choose to follow in those same steps, or choose to do better for ourselves and our kids when we can.

My parents divorced before I was even born. I didn't come to know my father until I was 14. He remarried and had another daughter just over a year after I was born. I met her too at 14. We are very close now. My mother went through a string of marriages, and we moved more times than I can count. Non of the marriages lasted very long and basically I grew up in the different projects of my home town. We lived on food stamps, medicare, and government handouts. I firmly remember the big block of cheese mom would get each month and the cereal with powdered milk (yuk!). My mom did the best she could for us and I know that. I know what happened between her and my father and I blame them both for bad decisions that caused these things for us. I have forgiven them their mistakes and have moved on though. I love them both and we are very close. I missed out on so much growing up because there was never any money to do the extra things. I have come to peace with that and forgive both my parents and love them despite it. .... BUT.... I firmly believe I would be a different person if it weren't for these things. So many people are brought up by parents barely getting by. Some settle for it, and just think it's the way things are and don't try to aim for better. I saw so many of my friends quit school, and fall into the same paths as their parents. Not me. I vowed that no matter what, I would overcome. Seeing both my parents married so many times is what made my decision to divorce Cami's father so very hard on me. I didn't want her going through what I did. I vowed that although we didn't get along, I would never stand in the way of his relationship with Cami. She loves her dad very much, faults and all. I also vowed I would get out of those projects and give my child better. I would always find a way to give her the things she wants within reason. She would never have to hear, "sorry baby, I know you want to take XXXXX, but we just don't have the money." Not to brag, but I did overcome. I now have a great job, that pays well, a nice home, and we do fairly well. When Cami starts dating she won't have to be embarrassed to tell her bf's where she lives. My past made me what I am today. I had a choice to go to school and strive for better, or marry young like my mom and settle for what I got. I chose the first.

My dh was brought up very poor as well: in a tiny two bedroom cinder-block house. His father was an alcoholic and abused his mother. My dh witnessed this abuse regularly and watched his father die a miserable death due to his alcoholism. Now, he had two things going against him due to so-called experts. He had an alcoholic parent and an abusive parent. This meant he would probably be the same. Well, guess what? He is so far from that it isn't funny! He learned early on that liquor makes him mean and he vowed to stay away. He also vowed to learn the proper way to treat a lady, and I couldn't ask for a better, more loving husband. It is a choice. He made the right one.

I don't know why I felt like posting this, other than just to remind all how vulnerable our kids can be. How impressionable. I hope they learn that their life and what becomes of it is up to them. I hope we can all teach them that and help them to learn by example.

This conversation really stayed with me and I hope this kid can overcome too!

[vickilyn32]

I just hope that my children look back someday and relize how much they were loved. If that is all they remember I will be happy. I was an only child and DH had 4 boys in his family. I wanted more than one child he wanted a small family. We settled on 2 and are happy with that. I got everything I needed and a few things I wanted, DH had to work for everything. I think the diffrence in our backgrounds helps keep us on a realistic budget with the kids. I am more apt to give them what they want, he wants them to earn it, so we have had to compromise on everything. We both agree that dance and sports are wonderful, and we dont want the kids to work too much before they are out of school, we want them to concentrate on schoolwork. They both work some in the summers. DS13 mows lawns, and DD11 helps as a mothers helper for a neighbor for a few hours a week. I think right now that is plenty of work for them.

[camismom]

vickilyn, I totally agree! Let them be kids while they're kids. Adulthood comes way too soon and once you're there, there is no going back!

Sounds like you and your dh are doing a wonderful job!

[rosyred45]

Thanks for making me get up for a tissue Christy You truly have touched on more than you might think. For your self and Cami, you have made your life better than you were raised. You know what, brag away about what you make --You Deserve to!!!!!!!As long as you don't rub it in

As I think back to what my mom and dad have given to me, I am truly blessed. No, we didn't have a money tree in the back yard-as dad always reminded us, but we had each other. I grew up next to my grand parents, in a town where my dad (and brothers)and his mom and her dad were born and raised- Since I grew up, I wanted the same for my kids. So here we are, just on the other side of the light in town.... ;D

I'm on a parade committee that my mom was on when we were growing up, on the fire auxilary with mom-for those of you who come from volunteer fire company families God Bless ya- and I still get up in the middle of the night when the whistle goes off and head down to make coffee if they need it, VFW auxilary, there is so many thing that I learned from my parents, but being there for your friends, family, neighors, strangers, and even enemies at time is the best thing that I could have ever learned.

I guess that what I got most outta being me is to take things with a grain of salt and help where you can, you migth need that help one day. And I've learned a pretty good barter system too. Summer time came and all of our friends would help us in the garden: peas, beans, corn, carrots sometimes, squash....etc we'd get it all picked and shelled or what have ya and then we'd all go swimming in mom-mom's pool. Next day we'd go to a friends house and help them clean. Nice little system we had there.

I'll stop before I get way off track. Christy, I see that your daughter gets her strenght of character from you, you should be patting yourself for all that you have done. I'll tell you thanks!!!
Kaiti

[camismom]

I should be thanking you... for the kind words! I worried after I posted this that it might offend. I hope not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not rolling in the dough by any means. Me an dh both have to work and what we make pays the bills. He does side work that is used as our fun money.

As far as you, I have never met you in person but have come to know you as a friend that will always be there when needed. Your parents did a superb job and I'm sure you are as well.

[finnmom]

Camismom
Thank you for sharing your story, I think you have strenght in you that make´s you as good person and mother as you are! gongratulations, you´ve made the best you could. You´re doing a great job raising your daughter, like letting her create her own relationship to her father despite your devorse and all

Kaiti
I, too, see you as a strong, justified person who does what need´s to be done and enjoy´s it. I havent met you, but I bet I´d like you a lot. Just this kind of an "old-fashioned humanity" we all need!

I, was raised in a little farm in a little village, quite far from the neares town(50km). My parent´s made it, rarely, but us kid´s never had to suffer, oh no, dont get me wrong. We got all the thing´s we needed, all the reasonable thing´s we wanted and lot´s of love.

My parent´s used to take us to skiing-trip´s on sunday´s, my dad told us where he had been working, all the place´s around us. My mom bake´s the best delicate´s I´ve ever had. We had to work at the farm, but never too much, always the work we were able to do. My dad´s sister lived really close to us, she and her hubby are/were my godparent´s. I had a good childhood!!!!!! to them I was told I can do what I want, if I want to learn something I can, they counted on me

I want to raise my kid´s with same kind of human way as I was raised, honoring other´s, defending poor and weak one´s, taking care of other people´s, honoring the one´s who had make this possible for us. Loving them, believing on them.... I hope I can.

Marja

[rosyred45]

Thank you Christy, that really made my day brighter. I actually chuckled a little when you wrote about the powdered milk. My Mom's dad used to work for the township he lives in. On day I remember him bring us over some bags of "old" peanut butter, canned goods and powdered milk. The only reason I say old is because the date was expired and the township couldn't give it to the residents any more, so pop-pop not wanting it to go to waste gave it to us.(at least that's the story I remember hmmmmm)

OMG, we had never seen peanut butter that separated before, but that was the big thrill. We used to go to Pop-pops and ask him for that "special" peanut butter. I can still see the black letter's on the PEANUT BUTTER white label. Jeezzzz..... And mom waited til he left and mixed up the powered milk for the cats, it did smell wierd, but I have never tasted it. I'm guessing I'm not missing much am I?

Have a great day
Kaiti

[songwriter]

I was brought up by christian parents. They were farmers. We were poor but I didn't really know it. I was the youngest of 8 kids and we grew up in a house with 4 bedrooms and 1 bath. I enjoyed drinking farm fresh milk,(not pasteurized),eating farm fresh chickens and eggs and lots of beef.
I remember mom making a 'basket ' out of her dress and putting garden vegetables in it. Also remember taking tomato worms and throwing them to the chickens-what a show.
Dad taught me how to recognize God in nature- I remember him showing me frost designs on the window and saying "look what God painted".
I remember hearing dad singing hymns in german as he rode the tractor in the fields. My mother loved the 'unlovables' of this world and often took others in who were less fortunate and cared for them.
They were good parents but they did fight a lot. Some would say they were strict but we were never abused and dad never lifted a hand against mom. They both died last year and I miss them deeply. If your parents are still living, please give them a hug and tell them you love them- You never know how much longer they will be around.

-songwriter

[Jorgy]

I also grew up on a farm. I am the oldest of 7. We had what we needed and lots of love. Who needs anything more! We were taught to accept whatever happens in life and to get on with it. We were taught to work as a team and we still do stick together. We were taught that we were responsable for our mistakes and for our successes.
The most important thing my mom told us 5 girls was that we were as smart as any man and to stand up for what we believe in. She also taught us to stand on our own two feet! It has come in handy although my hubby would argue with that! I tell him a lot that I have him around because I want to, not because I have to!
All of us hear seem to be strong personalities which, when dealing with ADHD, is a good thing. God Bless, Sue

[rosyred45]

I didn't see your post before mine Marja, thank you for the kind words. I can hear you you now having fun skiing with your kids and sledding and all that fun you all have. You too are a beautiful person, always speaking kind words and trying to put a positiv spin on things.

Songwriter-I love milk right from the cow cream and all, my husband used to tell me he thought it was digusting, until he tried it, now we get it from a farm down the street when ever we can. AND he tries to drink it quicker than me. We still get fresh eggs from my pop-pop or auny if they have extra...I's sendyou some if I could.

Sue- you do realize that your husband knows that you are that strong and don't "need" him around, AND that's part of your beauty. Of course there are times when you can play and say you need him to do the dishes or laundry or......

Now, where did that serenity prayer go? I think with this full moon going I'm goona need it

Kaiti

[camismom]

songwriter - you paint a beautiful picture! You reminded me of my all-time favorite show - Little House on the Prairie. Having grown up without my father or that "perfect" family, I always loved that show and so wanted "Pa" for my daddy!

I agree with Kaiti. We got some pretty strong, good people on this board. Maybe that's why it's so successful!

And speaking of the moon.... did anyone see it this morning? It was big and beautiful!

[Linda]

I grew up smack dab in the city.I am the oldest of 4 girls and I have an older brother who I picked on constantly.I was a " tomboy".I could play ball with the best of boys and they were glad to have me on there team.

We didn't have much in the material sense,but neither did anyone else we knew,so it was ok!

My mother was very strict with us and instilled a lot of values and morals in us. I did the same thing with my boys,and most of it stuck! ;DI think we tend to raise our kids the same way we were raised.

My parents are both gone now...am I am telling you...it is hard sometimes...because I think no matter how old you are...you still want your parents around...especially daddy...I was his little girl!

[catseye]

Small town girl here... I am the surprise baby, and the youngest of 2... My brother is 12 years older than me, so we both were basically raised as only children... My parents were particularly wealthy, but I never had to go without necessities... My parents built the home I was raised in with their bare hands, and we never moved from there until I was ummm removed from the house (more on that below)...

Definition of a tom boy, with mainly boy "friends" (notice not boyfriends)... I loved roller skateing and met my first husband when I was 12 years old (he was 21 YIKES)... Dropped out of high school at 16, and subsequently got my behind kicked out of the house also for that MINOR infraction LOL... Can you believe the took my car from me?? THE NERVE... LMAO

After getting married at 18, I went back and got my GED... Finally straightened myself out from all the drugs, stealing etc I was doing as a rebellious teen... In doing so I was able to repair my relationship with my parents... Thank goodness because my mom died 2 years ago, I am so thankfull for those good years after my rebelling... Although mom reminded me over and over, how awful I was as a teenager! I just hope she didnt wish it on me!! LOL

My vow as a kid growing up, was to have kids, and be able to stay at home with them, be involved in their school etc... I was always in daycare, and rarely saw my parents as they owned their own business.. Unfortuantely I have not been able to stay at home with my kids, but I am very involved with school field trips, or fundraisers... I am hopeing that working will mean eventually my kids will get a decent start on life...

christy your post is very touching, and I am very proud of how well you have dealt with alot of the issues... I may not KNOW you, but you have touched me, and brought me hope that my sd can overcome any divorce issues also... Great post

[rosyred45]

((((((((((((((hugs for Linda)))))))))))))))
I know what you mean about the Daddy's little girl. I was, until I got married, then dad told Mike----
Now you gotta put up with her ;D

As I think back, being the baby of the family didn't spoil me like people assume the typical baby of the family. I just didn't listen when I was told no for somethings

My dad isn't a very emotional guy, at least to me. He never really has been. We could sit in the living room for hours and not say a word. Heck, we do the same thing now. But we're content. People that know us tell me I can't be denied. I act just like him. And so I know he's a great guy then ;D My sister on the other hand, I guess it must be having kids, since she doesn't, is very vocal about everything. Holier than thou, always has been, since we were little.
Maybe that's why I am like I am. She always had to be the center of attention, first, always right. You know what, when we get together now, I almost feel like a little kid again. Waiting for her to boss me around, which she tries to do, and just did yesterday is actually more fun now. I can cuss at her and NOT get in trouble for it.

Oh see, gotta have a silver lining somewhere
Off the soap box
Kaiti

[aimee30]

At first I wasn't going to respond to this post, but after reading all of your posts I decided my childhood could be shared.

My parents were divorced when I was 4. It was actually final on my 4th birthday. They divorced because my dad was homosexual. He moved to Utah and eventually to California. I lived with my mom and older brother. My mom decided to go back to college after dad left and during that time we were on every kind of public assistance available.

My mom had a very good friend that was in the same situation and I can remember them getting together to share their food a lot.

We lived in a very small college town and back then it was nothing to go for a bike ride by myself around town. I played in the rain a lot. I used to love going out and dancing in the rain. We could splash all day.

My mom's friend eventually got married and kind of left my mom by herself. She started doing the bar scene when she finally got a car and license ( I was in 4th grade by then). She began dating the scum of the earth. There were new men in and out of the house on a weekly basis.

Mom finally graduated from college and began her career as an RN. She still lived the bar scene. Unfortunately she met a very abusive man and eventually married him. He was not only physically abusive but sexually abusive to me. During this time my brother had moved to California with my dad.

My teen years were spent dealing with the homosexuality of my dad, the sexual and physical abuse I went through. I was eventually put in a foster home. I stayed there for almost a year and still have contact with my foster parents.

Things did get better between my mom and I, but there are a lot of unresolved things there too. I love her and loved my dad very much.

I vowed long ago that I would never put my kids through a seeing drinking or fighting. I WILL NEVER allow my children to be abused either.

I guess I should stop now that I have wrote my book(believe me I could go on). Thank you all for sharing your wonderful stories.