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Post by demiba on Jun 30, 2005 9:45:24 GMT -5
:)Hi - I am new and want to hear from others in how you discipline. My 8 yo DS has been on Concerta for 1+ years now and it really helps with focus and concentration at school. At home when he misbehaves we count and then take something away that he loves, such as Gameboy time or Legos or whatever, depending on the severity of the infraction. He seems to have an overattatchment to "things" and has tried to steal rubber lizards from his grandmother's house that she would have gladly let him have if he asked. Is this familiar behavior to any of you? We are wondering if by taking away things when we discipline we are contributing to this greedy behavior. Also, he cannot share with his 4 year old brother. Everything is MINE! Thanks for responses.
Michelle P.
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Post by tridlette on Jun 30, 2005 10:17:03 GMT -5
 Welcome aboard! I have 3 boys, 10, 12, 14. Lying is the REAL BIG NO NO here. I tolerate just about anything else, but the truth is very important. When someone left the ice cream out on the counter when it was 95 degrees, I was angry. But when I heard 3 kids tell me "Not Me", that was when I blew my stack. Obviously, they didn't get ice cream, but they didn't get much fun either. Each age is different, each child is different. So what works for one won't work for another. With Michael, I used to put his TOYS in time out, that got his attention. If he had to sit in the chair, it didn't bother him at all! My boys will tell you, The truth is more important than anything else. I know when Michael tells me something that a teacher said or did, it is the truth. He may play games with the teachers against the parents, but it is always the truth. If I complain that I don't think something was marked fairly, he tells the teacher! I was told with the ADHD, pick your battles. I chose the honesty as my #1 priority. I can let slide a sh** or da**  from them on occasion, but not a lie. So, decide what is most important and not negotiable. Set the rules solid. Learn to let go of small details (like making the bed or clearing the table, maybe) and work on the ones that you feel are most urgent. I also know that with the 14 yr. old, when I tell him NO now, he gets really foul... he was too spoiled as a small child.  Learning that he can't have everything he wants is almost impossible now. I think you are wise to try to teach him this lesson young. I don't know if any of this helps, but you certainly aren't alone. Hope to see much more of you around here! Again, Welcome! Laurie
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Post by Kaiti on Jun 30, 2005 10:48:45 GMT -5
Lying is a big no-no at our house as well. Welcome Home, we are a been there, done that, got the t-shirt family. What one might be going through is something someone else has dealt with in their own way. My son will be 8 in OMG a week 8-)he lived he lived ;D One thing that I have always told my kids that no matter what happens, I will find out the truth so you might as well spill now. And I get the truth. My husband one the other hand gives them to me to determine the truth. He puts them in the situation to be able to lie. I don't. Not to say my kids don't lie to me, but if they do, the consequeses are of a natural sort. Even the stupid little things. " Did you bring me all of your dirty clothes?" Yes.......2 days later they are wearing something from the dirty clothes pile because they didn't bring it too me and I am not hounding anymore. Gets me all the laundry now  As far as the stealing, make him return it, write an apology letter and don't let him play with them for a period of time. Everyone needs to be on the same page for this to happen though. If gramma let'sd him play with it immediately, it defeats the whole purpose of it being a punishment. I know, my mom and MIL are a pain when it comes to keeping things on the up and up....and following rules that are set for my KIDS protection, not their comfort. Sorry to be so long winded, but keep the questions coming. Vent if you need to.....I love too  |
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Post by kstquilter on Jun 30, 2005 11:46:16 GMT -5
Michelle,
Welcome to this wonderful board! you'll get lots of help and hugs here!
lying is a super common problem for my 20 year old dd. It's also been my number one priority but hasn't seemed to phase her much over the years. She would also steal.
as far as stealing goes, we would take her and make her return whatever she took and apologize in person. we never did it for her. we threatened to call the police on her especially since we had a neighbor who was a police officier when she was little. we thought we'd try to scare her.
she eventually stole from a store in early middle school for the first time. i tried to scare the crap out of her on the way over there telling her that i didn't know if she'd be coming home with me because the police might have take her to jail, etc. etc. ect. i really laid it on thick! then got to the store and the lady was so nice because brittany was crying that she didn't even call the security guy in to talk to her. but i also think it was the last time she stole.
as far as lying goes, it's an ongoing problem. it's gotten better as she's gotten older as a whole.
i think it has to do with impulse control. she's extremely good at it unfortunately and it's gotten harder to catch her at it. i wish i could be more help.
we have taken things away from her, etc. all the things we all try. i've explained that the punishment would have been less if she'd just told the truth, etc. etc. she doesn't seem to think things like that all the way thru.
since she's 20 now, we've told her that the next time we catch her lying, she'll be asked to leave the house. since we've done a pretty good job of following thru with our threats most of her life, she's been better lately. i'm not sure if we'd really ask her to go only because she has no where to go. all her friends go away to school and anyone left here still lives with their parents.
she's supposed to go away to college next fall as well, wish it was this fall tho! it's time for her to go!
all i can tell you is that it's gotten better as she's gotten older but nothing truly worked very well until she started getting older.
i wish i was more help. at least you know you aren't alone or a horrible parent or a parent who allows their kids to lie, etc. i guess the one thing that has been good out of it is that her younger brother almost never lies. i think he's seen some of the punishments, the yelling, and the huge priority we place on honestly so he rarely lies.
i wish you luck.
karen
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Post by finnmom on Jun 30, 2005 12:10:30 GMT -5
:)Michelle and welcome to this online family. You´ll soon realize that there is (almost9 nothing that we wouldnt have gone through with adhd, someone of us have ben there, done that and we all get the benefit´s of that I´d do exactly as Tid and kaiti sayd; pick your battle´s. i dont tolerate lying, stealing or harming sibling´s  I can live with dirty clothe-piles(for a while anyhow) and table´s not cleaned, but I will not tolerate lying, stealing... With that toy taken from grandma; make him take it back with apologies and dont let him play with it immediately...he´ll learn...in time.... |
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Post by milesofsmiles on Jun 30, 2005 12:33:43 GMT -5
One of the blessings (so far) is that our son will confess to anything he has done wrong or had done wrong to him. More than anything we will get the "I don't know". With our guy, it takes him some time to sort out and process the question. Often when things have settled down he will tell us. I agree with those above to have him take responsibility for his actions. Apologies are a must. I lead by example. I have found that in 15 years of marriage that one thing I cannot do is lie, not even a small one. So I always fess up right away, and so does our Nate. Miles |
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Post by AnneM on Jun 30, 2005 12:39:35 GMT -5
and a BIG WELCOME?? Did your son own up when challenged about taking the lizards or deny it? Personally I think the answer to this question makes a difference to the way forward... If he owned up and felt "guilty" then he has a CONSCIENCE ... this 'conscience', if present, can speak louder than ANY reprimand by parents (IMHO)... HOWEVER, if he denied it - despite the evidence put in front of him - then this could be for two reasons (again this is IMHO) : 1. That he was frightened of the consequences of owning up and 2. That he simply wouldn't "own up" under any circumstances ...
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Post by Linda on Jun 30, 2005 12:51:04 GMT -5
and a BIG WELCOME?? Did your son own up when challenged about taking the lizards or deny it? Personally I think the answer to this question makes a difference to the way forward... If he owned up and felt "guilty" then he has a CONSCIENCE ... this 'conscience', if present, can speak louder than ANY reprimand by parents (IMHO)... HOWEVER, if he denied it - despite the evidence put in front of him - then this could be for two reasons (again this is IMHO) : 1. That he was frightened of the consequences of owning up and 2. That he simply wouldn't "own up" under any circumstances ... Hi and welcome....boy did Anne ever hit the nail on the head....I think in most cases it is being to scared to own up and face the consequences. |
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