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Post by camismom on Apr 16, 2004 12:45:50 GMT -5
My dd12 is at that crucial age of pre-everything: teens, menstrual, self-independence, full maturity. She is in the ever-crucial middle school years where everything starts changing and going crazy. On top of all that, she is at that age where friends and what they say is the word.
Cami bases what she wears on what her friends would think. She considers their opinions before buying something. She lets them dictate her life somewhat: taste in music, television, clothes, interest, etc. If they say jump, she asks "how high". Her friends are the ones who influenced her to go to the counselor which lead to our DFCS visit. This worries me for her future, although she insists she will draw the line on the dangerous things. I can only keep praying!! I mentioned in another post of mine how her best friend kept telling her she wanted to see what her hair would like like straight, so she was about to die to get a straightener to do this one day. She was casually mentioning maybe cutting her hair for the summer and her boyfriend said he preferred long hair, so that is now off. And she is worried about trying out for cheerleading and actually making it because a lot of kids think the cheerleaders are too "preppy".
I remember being influenced a lot by my friends at this age, as I got older I came into my own. Is this normal for this age or are we the exception?
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Post by finnmom on Apr 16, 2004 12:57:01 GMT -5
Camismom I think that is normal for adhdér to follew friend´s everywhere. my ds does that too, it´s propably mostly because low selfesteem. But yes, I know your feeling, it´s so worrying to think how far will he/she follow them, what will they do if asked  Peerpressure, seem´s like it move´s the world sometime´s  I think we get more of this because our kid´s are so funerable to pressure and so willing to get exsepted by other´s  Have to be really carefull monitoring them! I wish you luck with this  Marja |
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Post by AnneM on Apr 16, 2004 13:16:52 GMT -5
I have a book called "Get out of my life .. but first can you take me and Alex into town" ... which was written in England but I understand it has been "translated" into American and renamed "Get out of my life but first can you take me and Cheryl to the Mall" ...
... and this book certainly mentions this syndrome (follow the peers!) ... (It is also an EXTREMELY good book on teenagers as a whole in my opinion!) ...
Anyway... it specifically says that teenagers as a whole (NOT just adhd'ers) go through a stage where what their peers think is paramount ... it clouds over everything that they themselves think or anyone else (parents for example!) think ... I think this stage was described as around 12-13 ....
However, (and this is the good news) this LIFTS as they get a little older and they start thinking more as an individual and less of how the "crowd" thinks ...
Sam certainly seems to have fitted this description perfectly ... although peer opinions are still "important" they have nothing like the importance that they did a couple of years ago .... he really SEEMS to these days be thinking "on his own" ... but NOT so a couple of years ago ...
I think(based on both the book AND my own experiences with Sam) this is a period you have to "work through" and (eventually) ome out the other side!! ...
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Post by BBW4EVR1 on Apr 16, 2004 14:18:18 GMT -5
Oh, those pre-teen years of the female! I remeber mine--yuk! Just a suggestion, but when she talks about doing things (ie. the haircut) perhaps you could bring her around to thinking for herself by asking her something like "well, what do you think would look best on you?" Or make the suggestion that if she would like to try it short-and doesn't like it, the beautiful thing about hair is that it always grows back! I know you have probably thought of all of these things but just thought I would mention them anyway. Good Luck!  |
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Post by camismom on Apr 16, 2004 14:35:51 GMT -5
I'm not so much worried about it now as I realize this comes with the age. I know I was the same way when I was 12 & 13. That's also the time I gave my mom the most fits. I just hope (and Anne gave me a glimmer) that she does grow out of it. I wouldn't want someone to offer her a drink and her accept because she's afraid if if she doesn't they won't be her friend anymore, or a boy to ask for sex and her go along because she doesn't want to lose him. Y'all know what I mean. Believe me, i have had LONG talks with her about these very things and she insists that she won't. I just found it interesting the power friends have at this age...
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Post by Honeysmom on Apr 16, 2004 17:27:43 GMT -5
Christy, I also agree it is age, but I would also be cautious of how she sees you in the same situations. If she sees you making decisions based on what you like and not what others think is "cool" or whatever she will be more apt to do it herself. More than one time I have caught myself saying "what will so and so think??" Then I remember that I don't want my kids to worry about what their friends think, I want them to make choices for themselves. Just a thought....Becky |
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Post by HooDunnit on Apr 16, 2004 18:00:55 GMT -5
I homeschooled our ADHD-son when he was of middle-school age, but when he became a teenager and wanted to to go high school, I realized (because of things that I had read) that I would less direct influence on him than his peers. Their views would be golden. So what I did was try to determine who his peers were to begin with. I put him in a private Christian school with fewer drug addicts and criminals than the public schools. And I influenced his opportunities to socialize with peers outside of school. If it was someone I liked, then I would go out of my way to give rides, provide money, make it easy and so on. If it was someone that I didn't like, then I dragged my feet, saw problems and what not. He was a lot that way when he was 15 and 16. But ADHD children are often younger emotionally that non-ADHD children. So I have tended to hold him back in school, even though he has an A-average.
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Post by AnneM on Apr 17, 2004 3:32:28 GMT -5
Just to further support what Hoodunnit says ... YES... because of the influence and "power" that peers hold over our kids during the teenage years it really does become important WHO those peers are !! ... They can be a good or a bad influence.
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Post by Linda on Apr 17, 2004 9:16:26 GMT -5
Always Always ,keep your eyes open...I support what Barry and Anne has said.Paul is 16 and actually listens to what I say in comparison to 12 and 13.
I am glad you are keeping the lines of communication open with Cami...keep the talks going with her...It may appear she is not listening,but she is.
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Post by swmom on Apr 17, 2004 9:35:25 GMT -5
This kind of thing seems like it could be very helpful - if the friends are good kids and the things they do are good or - very bad if she's gotten in with the wrong crowd. Regardless, it is important I think for kids to learn how to make their own decisions. It's essential actually. Sounds like your challenge now is to build her self esteem in every way and if she makes a good decision about something, praise her for it.
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