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Post by amethist on Apr 9, 2004 11:21:32 GMT -5
what do you think about tuff love  I think am at the point with my daughter but I dont know how far to take it...any views on this? shelly. |
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Post by Linda on Apr 9, 2004 11:32:37 GMT -5
Shelly///I know your situation.....give more information so the members can help you.I know this is hard for you...but go for it...no one is going to pass judgement on you as a parent.
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Post by amethist on Apr 9, 2004 11:38:10 GMT -5
ok she has taken money out of my purse today luckey when I went to count it i knew it was missing when i asked her for it she continued to say she didnt take it. I finally got it back she thinks she did no wrong...ok so you tell me...what would you do?
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Post by Jorgy on Apr 9, 2004 11:40:24 GMT -5
How old is she? For me it would depend upon her age.
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Post by amethist on Apr 9, 2004 11:43:21 GMT -5
she is 18yrs she wont look for a job....but wants money to play with all the time we have stoped giving her money...and when she does go some where her friends pay for her....they all have jobs...makes no sense
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Post by Jorgy on Apr 9, 2004 11:57:28 GMT -5
Time for the cop shop and I would call ahead and give them a "heads up". Does she have chores at home to earn some money??? I guess I would scare the He## out of her! Sue
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Post by amethist on Apr 9, 2004 12:01:22 GMT -5
iam going to do the next best thing when her friends come or call iam going to let them know that she has done this and tell them you might want to warn your parents maybe her friends will see how she is and maybe that will be a wake up call to her.
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Post by BBW4EVR1 on Apr 9, 2004 12:19:00 GMT -5
Tough Love is really tough!! It is drastic measures taken to awaken and scare a young adult right to the core of their being. I don't think talking to her friends will do much good. What are the rules you have set for her? For example, what is her curfew? What is expected of her at home (ie. chores, etc.)? But most importantly does she abide by these rules? Now what I about to say is "tough love." If she doesn't obey curfew or the rules of the house (such as getting a job and not stealing your money), perhaps a changed lock on the door would be a good sign to her that in your house you follow your rules. Or perhaps, "stealing" some of her things would be a good lesson for her--or even stripping her bedroom down to the bare bones would make an impression on her. Empty her closets of all but a few outfits and tell her that since she believes she can stand on her own that she can buy her own clothes. The object of tough love is to make the offending person uncomfortable and scared. Perhaps she needs counseling-this could be a condition of her remaining under your roof. You need to make it impossible for her to live the way she wants to without her having an income. I know this is hard but at some point in our children's lives we all become the "enablers" that allow them to do the very things we complain about! Stand tall, stand firm, and don't relent!  |
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Post by AnneM on Apr 9, 2004 12:20:17 GMT -5
Hi Shelley... I think this does call for some "tuff love" ... maybe with a reminder that you are being tough BECAUSE you love her and that what she did was very wrong and she has to realise this ... in other words I think you should let her know WHY you are being tough...
Oh good luck Shelley ... please keep us posted....
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Post by Linda on Apr 9, 2004 12:32:45 GMT -5
I know shellys daughter and I like her....I have known her since she was about 5.There is no doubt in my mind she is an undiagosed ADHD'er.She is very compulsive...she thinks the rules are for other people and not her.
She is very personable,and has a lot going for her...but shelly has about had it.
Keep coming with the advice...she is listening!
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Post by ohmama on Apr 9, 2004 14:55:55 GMT -5
Tinkerbell,
I would not say anything to her friends. This is personal, between you and her.
Is she in school or taking any classes to learn a trade? If not, what does she do all day? What is she interested in? Does she have any job skills? Perhaps she needs something to focus on to stimulate her thinking about future employment. Could you sit with her and discuss (not lecture) the various opportunities and how she could earn some spending money? Try to get some feed back on what she likes. Let her know now that she is growing up she needs to learn that you will not supply this for her. Also, make sure she realizes you are there to help her but it's time for her to try to be more independent. That starts with learning a skill.
Sometimes with tuff love, parents draw up a written contract so it is very clear what the conditions are and what is expected from both of you. Things like curfew, chores, showing respect, doing her own laundry, maybe fixing dinner once a week, etc. There should also be consequences drawn up that you can stick to if any of the conditions are violated. Both of you should sign the contract.
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Post by HooDunnit on Apr 9, 2004 15:38:23 GMT -5
When my brother got married for the second time, he married a woman with six childen, all of whom were teenagers by then. When I ask her about this stage, she says, "Keep talking to them." Her daughters went through some pretty outrageous behavior, but they have all turned out reasonably well. One time she caught two of her girls going out the basement window -- they were going to run away to the west coast. One of those two actually did disappear for a few weeks after the carnival had been in town -- she ran away with the carnies. They are both accountants now. One is married and the other is divorced. One time that I was at my sister-in-law's house, I saw a parcel on the table from New Jersey. I said, "Who is that from?" It was from another one of the daughters. She had run away with a guy. Perhaps boys are easier to bring up than girls. My sister-and-law had four daughters and two boys. The daughters are now all responsible, well-adjusted women. One of the boys didn't turn out the best -- but his mother is still working on him. She is 71 now, and he is in his forties, and she is still talking to him. My mom also gives me a lot of loving advice -- and she is 89 (me 53)!! So I think that the thing to do is to keep talking -- try to see your daughter's side of things. I would manage my money so that it is not available for theft. ADHD children, if she is a bit that way, tend not to think of the consequences of things. As you say, rules are for other people. Perhaps she'd make a good policewoman -- and make others abide by the rules.
I'm not much for the tuff part. I think that it contradicts a parent's instincts. My ADHD son is 17 and 1/2 and will do nothing for other people unless he is begged or bribed. So I've just stopped doing anything for him. I've done that to reduce my own frustration level, because if I were doing things for him, and he was not reciprocating, I would feel angry. And I don't want to feel angry and can't afford for health reasons to feel angry. So I just mind my own business and let him be his own boss. He points out to me that he will be an adult (18) in a few months. As a developmental stage, to some extent he HAS to shuck me off, like an old skin. That is the only way that he can move on as himself. So I've given him more autonomy now. I can't protect him forever. He flies down the highway on his motorcycle, and I don't like that. But he wants to be on his own now. He needed my help when he was ten, and he will likely need my help again some day if I am still alive. But right now he wants to be his own boss. The last thing that I would get into with him would be a power struggle. I'm crafty, but I wouldn't win. Nature goes against that. Young people need to break free.
Is your daughter in grade twelve now, or has she graduated? From what Linda says, I think that she has a lot going for her. Perhaps she just needs to find her calling / launch her boat, so to speak. I would always go with love (not tough love) and what is positive. She probably has a lot to offer the world and just needs a way to fit in.
But I wouldn't give her any money, or leave her the opportunity to steal any. So I'd be tough in that sense. I recently took away some sets of keys from my 17-year-old -- keys to my car and keys to my business. If I were helping him in any way (beyond the basic needs of life) then I would expect something back. And he won't give anything, so neither do I. It's not punishment, but the preventive reduction of frustration. When he comes and talks to me now, it is usually because he is wanting something from me. Why else would he come? But that's OK. I just wait him out until he comes. Then I keep talking to him like my sister-in-law advises. Because I'm not angry at him, I LOVE to talk to him!!
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Post by ohmama on Apr 9, 2004 17:20:20 GMT -5
Don't know how I could have left this out of my earlier post.... If you find that you are "loosing yourself", as in it's hard to know where you stop and she starts, then you need to step back and seperate yourself from the situation. There is a real danger of becoming what I have heard called co-dependent. Maybe it would help if you got some outside counseling to help you deal with the frustration. I imagine it can be overwhelming. To love someone and not be able to help them.
If she is so rebellious that she will steal money from you then you would do well to consider what else is happening? I think if you have any influence over her at all you should make sure she is on birth control. I don't have to tell you the consequences of being naive with this subject. You may not be able to solve many things but this should be given top priority.
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Post by Jorgy on Apr 9, 2004 17:30:36 GMT -5
Also not mentioned here is the "trust" factor. She broke your trust and has to earn it back. She will always have your love but she doesn't always have to have your friendship or trust. Those things have to be earned in this life. Good luck and my prayers are with you....stand tough Sue
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Post by amethist on Apr 9, 2004 17:33:54 GMT -5
and yes I know she is 18 but being 18 comes with resposiblities and she is showing none.
all we hear from her is how she is 18 and she can do what she wants not knowing that the things she is doing is wrong.
I can relate to you (hoodunnit) I have been doing things for her that she should of been taking care of.. well time to cut the string she needs to figure out how to survive on her own.
her dad and I have gave her reasonable curfew hours and she still thinks that she shouldnt have any.. she too busey putting her friends on the top of the list instead of looking at what she should be doing.
When she is ready to change her ways then maybe I would be willing to talk to her but she has to figure it out for herself we have given her chance after chance and she still does what she wants....and as for the contracts she signed 2 in school and violated both so having one of those at home would be useless she has to be willing to change for anything to work for her.
and yes she shows signs ADHD but again she is 18 I could suggest to her to go to a doctor and have the test runned but if she not willing then I cant force her most of you have had these test done on your children when they were young when you were able to make the choice. and not onely that my husband self employed so insurance is a issue there. maybe when things cool down I will bring it up and see where it leads me.
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