Crossing the line?

[Honeysmom]

I have a little strange and a little embaressing friendship question to ask.

I have a very, very good male friend. We see him about once or twice a month and at least once a month he comes to stay at our house with his son for the weekend. He is everything you would want in a friend. His personality is a little different, he is painfully shy, takes no interest in if he looks attractive, (I'm trying to marry him off and he is not cooperating) and extremely insecure, and IMHO very depressed.

The problem is that he has a huge crush on me. Everyone knows he does. He rents our old house with my SIL, from my in-laws and they think this is hilarious. In fact, whenever it comes up they either joke about it, or get really serious saying that he loves me.

I love him too, but not in the same way. We talk on the phone 2 or 3 times a week and it is always about our kids or his roomate and landlords or he is calling to tell me some impending plan that my in-laws are trying to put together and warn me. I still want him to be my best friend, and this really bothers me. He is the one person, other than DH, that I can count on no matter what. I can't begin to explain how he has been there for me.

I don't know what to do. It is getting so obvious and I feel like I am giving him the wrong idea by continuing our friendship. Like I said, I know that I am one of his few true friends, and he is very fragile (for lack of a better word) emotionally.

He has never done anything inapproiate or tried any funny business, nor do I think he ever would. But I do feel uncomfortable, especially since I am married. DH by the way thinks it is funny to laugh about my "boyfriend."

Any suggestions??

[ohmama]

A friend who is in love with you or has a crush on you wants to be more than a friend. That line has already been crossed by him in his view of you. His heart is now involved in a way that can only be hurtful. He has lost his sense of boundary.

It sounds like you are already taken? Then you need to set him straight in a tactful way. To do any less would be to lead him on. This is what a real friend would do.

[Honeysmom]

Oh Mamma, thanks so much for the reply. That is what I also thought, but I was hoping there would be an easier way. I hate having to do this kind of thing. It is always uncomfortable. I hope it comes off gracefully. I definately have to think about how and what I am going to say to him.

I want to stick with my old standy by, pretend it is not happening and then it isn't/won't. AKA denial...

[HooDunnit]

There is a whole field of psychology now entitled Evolutionary Psychology which discusses this sort of thing -- the differing reproductive strategies of human males and females and other animals. David Buss is one author that is interesting to read. The fact that you would like to marry him off yet retain him as a best friend raises red flags. It indicates that you have an interest in him at some level or other.

Barry

[Honeysmom]

Barry, I want to marry him off so he will be happy. I do not want to keep him or be reason of failed relationships. I want to keep him as a best friend b/c he is fun and we get along great. I may have used the term best friend incorrectly. DH is my best friend, the other guy is my favroite of all the rest of my friends. Does that make sense?

If I was a fairy god-mother I would create the perfect person for him to be happy with. Usually what happens is that when he finds a girlfriend he makes it a point to let them know that he and I are friends. Then the other girl gets the wrong idea. I do not interfere in the relationship at all. They only time I interferred in one of his relationships was when a girl he dated was hitting his son when he was not there and when his son would tell she would say the boy was lying and the poor kid would get punished for it. Then she would tell us that she couldn't wait until they were married some day so she could put a stop to his visitation b/c the boy was interferring on my friend's time with the new girl. But I felt I had a duty of some sort to speak up on that one. I would've for any other firend.

If he meets someone he likes I want that person to be his best friend. I just want to be a friend.

Does that make any sense? Probably not, but it does to me.

[HooDunnit]

Yes, I think that makes sense. Your husband is your mate and your best friend (in the stronger sense of the phrase). You would like to see this other person happily married and still a friend.

Barry

[AnneM]

Oh this is difficult!! ... I absolutely do not know what to suggest for the best here ... (Just wishing I did!! ) ... I am torn between it being kinder to sit him down and talk to him OR just continuing to be his "friend" (but of course not letting him ever think it is more) ...

I am sorry Honeymom ... I am really stuck here ... !! I think his "infatuation" will die out with time anyway as he comes to realise that this really is "just friendship" or alternatively it can be "nipped in the bud"... which is kinder?? ... I just am not sure!!

[Honeysmom]

Barry--Yes! Now why couldn't I say it that easy??

Anne, that is my delimma. I think I am going to have to go with what Oh Mamma said, I just have to figure out how.