Just blowing off steam

[losingmysanity]

This is my first post. ..
I dont know even where to begin. I have a 9 1/2 year old son that has ADD and mild Tourettes. I also have a 5 1/2 year old son. My older son just cant stand the younger one and is so rude and bossy with him.
Every time the younger one tries to connect with him
he rejects him. Wont even let him touch anything of his.
Now they battle constantly. Its such a nightmare.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.... all day. My eldest also fights with both his Dad and me. You just cant tell him anything without him fighting about it. To top it off, he's nice to everyone else, and when we have company is good in front of them, so that everyone thinks its us that is nuts or bad parents! They just never see that side of him. He is on Concerta (12 hour ritalin) and Risperdal at the moment. My husband really cant handle
being with my son in the same room, and the atmosphere in the house has become a war zone. It has started to come between my husband and me, and I'm more and more thinking that I will leave him sometime in the future. Dont get me wrong, I cant handle being in the same room as my son very often either, but my husband stews about it for hours, whereas I can blow it off when the situation is over.
I wanted to have kids so bad, and now that I have them my life has just become a nightmare. I dont have family or friends who I can talk to about this either.
Has anyone else separated from their spouse because of their childs ADD? Did it make your life better or worse? My son just worships his Dad. I dont think it would work out very good, but I cant stand to see what its doing to our family either. To top it off, my son and I are not that close. We adopted him at 2 yrs of age from Russia, and he's always been drawn to his Dad and I just couldnt seem to get close to him.
I guess thats enough ! I feel better "just blowing off the steam".

[catseye]

Wow that is alot to handle!!

I am in a step family situation, and it is my sd that has adhd (plus dissorder of the week!! LOL)... Sd is very violent, and aggressive... Even when she was 2 years old (when I met her), she would get in a fit if you tried to pick her up removing her from something she wanted... Sd "used" (sometimes still does but not as bad) to choke me, she would grab my throat and squeeze hard too... I wasnt the only "victim" so at least I know it isnt a "step monster" thing... LOL

There was a point last year, where I really considered my options, of takeing my bs2 and just leaving... In my situation though I couldnt do it, and ALOT of it has to do with my guilt of doing that to sd... Before she was 2 years old, her mom left with no contact for 3 years... Then suddenly her mom wanted back in sd's life, right before my son(2) was born... Anyway I felt sd had been abandoned by one mom, I cant imagine what it would do to her if she felt abandoned by another... I figured it would just make things worse...

I stuck it out, we seem to have the anger, violence etc at least in semi control... Not perfect, but much better... We got sd into councelling, and with the councelling my husband and I got ALOT of benefit from it... We both learned/ are learning still behavior mods, and ways to control our emotions also... I dont know if your husband would try this or not, but I would wager a guess it is worth it to ask him to try councelling...

BTW sd8 and bs2 fight constantly also... Why did we want children so bad again?? I forget lol

Good luck whatever route you choose, but remember if you do choose to leave, the affects on your son COULD be worse... If thats at all possible... I feel for these kids in these situations, cant be easy for them...

cat

p.s. blow off steam anytime!!!

[eaccae]

I did go through that with my husband. DS and DH are the same person. And they could NOT be in the same room together. At points it became apparent that DH was favoring DD. We had long fights because DH didn't see that. Granted DS wasn't an angel but DH got to the point where he way overreacted to things and DS knew how to push his buttons. It looked a lot like DS didn't respect DH and didn't treat him like me or anyone else.

After many talks - we sat down and went through a plan. I would be the disciplinarian and DH would NOT dole out a punishment so that I became the bad guy. I was always forgiven and he wasn't. Also we decided that the two of them would start doing something together - whether it was a movie or going somewhere fun together. It was always hit or miss - DS would inevitably do something to piss DH off. I told DH he was being tested and he had to hold out and reminded him who was the child and who was the adult. Patience was his responsibility. It took awhile - like over a year - but things are so much better. There still isn't the normal father son relationship there but for a change there IS a relationship. Maybe the two of you can sit down and go over a plan? Does he know how you feel? I think you really have to sit down with no children and let him know you are really feeling like this and something has to be done. I don't know. He has to agree to whatever it is you decide. It's hard with men alot - even though DH has ADHD and is the SAME as DS - he just couldn't/can't see it. I think most men(not all men) have much less patience and tolerance then women. (That doesn't apply to you Miles or Ralph) ;D

Good luck! And remember you can always vent here. Sometimes even doing that helps you get through the day!

[HooDunnit]

I think that your husband has to own up to his responsibility to love and nourish the development of his adopted son. Although he can't stand being in the same room with him, I think that when he IS in the same room with him, he has to try to be patient. I read a book recently entitled The Power of Patience by M.J. Ryan which is quite good in that regard. As someone suggested, maybe they could have some fun activities together. But mainly, I think that he needs to examine his attitude towards this son. Is he prepared to love him and work for him, or not?

[savvymom1]

I can totally relate. My two daughters, ages almost 13 and 9, fought constantly until the last year or so. I don't know why it has improved slightly, but it has. Maturity?

It is hard when your husband isn't on the same page with you. Mine is usually patient with the girls, but he sees them getting my goat over and over. When I finally reach the boiling point and snap at them, he acts like I'm the worst parent in the world. I'm only human and I know he is being unreasonable. I'm not happy the way things are going, but can't imagine how I'd handle things on my own. They behave much better for him.

My girls are adopted too. Both were newborns and born in this country. I too, wanted children so badly. But I gotta' tell you--this is NOT what I signed up for! They are so much harder to deal with than most of my friend's kids. I love them so much, but wish life were easier.

Prayers,
Judy

[losingmysanity]

Thanks for all the advice....
It is hard dealing with my son, but his father is just as bad if not worse. When we married he was a real happy guy, always joking, whistling, clowning. Man did he change.
He acts just like a child himself and its totally ruining our marriage. If my son does something or says something he doesnt like, he sometimes wont talk to him for the rest of the evening. When I tell him how can we expect our son to act more rational if he acts so irrational himself, he just says that he is not going to let him get away with it. So on and on it goes. Most nights he sits downstairs, and I sit on the main floor now.
Anyway, this is supposed to be ADHD forum not divorce forum right?? So I will over time I will have to work out whether or not it would be best for me and the kids to just leave, or try to get him to shape up. My son is only on 18 mg of Concerta, I really wish they would up it. He was on 30 mg of Ritalin at one point, but the Tics got really bad and we had to reduce the med. I've been trying flax seed oil, 1 tsp a day for almost six weeks but havent seen any improvements.... have just bought some calcium magnesium supplement and will try giving him that twice a day ... i think it has 330 mg magnesium per caplet it I remember right. Has anybody else heard of blue green algae (spirolina)? I saw an article that said that it was good for ADD. He's also been taking that for about 6 weeks now too.

[GSDMommy]

I know where you are coming from.....it isn't fun. I think we all have to remember that DH doesn't like being this way either. I know from experience that things get heated between dad and child easily. When dad is ADHD <read: low frustration threshold> and son is ADHD <multiple disgnoses as well> and has father issues from his bio-jerk it makes things interesting for both. They are both growing and learning and it gets messy. Our situation has been rocky with my son's behavior and he is not doing well now either, but my DH got meds and it has helped him get control of the dynamic from his side of things. Please keep in mind though: we cannot take the responsibility from the child for the situation. The child needs to know what is acceptable as far as how to treat dad too. I think the psychology profession is made up of some people who haven't lived this reality who try this "goodness and light" approach too often. They tend to brainwash you into thinking that if you get frustrated and tired <and reactionary> that you are flawed. One thing I keep in mind with the whole thing: these children are not gaining anything if their world is made to put up with and accommodate their behaviors. No matter what the diagnosis, they will go out into a world that doesn't care. There are more parents out there who are good and loving and do their best who get railroaded and shut down by the system and destroyed because they aren't always teflon coated to a kid's aggression/ abuse/ etc.

DH may feel like he is alone in this situation. Have you tried to let him vent and go through his process? Or does he get yelled at for his behaviors? I found that when I changed my tack, that it made DH feel safer venting to me and getting rid of the resentment that grows in situations like this. When he felt safe telling me how he was feeling, he felt safe hearing alternative ways to handle things. It was less attacking and more nurturing. Sometimes just being there to listen helps too.

I hope you find a counselor who listens to you as well as your child, that is invaluable! I have such a counselor now and it has been 10 years before I found her! Look around and talk to people and see who they like. Shop around, because if the counselor doesn't help you as well as the child, it isn't going to work out well.

Best of luck!