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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 22, 2005 11:59:06 GMT -5
WELL, this afternoon is the second family therapy session with our new therapist. We, especially me, worked hard on the tips we were given last session, to no avail. DS worked on his end of the deal, mmmmmm, maybe 1/2 day. It sure made me sticking to it more difficult. Hopefully the therapist has had time now to digest the load we dumped on him on the first session. It has to be overwhelming even for him. DS is NO better with his behavior.....and I'm SO tired. Just yesterday I called him from the front porch to come in and do his homework (his teacher does NOT give tons of it), and he shouted at ME..."NO!!!" from at least five houses away. I politely walked back into the house....I'm not having a shouting match with him in front of all the neighbors. He came in to do it about 30 min. later when he saw his father drive up. THAT makes me feel terrible, that we've not even started homework before he gets home from the office. HE is tired!!! Anyway, I'll let ya know if this doc has anymore words of wisdom.......stay tuned!
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Post by Kaiti on Mar 22, 2005 13:40:26 GMT -5
I don't know it would do more harm than good, but I would have called for him to do his homework, adn if he told me NO, go down and drag him kicking and screaming back home.
I have had to do that walking out of the school with Mikey and Tara before, it's not pretty, but it got the point across that I mean business. It might help to explain to him at the time that you gave him his directions and your not going to be told no for everything.
Good luck with your appointment
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Post by AnneM on Mar 22, 2005 14:55:50 GMT -5
 StrugglingAgain ... This really got me thinking ... about what I personally would have done in the same circumstances .. i.e. being given a direct NO like that over the homework ... and being left with a choice to have a row right out there on the street OR to keep your own dignity and 'leave it' for now and I am just not sure !! ... I honestly am not sure WHICH I would have done.... which is a pretty pathetic answer but I sincerely do not know  Either way this is NOT an easy situation .... I am used to 'negotiation' and 'heated discussions' but a direct 'No' is far trickier ... I wish you lots and lots of luck tomorrow .... I really hope things head in the right direction with this new guy !! ... Last week it did sound positive but then I guess sooooo much can 'sound' positive in theory ... but sometimes in practice it just isn't the same thing!! GOOD LUCK!! Let us know how it goes PLEASE!
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Post by Linda on Mar 22, 2005 19:38:40 GMT -5
Kaiti....I am with you....been there...S/A...What" tactics " :odoes your dh take with your son?It sounds like ds cares more what dad has to say.
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mothercat
Member Emeritus
With a little luck and a lot of Gods help anything is possible!
Posts: 1,468
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Post by mothercat on Mar 22, 2005 19:55:45 GMT -5
I agree with Kaiti...no need for yelling..just walk up the street and drag him home. Nothin like a little embarrassment in front of friends to make him listen and obey next time. ( he wouldn't want to relive it. )
AND if it were mine ..he wouldn't see the outside after school for a very long time. He seems to want a shouting match and I sure wouldn't give him what he wants. Believe me the neighbors will respect you more if you act than they do if you dont. AND when his father came home there would be penalties to pay (after his father has a chance to relax a bit)
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Post by mskris on Mar 23, 2005 13:55:12 GMT -5
Ditto what Kaiti and Mothercat said. I'd have walked over, taken him by the arm, and MADE him do what I said. I have had to do this with both my kids, add and not. Gotta show 'em you mean what you say.
Kris
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Post by finnmom on Mar 23, 2005 15:03:20 GMT -5
I agree with Kaiti. Motjercat and Kris too. I will not take a no for an answer, I would have gone to him, and get him back home, giving him exactly 2 choise´s: to do the homework with me being there if he need´s help, or not to do the hmework and be forced to explain to theacher why he hasnt done those(I would have told the theacher aexactlöy how sho should have responded to the too  ) I know it´s quite hard with bigger kid, but you cant let him walk over you like that, it´s eather now or never. Make him understand that you mean bisness  Get him back home, make him understand that you´re getting the harder aprach to him and it´s going to last!!! Please, dont get offended, it´s not my meaning, I know it´s not easy, but believe me, it´s gonna make live much easier once they realize MOM RULE`S; IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 23, 2005 17:37:03 GMT -5
I know all of you mean well. You see, I used to do that. I'd pick him up kicking and screaming and get him back to the house. The neighbors even applauded! This year, he's bigger, older, stonger and I weigh barely over 100 lbs. I couldn't pick him up now if my life depended on it.
Yesterday the therapist gave me this tip. First of all he said we have to keep trying till we find something that works and I agreed. He said the next time there's something like that, get into the car and leave. I'll have to enlist the help of the neighbor to keep an eye on him so nothing happens to him, but the therapist said the longer I could stay away, the better. Then ds would have to explain to his father when he came home from the office why mom wasn't home! He said ds needs to understand that what he says and does is hurtful and mean and that I don't have to tolerate it.
Now, I don't know what to think. The other therapist said he needs to know he can ALWAYS count on me being there. Of course, that's what I've BEEN doing and his behavior is getting nothing but worse. I guess I can give this a try and see what happens. The neighbor said she'd do anything to help me.
The sleeping on the floor in our bedroom in a sleeping bag is definitely separation anxiety. He said usually there's something that precipitated it. For the life of me I can't think what it would be. He's been like this since he could walk. He always wants to know where I am, where I'm going, who I'm talking to, etc. Even when he's outside playing, he periodically comes in to see what I'm doing. When he's at someone's house he calls me. SO we have to still work on this.
At least this therapist is giving me something to TRY. The other just sat there listening, offering no help. After a year and a half, I finally (DUH!) told DH I wasn't going to that weasel anymore, thus this new one.
I'll keep ya posted on events here. We'll see how any of this works. We have another appointment in a week. Thanks for caring about us.
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Post by Linda on Mar 23, 2005 19:41:29 GMT -5
You know that kind of makes sense. When Paul was younger and had his little "fits" I would walk away from him and lock myself in the bedroom. To this day he can not stand it when I give him the silent treatment ;D ;D
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Post by finnmom on Mar 23, 2005 23:58:29 GMT -5
SA, I think this has some sence; I did leave the room and shut the (bathroom) door when ds was younger ( and I still do that to his little sibling´s) when thing´s got overwhelming. I can see the point in here and if you can count your neighbour keeping an eye on him... do it!!! (btw; tg of mobilephone´s, you can keep in thouch with your neighbour so easily, so you´llget to know if there is any trouble´s) You´re not abandoning him even though you will not tolerate this negative behaviour. It´s a different thing to be there to suppport him and to be the junkyard of his feeling´s. I tell my kid´s that I will always love them and be there for them, BUT I do not like all the behaviour they give and therefore I have to set some rule´s for them... so far it has been working...kind a.... well ..... good enough |
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Post by AnneM on Mar 24, 2005 16:27:02 GMT -5
Struggling Again .... TRY IT please!! ... It could just make the difference you want it to !! ... and especially with a good neighbour who is prepared to help you out on this cunning plan!! ...
I really personally like the sound of this guy !! I also like the fact he is giving you some positive 'plan of action' and not being wishy-washy as you say the last one was!! ...
I am certain (looking back) that Sam suffered from a certain amount of separation anxiety too .... when he was younger he HATED me being away and in those days I did go away for work at least once every couple of months ... he also hated me going out in the evenings and leaving him ...
These days at nearly 17 this is OBVIOUSLY not in any way such an issue but SOME of it I think is still there ... I can go NOWHERE without a phone call from Sam !! .. (no sorry ... often MORE than one phone call from Sam!! - often two or three phone calls!) ... 'What time will you be home?' ... 'Where are you?" ... 'How long will you be?" are still common questions BUT not NEARLY SO restricting as when he was younger!!
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Post by Linda on Mar 24, 2005 17:28:17 GMT -5
OMG Anne not you too.....and may I add one......what took you so long to answer your phone?
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Post by AnneM on Mar 25, 2005 11:59:20 GMT -5
 YES !!! I forgot that one Linda .... and IF ... IF you missed the call altogether and they call again you get an indignant 'Where were you? ...I've been trying really hard to call you!'
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Post by Linda on Mar 25, 2005 12:46:43 GMT -5
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Post by GSDMommy on Mar 30, 2005 8:01:12 GMT -5
Hey everyone.....sorry for being gone so long, life got "interesting" again! How old is your son, STrugglingAgain? That can change your options drastically! My oldest and second oldest are kinda like that as well. SOmething else to note, they are also both bipolar and ADHD. Does this behavior happen in cycles? Does it seem like he is more possessive at certain times? Does he tend to suddenly go on sugar feeding frenzies? I have had the flat "NO" response and my reaction became <Lord knows it didn't start here ;-) > "OK, then this will need to change some things and some privileges around here...." Something else worth noting, the whole "I'd never do this with Dad" bit seems to be standard fare for this group :-(. Dad always is He Who Must Be Obeyed. Dunno if it the whole thing that Dad's can/will eat their young if necessary <just joking here!>........ Any which way you cut this mess, it stinks!!! I am sorry you have to go through this, it's icky. Pardon the psychological terminology there ;-) Hang in there! |
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