Need advice to arm myself

[aimee30]

Today was my DD's 3rd appt with the counselor at the psych office. The very 1st appt her dad, my XH, was there. He had expressed to me that he wouldn't be able to attend most of the appts from then on. So I haven't bothered to tell him when she went. I did have to get with him on the insurance, (making sure he had gotten preapproval for today's appt). He got mad and said he hadn't been to 3 appts. (She needed to see the counselor 3 times before seeing the psych.) So I made sure he knew about today's appt. Of course he didn't show and the counselor started out by informing me that he had called earlier this week.

She said that he told her again that there was no problem and that she is a perfect "angel" when she is with him (every other weekend). He told her again how he doesn't agree with meds. Wanted to know what would happen if he shows up at our next appt, May 12th and says he doesn't want her medicated. The counselor couldn't answer that. She couldn't for me either. I am assuming that he will be there then and will voice his opinion on not wanting her on anything. I don't know what will happen.

Is there anything I can do to help show him that medicating isn't going to harm her? Anything would be appreciated. I just want what's best for DD and if that is medicating then so be it. I want her to excel in school which she isn't doing. I just don't know what to do.

Do any of you have advive? Do any of you know of any websites where I could get something in black and white to show him? Should I keep my mouth shut at the appt and just speak to the psych? Thanks all!

[ohmama]

I would not bother to try to educate him. Do you have reason to believe he would listen to you? He wants to call the shots? Ok, do this....

Tell him you are very glad to see he is showing concern for his daughter. He may be right and you would be willing to investigate alternative treatments with a reputable clinic that works with these disorders or perhaps a privet practice doctor that does Orthomolecular medicine. Ask him very nicely if he would please look into his insurance covering these costs. There is the Pfeifer Institute in the Chicago area that is well known for using alternative treatments. It would require air travel if your not in Illinois and hotel stays. But don't worry, it could probably be handled in just a few trips. Also, you would be glad to have him come along to be sure the clinic is doing what he wants.

To find a doctor that uses Orthomolecular medicine you can email the International Society for Orthomolecular Medicine to find one in your area. [e-mail] or see the website www.orthomed.org for more information. Tell him since this is something he is firm on you would like it if he found the doctor he would prefer. The whole thing shouldn't cost more than $3,000 to $5,000. Tell him you're very excited about this prospect and thank him for being so concerned.

Oh, almost forgot. If you live closer to the west coast there is the Amen Clinic. They take brain scans and do a complete diagnosis. This starts at $3,000. and that cost does not include treatment. They are willing to work with using natural alternatives or medication as you choose. Once the initial intake evaluation takes place it is $300. an hour to see the doctor. The cost of the natural alternatives of course is much more (also not covered by insurance). The Clinic is seldom covered by insurance, but that's ok with you because you only want the best and tell him you know that's what he wants too.

[aimee30]

You're right, he would never listen to me. He hasn't yet so why start now. I had mentioned to him before about trying the feingold diet and starting DD on supplements. He didn't want any part of it so I don't think he would agree to the orthomolecular med either. Besides he wouldn't want to pay for that. (He is responsible for half of any out of pocket expenses over $100).

He just doesn't want to see the problem. He has even mentioned trying to take custody of her since "there is no problem when she is with him".

I don't know how effective it would be to try to do the supplements and diet if she was going over there every other weekend and he wasn't doing it. I also don't know how she will do if we put her on meds and he refuses to give them to her when there. I just hope the psych can give us our dx and help me to see what I need to do for her.

[catseye]

I am glad I read this before I went to bed! (after just chatting with you)... I assume you both have joint legal custody? and have shared decision makeing responcibilities? Usually I believe the custodial parent gets the final say in that though...

It is very hard to convince anyone who does not want to be convinced... Heck I wasnt convinced that my sd needed medicaiton till I saw the improvements in her... Maybe if you approach it as a more lets at least try this way he would be more accepting?

Did the teacher suggest medication? or the adhd? Maybe the teacher could help advocate it....

Depending on the medication you use, some can be specifically for school days... Maybe if it is school only he will fly with it? Just a few ideas...Good luck!

[aimee30]

We do have joint legal custody and this is the first big decision we have had to make. This is the first time he has been interested in anything to do with either one of the kids.

I have still been weighing the meds bit. I guess I want to talk to the psych before I give a definate "Yeah let's try meds".

The teacher didn't suggest meds but the school counselor did. She didn't actually suggest the ADHD either. I went in for a conference with her and expressed my concerns (already had an appt with the counselor set and wanted to know what the teacher saw before I went in to the counselor). We have had several meetings and phone conferences since and she says she really thinks DD is ADHD. Of course I do too. Since I started my research on ADHD I am positive DD is ADHD. Sometimes I think she may be ODD too. I have brought that up with the counselor but she doesn't talk much about that. Guess I will bring that up with the psych.

I just hope we can all come to an agreement on the correct treatment. I wonder too if it came down to court how a judge would rule? I hope it doesn't go that far but if it does the school has already told me they are behind me 100%. At least I have them in my corner.

[jdmom]

I think "if it came down to it", as you say, that a judge would follw a doctor's diagnosis. Your ex cannot say that there is nothing wrong with your child, when she has been diagnosed by a doctor! Unless, of course, he has gone through 12+ years of schooling to become a doctor!
I would just try to talk reasonably with your ex and talk him into a "trial period". Tell him to agree to cooperate for an X amount of time, and then tell him that if there is no noticable improvement in that amount of time, then you will "seek other options".
If you only have concerns with school, and her behavior at home is not a factor, explain to him that you could use the short acting forms of meds only during school days.
Has he visited with anyone at school? Tell him that if he isn't going to participate totally in the "investigation process", then he has no say in the final decision. Then, be sure to invite him to EVERY meeting with the schools and doctors and keep a journal of the dates and times of invites and note his absences, just in case things get nasty later.

[Linda]

Anything else happening Aimee? Just remember you have our support.

[aimee30]

Nothing new going on. Just playing the waiting game. Our appt is May 12th. Guess we'll see what happens then.

Thanks Linda. It's great to know I have you all to turn to.