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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 3, 2005 15:50:53 GMT -5
Rather than go into all that is a precursor to this...does anyone here go to "family" therapy sessions because of the ADHD? I refuse to go to the child psychologist any longer that we've been seeing. SO I've lined up a family therapist, but I don't know if I should have done that.
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Post by Linda on Mar 3, 2005 16:08:00 GMT -5
Based on everything that has gone on with you and your son I think you have made a wise choice.
Besides who wants to stay with a Doctor that is not helping. Good Luck to you....Linda
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Post by AnneM on Mar 3, 2005 16:33:12 GMT -5
We haven't done this but it sounds like a very positive thing ... GOOD GOOD LUCK!!  |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 3, 2005 16:43:20 GMT -5
My ds9 is getting totally out of control. I worked and worked yesterday trying to find a different therapist, but obviously this whole area is messed up because they are booked for MONTHS! In months, no tellin' what kind of shape we'd be in. I DO hate starting from scratch with the ,"Are you consistent?", "Do the parents back each other up?", "Do you follow through with what you threaten?".....blah, blah, blah. Oh I know it's necessary, but we've been doing this for five years now and I hate starting at the beginning. I just picked ds up from school and it starts AGAIN. He never has a civil word to say and never, ever obeys a command no matter what it is. They tell me "pick your battles"...well, they are ALL battles. My friends don't want to come around because it hurts them too much to hear the way he talks to me. 'Can't say as I blame them. It's all getting worse instead of better. I'm sure that it could partly be that his meds need changing.....BUT he's civil to everyone BUT me, so that sounds like a different problem to me.
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Post by kstquilter on Mar 3, 2005 16:48:37 GMT -5
we've been trying to do family therapy but everyone's work and school schedule have made it impossible at this point in time.
my non-adhd ds has such anger issues towards his dad and his adhd sister in particular. him and i get along pretty well.
however dd and i don't do so well. i assume some of it is the normal mother/daughter issues.
i do understand that awful tone of voice, tho. the kids use it with each other and ds uses it with his dad. i truly don't know how it got so awful and he doesn't have adhd, maybe it's a father/son thing as ds is 16.
good luck and hope someone is able to help you. i do understand how awful it can get.
karen
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 3, 2005 16:54:31 GMT -5
I think that's one of my biggest fears. If he's talking to me that way now, what's it going to be when he's a teenager? He's just a little boy and has ZERO respect for me and I don't know how we got to this point. I SO want to make a difference in his life so that he won't end up in prison like his bio father. I guess we're going to find out who wins... "nature versus nurture".
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Post by Kaiti on Mar 3, 2005 19:47:59 GMT -5
SA, sorry to see things slipping. What does he do if you ignore his negative behavior (I know what you are thinking.....he isn't always negative tho  )Does he reach the breaking point and snap, or boil up and explode in a little while? |
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Post by Linda on Mar 3, 2005 20:09:18 GMT -5
I think nurture will win out. It is interesting though that he is just that way with you. I think it is because he feels "safe". I hope you find someone soon |
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Post by Kaiti on Mar 3, 2005 21:34:39 GMT -5
I agree with Linda....you are his safe zone that he knows will always be there for him. Thinking about it ???Step back from your parameters. What do you see as something that you could change? Don't see them from YOUR point of view, see them from my point of view. What do you think might be able to be done differently that might have an effect? I am not in your shoes, so I don't know what has worked and what hasn't. I know that it is tough to look at the whole picture, but try that. When I step back from situations at work and see what I did and what I should have done, it makes me take a look at things :-Xand sometimes change my approach |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 3, 2005 21:58:28 GMT -5
Good idea, Kaiti. I guess part of the problem is I DO stand back and say to myself, "What needs to be done here to rectify this problem?" THEN, I realize that just about anyone else in my shoes would blister his buns or wash his mouth out with soap and then he'd quit. I've DONE that, and it got me no where, so I don't do it anymore. The flip side of this is that he hugs and kisses me over and over. He has separation anxiety and sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag in my bedroom beside MY side of the bed, trying to hold my hand. I just plain do NOT get it! Yes, maybe I'm his safe zone, but this kind of verbal abuse is tearing me up when it never lets up. He does it over and over and over. The only remorse he has is if he catches me crying and then he's nice for.....an hour.
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Post by AnneM on Mar 4, 2005 13:52:06 GMT -5
I think that's one of my biggest fears. If he's talking to me that way now, what's it going to be when he's a teenager? He's just a little boy and has ZERO respect for me and I don't know how we got to this point. I SO want to make a difference in his life so that he won't end up in prison like his bio father. I guess we're going to find out who wins... "nature versus nurture". Struggling Again I picked up on this because when my son Sam was younger I used to fear for the teenage years ... !! .. When he got to age 13 we reached the "lowest ebb" ... and I was honestly worried for the future of my child and also for his relationship with me and his Dad. However, 14 was sooo much better .... 15 was better again ... and he is now 16 (and will be 17 in June) and he is (somehow!) a hard working, college attending kid whom I and his Dad honestly get on with pretty darn well (or at least 'most' of the time!!) ... Nobody ... and I mean NOBODY could put in more effort than you are doing .... you have done (and are doing) every possible thing you can .... I also hope and believe that nurture will win over nature ... |
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Post by StrugglingAgain on Mar 4, 2005 14:10:58 GMT -5
Oh, how I pray you're right. Our other two children were never disobedient or mouthy or rebellious. I have friends who have said they could hardly believe how well we got along with our seventeen year old son and what a beautiful, intelligent young woman we raised. I'm know we're doing all that can be done, but when it feels like nothing works, one can't help but feel like a failure. Even when we go to the therapist(s), it takes months for even one small thing to improve. I lose sight of it all. I'm SO grateful for this forum to be able to bounce topics around......making the hurt just a tad less. Thanks.
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Post by AnneM on Mar 4, 2005 15:06:49 GMT -5
I am glad that being here helps ... I see what you said about the separation anxiety .... and it is definitely interesting that YOU are the one whom he seeks to be near but ALSO the one who he pushes away with bad treatment ... I agree with Kaiti and the fact that you are his "safety zone" and that he KNOWS he can get away with ANYTHING and you will still accept him ... I am guessing that he doesn't feel this "safety" zone with anybody else in the world ... and hence YOU are (unfortunately) the one who will get the worst of it ... (as well as the best perhaps on other occasions?) ... Add to this the disorders that he was undoubtedly born with ... give him a very secure safety net (YOU) ... and I can see how some of these problems could arise ... BUT if you tried to take away your "safety net" the consequences could be totally disasterous !! .. Struggling Again ... I quite honestly think you are AMAZING ... One day your ds will look back and say "I gave my Mom such a tough time ... but through it all she never lost faith in me and never gave up on me!" ... |
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Post by Linda on Mar 4, 2005 15:14:09 GMT -5
NEVER... EVER... THINK YOU ARE A BAD MOM ::)YOU ARE NOT...YOU ARE DOING ALL YOU CAN DO.PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT |
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Post by savvymom1 on Mar 4, 2005 16:15:55 GMT -5
Struggling again, I can so relate!!! My 10 year old daughter does the exact thing to me!
This morning she called me every mean name she could think of (during a 30 minute period) while getting ready for school. I am so tired of her name calling. I am like you, I have done the spanking, and serious talks, taking away computer time and tv time but nothing works.
She doesn't do this to anyone else. Why??? I am not a push over but I am at the end of my rope with her. My husband doesn't back me up (he says I've got to make her stop on my own terms) and my oldest (add) dd has never acted this way towards me.
In our case it only happens in the mornings before her meds kick in. I try to tell myself that since I know why it happens, I shouldn't stress over it. She stops after they begin working.
Well I'm sorry. But I didn't grow up calling my mother butt head or fatso and similar unkind things. I have told her in no uncertain terms that I will not listen to any more of her name calling... then what do you you do when it happens again the next day?
Please let me know if you ever land on something that works. I am about to give up. I'm so sorry your child is doing this to you, but I find comfort that I am not alone. Take care. You are a great mom!
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