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Post by milesofsmiles on Nov 8, 2004 11:42:52 GMT -5
My wife and I got into a heated discussion, well it was more that I was on the receiving end of a full assult on the topic of listening, or rather not listening. This is an area that I could definately use some improvement on. Even if I do listen and repeat back, I run the risk of forgetting what was said 1-2 weeks later. It seems like my brain can only hold so much and who knows what it will push out. I have to admit, and I admitted this to my wife too, that it was on this occasion that I only heard part of what she was saying, then I fast forwarded to my own conculsion and save that version of it. So it started out with here saying "This is my bill, you need to save this for insurance (then I think.... insurance they pay for exam, we pick up rest, no problem, never had problems with insurance before.... done deal)... in the mean time my wife finished her conversation by saying that she paid the entire bill and we should be expecting a check back from the Dr. for the amount the insurance paid. So what happened? I see the bill on the counter 2 weeks later, it is clutter, so I shred it. BIGGG mistake. On that occasion, I was not listening, I jumped to conclusions and I totally forgot why I was hanging on to the bill. There are similair situations where I just plane forgot what was said. She told me that she wrote a big check for a couple of weeks of childcare, so she would not have to run in the morning every week. This morning I told her I was going to write the check out and run it in. I was immediately informed I was not listening to her again. But as soon as she said it, I clearly remember where we were, why she said it just like I was standing there again. I just forgot at that moment that I said it. Then I have this problem with sensory overload. I hear the dryer running, the TV in the other room, my son drowning out all of the other stuff and sometimes conversaions come across as just mumbles. If I ask to repeat too many times, I get the not listening bit again...and I have to spend time trying to figure out parts of conversation and missing what is said after the initial blurr. Boy isn't life exciting? Miles  |
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Post by HooDunnit on Nov 8, 2004 14:50:17 GMT -5
So the thing that I would ask is this: " Does you wife feel that your 'not listening' is somehow intentional on your part?" Quite frankly, I think that sometimes wives are up their . . .you know whats. My mother would always repeat things at least three times because she said I wasn't listening. My wife has found a way around that problem. I don't get the "You're not listening" thing, but I get some other ones that are ridiculous, in my opinion. For example, she hates to be referred to in the third person. If my son, who doesn't live at home any more, phones and asks some questions, and I say "Jamie" rather that "your mother", I will get a big dressing down. She'll say, "Why do you say that?" I'll say, "I wasn't thiking. It wasn't intentional." Then she'll say, "Why do you do that if you know it is hurtful to me?" And I'll say, "I didn't mean anything by it" etc. Sometimes I think that wives feel that male behaviour is all a plot to ruin their lives.
But I NEVER throw out any of her little pieces of paper, bills, etc. Twenty-five years has taught me that.
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 8:47:56 GMT -5
WOW it only took Mike a couple of years to figure out you touch nothing in this house unless I say so, WHY? Control freak, If I don't know where it is and I need it for something I'm flipping.  One thing I have learned is that I don't NEED Mike's undivided attention for him to hear me, if it's that important that I do have it, I'll wait for him to be done what he is doing so he doesn't loose his place, he'll be so worried about losing his place, he won't hear me anyhow. I time it so that he'll remember. I'm just as good at not paying attention as he is, so I can't hold anything against him because 9 out of 10 times, I would have forgotten had the roles been reversed. I love sticky notes, get a few sticky pads adn place them strategically through out the house so when you remember something or need to remember it, write it down and stick it in the open where you won't be able to forget it----front door, window, something so that it is just out of place enough to make you think about it. |
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Post by HooDunnit on Nov 9, 2004 11:31:04 GMT -5
What I like about Kaiti's answer, is that she views the whole thing (interspousal communication) as a management challenge, rather that a moral one ("You OUGHT to be listening, or you're hurting my feelings).
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 11:55:01 GMT -5
Well, the way Mike and I see things, we don't worry about little things. We are on the same page. It's scary sometimes, but thinking the same thoughts and all that is hilarious when your always finishing each others sectences, not out of impatience, but to let the other know that you ARE in fact on that page. More of a reassurance. Sometimes we do get caught up in a me world just to have the other knock you off the fake pedistool you built under yourself, trying to make yourself look mightier than you are. But in the end it was all for the best because we are looking out for their best interest adn they'd have looked the fool with such a big head. Does that make sense? We keep each other in check adn have fun in the process. Life isn't worth arguing over the phone getting turned off.....opps, oh well, no telemarketers calling for a couple days so what the heck  |
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Post by milesofsmiles on Nov 9, 2004 12:11:16 GMT -5
I dunno, I am just so laid back. If I have to repeat myself 10 times no big deal. If I forget, I will work to fix it. If someone else forgets, hey, I understand I've been there too. What I recently did was totally space cadet and should not have happened, and can be fixed. From a typical guy frame of mind, I broke it I will fix it (Black and White). From my wife's frame of mind, which I can totally agree with too, I was not listening. I was, but there was a whole lot more going on at the time. I have been better at reeling myself back in to a conversation and summarizing what she said, but I think I need a tape recorder. All I remember was work, lots of patients to see, hopefully not a lot of walk- in's. Can't give names, why it was discussed, who is covering for who. Should I have to keep this info for future discussions? I just can't retain all that, then I will inevitably bring up a similiar topic later in the week and get a 'weren't you listening to a word I said?!!'. Of course when I here that, it clicks, but is too late. What's going on with me? Miles |
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 12:15:24 GMT -5
STRESS seems to be about it right now. When's the last time you had a day off from EVERYTHING and just had a fun day for just the family? Or gone out to dinner at a diner and listened to the jukebox, you know 50 for 3 songs and it doesn't play in just your booth but about 20 others and then you have to listen to their songs too. Sounds to me like you need a vacation, or a vacation from a vacation.  |
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Post by oliviasmommy on Nov 9, 2004 12:55:31 GMT -5
miles,
it is not just wives who feel that way....(see my thread under General Hubby just doesn't understand) I really try hard to pay attention and it doesn't mean that I don't love him, cause I love him more than anything - he is my soulmate and I would never intentionally hurt him- but the problem is, unintentional hurts are just as painful for him as intentional ones are...what can I do? I hate the "I can't help it" response, even as I say it it feels like a cop-out - so if it feels that way to me, how must it appear to him? It is so hard to explain, I wish he could switch brains with me for a week and then maybe he'd understand. There's a project for all the inventors out there - they have a "Sympathy Belly" for partners of pregnant women, why not a Sympathy Brain for partners of people with adhd?
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Post by milesofsmiles on Nov 9, 2004 13:45:26 GMT -5
Ahhhh so that's what it is..... Hard to see the trees through the forest, or is it the other way around Thank you all for showing me in the mirror, I don't always get to see it from a 3rd person point of view. Miles |
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 9, 2004 18:38:14 GMT -5
God DON"T LET MIKE HAVE A SYMPATHY BRAIN< HE"D BE UP THE CREEK SO QUICK HE WOULDN"T KNOW WHAT HIT EM  I still say it is stress. Y'all need a big whopping vacation with no modern commenities. SERIOUSLY. Take it back to nature and see what's what. What do you think Miles, can you handle it |
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Post by milesofsmiles on Nov 10, 2004 16:54:30 GMT -5
My wife has been in the Army for 20 years and had her share of "camping" experiences. She won't do it without running water, a bed and heat/airconditioning. I agree that we need to get away again. The last time we had lots of fun was when we were in the mountains hiking, exploring "and stuff". We had lots of "natural" adventures on that vacation. We got home and had the glow sucked out of us within a couple days. How could one person demand so much attention (the wee one). At times it seems like his only goal is to get us both riled up at each other. Miles |
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Post by rosyred45 on Nov 11, 2004 8:42:11 GMT -5
Two days, jeez, we usually have it sucked out of us on the ride home dreading getting things unpacked, put away....the vacation from the vacation.
Adventure is always fun. Our adventures usually include taking the wrong road and driving around people watching. It's actually fun.
Plan that get away, can you surprise her? or would she have to plan way ahead of time with the Army?
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