I suspect he is adhd

[diana]

My boyfriend of three years is driving me to distraction. He talks at people to show off, (he is an andaluz gypsy-spain), he spends money without control, has no ability to concentrate on conversation, tries to contol the conversation with inane remarks, has developed a drug habit. He cannot understand that if he wishes to go off with other women that I could feel insecure, unloved. He has done this - I don´t dwell on it. He is obsessive at the table -rearranging plates and glasses and tries to control my manners at the table (my table manners are good anyway). He is secretive and would like to control women indifferent areas. For example, nightlife friends for socializing- he doesn´t converse, just holds court and acts the fool, a trusted ex- girlfiend, a lover (he would like , and me- the comfortable armchair at home. He is very good at card games, darts, etc..He collects things , you know offers of clocks, etc He cries when he feels sorry for himself. He gets into rages and insults me terribly. He hits out. He resents me, I think because he feels dependent on me. He still sees his ex and threatens to go and live with her (as Friends- he says) but knows that if he does thet he won´t exist for me ever again- he´s afraid of that but hates me for being firm on this point.

He is always late- very late he can´t leave one place to go to another without difficulty.

He gets jealous very easily and hates it if I´m not there for him. If I broach the subject of our problems he very quickly tells me to stop speaking.

He can´t say no to other people only to me.

Why am I with him?, well, at bfirst it was different, but he was still with his ex. He is very goodlooking, verychildlike which somehow turns me on, he does have a sense of humour. He is a survivor (he is deaf and also has titinus), I enjoy the culture he moves in. He is colourful. He´s not malicious towards other people, and can be very observant.

I suspect that he has adhd but cannot broach the subject - at all , he doesn´t listen anyway. He has shut me out. He gives precedence to his ex- not answering the phone to me when he´s with her. He sleeps in my house. He lets people turn his mind.
I´m sure I´m not making a medical excuse so that I can drag this relationship out- help! I know that I am guilty of loving too much.

My sister´s son has adhd and it was she, without any prompting from me , that said that she thought my boyfriend had it too- she was observing his bahaviour at the table and his very obvious sulking when he didn´t get attention.

Please help I feel that I am losing him and we disd have fun. He feels that I should put up with it al, whereas before his ex did- she seemed more unconcerned than me- good for her.

[rosyred45]

Diana, ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
You need to look out for you honey. I know you said that he was different when you first met.....

After being in an abusive relationship before I met my husband, I have come to the realization that I don't HAVE to put up with anything. There is a door to go out, it's just a matter of finding the inner strength and give yourself permission to leave.

PLEASE PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. I don't care what kind of ability, disability, label, DX, whatever you have, that is no excuse for the behavior.

You say that it is only towards you? That's not love, that's a control freak that need to get his life in order. He isn't secure in himself on the inside. He need to have talks with you. Oh boy, toughy without sounding judgemental.

But I have been there and it seems that all of the fun times are remembered so you try to block out the bad. I don't remember half of High School because of the jerk I was with. We would fight and litteraly go down steps and argue. I ALWAYS had to be home when he called or he would accuse me of cheating on him. Yeah, going to the store to get milk is cheating alright

Can I ask point blank: Why are you still with him?

Welcome and post as often as you want. My son is adhd as well as my husband and I not being dx'ed , just to give you a little back ground.
Take care

[HooDunnit]

Hi diana and welcome to the forums.

It may be that your boyfriend of three years has ADHD or some of its traits. It is hard to know without his being willing to study it or have a diagnosis. But I think that there is a lot more there than the possibility of ADHD. Some of the ways that he treats you are not explained by ADHD. I like your phrase "the comfortable armchair at home" -- he seems to take you for granted and is almost abusive at times in his disregard for your feelings. But many other people are not treated that way by him. Why does he treat you that way, and is there much likelihood that he is going to change? Maybe he would like to treat everyone that way, but can only get away with it with you, because you love him. I don't know, but I don't think that ADHD is the whole story. It could be part of the picture, but no excuse for it. My 18-year-old son is severely ADHD, and he is not that way (controlling, etc.) at all.

Barry

[Douglas]

There are a lot of ADHD symptoms here, too many to ignore or discount.

[jdmom]

ADHD is not an excuse to mistreat the ones that you love. Yes, he has some traits. But there are other issues going on that are far more worrisome than the ADHD. He sounds a lot like my EX-husband. He only thinks of himself. And you sound a lot like me. For some reason I'm attracted to needy men. You're his rock. He can do whatever, say whatever, act however he wants. And you're there....hovering in the background, waiting to pick up the pieces.

I can tell you fristhand that this is not a productive relationship. It's not a relationship at all. A relationship involves respect, and he has none for you. All you are is that constant presence that he needs to keep himself grounded. And that isn't enough. You deserve more. You deserve to be loved, and respected, and even spoiled a little. You deserve to be more than a safety net.

I'm going to stop here because I know that no matter how much advice you are given, this is something that you are going to have to see for yourself. Until you take the blinders off your eyes and admit to yourself that you DESERVE more, all the talk in the world will do no good. Leaving my husband is the most selfish thing I have ever done in my entire life. I still think of it that way. Selfish. But I just decided that it was MY turn to be selfish for a change.

And I'm lonely. And I'm broke. And things are tough. But guess what? I'M HAPPY!!! ;D ;D ;D I'd do it over again in a heartbeat. You never realize just how miserable you were until you pull youself out of it. Then you think to yourself "OMG - how could I have been so dumb?"

Good luck!

[AnneM]

Diana ... welcome to the forum ...

I agree that there are certainly some adhd traits in what you are saying but I also agree that there is more going on here than straightforward adhd. ADHD can be exasperating and frustrating for the partner of the adhd person and can sometimes make the partner feel excluded due to the sheer distraction and lack of due thought and consideration on the part of the adhd'er ... BUT adhd does not include the insults and nastiness that you describe nor the hitting out at and resentment of you or trying to control your actions like at the table etc. These things are not adhd ... but are likely to be part of a comorbid condition which only a doctor could diagnose.

However, if your boyfriend is not prepared to confront these problems and the problems he is causing you and is not prepared to seek help to address them then you may have only one choice left ... which I appreciate won't be easy ... and that is to find the strength to get up and go ...

Wishing you lots and lots of good luck! Please keep us posted...