Post by Kensgirl on Apr 27, 2004 11:51:30 GMT -5
Reading your website along with several others has been very helpful in dealing with Ken. He is extremely bright, funny and charming but his inability to commit, grow up and uncontrollable impulsivity has created a great strain in our relationship. We have been together for 3 years. I am divorced with two children, ages 9 and 7. I am a full time grad student (psychology). Funny, it was me who discovered his ADHD. I do not specialize in children and little was taught about ADHD in adults, but an instructor gave me the insight I had been missing. Ken was diagnosed with depression, but my gut told me there was more to it. He is now on Strattera and Wellbutrin, which have helped, but he has a long way to go.
Our biggest problems are the compulsive spending and inability to commit. He lives with me but refuses to give up a house he owns. He will not rent it or sell it as he drives there every morning to change his clothes and every day after work to have "Alone time." Financially we would both be better off he would move his things in with me and either rent or sell the house, but this is too scary for him and usually causes a huge argument if I even offer alternatives.
He is seeing a therapist, and maybe I have grown impatient, but think after three years (we are both in our 40's) I have waited long enough. In front of his therapist, I told him I was tired of the excuses and either he moved in and made a real commitment this May or I was finished. I see a pattern developing again. He took me to his brothers wedding in March (a trip costing over 1,200) purchased a new lawn tractor for me and then came home with a pressure washer this month. I can just hear his excuse for not being able to afford an engagement ring or to move or to remodel his house to sell or rent.. he spent too much money on me.
Although he spends every night here, he pays no rent or utilities on a regular basis. He will give me money from time to time, but when confronted, he will say if he has to pay rent here, he wont be able to afford to take me out to dinner and buy me gifts. Its a real no win situation when it comes to rational thinking about how one spends money.
In his defense, he is extremely supportive of my education, and my goals. He is very loving and kind and very creative. I try to support his creativity and allow him much "alone time." I feel I have been very patient and supportive of his disease. I read the websites and try to keep informed about ways of dealing with his problem, but sometimes its hard. He has emotional outbursts, especially when he feels frustrated. I am able to keep him relatively calm, but his moodiness and anger tend to last much longer than what I would consider normal. His rationalizations are often difficult to deal with as they make no real sense. He appear selfish and unchanging until we have an argument. He used to threaten to leave or he would leave and stay at his house, but has made progress on staying and dealing with the problem. At least he listens, he doesn't change, but he listens. I told him in a recent argument that since he claims he wants to marry me and spend his life with me that maybe he should try to spend more time acting like a partner. So he now keeps a record of every penny he spends buying me gifts, dinners and movies, etc, and the time he spends working on my yard (not our yard) Funny since he has slept here in this house for over two years now, you would think he would consider helping here as part of his responsibility, but he seems to think of it as helping me out only. Even when he buys me things I don't need, they are calculated and brought up at a later date. Is this part of his disease too?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I am ever aware of the multifacits of his problem, but I do try hard to understand. I wish I could help him to understand the logic in my requests and that he would stop seeing them as selfish or controlling.
Any advice on how to move forward with this man or am I merely wasting my time and effort? Thanks
Our biggest problems are the compulsive spending and inability to commit. He lives with me but refuses to give up a house he owns. He will not rent it or sell it as he drives there every morning to change his clothes and every day after work to have "Alone time." Financially we would both be better off he would move his things in with me and either rent or sell the house, but this is too scary for him and usually causes a huge argument if I even offer alternatives.
He is seeing a therapist, and maybe I have grown impatient, but think after three years (we are both in our 40's) I have waited long enough. In front of his therapist, I told him I was tired of the excuses and either he moved in and made a real commitment this May or I was finished. I see a pattern developing again. He took me to his brothers wedding in March (a trip costing over 1,200) purchased a new lawn tractor for me and then came home with a pressure washer this month. I can just hear his excuse for not being able to afford an engagement ring or to move or to remodel his house to sell or rent.. he spent too much money on me.
Although he spends every night here, he pays no rent or utilities on a regular basis. He will give me money from time to time, but when confronted, he will say if he has to pay rent here, he wont be able to afford to take me out to dinner and buy me gifts. Its a real no win situation when it comes to rational thinking about how one spends money.
In his defense, he is extremely supportive of my education, and my goals. He is very loving and kind and very creative. I try to support his creativity and allow him much "alone time." I feel I have been very patient and supportive of his disease. I read the websites and try to keep informed about ways of dealing with his problem, but sometimes its hard. He has emotional outbursts, especially when he feels frustrated. I am able to keep him relatively calm, but his moodiness and anger tend to last much longer than what I would consider normal. His rationalizations are often difficult to deal with as they make no real sense. He appear selfish and unchanging until we have an argument. He used to threaten to leave or he would leave and stay at his house, but has made progress on staying and dealing with the problem. At least he listens, he doesn't change, but he listens. I told him in a recent argument that since he claims he wants to marry me and spend his life with me that maybe he should try to spend more time acting like a partner. So he now keeps a record of every penny he spends buying me gifts, dinners and movies, etc, and the time he spends working on my yard (not our yard) Funny since he has slept here in this house for over two years now, you would think he would consider helping here as part of his responsibility, but he seems to think of it as helping me out only. Even when he buys me things I don't need, they are calculated and brought up at a later date. Is this part of his disease too?
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I am ever aware of the multifacits of his problem, but I do try hard to understand. I wish I could help him to understand the logic in my requests and that he would stop seeing them as selfish or controlling.
Any advice on how to move forward with this man or am I merely wasting my time and effort? Thanks
You are a smart girl going places. You deserve someone who wants to go with you. There is too much that us women have to put up with in the world-the last thing we need is a emotionally terrified man. He better get over it or get out. -A 
Or better, make him deside if you are the one he want´s to start building a desant relationship or does he want to move on 