Is it too late?

[Empress Haze]

On 3/12/04, my boyfriend and I had a huge fight...these fights have been erupting like clockwork lately, and I got to the point where I couldn't handle his forgetfulness and his inconsideration of my feelings, and basically, his putting me on the back burner. I broke up with him, ending a 2 year relationship, and a 6 year friendship...I knew he was doing these things because of his ADHD, but it still didn't make it right. It seemed like the only way I was able to get through to him was for us to break up. This all happened out of the blue too, because all of February we were fine, January too.
Since that day, we've talked online and through Text Messages on our cell phones, and he came over one night too. But while he was there, he made a phone call to one of his friends to make plans to meet a group of people (mostly girls)...again, demonstrating the inconsideration of me. Keep in mind though, he's never been like this towards me, he's just gotten progressively worse with his condition since august.
Anyway, as I was saying, he noticed a change in my mood immediately after he hung up the phone. I told him nothing was wrong and left it at that. The next night, I expressed to him that it was ignorant of him to make that phone call in front of me when he very well knows that I love him.
Well, this made him flip out completely, and we got into yet another huge fight (3/19/04) except this one was the argument to end all arguments. We've never faught so intensely before and we said alot of mean things to eachother. He wouldn't let me talk, or say anything at all because he was too busy screaming at me. I hung up on him and texted him everything i wanted to say, convinced that it was the only way to get through to him. Then we didn't speak for 2 days...I felt terrible for everything i said, but knowing that he "hated" me made the steps to moving on slightly easier...until monday (3/22/04). He started off by texting me that he was coming to drop off my stuff, then started to say that he was sorry for what he said, and that he really didn't hate me at all. I knew this though, I didn't hate him either...infact, its the complete opposite.
He ended up staying longer then expected when he came to drop off my stuff though, and I finally got to tell him everything I've been wanting to say for about 6 months now. I told him that I thought he needed therapy, and that if he needed me to go with him, then I would. I told him that while coinciding with the therapy, he needs to be more considerate of me, so I don't feel like its just me in the relationship. We used to have excellent communication, and he'd bend over backwards for me no matter what. It sounds selfish the way I put that, I know, but he actually showed me that he cared for me and loved me every day...but eventually, it just faded and then the arguments started.
Well, talking led to flirting between us and we ended up kissing. The feelings that I supressed for him started to come back...I know we shouldn't have done that, but we couldn't help it. Later on he sent me a text and said he was glad that we talked, and that he was happy to know that we can still be friends while he takes care of what he needs to take care of as far as his ADHD and such.
Truth be told though, since him and I had that conversation I'm finding it very hard to just be friends with him. I felt better knowing he was mad at me...so now I don't know what to do. He's still hanging around with his friend and the girls he works with, and the fact that I just know he's doing that, really bothers me. It bothers me even more that my going out and doing my thing doesn't bother him. I have trust issues though, and thats a whole other story...

Basically, I want to know what I should do. Is it too late to save this relationship? I love him with every fiber of my being, so I want to help him. The fact that he is taking the initiative to get help is a good thing, but being friends is just something I can't do at all. I just love him too much, and he doesn't understand.

Help me, I need some advice!
Sorry this is so long...

[LitlBaa]

Is it only his ADHD or is there something else going on with him? If things have gotten worse since August, there might be some other issues there. Maybe substance abuse of some kind?

If you feel you can't trust him, you probably can't. Speaking from my own experience...you have to decide what you can and can't accept. He will not change unless he is ready to change. Nothing you say or do can force that. What about the relationship do you want to save? If you want to hold on to the way it used to be, it sounds like that's already gone. It boils down to finding out what you want for yourself, instead of relying on your hope of his changing.

[rosyred45]

Speaking from my own experiences, if you let it go and it comes back it was meant to be. Letting it go is harder than you might think.

My husband and I knew each other for a few years before we got together. We dated for about 6 months, but he broke it off because he wasn't sure that he loved me and he wasn't sure if I'd hurt him like the rest. My husbnad is very generous, loving, and all that, so his ex-gfs used to walk all over him.

Well, I went on vacation and away from him for a week. He always knew I'd be where he was because I made new friends, and I wasn't hanging out there just to see him. Any how, after I got back from vacation he told me that when I was gone...NO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN US....he realized what he was missing.

As soon as I made myself not available to him at his every whim, that's when it started to click with him. I had other friends, a life, more to do than sit and mope about us not being together.

Look deep into who you are, who he is, and what you want. Don't be used as a door mat for him to think he can walk over at his whim. I know it's hard, I cried buckets when I heard the phrase let it go. I could, wouldn't, nothing. But that is what you have to do.

Let it go, if it was meant to be it'll be.
Kaiti

[shardstar]

I know a situation like this is really really hard. Sorry that you have to go through this.

While reading what you wrote I got a sense of how YOU feel about this situation, but I didn't see anything written about how HE is feeling about the relationship. Has he told you that he loves you, or cares deeply for you? Does he want to try to work things out too?

If he doesn't want to make it work, ADHD or not, I think you should move on to someone who can give you what you deserve, but if he does want to make this work, and he has said so, then I would try.

[Empress Haze]

I thank you for your advice, and I have been doing exactly what you said. I'll purposely make myself unavailable for him and in the end he always contacts me in some form whether it be text message, Instant Message or phone call. Since I wrote this entry we've talked about our relationship, and he's expressed to me that he really does want to get back together and he does want it to work, so he's taking the first step by starting his therapy again. Thats great news to me and everything, but the real test is if he sticks with it.
He says he doesn't want to get on meds, but the harsh truth is, he's definitely gonna have to take something. I kept my mouth shut with that one though, I don't want to be the one who has to tell him he needs a prescription...I'll leave that wonderful news to the therapist.
Bottom line, if he is told that he needs meds and he won't take them for our sake or my sake, I'll walk. That'll tell me right there that I'm not important enough to him.
One thing he said when we were talking though was:

"If I'm going to therapy and I find out that why I keep doing this can't be fixed, then we shouldn't get back together."

This puzzled me...because we're practically already together. The only thing thats missing is the "I love you" before leaving eachother. I mean, we talk every day in some form, we hang out, we do what we've normally been doing. He's saying he wants to take things slow so he doesn't get my hopes up again because he doesn't want to hurt me. Understandable I guess, because I normally have absolute zero patience what-so-ever...but when it comes to him, I do.

He doesn't have a drug problem or anything, he's a real clean cut guy, not a smoker, not a druggie, not a big drinker...like me, he just has a tendency to get side tracked alot. He knows he has to work on being more considerate of me, and he's trying. It'll take time, I know that.

All in all, he does want to make it work, he has to work on sticking with it when he does make that decision. Its surprising to me that he's still at his job, because its been 6 months...normally he'd leave after 4 or 5. His mind is set on being a cop and he is sticking with it so far. He takes the civil service test at the end of this month, and told me that if he doesn't do well he's enlisting in the army.

Yea right.

Seriously though, are the chances of him needing medication pretty high based on what you know so far?
I think it would help, but like everything else, he has to be willing to stick with it.

[shardstar]

It sounds as though your boyfriend is just coming to the stage where he realizes that he has to do something about his ADHD. He's got a hard road ahead of him. He's been living with it, untreated, for his whole life and he's developed terrible habits and, no doubt ways to deal with it that mey be good and some that may be bad. He has to really want to do something about this, before he seeks help, and unfortunately, he has to really want to do it for HIMSELF, or it won't work.

Once he does seek help, he's going to have a lot of work to do, whether he decides to try meds, or not. Meds do help, but they are not a magic cure all, that turn an ADHD'er into a "normal" person. You'll have to decide if he's important enough to you, to stick by him, and support him through this. He may need you to go with him to therapy and learn ways that you can help him with ADHD issues. He may need help from you to stay motivated with this. You can't nag him, though. ADHD'ers are very stubborn people usually, and nagging is NOT going to work.

Good luck, and if you need any other advice, let us know.

[rosyred45]

If he doesn't want to do the meds, go to the natural alternatives section. There are great ideas and everyone is very helpful. We have my son on the Feingold diet, no artificals and preservatives and some natural foods. This wasn't a cure all, but has help a bit.

And if you know that he is making an honest effort, please support him. I remember you said yuo had very little patience, except with him. GOOD. He needs it. Remember that he needs that support, and that will help him build his self control too. If there is something expected of him, he may make that a priority. I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like talking to a kid, but I have post it notes and lists galore around here.


Get him some paper and somekind of calendar to help him organize things. If they seem anal, that is fine, let them be anal, but get to the organizing, that way if it's written down, he can see it. Just like a baby, out of sight, out of mind. If he doesn't see it, it won't get done.

Kaiti

[Empress Haze]

I've absorbed everything you've said, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I'm seriously falling apart now. Him and I aren't together, but we see eachother every day, talk to eachother every day in some form or another, and its really starting to take its toll on me because we're not a couple. I can't cuddle with him, I can't y'know...be his girlfriend, and frankly, it sucks.

He knows when something is bothering me, and when he asks me whats wrong I can't tell him. I already made the mistake of doing that and he told me not to push him or it will scare him away. It just sounds to me as if he wants to have his cake and eat it too...but then on the flip side, if he didn't care about my feelings at all he wouldn't ask whats wrong, correct?

I'm really confused, and I can't wait for him to go to this stupid appointment because I want to hear what the doctor has to say. It'll be a sort of, release for me I guess. Like, tonight he kept bugging me to know what was bothering me and I had to mkae something up just to get him off my back. If I told him: "I miss you every day and even though you're right next to me you feel so far away its destroying me whole inside.", he would get all weirded out.

I don't want to tell him "I don't think we should talk until you start your doctor visits" because then the thought of him seeing other women will plague me completely.
So either way, I lose. Arrrg I'm going insane! I felt better knowing that he hated me! Atleast then moving forward from all this BS wouldn't be so d**n difficult.

Sometimes I ask myself why this had to happen to me, happen to him, and especially happen to us. I know the first cut is always the deepest, but I've gotten cut more than once...I don't even think theres a part of me left to cut anymore.

[rosyred45]

Empress (((((((((hugs)))))))))))
I know exactly what you are going through. Mike and I had broke up as I said before. Well, it had come to my attention that he had a friend over where they used to party. Well, yup I was bawl city for about a week. but the funny thing was, I had already let go in the matter of if I can't have him no one will mentality.

OK, I found another guy that I had dated and then another and then another. Well, I always had Mike on the burner to lean on. As I am thinking about it, don't put me in your shoes, put me in your boyfriends. I hate to say I loved it, BUT I had my cake and ate it too. I had Mike that I knew I could count on for the emotional support and even though we were not "together" we still saw each other all the time. Then I had the side items that I didn't have any real strings attatched to except to hang out with.

SO if you want my opinion from that point of view: actually my husbands. It took the 2 weeks of not being around, no talking, no seeing, absolutly NO contact with him, to realize that he loved me enough to be with me. And that gave him a chance to miss me.

BTW, his friends were trying to HOOKUP with me, the girl that he was "friends" with happened 3 yrs before Miek and I started dating. They were trying to keep us apart. Nice friends huh

Let me know if you need anything. E-mail me if you feel like it, it's in my profile.
Kaiti