Post by 1mom on Mar 17, 2004 7:06:51 GMT -5
Tips On ADD in Couples
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.
Terms of Use: This educational material is made available courtesy of the author and Attention
Deficit Disorder Resources, a non-profit organization based in Tacoma, whose purpose is to help
people with Attention Deficit Disorder achieve their full potential. We have numerous materials as
well as a quarterly newsletter for sale. Phone: 253-759-5085
Address: ADD Resources, 223 Tacoma Av S #100, Tacoma WA 98402
E-mail: office@addresources.org; Web Site: www.addresources.org
In couples the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can be particularly
vexing. The distractibility, impulsivity, and excess energy associated with the
syndrome can perturb intimate relationships in ways that leave each partner
exhausted, angry, hurt, and misunderstood. This is doubly unfortunate because
two people suffer. However, if the situation can be subtly regulated, the ADD
couple can find satisfaction commensurate with the high energy the couple
usually possesses.
The following guidelines or "tips" might be helpful in settling the chaos that is so
often present in the ADD relationship and moving on towards a satisfying mutual
relationship of love and understanding.
Make sure you have an accurate diagnosis. There are many things that
look like ADD, from too much coffee to anxiety states to dissociative
disorders to hyperthyroidism. Before embarking on a treatment of ADD
consult with your physician to make sure what you have is really ADD
and not something else.
Once you are sure of the diagnosis, learn as much as you can about ADD.
There is an increasing body of literature out on the topic. The more you
and your mate know, the better you will be able to help each other. The
first step in the treatment of ADD--whether it be in a couple or elsewhere
--is education.
Declare a truce. After you have made the diagnosis and have done some
reading, take a deep breath and wave the white flag. You both need some
breathing space to begin to get your relationship on new footing.
Set up a time for talking. You will need some time to talk to each other
about ADD--what it is, how it affects your relationship, what each of you
wants to do about it, what feelings you have about it. Don't do this on the
run, i.e., during TV commercials, while drying dishes, in between
telephone calls, etc. Set up some time. Reserve it for yourselves.
Spill the beans. Tell each other what is on your mind. ADD shows up in
different ways in different couples. Tell each other how it is showing up
between you. Tell each other just how you are being driven crazy, what
you like, what you want to change, what you want to preserve. Get it all
out on the table. Try not to react until all the beans have been spilled.
Write down your complaints and your commendations. It is good to have
it in writing what you want to change and what you want to preserve.
Otherwise you'll forget.
Make a treatment plan. Brainstorm with each other as to how to reach
your goals. You may want some professional help with this phase, but it
is a good idea to try starting it on your own.
Add structure to your relationship.
Lists.
Bulletin boards.
Notepads in strategic places like by bed, in car, in bathroom and
kitchen.
Write down what you want the other person to do and give it to him in
the form of a list every day.
Keep a master appointment book for both of you. Make sure each of
you checks it every day.
Avoid the pattern of mess-maker and cleaner-upper. You don't want the
non-ADD partner to "enable" the ADD partner. Rather set up strategies
to break this pattern.
Avoid the pattern of pesterer and tuner-outer. You don't want the
non-ADD partner to be forever nagging and kvetching at the ADD
partner to pay attention, get his act together, come out from behind
the newspaper, etc.
Avoid the pattern of the victim and the victimizer. You don't want the
ADD partner to present himself as a helpless victim left at the merciless
hands of the all-controlling non-ADD mate.
Avoid the pattern of master and slave. Akin to #16. However, in a funny
way it can often be the non-ADD partner who feels like the slave to her
or his mate's ADD.
Avoid the pattern of sado-masochistic struggle as a routine way of
interacting. Prior to diagnosis and intervention, many ADD couples spent
most of their time attacking and counter-attacking each other. The idea is
to try to get past that and into the realm of problem solving. What you
have to beware of is the covert pleasure that can be found in the struggle.
In general, watch out for the dynamics of control, dominance and
submission, that lurk in the background of most relationships, let alone
ADD relationships. Try to get as clear on this as possible, so that you
can work toward cooperation, rather than competitive struggle.
Break the tapes of negativity. Many ADD couples have long ago taken
on a resigned attitude of the there's-no-hope-for-us.
Use praise freely. Encouragement, too. Begin to play positive tapes.
Learn about mood management. Anticipation is a great way to help
anyone, and especially someone with ADD, deal with the highs and
lows that come along.
Let the one who is better organized take on the job of organization.
However, this job must then be adequately appreciated, noticed, and
compensated.
Make time for each other. If the only way you can do this is by
scheduling it, then schedule it. This is imperative! Clear communication,
the expression of affection, the taking up of problems, playing together
and having fun--all these ingredients of a good relationship cannot occur
unless you spend time together.
Don't use ADD as an excuse. Each member of the couple has to take
responsibility for his or her actions. Don't blame it on ADD. On the other
hand, while one mustn't use ADD as an excuse, knowledge of the
syndrome can add immeasurably to the understanding one brings to the
relationship.
Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances
addadhdadvances.com
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Subscribe Send blank email to:
subscribe@addadhdadvances?subject=subscribe
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.
Terms of Use: This educational material is made available courtesy of the author and Attention
Deficit Disorder Resources, a non-profit organization based in Tacoma, whose purpose is to help
people with Attention Deficit Disorder achieve their full potential. We have numerous materials as
well as a quarterly newsletter for sale. Phone: 253-759-5085
Address: ADD Resources, 223 Tacoma Av S #100, Tacoma WA 98402
E-mail: office@addresources.org; Web Site: www.addresources.org
In couples the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can be particularly
vexing. The distractibility, impulsivity, and excess energy associated with the
syndrome can perturb intimate relationships in ways that leave each partner
exhausted, angry, hurt, and misunderstood. This is doubly unfortunate because
two people suffer. However, if the situation can be subtly regulated, the ADD
couple can find satisfaction commensurate with the high energy the couple
usually possesses.
The following guidelines or "tips" might be helpful in settling the chaos that is so
often present in the ADD relationship and moving on towards a satisfying mutual
relationship of love and understanding.
Make sure you have an accurate diagnosis. There are many things that
look like ADD, from too much coffee to anxiety states to dissociative
disorders to hyperthyroidism. Before embarking on a treatment of ADD
consult with your physician to make sure what you have is really ADD
and not something else.
Once you are sure of the diagnosis, learn as much as you can about ADD.
There is an increasing body of literature out on the topic. The more you
and your mate know, the better you will be able to help each other. The
first step in the treatment of ADD--whether it be in a couple or elsewhere
--is education.
Declare a truce. After you have made the diagnosis and have done some
reading, take a deep breath and wave the white flag. You both need some
breathing space to begin to get your relationship on new footing.
Set up a time for talking. You will need some time to talk to each other
about ADD--what it is, how it affects your relationship, what each of you
wants to do about it, what feelings you have about it. Don't do this on the
run, i.e., during TV commercials, while drying dishes, in between
telephone calls, etc. Set up some time. Reserve it for yourselves.
Spill the beans. Tell each other what is on your mind. ADD shows up in
different ways in different couples. Tell each other how it is showing up
between you. Tell each other just how you are being driven crazy, what
you like, what you want to change, what you want to preserve. Get it all
out on the table. Try not to react until all the beans have been spilled.
Write down your complaints and your commendations. It is good to have
it in writing what you want to change and what you want to preserve.
Otherwise you'll forget.
Make a treatment plan. Brainstorm with each other as to how to reach
your goals. You may want some professional help with this phase, but it
is a good idea to try starting it on your own.
Add structure to your relationship.
Lists.
Bulletin boards.
Notepads in strategic places like by bed, in car, in bathroom and
kitchen.
Write down what you want the other person to do and give it to him in
the form of a list every day.
Keep a master appointment book for both of you. Make sure each of
you checks it every day.
Avoid the pattern of mess-maker and cleaner-upper. You don't want the
non-ADD partner to "enable" the ADD partner. Rather set up strategies
to break this pattern.
Avoid the pattern of pesterer and tuner-outer. You don't want the
non-ADD partner to be forever nagging and kvetching at the ADD
partner to pay attention, get his act together, come out from behind
the newspaper, etc.
Avoid the pattern of the victim and the victimizer. You don't want the
ADD partner to present himself as a helpless victim left at the merciless
hands of the all-controlling non-ADD mate.
Avoid the pattern of master and slave. Akin to #16. However, in a funny
way it can often be the non-ADD partner who feels like the slave to her
or his mate's ADD.
Avoid the pattern of sado-masochistic struggle as a routine way of
interacting. Prior to diagnosis and intervention, many ADD couples spent
most of their time attacking and counter-attacking each other. The idea is
to try to get past that and into the realm of problem solving. What you
have to beware of is the covert pleasure that can be found in the struggle.
In general, watch out for the dynamics of control, dominance and
submission, that lurk in the background of most relationships, let alone
ADD relationships. Try to get as clear on this as possible, so that you
can work toward cooperation, rather than competitive struggle.
Break the tapes of negativity. Many ADD couples have long ago taken
on a resigned attitude of the there's-no-hope-for-us.
Use praise freely. Encouragement, too. Begin to play positive tapes.
Learn about mood management. Anticipation is a great way to help
anyone, and especially someone with ADD, deal with the highs and
lows that come along.
Let the one who is better organized take on the job of organization.
However, this job must then be adequately appreciated, noticed, and
compensated.
Make time for each other. If the only way you can do this is by
scheduling it, then schedule it. This is imperative! Clear communication,
the expression of affection, the taking up of problems, playing together
and having fun--all these ingredients of a good relationship cannot occur
unless you spend time together.
Don't use ADD as an excuse. Each member of the couple has to take
responsibility for his or her actions. Don't blame it on ADD. On the other
hand, while one mustn't use ADD as an excuse, knowledge of the
syndrome can add immeasurably to the understanding one brings to the
relationship.
Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances
addadhdadvances.com
=================================================================
Subscribe Send blank email to:
subscribe@addadhdadvances?subject=subscribe