Post by LitlBaa on Feb 29, 2004 19:20:24 GMT -5
This will be a long one, but I need to give some background. DH and I have been married nearly four years, he has two sons (22, I think undx'd ADHD; and 20, in college); I have Hurricane Kate (12, most of you have "met" her already) and though the boys don't live with us, the oldest has tantrums and pulls the guilt trip thing whenever DH can't or won't help him with something. I figure if he still has this behavior pattern, it must have been successful in the past, and any chance we have of breaking this pattern will come with a high cost.
On Tuesday, SS called and wanted our financial info to fill out a financial aid form for college. DH asked why our info was needed since he's grown. SS kept asking and nagging, DH kept saying he wasn't comfortable with this, SS nagged some more, finally DH told him to come over and bring the form so he could see it. Then Grandma gets on the phone and asks why we won't help him. Here comes SS, form in hand, pointing out that we are wasting his time by asking to see the form. I left the room for two minutes and SS starts working on DH again, nag, bug, guilt trip, I'm your oldest son...and I had had enough of this kid badgering us for personal financial information which was none of his business anyway. So I came back in and told him to stop nagging at his father, he'd gotten an answer, case closed, deal with it. Big huge colossal fight, SS screams I'm being rude, asks DH to defend him, says it's not my decision, more screaming, more fuss, SS leaves slamming the door and says to forget him, forget his birthday (which was Thursday), forget he even has a son, etc. We try and calm down, phone rings and rings and rings, apparently a message was left by SS that was so hateful DH wouldn't tell me what it was, so we follow SS's wishes and don't contact him.
Today he shows up, working the guilt trip again, you didn't call on my BD, I'm your son, you took an outsider's point instead of defending me; DH tried to talk to him but again SS went screaming off that I'd better not start anything around the family because he'd have to defend himself.
My DH is a sweet man, but until recently was not very good at standing up for himself. Now he's getting better. Because I lived with an unmedicated Katie, I recognize the behavior patterns of SS and I understand the causes behind the tantrums. How can I best support my husband and help him deal with this? He loves his sons very much, but he also loves me. What can I do to help him? Or is there anything I can do except love him?
On Tuesday, SS called and wanted our financial info to fill out a financial aid form for college. DH asked why our info was needed since he's grown. SS kept asking and nagging, DH kept saying he wasn't comfortable with this, SS nagged some more, finally DH told him to come over and bring the form so he could see it. Then Grandma gets on the phone and asks why we won't help him. Here comes SS, form in hand, pointing out that we are wasting his time by asking to see the form. I left the room for two minutes and SS starts working on DH again, nag, bug, guilt trip, I'm your oldest son...and I had had enough of this kid badgering us for personal financial information which was none of his business anyway. So I came back in and told him to stop nagging at his father, he'd gotten an answer, case closed, deal with it. Big huge colossal fight, SS screams I'm being rude, asks DH to defend him, says it's not my decision, more screaming, more fuss, SS leaves slamming the door and says to forget him, forget his birthday (which was Thursday), forget he even has a son, etc. We try and calm down, phone rings and rings and rings, apparently a message was left by SS that was so hateful DH wouldn't tell me what it was, so we follow SS's wishes and don't contact him.
Today he shows up, working the guilt trip again, you didn't call on my BD, I'm your son, you took an outsider's point instead of defending me; DH tried to talk to him but again SS went screaming off that I'd better not start anything around the family because he'd have to defend himself.
My DH is a sweet man, but until recently was not very good at standing up for himself. Now he's getting better. Because I lived with an unmedicated Katie, I recognize the behavior patterns of SS and I understand the causes behind the tantrums. How can I best support my husband and help him deal with this? He loves his sons very much, but he also loves me. What can I do to help him? Or is there anything I can do except love him?
