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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 25, 2003 16:48:49 GMT -5
Well, I can tell you how not to do it. Do not do like I did last night and make a comment (and I don't even remember how I said it) how the projects around the house never get finished. BIG mistake. There was no intention behind the comment, I guess it was just an observation that I should have kept to myself. Right away the defensive walls came up and the claws came out. Very, very rarely do DH and I fight, but I learned that letting him know that projects are not done are fighten' words.  We had to go throught the whole darn house and rip each other apart about things that should've, could've, would've been done if.... Oh well, on the bright side I got lots of extra kisses when he left for work this morning.  |
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Post by 1mom on Nov 29, 2003 21:46:31 GMT -5
:-Xekkkkkkkkkk! warning! warning! avoid trap!! i've done lots of dumb things, but have avoided the biggie trap of pointing out the non-finished projects around here. no waaaaaaaaay! LOL
1mom
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Post by LitlBaa on Nov 30, 2003 0:39:32 GMT -5
I guess I wasn't as smart as you guys  I flipped out yesterday and read chapter and verse about the stream of start and never finish around my house. Not one of my brighter moves...especially since we just upped his meds and he's alternating between cranky and depressed.
I think I just had enough of the grand plans that I usually have to clean up, trip over, or toss out when they get wrecked by the weather.
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Post by sierra on Nov 30, 2003 3:09:51 GMT -5
Dang I'm glad we both have ADHD. There are plenty of unfinished projects around. The rules in our house are the one who started it finishes it unless it's bugging the heck out of somebody else. If they're bugged then it's their choice. Clean it up or finish it. Sometimes things can't be cleaned up of course. So finish it is the only solution.
One of my unwritten rules though is to never get going on somebody elses project unless they are home to stop me. If they don't like me messing with their project then we have a perfect opportunity to negotiate a due date.
This is a rule I only apply to myself. I hope it rubs off on dh and the sprouts one of these days. Every once in a while I'll come home to a clean dining room table that was covered with a work in progress. Depending on how much damage is done in the clean up and how committed I was to finishing it within a week or three I might hit the roof. Knowing how I feel though I don't do that sort of thing to other family members. I make sure they can see me messing with their stuff when I start fixing things.
I don't know if this idea would work in other people's situations. Especially if one person is not ADHD and the other one is. I have a pretty good idea how my family will react to something I do. We have different co morbids but ADHD is a huge thing to have in common.
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Post by HooDunnit on Nov 30, 2003 9:49:40 GMT -5
That's a good word that sierra mentions -- "negotiate". Perhaps another is "motivate". We hear so much these days about "motivational speakers". And then, of course, there is the fear of god. Perhaps the fear of god could be instilled in some way. The Roman Catholic church, for example, has things to say about sloth. Perhaps that would get him going!!!!!!!
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Post by 1mom on Nov 30, 2003 14:42:41 GMT -5
sierra,
how 'bout coming to my house and share that plan! sounds very workable and even without both parties having adhd, could work well. come on dowwwwwwn!
hd,
i'm writing those two words in huge sharpee marker on my mirror, brain and heart:
what better verbs to place relationships in? can't think of a single problem area that wouldn't be solved with liberal use of these two magic words. a dash of catholocity would be perfect if we were both of that faith. ;0))
thanks for the inspiring words.
prayers,
1mom
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Post by sierra on Dec 4, 2003 3:04:04 GMT -5
Next time I'm down bayou way I'll look you up.
I got a whole lot of projects to finish first though. ;D
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Post by Douglas on Dec 4, 2003 12:46:42 GMT -5
Speaking as an ADD family man who has trouble finishing things, I can testify that it is deeply embarrassing to us that we lose track of our inspiration and intention.
We DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. We just are. It is very much like the metaphor of the person trapped in the TV room with a mad channel-switcher: our brains switch on us when we don't intend or desire it, and our thoughts run in a completely different direction. When we do try to finish what we've started, we come up blank; we don't remember what our plan was, what the right procedure is, and this is sometimes humiliating (yes, this can be true for something as simple as rearranging the garage). It makes us feel foolish, and so we simply avoid.
It is important to understand why this happens and why we react as we do, and not take it personally. We are not lazy or uncaring.
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Post by skylarkragtop on Dec 4, 2003 16:09:24 GMT -5
Speaking as an ADD family man who has trouble finishing things, I can testify that it is deeply embarrassing to us that we lose track of our inspiration and intention. We DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. We just are. It is very much like the metaphor of the person trapped in the TV room with a mad channel-switcher: our brains switch on us when we don't intend or desire it, and our thoughts run in a completely different direction. When we do try to finish what we've started, we come up blank; we don't remember what our plan was, what the right procedure is, and this is sometimes humiliating (yes, this can be true for something as simple as rearranging the garage). It makes us feel foolish, and so we simply avoid. It is important to understand why this happens and why we react as we do, and not take it personally. We are not lazy or uncaring. I agree with Douglas. We dont mean to be this way, it from an observer's viewpoint, we can be very frustrating. From our own viewpoint, we see ourselves doing things this way and feel the same way. Unless you're wired the way we are, you cant understand what it's like. Would someone deliberatly create conditions that cause friction? Maybe if they didnt care. But we do. And it hurts those around us, as well as ourselves. I hyperfocus sometimes. Much as 1mom's hubby can mess with his Mustang forever, I can get engrossed with projects to the neglect of everything else around me. I forget to eat. I'll lose 5 pounds per project if they take me long enough. I'll also lose the patience from my wife who cant understand why I'll go nuts from dawn to midnight on something if I want to but not lift a finger to help her with the house cleaning stuff. It's got to move me. It's got to be getting the better of me, something I wont let happen. It's got to be something nobody thinks I can do. Or something I've never done before that I see as a challenge. Under those conditions, I hyperfocus, see nothing else, and shifting gears to something else is very tough. There's two sides to every coin. Sometimes I think mine has three. Or five. or None. SR |
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Post by 1mom on Dec 4, 2003 18:47:51 GMT -5
sierra, if ya come on down, i'll supply all the c-coffee and crawfish you can stand.  douglas/sr, thanks so much for helping see the inside view of what's going on. it's so frustrating and dangit, HARD on us (the non-adhd spouse) to deal with these issues. your words go along way in showing us the other side of the coin. in our case, it's either a one-sided coin, 3, or 6-sided. the ever-changing dimensions are a lot to contend with. thanks again, prayers, 1mom |
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Post by mskris on Dec 12, 2003 13:01:21 GMT -5
I"ve been reading this thread with great interest. My dh is also ADHD (something we've recently discovered), and he fits the mold to a "T."
One thing he told me recently is that when I get on the litany of projects list, I need to be explicit about prioritizing for him. For example, we bought a 70's house last March that really looks it! THere are so many things I want done to improve it cosmetically, that dh doesn't know where to start. BUT, when I told him this week that the new automatic garage doors are a major priority for me now that winter has set in (and I'm 20 wks pregnant), he got the message.
Ditto for the closet he built - when I pointed out that his clothes all over the sitting room really stressed me out - he spent the next 3 weekends getting it done.
Thanks to Douglas and SR for the viewpoint of the male adhd husband!!
Kris
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Post by LitlBaa on Dec 14, 2003 2:32:27 GMT -5
The comment about hyperfocusing was very interesting. I see that so much with Hubby...almost to the point of obsession, whether it's an electronics project, the SciFi Channel, checking his email...and since I can multi-task pretty efficiently (background in retail mgmt, and a teaching credential--two fields where multi-tasking is a necessity), it bugs me when he only does one thing at a time to the exclusion of all other things. I know it's not realistic to think that he can juggle five things just because I can, but I think I do expect it of him.
Thank you for your insight, SR and Douglas...I guess I need to go and apologize to Hubby.
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Post by HooDunnit on Dec 22, 2003 13:20:46 GMT -5
My ADHD-son is in high school and he seems to be able to work on only one subject at a time. His expression for it is, "I work in blocks." He will work on one subject for a day or two, then another subject for a day or two, and so on. He can't seem to multitask his subjects too well. The work he does is excellent (probably because of the hyperfocusing).
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Post by Douglas on Dec 22, 2003 14:31:11 GMT -5
There is nothing wrong with your son's strategy ... clearly it works for him! Our society places too much value on mulit-tasking, as though the effective multi-tasker is some kind of superhero. Meticulous, focused effort can be every bit as effective and should be equally valued, especially when the individual who makes this effort is overcoming adversity in the process!
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