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Post by 1mom on Nov 22, 2003 9:16:23 GMT -5
help! i've done something and now i'm wondering if it was such a good idea....
my adhd husband is very manly and prideful. he's also a very skilled mechanic, repairman, welder, etc. (loves tools) 
he also has an issue with staying focused and completing tasks. he loses interest in most projects unless it's one that really grabs him (i.e. restoring his '69 mustang to original glory. he can work on her for hours each day and loves it). he's been 'remodeling' our kitchen for 11 years. appliances are finally all in place and working. it seems like this is the end of the road. floor, ceiling, and all the finish work are not done. bar never made. doors, backsplash not installed.
our neigbhor is a master woodcrafter--built all the cabinets and most of his home's furniture.
i got the brilliant idea to surprise dh with the new bar (and whatever else woodchuck neighbor can get done during the thanxg holidays. dh took a week of vacation and was planning to go work on/camp out on his family property 3 hours away for the week. (now he's not sure when/if he's going.) that throws a wrench in my surprise.
now i'm starting to worry about his reaction. if you're a loner, like to do things your own way, what would your reaction be? any advice would be so appreciated. as i sit here, i can woodchucky's tools buzzing away. i'm starting to sweat.
thanks guys!
1mom
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Post by skylarkragtop on Nov 22, 2003 17:12:20 GMT -5
Once upon a time, a caveman came home and found that someone else had brought his clan a fresh kill that he didnt know was coming. Seems the alpha male from the cave next door was pretty good at bagging bison, so he bagged one for Mrs. Caveman, who asked him to because she thought that having a few days worth of chow ready and waiting would be a good to surprise hubby when he got home from hunting whatever happened by.
Not only that, but since alpha male next door was handy and creative, he embelleshed an unfinished cave painting with a mural.
Caveman promptly clubbed alpha male next door on the head, grunted at Mrs. Caveman, and trudged out onto the plains promising he'd never eat that Bison or enjoy that cave painting.
So, the moral of the story is, dont spring the spoils of someone elses hunt on the hunter in your life, especially when he thinks he's good at it.
Skylarkragtop = my 1972 Buick Skylark Convertible. I restored it myself. You knew that. It grates on me til this day that someone else re-did the top for me, when in hindsight I could have done it. It bothers me that the spray gun wasnt in my hands when a so-called friend helped me paint it.
I've done everything there is to do around my house because if I cant, I learn how. I wont pay anyone to work on my cave. If there was something that needed doing and I hadnt gotten to it, went away, came home, and my wife surprised me by having someone else do it, I'd be unhappy. If she told me beforehand that she'd like to lighten my load, bring in someone to do it, I might get bent and argue that I'm capable, but depending on what it was and how much it would cost versus doing it myself, I might be open to considering it.
Thats my grunt, do with it what you will.
SR
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Post by 1mom on Nov 23, 2003 10:27:47 GMT -5
thanks for the grunt--UGGGGGH! that's the exact reaction i was worried about. SIGH. maybe i'll just sit in the cave silently and wait another 11 years or so, till clan-bear decides he can/will/wants to finish it and them i'll be able to cook and serve the dang mastadon he brings home, instead of serving it up half raw on the grungy bouldertop, instead of the neatly carved stone bar.  appreciate your honest help! 1mom |
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Post by Allanque on Nov 23, 2003 11:51:59 GMT -5
Or you could tell your dh that your neighbor has oh-so-kindly-offered to help out, and you'd really like that bar finished, so after the holidays and all are over, you're going to ask the neighbor to help out if you'd still really like that bar to be finished.
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Post by finnmom on Nov 23, 2003 12:11:43 GMT -5
:)1MOM
Be very very carefull!!!! there is nothing so bad than a man´s feelings when he think´s, that you might think, that someone could do something better than he ;D (that was very diffucult way to say it, sorry)
I would deffenately do as Allanque suggested: Honey, I know that you have promissed and are so capable to do it, but..... ;D All this with kisses and admiration ,should do the trick.
Marja
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Post by 1mom on Nov 23, 2003 19:20:17 GMT -5
thanks, y'all. after your good advice, i'm going to rethink the 'surprise' and just feel him out on how he'd feel about woodchucky helping out, or if he'd rather finish it....and maybe an estimated date. good point to reassure him that it's not b/c i don't have faith in his ability. strictly b/c i'd like to have folks over to show off the things he did accomplish.
thanks again,
1mom in the cave
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Post by Linda on Nov 24, 2003 10:15:12 GMT -5
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Post by HooDunnit on Nov 24, 2003 11:45:37 GMT -5
I guess the question that I would ask is this, "What is more important to a man -- his wife or his house / cave? Is it more important that his wife be happy or that their cave be untouched?"
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Post by Douglas on Nov 24, 2003 15:54:05 GMT -5
It is very true that once you, as your husband's most significant other, truly hurt his pride, it never really resumes its original shape ...
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Post by 1mom on Nov 24, 2003 16:34:42 GMT -5
 so...i guess the question is: how can i get him motivated to finish the repairs/remodels without surprising or nagging (i've never asked when it would be done and always brag when each thing got completed)? i'm really not looking forward to having a workable kitchen at the cost of waiting 11+ more years. yet, i realize now a surprise isn't the best route, but then his sour mood/anger/hurt pride if asked, isn't a pleasant prospect either. suggestions? 1mom
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Post by skylarkragtop on Nov 24, 2003 16:53:46 GMT -5
Put on a toolbelt?
Nothing sexier than a woman in a tool belt, but she's gotta know how to use them.
I have a thing for Amy-Wynn on Trading Spaces.
And my sister builds log homes in PA. Guys that come and go on the job sites get a big kick out of her... she's 40 something, in nice shape, tans well, and isnt afraid to try something she hasnt done before.
So, what if you asked your husband to show you how it's done, ask if you can help build something... say a bar?
Start watching Hometime, This Old House, etc. Let him catch you with some books from Lowes or Home Depot.
My wife had no better Christmas than the one when she got her own set of tools. Too bad I borrowed them all and didnt put them back.
OK, I know its a tough spot. Be creative. Men with ADD are emotionally driven, and it will hurt if you nag, hurt if you sidestep him, and for those who ask whats more important, realize this: nothing is more important to a man with ADD than a spouse that sticks by him, sticks up for him, and doesnt stick it to him. Everyone else out there wont, wont, and believe me I know, will.
SR
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Post by 1mom on Nov 24, 2003 17:46:57 GMT -5
good suggestion. i once asked him to teach me to weld, but after a few lessons, he starting finding important things to do. LOL! maybe the tought of me using his tools will scare him into action. them tools is some sacred!  but maybe he'll take the prompt. 1mom |
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Post by milesofsmiles on Nov 24, 2003 18:12:13 GMT -5
I know that I have about 40 things on my list to do. It helps when my wife and I sit down and talk about the status of the projects and what can be done to get some of them done. Maybe it takes some outside help to get a high priority task done. Maybe it takes x number of nights of her to watch the kids. Maybe it just takes a bit of guilt of knowing how many things need to get done. We (I) remodeled our entire basement. I did most, I had friends help with some, I even hired some of it done. No pride lost, they could do in 3 hours what would have taken me 20 to do. Time is money sometimes. Well that is the system that works for us, we have a family staff meeting and update project etc. I did see one "while you were out" show that the man came home and totally cursed out his wife who thought she was doing something wonderful by redecorating the deck area he never had time to do. I felt horrible for her, she was in tears, and angry at him for flying off the handle like that. No one on the cast knew if he was serious or not. He was very serious. Miles  |
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Post by Sorka on Nov 24, 2003 21:49:21 GMT -5
Hey have him watch while you were out and see what he says.. just say.. what if I..... hehehhe that's a good way to feel him out!!
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Post by 1mom on Nov 25, 2003 0:11:30 GMT -5
gosh miles, i admire your planning strategies and planning sessions! way to go. LOL on the TV, miles and sorka, the dh's television viewing is limited to the history channel, animal kingdom, and orange county chopper. anything else sends him from the room in search of a book (if evening) or a session with the mustang. thanks for the helpful conversations, i'm learning tons! prayers, 1mom |
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