|
|
Post by Douglas on Oct 31, 2003 8:49:01 GMT -5
Are you the ADD partner in an intimate relationship? or are you in a relationship with an ADD partner?
is it a problem, or have you managed to find a way to make it work?
is the ADD handled by the afflicted partner only, or do you consider yourselves a team in dealing with it?
is the ADD partner untreated and in denial?
or do you suspect that you are ADD yourself, and not really willing to confront it? has your partner tried to help you see that you have a problem?
If any of these situations reflect your own, feel free to share.
D
|
|
|
|
Post by sierra on Oct 31, 2003 11:20:47 GMT -5
I have adhd and so does dh. I think we've mostly found ways to make it work. Before our sprouts were around we used to argue pretty noisily when we didn't see eye to eye. It was a struggle to learn to discuss quietly so as not to worry the little children  Since all four of us have adhd the only way to deal with it is as a team. Even Li'l Sprout can see the big black cloud spouting lightening over his big brother's head and decide that right now would be a really good time to leave the room. Maybe leave the house. The sprouts are being treated medically. DH and I are not being treated. We didn't know we had ADHD until the sprouts were diagnosed. We were compensating pretty well before. Now that we know what we're dealing with our compensations have gotten better but so have our challenges. Two adolescents in the house qualify as challenges right? Neither of us are in denial. We may sometimes assume we're right and the world is wrong when we shouldn't. But sometimes dang it we are right! This is one squirrelly world these days. Mostly we try to make sure the world wipes its shoes on the doormat before we let it into our house. |
|
Kymn
Member
Posts: 75
|
Post by Kymn on Nov 1, 2003 18:45:26 GMT -5
Hi there I am actually a mom with a son with ADHD but in the process of getting him tested we learned that my father and my brother are also adhd.My mom used to get so frutstrated with my Dad for always being so "twitich" that was his nick name but it has helped their relationship immensly now that she understands more.Knowledge is power.
Have a great day
Kymn
|
|
|
|
Post by Douglas on Nov 1, 2003 20:11:13 GMT -5
Kymn, thanks for that story! I think there's a HUGE difference between looking at one's partner and thinking, "He/she drives me nuts!" versus "Wow, it must really be hard for this person I love - I'm going to give them my best!"
Three cheers for your mom! May more and more partners of ADHDs out there follow in her footsteps!
Doug
|
|
|
|
Post by Veronika on Nov 4, 2003 17:47:22 GMT -5
I totally agree!! Three cheers for your mom!!!
I know ADD/ADHD is hard for adults as well. My husband has it, and I tell you I wouldn't have him any other way! He's impulsive (in a good way), very creative, and soooo much fun!!
ADD/ADHD can also be a bonus in a relationship. What do you think?
|
|
|
|
Post by Honeysmom on Nov 8, 2003 11:08:16 GMT -5
I am lucky b/c I have the most understanding hubby in the world. He doesn't care if I don't get everything done, he is happy to see I am trying. He likes to take care of us so I really did get lucky. If I keep a job great, but if I don't no big deal. Ocoasionally he "harps" on me to get this or that done, but usually he has no opinion about it.
|
|
|
|
Post by LitlBaa on Nov 12, 2003 2:50:18 GMT -5
My husband was dx'd about three months ago. In some ways he's glad he has an explanation for some of his behaviors, but in others he feels like he wasted a great deal of time before his dx. We have been married 3 1/2 years, and he's just a great guy! He's loving, caring, does his best to help around the house and take care of me and my daughter. I don't have ADD, but we are most definitely a team in dealing with his ADD and dd12 ADHD. I am a take charge, kick butt and take names type, he's laid back, I organize and delegate, he makes piles of things to look at later...
My first husband (daughter's father) I believe was ADHD but untreated and in major denial. He couldn't deal with the little things like paying the speeding tickets before they went to warrant, registering the car before it got towed, paying the PGE bill before the power was turned off, hiding mail...this is why we're now divorced.
My husband is steady, he loves me, he's always there when I need him, and I wish I'd married him 20 years ago!
|
|
|
|
Post by skylarkragtop on Nov 13, 2003 12:54:32 GMT -5
I believe that lots of times, ADDers find each other.
My parents are a team. Married over 43 years. ADD from the word go, but deny it despite my Dx in '99 at age 34.
I've been married 15 years. My wife doesnt have ADD that we know of, but sometimes she swears I'm rubbing off on her. I believe that we found eachother because of her potential for having some of the traits that I do. We mesh like the teeth of two gears, mine is the smaller one that spins faster and tends to bind up more often. Hers is the big one that covers all the gaps and keeps on turning smoothly and slowly.
To my 15 jobs, she's had one.
To my 10 friends come and gone, she's had none. Just the same coworkers, the rest of the time we spend together.
Through our 19 years together, she's been my only constant. I'm the one who changes interests, jobs, tastes, cars, bikes, and now, diapers.
I lost my last job a year and a half ago and I'm a Stay At Home Dad. The only job I've ever had that I'd never want to quit. My boy is 21 months old now, and he knows the letters of the alphabet (In UPPER case only), he knows the numbers all the way up to 20. He learned the planets the other day. He holds a pen in his right hand like he's ready to bang out a novel. I've never seen dexterity like his in such a little boy. He can carry a tune. He can finish lines to Green Eggs and Ham. And Goodnight Moon. And everything else we've read to him. Why? I'm convinced it's because he's got the right wiring of his mom's smarts and his dad's creativity, musicality, literacy, and as we've seen, his impatience. I pray he doesnt wind up like I did. But knowing theres a predisposition is something that I have that my parents didnt.
So, relationshipwise, things are pretty good, and we've been through hell together. 10 years of infertility. Losing our first born two weeks before he was due, and finally having this boy to have and hold right before I lost my good paying job. But thats OK. Because my wife stands behind me and knows that I am capable of doing whatever I put my mind to.
I barely got out of HS, did a half a semester of college, then a technical school, and then bounced around from job to job, all the while being told by my wife that I can make something of myself, even when I didnt believe it.
But now I'm beginning to. I'm back in college, starting all over again, pursuing Nursing. I'm in the midst of getting my prerequisites out of the way, and fairly certain that while it's a lot of work, when this semester is over I will have maintained my 4.0 GPA. Thats right, I'm an A student. I never would have thought I could ever do this well. My wife asks me what else I expected, when I bring home A++ on my English papers, and 99's on my Anatomy and Physiology exams. I expected, like most other times, to fail. How wrong I was. I'm glad my wife knows me better than I do.
SR
|
|
|
|
Post by RiahBubbaPooh on Nov 26, 2003 18:54:14 GMT -5
My dh has ADHD. We're doing better now that we've come to grips with it. When I first suggested (almost 7 years ago) that our ds had ADHD, dh just about flipped that I would suggest that something was wrong with our ds! So I let the matter drop. Then he came home from work one day with a dazed look. He was listening to Focus on the Family on the way home, and they had a check list for ADHD. He listened, intending to prove me wrong, and discovered that he had to answer yes to all but one question!! I got a book called, "Honey, Are You Listening?" It's geared to the spouses of ADD/ADHD people. He started reading it and kept saying "THAT'S ME!" So, years down the line, it still is an issue as far as handling it in day to day life, but he knows he's NOT crazy, and is managing it with diet and supplements. I have to say, it is much easier on me to be able to realize he's not being an insensative jerk, he really does not remember we ever had that conversation! I should say that all of our kids are effected also, and I blame him regularly!!  There are days that I wonder how I got myself in the middle of all this, but I wouldn't trade it. They are such a creative bunch! And very fun-loving! |
|
|
|
Post by Douglas on Dec 3, 2003 9:40:19 GMT -5
Alas, the realization came too late for me. I lost my last relationship because my failure to handle some of the things that were thrown at me resulted in my being labeled "uncaring" and "insensitive" and "self-absorbed" by my former spouse.
It took me more than a year to sit down with my current S.O. and confess my disability ... I was so afraid she would reject me because of it. But, as above, knowledge is a powerful thing. She understands what I'm going thru and is very supportive.
If only I'd known 20 years ago what was wrong with me!
|
|
|
|
Post by AnneM on Dec 3, 2003 13:57:12 GMT -5
My dh has adhd ... (predominantly inattentive just like my son so the "h" isn't too obvious - nor is it with my son!) ... 'undiagnosed' however although it is SOOO clear now that we understand more about my son!! At times he (dh) really does " Drive me nuts" .... but at other times he can be the sweetest, most thoughtful person ever!! ... The " Drives me nuts" bits includes silly things like not being able to grab his attention when trying to talk to him ... often (particularly if the tv is on in the background) it takes 2-3 times of saying his name to get him to "tune in" .... !! Grrrr..... He then "seems to listen" and then does something completely the opposite to what we were talking about (and I THOUGHT he had listened and agreed!!!  ) .... an example of this is that we are invited to some friends over the Xmas period .... it is a long drive and I preferred the idea of an alternative (Plan B) we had been given for the same day .... well dh "seemed" to listen whilst I discussed our alternatives .... but THEN after our conversation he then said "Oh I LIKE the idea of that .... " and promptly got on the phone and before I knew what was happening had ACCEPTED Plan A !!!! I was kind of speechless!! He honestly hadn't listened (or taken in!) a word I had said!! .... because he is a kind man and IF he had taken it in he would no way have done this!! I was left thinking he had AGREED with Plan B but the bottom line was that although had had appeared to be listening - he really, really wasn't!! .... When I confronted him after his phone call he said "But I thought we had agreed on Plan A!" So my answer to the original question is .... WE HAVE OUR MOMENTS !!!! .... but looking at the bigger picture he is a good guy...  |
|
|
|
Post by sierra on Dec 22, 2003 4:53:17 GMT -5
Neither DH nor I are real good at following through on complex family plans. Life's just too complicated. I still get po'ed but I've learned that if it's something I really want to happen there are two things I need to do.
1. Make sure he really wants to make it happen too. Otherwise even if I make the plans he make back out on me.
2. If it's something I want to happen then take the bull by the horns and do the planning myself. I get input about good and bad times. But I take the responsibility.
3. If it's not something I care about enough then let it fall in DH's court. If he wants to make it happen he can get my input and schedule it himself. Just like I do when I'm the one who cares.
A lot of best laid plans still get mislaid. But understanding that if it's that important to one of us then the one it's important to is on the hot seat to make it happen takes away most of the blame if a plan doesn't pan out.
|
|
|
|
Post by Douglas on Dec 22, 2003 7:23:44 GMT -5
This is a pretty good framework, sierra ...
|
|
|
|
Post by coyote on Jan 13, 2004 14:00:45 GMT -5
Alas, the realization came too late for me. I lost my last relationship because my failure to handle some of the things that were thrown at me resulted in my being labeled "uncaring" and "insensitive" and "self-absorbed" by my former spouse. It took me more than a year to sit down with my current S.O. and confess my disability ... I was so afraid she would reject me because of it. But, as above, knowledge is a powerful thing. She understands what I'm going thru and is very supportive. If only I'd known 20 years ago what was wrong with me! Your situation sounds so familiar. My first marriage lasted 12 years. It was a disaster. My ex-wife suffered from a variety of problems herself....most probably though a combination of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism. Imagine it....she wanted to control everything, expected me to do everything, and wanted all of my attention focused on her. Meanwhile, I was unable to be uncontrolled much, unable to accomplish much, and unable to pay her much attention. It was easy for me to just figure that it was it all her fault. Now, I'm married again...for a year and a half. I am desperately in love, and I'm determined not to make a mess of things this time. But I started hearing the same things again. On New Year's Eve, my wife was upset beacuse I hadn't done or planned anything romantic. She launched into the ol' "you just don't seem to care about me" speech for the first time. It hit me like a ton of bricks. There really is something wrong with me after all, I decided. Because I do care about her, and have no real explanation for my inability to attend to her and all those other things that are important to me (the list is outrageously long). So I started doing some investigating. I feel that I've stumbled onto the probable explanation in ADD. I told my wife...she seems supportive, yet dubious. I'm trying to assure her that I'm not looking for excuses, but trying to fix myself somehow. She inspires me to become a better man. I will get around to seeking a clinical diagnosis....but I'm not very keen on the idea of medication. For the time being, I'm trying to remember to read the sticky notes posted all over my immediate surroundings.... One says "pick up flowers." |
|
|
|
Post by Honeysmom on Jan 13, 2004 15:21:05 GMT -5
That is cute, my DH must have looked at your post it note! He got me flowers yesterday and he NEVER has done that before. He is more of a "you know I love ya" kind of guy. I knew when we were dating his idea of romantic and mine were two differnt things so I think it is nice when he does stuff like that for me. It reminds me that he is thinking about me even when I think "he really does not care about me."
IMHO, flowers or a little something here and there will get you a long way.
|
|
