Tips? Tricks? Ideas?

[kelley]

So from what I have read and lived so far, it seems like when there is at least one adult with ADD/ADHD, the relationships get harder to handle.

Does anyone have any advice, suggestions, tips, tricks, etc... that might help to deal with relationships? What has worked or not worked?

[Douglas]

Kelley, here are a few suggestions:

1) learn all that you can about their condition, from objective sources (like this website!)

2) when you have reached a place of real intimacy with the ADD partner, ask gentle, probing questions --- about their work, about how they feel, about things they have achieved/not achieved, about their frustrations, etc ... and ask these questions in such a way as to not make the other person defensive

3) an ADD partner lives a life of deep personal insecurity. everything you can do to bolster his sense of his own worth and the value you place on him is a positive step - important in any case, but even more so with an ADD partner

4) i once read a very interesting item a woman wrote about her husband - "I really go all out (in bed) that night on the day he pays the bills." the idea is, of course, to show him how much you appreciate him on a day when he is probably feeling a little worn down by the world. THE ADD MAN FEELS WORN DOWN BY THE WORLD EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HIS LIFE. this doesn't mean you have to go all out in bed every single night, but the value of intimacy and the message it sends to your partner cannot be overstated

5) respond with real appreciation for everything he manages to do for you, and even the things he doesn't quite manage. don't think that this will give him passive permission to not follow thru -- on the contrary, you are sending the message that you notice his efforts

6) if you reach a point of being able to talk openly with your partner about his condition, and he fully acknowledges his disability, let him know that you consider the two of you to be a team in tackling his disability's challenges - the ADD adult feels very isolated and alone, and there is no better feeling than knowing someone is with you in your struggle

I hope these ideas help!

[Honeysmom]

I think the best thing for my marriage was to finally admit that I had a real problem. I am very lucky, I have a very understanding husband. It is ok with him that I can't keep a job real well, and it is ok with him that my self-esteem is lacking, he just keeps trying to build it up.

I think the most helpful to me is when he says I know you are trying and I am proud of you. Even if I did not meet the goal I had set.

There is not need to hide that there is a problem, loving and supporting your partner is probably the best thing you can do, at least it works for me. Good Luck...Becky

[cantsitstill]

You are talking as partners to an ADHD.. what about me what can I do. We both work really hard, I have managed to really screw up the finances and she is mad as hell at me. I reckon I don't blame her but man have I tried to get it right, Oh and I'm about to make another job change. The job I'm in now is really not cutting it, I have a chance to get a job as a loan officer which will be really challenging and have me doing what is I really like... Being around people.

She seems to forget that I'm working 75 hours a week and don't want to make decisions or go out or anything else..but if I don't she gets angry thinking I don't want to do what she does.

Boy I tell you life sure was simpler.......Hmm...maybe it has never been simple.

Thats all for now Scoty

[ChicagoRedwing2b]

I have been through hell and back with my partner, Sarah. 6 years now. I just now started to get around to looking for the engagment ring and diamond, LOL.

My advice!

#1 Education. Not only for yourself who has ADD/HD, but for your partner and their family and friends. Not everyone knows how hard it is for me to rememebr to do simple daily chores, but if you help educate them as to your problems, rather the repeatedly scold you each time you forget, they can help remind you when they see you forgetting.

#2 Patience for the non-ADD/HD partner's frustration. Just as we get frustrated daily, our partners get frustrated with us daily. Tasks that are seen as daily and simple normal task by our partners are not for us, and this can drive them crazy. "Rob pick up the mess you left, don't forget to take the garbage out", it drives her crazy becasue I alwasy forget. If you can laugh it off, "Oh crap, please don't commit me Sarah, I seemed to have forgetten my brain today, I will clean up and take the garbage out right now please I am a good human, I am sane, no wait who am I kidding, PLEASE COMMIT ME I AM TOTALLY INSANE" as I started to clean up.

#3. Communication is a must. Bad days happen, its ok, but you have to communicate these issues and days to your partner. Have your own place at home to be alone, have a set time to just be alone, to chill out, to calm down, to relax. Our days are tough, stressful, and can wear us down by 6pm to the point we want nothing to do with our partners sometimes. They have to understand that we have to constantly recharge ourselves, and that we must recharge everyday. Setup a time frame, hour or two to recharge and then come back together and have the rest of the night together.

#4 Ask your partner for constant reassurance and advice. We are notorious for being poor self viewers. Ask our partners to give us a progress report, ask how things are going, how your doing, what can we try this week, or work on next week. Ask for advice, but understand that you may not feel the same way, or think your partner is correct, but they can tell and see your actions and effects much better then you can at times. You don't have to follow everything they say, but understand that if love and compassion are a part of your relationship, your parnter means well.

#5 For those who suffer from self esteem issues, sexual problems with intamacy and such, please talk with your partner about these things. Self esteem issues can effect all sorts of things together with your partner. Mood, desire, energy, and feelings all can effect sexual desire and performance. Your partner needs to understand these issues, and the more open you can talk about these things the more compassion and understanding your partner will display at times when desire and sexual energy are not there.

I stress this last one more then the others because it effects me personally. I have a lot of childhood problems that I do not want to discuss that have caused me a great deal of issues with my sexual performance and desires. A partner that constantly gets denied for intamcy, sexual intamacy, and such will start to wonder and assume things that may not be true. " Does he/she not find me attractive anymore? Does he/she have something on the side?" it can get bad trust me, and fast.

Once I started therapy, I slowely started to uncover issues from my childhood that were not pleasent but have been forgotten or repressed for a long time. Once I started talking about them I started to deal with them, and in turn was able to talk to Sarah more about my intamacy problems, and lack of sexual desire. The more I learned the more answers I was able to provide to her, and the better she started to feel about herself and our sexual relationship.

Be patient with each other, this knowledge doesn't always come easy, and on the first lesson. Work together, rather then fight over issues. Try to listen to each other's advice, try them out, and if they work great use them, if they don't try something different. Practice different methods of communication, and team work.

ADHD effects everyone close to you in your life. Your partner the most of them all. Your partner sees something wondeful in you, otherwise they would not be with you. They are compassionate, loving, patient people, the perfect person to be with someone with ADD/HD.

[aaa-alison]

I have ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The best tip I can give is to accept your disorder, learn behavioural modification techniques and take medication. if your doctor feels you should. I resisted medication for a long time because I thought I could fix myself. I was in denial because I could not see myself well.

My degree of ADHD needs medications, psychological visits, and supervision from outside sources.

My best trick of the trade for dealing with life and business (the same difference) is to repeat information and slow down. I have found that, It is more important to take forever to create something successfully, than to do ten things in that same amount of time and think you did it well. As I said, I'm a poor self observer. I will believe those ten things went swimmingly when the truth is that I probably omited important information. I look over my work for errors, three to five times. I could never do this before my medication. So this is my on medication trick.

Working out during work in short bursts helps too.

I try to find and remind myself to take the shortest way from A to B before I begin a task. Then I tell myself to focus and not do it the; "wow that would be so cool, if I tried it like this" way, or the "I'm smarter and know more and than my boss" way or the "I can do it and won't it be fun-without reading the instructions" way.

Lists help me out a lot and my husband helps to keep track too. I forget how to do a lot of things, so I have instruction sheets to remind me. And I am not ashamed of them. I also have huge to do lists-which are not really to do lists.

They are "if I want to do stuff lists" and they are posted in the kitchen, office, and my art room. They really help me to get moving, when I get depressed.

I read Idiot's guide books to learn how to do stuff. They are funny, cartoonish, stimulating and highly informative. They are also broken down into easy to read concepts and directions. Much better than reading a real book on a boring concept. And you can start anywhere and not really lose the point cause the books repeat the same concepts over and over.

[ohmama]

aaa,
Very well said! Welcome to the forums, I look forward to hearing more of these good comments from you.

[Douglas]

The point about the Idiot's Guide books is a good one. I've actually picked up some Idiot books on some pretty technical subjects, and found them to be detailed and easy to read ...