Post by mskris on Oct 31, 2003 8:17:08 GMT -5
Thanks for the validation, Douglas.
Actually, last night dh came home with a written response to some of my questions/issues from the previous evening. I was touched that he had considered them seriously, and I fully understand that sometimes writing things down makes it easier to respond to emotionally-charged issues. I'm a writer myself and I know that putting things on paper makes it easier to think them through.
I waited until the kids were in bed and then addressed his responses. Some of them had to do with my mother, who lived with us for part of the summer, which caused a lot of tension among us all (I must say that Mom is 83, was clinically depressed at the time - she's since gotten help). Anyway, I told him that his issues with my mom are something I can't address; I'm not my mom, not responsible for her behavior, and that I had my own issues with her at that time. He agreed - whew!
Things went relatively well, I must say. But I think he feels it's all resolved, while I feel we've just begun!
Then I got really angry with him this a.m. He likes to "cuddle" in the mornings - always meaning he wants sex - and when I ask him nicely to back off a bit (I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping these days b/c of the pregnancy and I'm really tired in the mornings), he kept at me. This is typical and makes me feel like he doesn't respect my wishes. After the third time of my telling him I needed to get another half-hour sleep and to not drape himself over me, I was pretty p.o'd!! This is a very typical situation with him. He doesn't LISTEN to my wishes, but then he complains when our ds doesn't listen to us. HELLO - Lead by example!! Anyway, it's a pet peeve of mine and has been for years. I can't understand why, especially now with my "condition," he can't respect my request for a little space!
I explained that this is exactly the type of behavior that turns me off from intimacy, but he just doesn't seem to GET IT. I think he perceives my lack of desire as some type of "punishment," which it isn't, consciously. I'm just not at all interested! I know it's a symptom of something bigger, and maybe subconsciously I am deliberately withholding, but I don't feel that way. I tried to tell him that's why I'm going to the counselor - to get some insight into WHY I don't want to have sex. (I have to say, I don't feel anything toward anyone else, either, so I don't think it's just him, but something with me). I still don't think he gets it, though. He has a tendency to be very passive-agressive and maybe he thinks I'm the same way? I'm not; I'm very direct.
Sorry this is so long - it just seems like every day is a new development and I really appreciate your viewpoint, both as a man and as an ADD-er. I truly think dh has it and it's coloring a lot of his actions/reactions. He is willing to consider that; he said it's possible.
Kris
Actually, last night dh came home with a written response to some of my questions/issues from the previous evening. I was touched that he had considered them seriously, and I fully understand that sometimes writing things down makes it easier to respond to emotionally-charged issues. I'm a writer myself and I know that putting things on paper makes it easier to think them through.
I waited until the kids were in bed and then addressed his responses. Some of them had to do with my mother, who lived with us for part of the summer, which caused a lot of tension among us all (I must say that Mom is 83, was clinically depressed at the time - she's since gotten help). Anyway, I told him that his issues with my mom are something I can't address; I'm not my mom, not responsible for her behavior, and that I had my own issues with her at that time. He agreed - whew!
Things went relatively well, I must say. But I think he feels it's all resolved, while I feel we've just begun!
Then I got really angry with him this a.m. He likes to "cuddle" in the mornings - always meaning he wants sex - and when I ask him nicely to back off a bit (I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping these days b/c of the pregnancy and I'm really tired in the mornings), he kept at me. This is typical and makes me feel like he doesn't respect my wishes. After the third time of my telling him I needed to get another half-hour sleep and to not drape himself over me, I was pretty p.o'd!! This is a very typical situation with him. He doesn't LISTEN to my wishes, but then he complains when our ds doesn't listen to us. HELLO - Lead by example!! Anyway, it's a pet peeve of mine and has been for years. I can't understand why, especially now with my "condition," he can't respect my request for a little space!
I explained that this is exactly the type of behavior that turns me off from intimacy, but he just doesn't seem to GET IT. I think he perceives my lack of desire as some type of "punishment," which it isn't, consciously. I'm just not at all interested! I know it's a symptom of something bigger, and maybe subconsciously I am deliberately withholding, but I don't feel that way. I tried to tell him that's why I'm going to the counselor - to get some insight into WHY I don't want to have sex. (I have to say, I don't feel anything toward anyone else, either, so I don't think it's just him, but something with me). I still don't think he gets it, though. He has a tendency to be very passive-agressive and maybe he thinks I'm the same way? I'm not; I'm very direct.
Sorry this is so long - it just seems like every day is a new development and I really appreciate your viewpoint, both as a man and as an ADD-er. I truly think dh has it and it's coloring a lot of his actions/reactions. He is willing to consider that; he said it's possible.
Kris
