ADHD forum cruelties

[Douglas]

I have learned that there is a forum - attached to WebMD.com, no less! - where the forum participants are partners of ADHD adults, and freely discussed abandoning and ditching their partners!!! They talk about "not putting up" with ADHD, and turn the discussion of ADHD symptoms into character attacks!

And this site is the one people go to from WebMD.com!!!

It was the most disheartening discovery I've made in months. Shall we go back to burning epileptics at the stake?

[rosyred45]

Wait Don't forget the diabetics and anyone with a mental handicap.

That is rediculus. I was going to ask a link, but then they might get bombarded with negative attacks

But they would deserve it right?

[ohmama]

oh yes, please do give us the link!!

Can you hear me? I'm singing a song called "turn me loose"

[aimee30]

Before I found this site, I had been surfing and came across another ADHD forum that was terrible. I wonder if it was the same one?

I am so thankful I found this site!!

[rosyred45]

Isn't it amazing the before and after's.....I'd really like to know that site too :-Xbut not to harm this one

[jdmom]

Sounds to me like the ADHD persons would be better off without those partners.....

I wonder if you could e-mail WebMD and complain about the negative image of ADHD connected to their site?

[eaccae]

Fortunately I couldn't find that site anywhere attached WebMD! And at first - being a highly inattentive ADD person with significant Executive Dysfunction, anxiety, minor chronic depression - I was apalled. And then I stopped and thought about it. I think everyone needs a place to vent - who knows maybe attacking their partner online is getting unsaid things off their chest and they are able to have a better relationship in the end. I know a lot of people like that. It's a release to unknown people - they can say whatever they want and they fell better. All I know is that being married to a high combination ADHD person - it isn't easy! As a matter of fact we are each really good at using our add/adhd problems as character attacks on each other at times. But I do have to say that having adhd isn't an excuse - even in a relationship - if you do have adhd and are refusing to deal with it or get help or acknoweldge that it is any kind of problem - except as an excuse when there is a problem - then I don't have as much sympathy! Please don't get your hammers out! But my marriage of over 12 years may not make another 2 and the major reason is my husband's adhd. Sure mine has contributed as well. But at least I acknowledge my issues and am trying to work on my issues and take full responsibilty for myself regardless of whether it is an add related problem or not. But when a grown adult with full knowledge that they have adhd refuses to even acknowledge this as generating issues that need to be worked on etc., that refuses to even discuss it with any legitamcy and then when something doesn't go right it pops up as an excuse - there is only so much the other person can do - even if they are in the same boat! So on one hand - it bothers me and on the other hand - well - I kind of understand! I can't bash someone for saying things when I don't know the full story.

[rosyred45]

eaccae, you took the words out of my mouth, except for the 12 years, maybe 2 more I hope you can work things out.

Miek and I KNOW that we are both undiagnosed, BUT don't use it for serious excuses or hold it against each other....why should we, we have to think about where the other is coming from too.

And to reitterate, I too think it is a vent for others....some of the things I put here, whether it be about the teacher of my kids, or the neighbors getting on my nerves, would be rather unsetttling to be seen by them......

I can see the point, while I might not agree with it, a friend told me
Opinions are like @$$holes, every one has one and they all stink.

[Douglas]

ADHD can rob people of clarity, focus, control, taking them out of themselves and into a panicky place.

Of course this distresses others and can harm relationships.

We can't change our nervous systems, but we can take responsible action to mitigate the effects of our disability.

If we love those around us, we choose responsibility!!!

[eaccae]

Douglas - that is so well said! Be sure to add this to your book!!!

[eaccae]

I think for us older adhders - society has really bred into us that it isn't a "real" problem or that we can manage it because we have survived this long, etc. - we don't need medication, or to talk to any one, or see a specialist, etc. . . - we don't need to deal with it at all! It is much harder for us as adults to address the issue. I think, often times in our minds - we know it is there - but taking that extra step to get help sounds silly. I hope you address that in your book too - I think it a very important part of making not only a relationship work but (- as we adhders who ackowledge our challenge and strive to overcome or channel it know- ) it is important for our general day to day lives!

Unfortunately - I can see how if it isn't dealt with at all - how the other partner can build up a whole range of different emotions including resentment, etc. Not that it is always the fault of the adhder mind you - for example your ex sounds like she had problems regardless of whether you had adhd or not!!! I can tell you - that if I wasn't an adder myself - I would have gone crazy long ago . . .(okay - so maybe I am already crazy - but you know what I mean )

Anyway - I am not defending anyone on the site (I couldn't find it) - or saying that the behavior is acceptable - I'm just saying I can understand where it is coming from. And there are alot of sites for "normal" partner support that have just as many character attacks! (Now - if this were a support site for adhd as this is I would DEFINITELY put a complaint in to WEBMD but if it is just a site for partners of adhd . . . I guess they have right to air their opinions too).

[rosyred45]

I've been thinking about the first couple lines of what eaccae said, about being able to manage this long. I hope that with things that are being caught earlier, it won't damage my kids' self esteem as it has mine.

I was always able to walk away from things with a quip of some sort, but inside I felt worthless. I never dared show it, it would have only made things worse.

Even now sometimes, I can sit here or where ever and have a good come back, when I really want to cry, but gotta save face type of thing. I try not to show fear, that's what some people feed off of.

Sorry, got off track-imagine me getting off track

[aaa-alison]

Hey everybody. I'm still alive and kicking. I was going through a tough time for a while but i'm back. In response to this ADHD venting station attached to WebMd. If there is one thing in life that I have learned-it's that venting only works when you vent to the one who needs to hear it. Otherwise venting situations makes them worse cause everybody throws in their hate and anger too making you even more angry.

It's just a waste of time cause you will have to confront that person anyway.

Who are we to judge them for venting-maybe the venting is warranted. Don't get me wrong but I mean this. Relationships survive because of the willingness to make them survive. When one partner is venting it is usually because they are having problems surviving in the relationship the way it is.

This is not an ADHD specific situation-this is interpersonal relationships- with ADHD or anything else being just one of the many reasons a spouse may feel torn.

I'm sure there are tons of sites filled with angry people venting about everything under the sun. But blaming another is never the answer. And it can make you blind to what you may need to change to make the situation work. Love heals everything.

[rosyred45]

Good to see ya back alison

[Linda]

ditto that...don't be a stranger.