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Post by skylarkragtop on Aug 23, 2004 14:37:16 GMT -5
Been a while since I posted, but I've been out of touch with so many people, virtual or otherwise, that I guess I needed a place to throw some thoughts out. Get this, and don't think that I am operating with a swelled head or anything, because it couldnt be any further from the way I feel.. in fact sometimes I feel like I've got a shrunken head - but here goes:
I have been a stay-at-home dad for almost two years after losing my job. My son, now 2 and a half, is the brightest boy I've ever seen. I'm so proud of him and happy to be his daddy, that there are no words for it. I can not believe he's mine sometimes. He's a social as they come, and I am relieved because I'm certain he will not be a misfit like I was. I can not believe that we've managed to do with one salary for all this time, and I am amazed that I have been able to do what I have with school.
Kindergarten through my first year of college were torture. Twenty years and as many jobs later, I've gone back to school, and after twenty-eight credits, I'm holding down a 4.0 GPA. I start the Nursing Program on September 1st. I can not believe it. I got my uniform, my white shoes, I sewed my patch on my sleeve, and I spent an hour staring at the name badge I will wear that says "Nursing Student". I tell people all the time what my plans are, how I look forward to graduating in two years or so, and getting a job that allows me to be around for my boy who by then will be in school himself. I still can not believe it.
I'm the one who was called every name in the book. I'm the one who never got along with anyone. I'm the one who time after time came home griping about my co-workers, and quit job after job hoping for the next big thing.
This is, by the looks of it, the biggest thing I've ever done. This is a path towards a goal I've laid out for myself that has success written all over it. Yet as I think about my first day of class, I think that I'm not going to make it to graduation. I think that I'm going to de-rail. Silly. I've thought that as I approached the first day of every class I've taken so far, only to Ace with an A at the end. My track-record is impressive to everyone but me, I guess. I feel like a fraud. No matter how many times I win an accolade, it does not sink in.
I sat in sociology class one day, when we talking about the downtrodden. How once people are kicked down and trounced upon over and over, they tend to stay that way. All of a sudden I sat up straight, class ended, and I found myself walking back to my car without the usual slouch, but with a sense of pride, walking tall, chin up, and I thought to myself "that'll never be me". And it has not. My sense of pride lasted about a week, before other stuff started happening that brought back my slouch, my sour puss, my pre-occupied way of being. I've had my moments - or weeks - where I was down in the dumps, woe is me, nobody likes me I'm gonna eat some worms. But I've never been at the point where I was not going to get up. I'm resillient. I dont even know why, but I just keep coming back. Something will set me off again, light a spark under me. Sometimes I think it's because I'm a fool. Sometimes I feel like a tough guy. But most of the time, none of the rebounds, none of the successes, none of the feathers in my cap seem to be in a mental collective, usable towards preventing the next potential downslide. In simple terms, I do not know how good I am.
I wish I did. There are so many things I've done that I still do not believe I did. There are, if we're going to look at the ratio, more wins than failures lately. Yet, those failures carry so much more weight than the triumphs. I think I know why. Conditioning: What I heard growing up were constant reminders of all the things I was supposed to do that I did not. Critical statements about all the things I did that I thought were good, but meant nothing to those who expected differently of me. With the slams outnumbering the attaboys 10 to 1, I guess I never believed the attaboys when I did get them. And so, I treat myself the same way.
Now I need to find a way to believe in myself. I really do.
SR
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Post by rosyred45 on Aug 23, 2004 17:14:26 GMT -5
Skylark, hey, how's it been going other than overcoming the complete odds against you  I'me really glad everything is going so well with nursing school. I don't have a good stomache for blood, so you one up me for that, oh and I hate needles, let alone, well, I do make a pretty good splinter taker outer to kids that are screaming bloody murder just looking at a pin and tweezers ;D Sorry, back on track. I am patting you on the back {{{{{{{pat}}}}}}}}CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stick that feather right out in front of your cap and be proud. It takes a special person to be a nurse, I should know, I hate doctors, but it is the nurses that always calm and reassure me so I don't look like the worlds biggest chicken when the doc walks in  And I bet you are raising on of the sweetest little boys. Now my son on the other hand is a mama's boy, he needs some daddy time.....getting on my last nerves Great to see ya going places!!!!!!!!!Keep up the good work. |
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Post by Linda on Aug 23, 2004 17:50:15 GMT -5
Hey, you have to believe in your self...look what you have accomplished!!Look how far you have come.That is what makes you a special person and you are going to be an excellent nurse with all that compassion!!
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Post by Douglas on Aug 27, 2004 8:54:45 GMT -5
Skylark, I can't tell you how inspired I am by this story!!! Thanks for sharing it!
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Post by tridlette on Aug 27, 2004 10:26:45 GMT -5
 Remember me... I am that little girl in kindergarten who adored you but was too shy to tell you how much I wanted to be just like you? I worked for 15 years as a respiratory therapist, so I feel confident in telling you a few things about what nursing school will be like. First thing... you got it made, you did your homework, and got all the pre requisites out of the way. Now you can devote all your time to the "important" stuff. Peds. is going to be easy for you since your little guy will be a wonderfully cooperative "guinea pig" for assessments! As an older student, your study skills will take you farther than the younger ones. Also, the fact that you are male, and if I remember right from grade school, you are really cute, the younger girls will fight to be your study partner. The patients always seem to have more confidence in male nurses too. I guess it is because they believe that a man crossing the stereotype line is sure of himself. *** And now, to build your personal confidence level... Get out a three ring binder, add a stack of page protectors. Get every one of those "brag" type letters, certificates, patches, and whatevers that make you feel good about yourself and put them into your own brag book! No one has to be allowed to see it, except you and your son (he will want to show it to his little friends over the years). I have mine. It starts out with a letter that I got from a high school teacher that said she was proud of how well I had done in a school concert that week. I have my "Letter" that I earned on the ski team. My EMT and paramedic certificates, tests that I got great scores on, a letter from the first patient that I did CPR on who survived, a certificate of attendance from a search and rescue conference I went to, a newspaper article from a high school track meet that I came in 3rd place. A patch from the Cub Scout camp that I volunteered at. The reciept from paying off my first car loan. The ribbon from Weight Watchers when I lost my first 25 lbs. Get the idea? It is one of those personal things that I can sit down with and remind myself of how far I have come from the drunken, pimply faced teen ager who failed sewing class. The high points of my life are all there to remind me! I was the ONLY one in my respiratory class that passed my national registry boards the first time! I even saved a letter to the editor written for our ambulance squad when we took care of the husband of a national celebrity and treated him with respect and privacy! Make a brag book! DO IT NOW, and keep it for yourself. You will see for yourself, undeniably, that you really are as wonderful as I thought you were in grade school! Laurie
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Post by rosyred45 on Aug 28, 2004 15:41:09 GMT -5
Trid you are so sweet, so when are you coming back to Jersey  Your lively hood needs to spread a little |
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Post by tridlette on Aug 28, 2004 21:49:48 GMT -5
How about tomorrow (Sunday)?
Chances are looking pretty good for a trip across the river in the morning. I'll call the club if I actually get out of bed in the morning!
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Post by buttercup on Aug 29, 2004 13:35:25 GMT -5
Wow Skylark, your story was so inspiring. Are you taking a medication that has made the difference?
I, too, have come a long way baby. Just having knowledge has made a difference for me, in and of itself.
I have an appt. with a new psychiatrist tomorrow. He works at the Amen clinic one or two day s a week in Newport Beach. I hope he's a good one. At least he is concerned enough to try to determine which kind of ADHD I have (the subtype). That was a switch from the usual "here, try this" approach I have received from so many unknowledgeable doctors.
Sounds like you will be a super nurse! I like the idea of a brag book too.
I know what you're talking about with the sociology topiic. I think I remember feeling the same way. Isn't it the theory that if you put a dog in a box it will try to get out, but at some point it will stop trying, even if you take the lid off? I always hated that. I totally related to what you also said about feeling like a fool cause you always keep trying.
Me too. It's the weirdest thing. I keep coming back and feeling like I look like the world's most enormous fool, and then I just think "oh well...nobody is focusing on my life that much anyway, might as well just impress myself."
Take care, skylark.
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Post by skylarkragtop on Aug 30, 2004 21:14:38 GMT -5
Skylark, hey, how's it been going other than overcoming the complete odds against you I'me really glad everything is going so well with nursing school. I don't have a good stomache for blood, so you one up me for that, oh and I hate needles, let alone, well, I do make a pretty good splinter taker outer to kids that are screaming bloody murder just looking at a pin and tweezers ;D Sorry, back on track. I am patting you on the back {{{{{{{pat}}}}}}}}CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stick that feather right out in front of your cap and be proud. It takes a special person to be a nurse, I should know, I hate doctors, but it is the nurses that always calm and reassure me so I don't look like the worlds biggest chicken when the doc walks in And I bet you are raising on of the sweetest little boys. Now my son on the other hand is a mama's boy, he needs some daddy time.....getting on my last nerves Great to see ya going places!!!!!!!!!Keep up the good work. Thanks RR, I appreciate your support. - SR |
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Post by skylarkragtop on Aug 30, 2004 21:18:09 GMT -5
Remember me... I am that little girl in kindergarten who adored you but was too shy to tell you how much I wanted to be just like you? I worked for 15 years as a respiratory therapist, so I feel confident in telling you a few things about what nursing school will be like. First thing... you got it made, you did your homework, and got all the pre requisites out of the way. Now you can devote all your time to the "important" stuff. Peds. is going to be easy for you since your little guy will be a wonderfully cooperative "guinea pig" for assessments! As an older student, your study skills will take you farther than the younger ones. Also, the fact that you are male, and if I remember right from grade school, you are really cute, the younger girls will fight to be your study partner. The patients always seem to have more confidence in male nurses too. I guess it is because they believe that a man crossing the stereotype line is sure of himself. *** And now, to build your personal confidence level... Get out a three ring binder, add a stack of page protectors. Get every one of those "brag" type letters, certificates, patches, and whatevers that make you feel good about yourself and put them into your own brag book! No one has to be allowed to see it, except you and your son (he will want to show it to his little friends over the years). I have mine. It starts out with a letter that I got from a high school teacher that said she was proud of how well I had done in a school concert that week. I have my "Letter" that I earned on the ski team. My EMT and paramedic certificates, tests that I got great scores on, a letter from the first patient that I did CPR on who survived, a certificate of attendance from a search and rescue conference I went to, a newspaper article from a high school track meet that I came in 3rd place. A patch from the Cub Scout camp that I volunteered at. The reciept from paying off my first car loan. The ribbon from Weight Watchers when I lost my first 25 lbs. Get the idea? It is one of those personal things that I can sit down with and remind myself of how far I have come from the drunken, pimply faced teen ager who failed sewing class. The high points of my life are all there to remind me! I was the ONLY one in my respiratory class that passed my national registry boards the first time! I even saved a letter to the editor written for our ambulance squad when we took care of the husband of a national celebrity and treated him with respect and privacy! Make a brag book! DO IT NOW, and keep it for yourself. You will see for yourself, undeniably, that you really are as wonderful as I thought you were in grade school! Laurie Laurie, Thanks for your kind words, your support, and your suggestions. I am going to assemble my brag book as soon as I clean up my office and file my papers. See, all my graded tests and papers are all over, so once I go through my piles of stuff, I'll find them all and put them in my book. I'm glad you're able to come out and tell me how you feel. SR |
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Post by skylarkragtop on Aug 30, 2004 21:25:15 GMT -5
Wow Skylark, your story was so inspiring. Are you taking a medication that has made the difference? I, too, have come a long way baby. Just having knowledge has made a difference for me, in and of itself. I have an appt. with a new psychiatrist tomorrow. He works at the Amen clinic one or two day s a week in Newport Beach. I hope he's a good one. At least he is concerned enough to try to determine which kind of ADHD I have (the subtype). That was a switch from the usual "here, try this" approach I have received from so many unknowledgeable doctors. Sounds like you will be a super nurse! I like the idea of a brag book too. I know what you're talking about with the sociology topiic. I think I remember feeling the same way. Isn't it the theory that if you put a dog in a box it will try to get out, but at some point it will stop trying, even if you take the lid off? I always hated that. I totally related to what you also said about feeling like a fool cause you always keep trying. Me too. It's the weirdest thing. I keep coming back and feeling like I look like the world's most enormous fool, and then I just think "oh well...nobody is focusing on my life that much anyway, might as well just impress myself." Take care, skylark. Buttercup, Nice to see that you know where I'm coming from. Meds? I'm a sporatic meds taker. Been diagnosed since 1999 and I still do not accept that I really need them. I take them for a while, then I think I'm OK, then I stop, and before you know it I do something that has my wife asking if I've been taking them. Ritalin focused me but I did not like how I felt on it. I am taking Straterra now, but I'm not really sure if it's doing all that much. I know it's slowing the wheels in my head down. I feel side effects too, which kinda bothers me, but I'm hoping that it'll help me because I like the idea that its not a controlled substance and I can get refills. I'll try Adderall next if this doesnt help me stay on task. SR |
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Post by Douglas on Aug 31, 2004 10:39:31 GMT -5
As-needed ADHD dosing is a subject that seems to pop up frequently ... i wonder if there is any published commentary by medical professionals on this? has anybody read anything?
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Post by rosyred45 on Sept 1, 2004 10:08:07 GMT -5
I have a couple of aquaintances that let their kids(teenagers) decide if they think they need it or not, Plus Linda'a grandson is trying school w/out it.
I haven't seen anything documented, I don't think anyhow
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george3
Member
Neverland, My real home.
Posts: 46
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Post by george3 on Sept 8, 2005 10:57:17 GMT -5
Hey Skylark,
It looks like you have chosen a good plan.
I have noticed that people with ADHD and ADD have a need for acceptance that keeps them on a roller coaster. I know because I rode that coaster my whole life. The one thing we have the most trouble with is choosing the correct people to need acceptance from. I can see you already have what you are looking for. There is a mirror of who you are in your child’s eyes. That image is a giant superhuman and a great hero. You have given who you really are to your child. That is the best evaluation of what you are really about. I know it hurts when you stretch yourself to do things that are above and beyond the call of duty and you relatives don’t seem to change the way they see you. It’s time we just say no more. The true picture of who you need to be is in your child’s eyes. I as a person recognize you for all of the things you have done that others haven’t given you credit for. I know I’m just me, but I still applaude you for what I’m sure was a list of many great things.
I have been through the education path. I can tell you that Adderall made the difference for me. It helped me make over a hundred average in my last three out of four master’s level classes. I found that a mild analgesic can reverse the side effects of the Adderall. It also reduces the blood pressure side effects when it is necessary.
We have to take things one thing at a time and focus on only that thing so we can keep on task. When the world and it’s opinions starts to creep in just push it away and refocus on what you are doing. If you start to feel like you are feeling unimportant in any way just look back in that mirror in your child’s eyes. That hero will still be right there. I found it helps me to take something with me to a job or a class I am in that keeps me feeling pumped up. You could put a picture of you child on the front of your book covers and folders.
Your doing a great job man. Keep going forward. I wish you the best. Hang in there.
Someone who has been there too,
George
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Post by sweety on Sept 8, 2005 13:51:36 GMT -5
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