Sensitivity to People

[buttercup]

Songwriter--you're hearing them too?! Phew!

Hi Amsmom, yes, boundaries are so hard for me to enforce. I still like the whistle idea. teehee I am so happy that I, too, have bailed out on a few people that were just over the top. I have never regretted it.

[stew4me]

Buttercup I am still ROFLMAO. I get people like this all the time I"m not sure if it is the fact that I have 0 patience or what but they make me a nervous wreck. I can't breath when they are around me. The anxiety attacks kick into high gear. ;D
WELCOME to the boards. there are a lot of great peole here and we have a lot of fun. As you can see

[Douglas]

Ordinarily, I find weirdo types amusing. When I recently started taking Concerta, I found that they irritated me incredibly ...

[buttercup]

Hi Stew and Douglas, thanks for your posts. I just re-read my post and had forgotten what a day that was! Ugh.

I am armed with Ritalin again, so it makes it easier to deal with people.

Update:

*I ignored neighbor lady and she has gone away.
*Found new singing teacher - laughed with friends about the other one.
*Received a $250 refund for the hair screwup. The beauty supply store paid the bill; the hairdresser did not.
*Half sister & brother - no change. Just letting it go for now.
*Co-workers - 2 ON VACATION! There IS a kind, merciful God. The other one (who opens all doors with a napkin - germs) - tried to start with me yesterday. I just focused on my work and blew him off.
*Relentless weird acquaintances - one left for Alaska; the other is busy? Have been practicing "I am busy."

So, for now...AAAAAH! Sweet relief.

[rosyred45]

I'm STILL holding my breath for my annoying used be friend. But it's holding up here too. Thankfully.

Glad to hear it's looking up for you buttercup.

Now if only my house would clean itself

[buttercup]

Anyone care for Round 2 of my annoying people rants?

Luckily, I was armed with Ritalin last night, so while I experienced 2 majorly annoying people, I was able to enjoy being calmly judgemental...hee hee

I signed up for a screenwriting class at a university. It is so fun to me that 3 hours just fly by. Last night was the first night and as an example of how screenwriting is a collaborative art process, the teacher asked us to split into groups of 4. She then gave us this scenario..."A man named Tyrone is in a basement." Now, make a thriller out of that. I want the 4 of you to make decisions as a group about how to make this a thriller.

Having a degree in communication makes these group situations very interesting to me. I am very aware of how people will quickly organize themselves and establish themselves as leaders, etc.

Well, two people emerged immediately as the types that would make me HATE a job if I had to work with them. One lady immediately started taking over and trying to "guide" the discussion. She somehow considered herself to be an expert. She was so full of herself and completely ungracious and just wanted to bulldoze through.

She is someone who is task oriented. In my opinion, even if we didn't come up with a single idea at the end of 15 min., it would still be a very interesting contribution to the experiment. We would be able to say that our group threw out a lot of ideas, but we weren't really willing to commit to anything. That's valuable too. Some groups were really proud to have had a complete story line within 15 min. Great, but the story was boring.

The guy in our group was equally annoying in that he was also controlling, except only as an arguer. He didn't have much to contribute; just wanted to shoot the ideas anyone threw into theitdown with a loud, audible sound of exasperation. He wanted the story to be cliche. Hs contributions were like he was trying to create a movie we have all seen a billion times. Instead of adding interesting twists to the story, he was saying "look, the man is tied up with a rope; he has duct tape on his mouth." Gee, how novel.

I would say something like, "well, how about if we don't have duct tape because he could be unconscious and wake up to discover that he is bound in a straight jacket or something creepy. Without duct tape we can make it interesting by allowing the character to have possible options for the way he could choose to act?"

"NO!!!" He exclaims as he exasperatedly flops his head on the desk. "He would just naturally scream. I mean, what else is he going to do?"

I'm like "well, he might not just scream at first. He might start to scream and then he hears noises from another room; like his wife. He almost screams when he hears her scream, but then her scream turns to laughter. See? He has choices. He needs to be clever with figuring out what is going on and how he will act. There could be a creepy reason why they don't want him gagged."

I have seen HIS movie idea about 10K times on an episode of Charlie's Angels or something. Blah. But, more than that is the outright audacity of those two people to not "collaborate" just to attempt to control and diminish others' contributions.

Annoying, Annoying, Annoying.

BTW - we used my idea to have a scream that turned to a laugh. Of all the groups, the instructor said "Wow, that is very interesting. It's a fabulous example of a good misdirect. Excellent." Thank you. ;D

The other woman in the group was my favorite kind. Turns out she is a lawyer--maybe she is used to a more careful approach? I don't know, but it was wonderful. I would say, "how about if we make it daytime, because most scary movies happen at night? maybe it would be more creepy in the middle of the day?" She would say, "Ooh, I can picture that. And, how about if he is bound up somehow?" And, we would kind of go back and forth like that. Just sort of adding and twisting. I love people like that.

With the other two, I constantly found myself having to backtrack and say, "Well, ok, is it really important to you that the woman we hear is his wife?" Ugh. The story felt like it was more about letting them have their way then getting to an interesting story.

I can really appreciate now why creative, sensitive people really need the right kind of people around them. The controller is probably a great task master. By God, the job will get done. It might not be interesting, but we WILL have 120 pages in 2 weeks. She should be the project manager. The guy is probably better at being a technician. He KNOWS how things go.

Being creative for me requires that I am around possibilities thinkers--people who have the ability to just toss out ideas and watch them float. We try them this way and that. We ignore rationality for a minute, we can tune out logical, and we like to take time to imagine. We don't see things as set in stone. It's just a game of make believe and we are trying to amuse ourselves...it is FUN...and even more fun if you find the right playmate who gets this. We are not afraid to be outrageous or silly.

But now I am annoying myself by sounding like I know I'm a treat to be around and am better than everyone else. Yuck. Don't hate me.

But, I can really understand now how important it is for me to do everything in my power to surround myself with the kind of people that make me thrive on a daily basis--and how deadly the other types are for me. It's ok for a short exercise, but for an entire career?

I loved that the Ritalin made me just observe and not get upset. But, true to my ADHD nature, I was as much interested in the annoyances of these people and dissecting it, as much as I was intrigued about creating a story. They were getting in the way. A lot of you probably know what I am talking about.

You'll be at an interesting lecture and you can hear someone clicking their nails...or talking to themselves (yes, this happened) and it has the power to bring the lecture to a screeching halt in your mind. Ritalin definitely helps me to just hear it, but get past it.

blah blah blah - I feel guilty writing such a long post. But, wait...I started the thread. It's ok, right?

[rosyred45]

Even if you didn't start it, you can type as much as your little heart desires. I do it all the time, were do you think the motor mouth thing came from.

Since I work with kids, I relate everything on kids levels. Yeah, not always wise, but oh well, I'm nice and polite and just wondering how some people survived childhood. And then looking at the kids I work with, I'm wondering if they are going to make it.

A couple years ago, we did a "resturant" theme on half days, where the big kids served the little kids and the little kids used play money. It was all quite cute. Until I asked one kid to open a can for me. THEY FOUGHT OVER A CAN OPENER

None of the kids, well, I can't say none, most of the kids didn't have manual, you know-normal-can openers, they had electric ones. I had to bring in more cans so they all got a chance to use the can opener

Oh well of to do pickles
Take care

[buttercup]

Hi, guess who?

Oh yah...there's more. I posted "May Day May Day" but now it's also about my brother.

In short, he is doing crazymaking and so I thought I'd just post something that might be interesting to the rest of you.

First, I have a B.S. in Interpersonal Communicaiton. Does this make me a relationship expert? Uh, no. It was no ACCIDENT that I ended up in the degree however (how cliche) since the family I grew up in was as dysfunctional as the Adam's Family and not nearly as warm.

Here are two concepts that my family communications professor (head of the comm. dept.) talked about in a lecture one day. Mystification and Incongrueencies. She concluded with "raise a child this way and you have a good chance of creating a schizophrenic by the time they are 16."

Mystification (aka crazymaking) is the process of continually telling someone that they are not seeing or feeling what they are. For example... Child: "I saw you and daddy fighting last night." Mother: "No you didn't." Child: "I am sad." Parent: "No you aren't." This can result in a person who eventually is not even sure of their own feelimgs, or learn how never to dare to question someone who isn't making sense.

Incongruencies (aka double messages): Picture a parent saying to a child "I love you very much" but they physcially barely touch the child in the embrace...just sort of keep a lot of distance and give them little pats on the back. It is a double message; it's not congruent with how they feel. Or, someone who says "I'm not mad" but they do all sorts of angry gestures, have a tone of voice, etc.

I thought this was really interesting and without launching into an example, my brother is this way. Recently, I actually had to sit down and write a timeline of his inconsistencies and mystifications just to make sure I wasn't missing something. One of the solutions is to 'name the game.' Call people on it. But you have to be sure you are willing to reap the repurcussions. In my brother's case, I just keep a log since he is so far in denial it's not even funny. It's especially important because as an ADHD person, I tend to forget details very easily and I am vulnerable to suggestion. That is, they can tell me a whole different version of the history of things and I get lost and confused b/c I can't remember how things actually went.

[rosyred45]

Heck, call him on stuff, why not. He's causing problems somehow or another, but I like the idea of wrting it down.. Just be prepared for him to say you bs'ed the whole thing.

I got your back....
Kaiti

[buttercup]

Ok, buttercup is about to have an ADHD-sized meltdown on a guy at work.

This married weasel has at various times tried to become too inappropriately familiar and cozy with me. He has gotten away with it in the sense that I have never turned him in, but I have managed him by doing what we adhder's do best...just give in to our impulsive, explosive side and let him have it in the most un-cushioned way in front of everyone "I SAID NO, I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH YOU GLENN...I MEAN GREGORY (ha! thanks for the memory issues too adhd...it added further insult). He didn't speak to me for an entire year after that.

Well, it has been 3 years and now he has built up his confidence to be friendly, but he just KEEPS pushing those boundaries little by little...ever so subtly, but cleverly as any perv is good at. It's overly gushy emails but nothing incriminating (well spaced out), little candy deliveries to all the girls. In the kitchen, he actually came up and threw in an arm touch to make a point. It caught me off guard and was not quite enough to make a scene about, but NOW...

HE'S GONE WAY OVER THE TOP!!!!! but not with me...with my best friend/co-worker. He does the same stuff to her, but she is nice to him where I might just walk off in the middle of a conversation I don't like and say "gotta go." So, she told me yesterday that he has been coming up to her desk and sort of rubbing her back when he talks to her (I didn't know that--augh!) and that yesterday, he came up while she was sitting at her desk, started rubbing her back, and went "MMMMmmm" and then kissed her on the HEAD!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!

I have been begging her to say something--he has really crossed the line and laid such a heavy burden onto her. I told her that he is relying on her to keep his stupid secrets. He just keeps getting bolder and bolder. She said it started with a little hug (eww), then little pats and rubs on the back, then this... She doesn't want to make a "thing" of it; doesn't want to embarrass or jeopardize his job and that's EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS! Told her...he is doing this to himself; you are not doing anything. I can't say anything to anyone now either because it would be a betrayal to our friendship.

He is such a sickening little weasel. He keeps bringing me "important" information on things that he knows I'm interested in. He forced a video on me that has been sitting unwatched in my house for like 3 mo. So, today I brought it in and just stuck it on his desk. He came running over "did you like?" I said, "I haven't watched it. I don't have the time nor the interest." (Yah, I was a real sweetheart today.) He said, "then go ahead and keep it." I said, "Nope. Don't want to." Gregory, "Oh but you must." "Nope. Not interested. Take it away, it's just cluttering my house right now." Grrrrrrrrrr! He wimpered away, looking all confused and hurt. He ain't seen nothin' yet.

I swear, I am just praying that he comes over and gives it another shot with me because I am just all primed to make the biggest mountainous ski resort over the smallest molehill today. I am SOOO mad. I will let my ADHDness just fly like a scud missle that is pretty surgically precise when I'm on Ritalin like I am today.

Before he was just innocuously annoying--I dumped all of his stupid emails since they just seemed so stupid. What a mistake. He is one of these quiet, sneaky types that everyone seems to revere as a genious engineer. Well, for as well read as he purports to be, he doesn't seem to have a clue about harrassment on the job. Or, just like any experienced perp, he just knows who to keep pushing it with. GRRRRRRRRRR.....

[rosyred45]

OK, quick question. Have you witnessed any of the harrassment? and is it making your friend uncomfortable but she feels threatened for her job or some retaliation from him of some sort? If so it is called Sexual Harrassment and it is against the law. Not to sound like I'm yelling or anything, but I feel for your friend for not saying a word and for you keeping quiet.

Ask her if she wants an annonymous(you) tip to Human Resources that he is crossing the line with co-workers, but they are afraid of backlash. I know what you mean when you want to say somehting soo bad but can't for whatever reason.

You can get something rolling with her cooperation.
Good Luck
Kaiti

[buttercup]

Kaiti,

I have only witnessed him giving us both candy. I have never seen anything else. I would love nothing to stick it to him HARD. She just isn't willing.

<pause>

YOU CANNOT BELIEVE IT!! HE MUST BE A MASOCHIST. He just barely came over here 2 minutes ago while I was typing this and tried to do a hit-n-run of sneaking up on me with a little chocolate delivery like a mischievous little boy. I whipped around on him and said "HERE!" and handed it right back to him. He goes "If you don't like that, you can just give it away." I just said, "NO! Take it" He looked all hurt and confused. I just turned around. My God! Maybe he's going to push it after all. On top of it all, I am PMSing, so he's going to have a wildcat on his hands.

[rosyred45]

hee hee he does have a fight with the pmsing

I don't know, maybe he might be a flirt, but he sounds very obnoxious from what you describe.

OK step back from you for a minute. Ask your self, is he being annoying, obnoxious or harassing?

If you have already asked him to stop more than 2 times, he's harrasing, from my view point. Not even necessarily sexual, but if you have already done your best to be cordial, someone needs to step in and tell him his behavior is bothering people.

I don't know what more to say, I have never been in an office enviornment, so I can't say how I'd really react.

Luck to ya
Kaiti

[buttercup]

I have never seen the movie "Bourne Identityf" but in the previews for the sequel it says something like "First they hunted him; now he is going after THEM." That's just how I feel.

[buttercup]

Update--the girl at work finally wrote him what she said was an overly nice letter telling him that he made her uncomfortable. She said he wrote back, apologized, and said he would never do it again.

Ugh...Ok, I have to remind myself that I don't ALWAYS have over-the-top reactions. But, when I do....apparently it is like a team of fire engines blaring down the street.