Being hard on self

[shardstar]

I had a particularly AWFUL day today! I went to see a corporate account of the offices and brought along my Regional manager, who is my direct boss. We get there, and the account had nothing but complaints. It was BAD. They sort of caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting this meeting to be so negative.

So my boss takes me out to lunch afterwards and I almost wanted to puke my lunch up. He basically chewed me a new butthole! I know it's his job to make sure that everything is running smoothly and it's my job too, and it wasn't like the problems that occured were due to a screw up on my part, but I didn't need to hear what he was saying to me because I was already saying those things to myself and much worse. If it were just me, and I had no one to talk to, I would have taken every bit of blame on myself.

Luckily, when I got back to the office, a coworker/friend helped me see that I was being way too hard on myself. I still spent the rest of the day thinking about every fault I have. I procrastinate too much, I'm not always proactive enough, I put things off, I'm not assertive enough, etc. I started thinking about how I always feel like my boss made a big mistake by promoting me to the position of office manager and how I feel like I'm just faking it, and he'll figure out that fact one day soon.

But then, on my hour drive home, I started thinking that maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always have to beat myself up so hard? Do any of you ADHD'ers find that you are a lot harder on yourselves, than your non ADHD friends?

[songwriter]

ditto-
bet your a perfectionist,too.
have a talk with yourself and make sure you remember to use plenty of compliments.don't just dwell on the bad stuff.
I know, easier said than done
-songwriter

[aaa-alison]

Write down a list of your positive qualities. Then write a list of why you were promoted-what your boss saw in you. Then create a list of everything you are doing right in your life. Being hard on yourself is mean and it doesn't achieve anything. Don't do it. You deserve to feel good about yourself. You've been promoted-if they didn't think you could do the job they wouldn't have promoted you. Delegate-whatever your weaknesses are-delegate others to take the responsibility to get it done or to help you see stuff through. A manager is a captain of a boat. what does a captain do. All the outside stuff not the inside stuff. You keep an eye on the weather, talk to other captain, tell your crew to work harder, correct their mistakes, and roll with the punches of the sea.

[ohmama]

shardstar,
Wow, what's with that boss of yours? I was an office manager a while back and had a wonderful boss who never made me feel like what you describe. If I did something wrong he was very positive and encouraging. This motivated me to want to do better. It is never acceptable to chew someone out and make them feel down or to be disrespectful on such a personal level. You said you already felt bad, what was he/she trying to accomplish by making it worse? Sounds like this person could use a lesson in how to motivate someone if they are to be in a position of authority. Your boss was just dumping on you (emotional abuse) it doesn't sound like anything constructive.

One of the most outstanding books ever written, that should be read by anyone who is a boss or office manager is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. There is no excuse for anyone to be treated like you were. If you can find this book you may want to gift wrap it and slip it into his/her desk. If you read it you will understand how it can and has changed peoples lives.

[shardstar]

Thanks so much for all of your support! I agree with you, Ohmama, the way my boss went about this was just wrong. I know he was upset about the way the meeting went, but to ream me out about it when I was feeling the same way that he was, was not the way to go!

Thanks to you, aaa-alison and songwriter for your suggestions. I guess it's better to dwell on the positive rather than the negative. I think I was just feeling sorry for myself. I have a tendency to be hyper critical of myself anyway, so when things go wrong, it gets worse.

[SKay]

That is an interesting question. While I've not heard it being an ADD trait, I've heard several ADDers admit to being hard on themselves so I've wondered that too.

[aaa-alison]

Sure we are hard on ourselves and it definantly, I believe, is an ADD trait. We live in a very fast paced critical world which prizes intelligence, achievement, status, and money. And we have what most people desperately want-Most of us can be really smart-at times. But it is the "At times" part that makes people treat us like crap and makes us feel bad about ourselves. At times-our light shines through-and people get hungry and jealous for more. At times-we are brilliant-and people get dreamy about all the things we could be if we could just change. And at times-we are amazingly creative-the box being an invention for us to think outside of. So people blame us for not being all these things all the time. Not being totally with it-when we just completed some brilliant crazy scheme a second ago. Not being totally there-when we were just so focused on a video game. And not being totally together-when we seem so gifted. They blame us and we blame ourselves. All of this equals low self esteem which adds up to the ADD trait of being super hard on ourselves and perfectionist. But listen-I've totally been granted a reprieve through medication. Please try the medication route out if you haven't already. It saved my life and is making me whole and a whole lot happier with myself.

[shardstar]

Yeah, I guess especially for me and others who were dx'd later in life, and never knew what the heck was wrong and why they had so much trouble functioning in certain situations, it's easy to fall into the self critical mold. When you've spent your whole life not quite living up to your own expectations, it's easy to have self doubt.

I was just cleaning the house, and I found two things that I totally forgot about. My daughter's After School program bill that was due on April 20 (oops!) and a letter to Parents in her class about a Family Project that is due this Friday, that we haven't even started yet. I started thinking darnit how could I forget this stuff! Why do I always do this! I suck!!! etc. But then I said whoa.....chill out, you can fix it, you'll get the bill there and pay the late fee on Monday, and you'll start working on the project today. You still have 5 days. It's not the end of the world.

I think I'm going to really have to stop immediately punishing myself, because it doesn't help anyone, and it wastes energy that could be spent on other things!

p.s. aaa-alison I AM on meds, but unfortunately they haven't changed my whole life yet. You sound like you're so much happier now. Good for you!!! ;D

[Sorka]

I've spent several nights laying in bed going over things that didn't go well.. beating up on myself etc.. Then if I don't have enough current stuff to fill the bill I go and rehash all the old stuff..

With me it's the voice of my parents.. this is good but... you are pretty but... a B is good but... I think I could have gotten straight a ++ and they would have found some way for me to improve..

So I see my self critizism as mostly and extention of that..
But yes I am MUCH harder on my self than anyone else could ever be..

D