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Post by Honeysmom on Mar 9, 2004 1:34:03 GMT -5
Last week I wrote a response to one of Barry's posts re: ODD. What I wrote bothered me all week, I had said that I was a nightmare as a kid. I never put that in writing before and I started to feel a decent amount of guilt over it. Then, as luck would have it, I called my mom on Saturday morning for the heck of it. I knew she was crying when she anwsered. She wouldn't tell me why until I pressed her for about 5 minutes, but it turns out she was cleaning out her dresser and she came across a note that I had written about 12 years or so ago. It was an apology for something I did, and we couldn't decide what. There were too many instances. Then she had to go quick b/c she had to go on her treadmill and get to the dry cleaners by noon.
After I hung up I really felt like garbage. I thought, my mom is still crying about things that happened as long as 15 years ago. Then I started to cry, so I called her back. We ended up having the best talk I have ever had with her in my life. I told her that I never wanted to lie, I did it b/c I made bad decisions, and then I knew it, and I didn't want to them to be disappointed again...so then came the lie. I always got caught, and to this day I think she has someone following me, she knew waaaaay too much!! I also told her that I never was really as bad as they thought and she brought a bunch of things up and I explained the real circumstances to her, not the ones they just assumed. It was amazing how different our stories were on so many things.
Then she did admit to me that she has always known (after the fact) that she and my dad were hard on me to the point that it caused harm. Not physically, but emotionally. She said she regrets not picking up on it sooner that I had some problems. I understand where she is comming from and she understood where I was comming from. For the first time in years I felt like I was being forgiven, and for the first time pretty much ever, she has stopped thinking I am a nut for being so cautious about my kids feelings.
So, the moral of the story is, all of the parents who have kids who are lying, hanging with the wrong crowd, and getting into "kid trouble," have hope. It took both of us a lot of years, but we are finally seeing each others points of view and saying sorry for things that we should have years ago. Keep up like you are, take care of your kids and your selves and someday it will pay off!!!!
Becky
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Post by Linda on Mar 9, 2004 8:07:19 GMT -5
Becky,I could really relate to your story...to this day I regret being so hard on my older son(Pauls dad).
I brought it up to him one day and told him I was sorry I was so hard on him when he was a kid...he just said I had nothing to be sorry for...he deserved everything he got.Not so sure about that,but I can't change it either.
All we can do is learn from our mistakes,and I think I have.
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Post by Honeysmom on Mar 9, 2004 10:20:45 GMT -5
You know, I think after I had my own kids it really hit home that my parents were not trying to be mean or unfair or anything like that. I realized that they were doing their best. I used to expect them to do everything right, then I had Honey....  |
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Post by finnmom on Mar 9, 2004 11:03:51 GMT -5
Becky  It´s so great that you´ve got a change to speak everything out with your mom, so good for both of you! Great! Marja |
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Post by ohmama on Mar 9, 2004 11:47:41 GMT -5
Becky,
I found your post very touching as it brought back a flood of memories about my father and our relationship. I think I was one of the worst teenagers on the planet. As I raced through life so careless, causing him great pain, in and out of trouble. He was always there. His love never stopped even though I didn't deserve it.
Years later as an adult I had a serious medical problem that required an operation and it made me stop and think about my life and about our relationship. I called him and apologized for all the years I caused him grief. I asked him how he could put up with all that and still love me? He just laughed and said, "that's what love is. Forget it, it's already forgotten by me." I didn't seem to notice as the years took their toll on him. It all went too fast. He died a few years ago and I'm so glad I took the time to make that phone call.
Thank you for sharing your very personal and warm post about your mother. I am glad to see you have reinforced the bond you both share. I know it will be one of your treasures to remember always.
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Post by tridlette on Mar 9, 2004 16:53:01 GMT -5
Becky, Thank you! I have tears rolling down my face,  have had them all day. Michael is giving me such grief over school, that I have been just a total wreck. I needed the gentle reminder about why I am so stressed. It is because I care soooo much for him, and all the boys that I am so defensive today. Just when I feel I have overcome my emotions, another crisis arises between the boys and I fall apart again. I called my mom twice this weekend... and I had my mother in law here with me. I don't know why God brought you and I together today in the forum... but I needed you and your story. Thank you. My tears aren't stopping, but at least I know why they are flowing. I love my kids so much that today it is spilling out through my eyes  Laurie |
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Post by rosyred45 on Mar 9, 2004 17:45:23 GMT -5
Pass the box of tissues over here I have come to realize and appreciate more and moe each day. As I second Tridlette, my kids are cleaning a painting "area". I stopped to see what they were doing. Please don't come looking in my kitchen righ now. They are putting paint away. Wiping up what they spilled, and I am biting my tongue and clasping my hands letting them do it. I know that If I go in there now, it would be a bad night the rest of the night because they didn't do it my way and I'd be screaming and hollaring Alright, they are out of there, let me go see the damages. There's some dried paint on the table, but other than that. I guess I found this at just the right time, like Tridlette said, I don't know why or what force brought us here, but it did. Thanks Becky Kaiti |
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Post by 1mom on Mar 9, 2004 18:47:16 GMT -5
thank you becky, for sharing so much of your heart and soul with us. i also needed to hear a part of what you wrote--it was just for M E.
another fine coincidence, make that GODincident!
thank you!
prayers and hugs,
1mom
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Post by HooDunnit on Mar 10, 2004 18:08:08 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing that story Honeysmom. RE "I had said that I was a nightmare as a kid." My ADHD-son isn't a nightmare by any means, but he has a kind of hard, protective shell on him. Whether teenagers are offensive or defensive, it seems that to some extent they need to be -- that's how they establish themselves independently of their parents. So I think that it's important for parents to give up control over them, while trying at the same time to remain helpful. And it seems to me that it is important for teenagers themselves to forgive themselves for their oppositional and defiant behavior. To some extent it is necessary. That's how they establish themselves in the world. It can go too far, of course, and be hurtful. And that's where love comes in, I guess.
Parents can model love and letting go. After all, they are the ones that are the adults. Having a child, even a challenging one, is such a privilege.
Barry
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Post by Honeysmom on Mar 11, 2004 16:07:03 GMT -5
Barry, I think you are right. At some point you have to assert your independance, it is part of growing up. (can someone please tell my MIL she is supposed to let go??)
I don't think a lot of the things I did were all that bad,(except the lying) but I have a really hard time with communication. That is why I love the computer. No one can see me. On the other hand, it isn't that great b/c face to face contact forces me to deal with people. I just am not all that good in any situation that is tense at all. I look at the floor and wish I could disappear. I know that added to it.
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Post by savvymom1 on Mar 12, 2004 19:28:27 GMT -5
Becky, what a wonderful story! It is a blessing that you and your mom cleared the air. I bet you are glad you did it. This touched me so much.
I was actually a pretty good kid. I mostly followed a straight and narrow path. That said-- I still did my share of normal teen things. I thought I was such a handful at the time but looking back, I really wasn't. My mom and I are fortunate to have lots of chances to get together these days. She makes it clear that she loves and respects me. I only hope she knows how much I admire her. Thanks so much for sharing!
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Post by Honeysmom on Mar 15, 2004 23:51:22 GMT -5
It actually worked out so well. I had my in-laws (and I swear they all brought a friend with them) at my house for the weekend. My mom knows I have a really hard time with them and she actually called me before hand to let me know that if they are getting to be too much and I have a free minute I could call her. It really touched me that she was that thoughtful.
And I did end up calling her, just to let her know that they finally left...whoo hooo!!! ;D
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Post by rosyred45 on Mar 16, 2004 8:10:19 GMT -5
The more I have thought about this since first seeing it, my mom might get on my nerves, but I love her to pieces for everything that she has done for me and my kids. She lost her mom to cancer when she was only 19. She quit college to come home and care for her 4 other brothers and sisters, one of which was my aunt that was only 4 months old.
I sit back and think I want this and I want that. Then I think of all that she has been through. She was a mom just thrown into it. I never met my mom-mom, but from what I have heard, my mom has her resilience and determination. It took her until 1995 to graduate from college, but she is now a science teacher, just like she has always wanted.
Becky thank you for opening my eyes.
Kaiti
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MaBe
New Member
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Post by MaBe on Apr 2, 2004 13:46:05 GMT -5
Becky, I was really moved by your post. It's refreshing to hear stories about moms/daughters with such an open relationship. You may have had a "bumpy road", but you're both working on it together. How wonderful, I'm sure you will cherish your time together, now and always. I'm 27 years old and my mom still doesn't know I have ADD ... among the other psychological diagnoses. We just don't discuss those things. She's judgemental, and unwilling to listen whole-heartedly (about anything, really). She cuts me off, and tells me I'm feeling another way, or I should be, for that matter. *sigh* There is also a language barrier. She's Japanese, speaks decent English, however to ability to understand could improve; though she raised me by herself, my Japanese speaking is now at a rudimentary level (it was better before) ... which is just not enough. I fear one of us will die before something is done. We see each other 2-3 times a week, and even then we're not on the same page. We only started telling each other "I love you" after my son was born 3 years ago, and even now it's just being "said to be said". I wish you more luck in working things out with your mom. Tell her I say hi and that even I appreciate her. Bright Blessings always. Maya |
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Post by aimee30 on Apr 2, 2004 20:25:06 GMT -5
Becky,
I just came across this post and wanted to let you know that I admire you for being able to go and talk to your mom. Sometimes I wish I could do the same thing. We talk (almost everyday) but it is surface stuff. There are some things that we need to discuss about my childhood. At times I think it may be best left the way it is. At others I really want to talk about it. Like you I lack the communication skills. Maybe some day. There are some things that I have forgiven of her but others that I feel are unresolved. I better stop before I write a book about my childhood.
Just wanted to thank you for sharing this with us.
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