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Post by sherry on Dec 9, 2004 22:20:31 GMT -5
HI! Everyone I haven't posted latley but I am still actively reading and enjoing our group I have a question I would like to ask. What do you say when your child just says no?  Lately when I ask my ds with adhd to do something sometimes he will just flat out say no! It is so frustrating and I never know what to do when faced with it! He is 7 and I physicaly have to place him in his room when he is not behaving. I put him in his room and walk away, than I put him in his room again and walk away, than I put him in his room and walk away! Yup sometimes four or five times  He also has been diagnosed with odd. This calm repetative approche is getting exausting I am a single mom about 5'4 and 110lbs it is not going to be long before I can't do this physical struggle of putting him back were he belongs!  I was hopping anyone had suggestions on what to do when they say no I will not do homework, or clean my mess, or brush my teeth ect... I also make it very clear that these things are not hurting me, because he will have to do his homework at recces tomorow or his teeth will rot out or his toys will be thrown away ect... I am just getting tired of the whole No thing! Thanks for listining Hope all is well! :-XSherry |
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Post by GSDMommy on Dec 10, 2004 7:25:09 GMT -5
This is very very very familiar. One thing I found was the calm notification of consequences as well. The calm approach works well, but you have to have some boundary that will affect the kid's outlook. One thing that worked was bedtime being moved up 15 minutes for an infraction. Another thing was the removal of the beloved video games and TV, but beinga single mom you are severely stuck with very little recourse because they all have to be limits you can reliably enforce. No fun!
WHat support net do you have that you can rely on?
One other thing I would suggest from my own dealings, avoid as much of the physical intervention as possible because that will later be something that is used as a tactic. I am 5'3" and at that point was about 115. My oldest would be oppositional and it was my thoughts to move him to his time out area, but he would use that so self escalate and then the tantrum would start and he would proceed to beat the snot out of me. Just a thought........ is your son ODD only? I am wondering about the biPolar aspect and wondering if the ADHD/ODD thing is more commonly a mistaken dx instead of biPolar........I think we are seeing some interesting DSM changes coming about.......
hugs and prayers, I know you are at the end of your rope and getting worn down as a single mom is scary!
take care!
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Post by finnmom on Dec 10, 2004 10:23:59 GMT -5
Sherry, good question  I usually start counting and they know to do as been told But how to make that as an model of behaviour  I know you´ve tried almost anything, but persistancy worked for me, they tried and tried, but then they eventually learned that when mommy tell´s you, you´d better move  Well, not all the time, but most of the time. I agree Gsdmommy; you cant make him move physically when he get´s bigger, so you have to create an other way now. Take out priviledges, try to say No for something important for him....I tell mine "o´kay, then it´s No for....."(what ever it is that they appresiate at the time). It always work´s bette for me if I can stay calm and rational, they see that I´am not giving up... but boy, does that get exhausting I know, nothing new, sorry  Hang in there  |
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Post by AnneM on Dec 12, 2004 13:30:56 GMT -5
This is a tough question!! ... I do agree that being calm and not shouting can make a huge difference but also know this is NOT easy when being "pushed to the limits" !! ... I also agree with Marja on the counting ... 1, 2,3, ... this generally worked with my son when he was younger but then again what do you do if you get to the "top number" and still haven't got compliance!! YIKES!! ..
My son is now 16.5 and definitely past the age where he could be 'physically' forced to do something ... but the reality (thankfully) that I have found is that at 16 they don't actually NEED to be physically forced to do anything ... age and growing up kind of takes care of that ... BUT I remember when he was younger thinking exactly that ... "How am I going to get him to do something when I can no longer pick him up or push him or pull him?" .. Don't worry!! You really WILL probably find you just don't "need to" any longer !!
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Post by TexasMom on Dec 13, 2004 23:07:19 GMT -5
Anne,
Promise? she says as she goes to try to get her 5'2" 140 lbs 11 yr-old to take a bath and go to bed... (a nightly ritual that usually takes an hour or so)
This kid will be a monster by the time he's 16.
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Post by rosyred45 on Dec 14, 2004 7:34:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry not to be much of a help, but I have found that with persistance and the fact that you DON'T back down, that helps. |
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Post by Sorka on Dec 14, 2004 8:03:57 GMT -5
Get a big box.. .. then each no using the calm approach place one favourite item in the box (here a flat out no gets a transformer put away) Then it stays in the box for at least 48 hours.. minimum. Each no that follows gets another item placed in the box. Continue this until either.. a. all his things are in the box or b. the no's stop. If and when the no's stop then each Yes.. earns and item back.. You really have to start it out with a FAVOURITE thing.. to get his attention. Lay out the deal ahead of time so he knows what is coming.. using that calm approach.. he is old enough to understand that Mom goes to work and gets paid.. well if you don't go you don't get paid right? For him.. his work is shool, homework etc.. he gets 'paid' by having nice things and priveleges right? Well if he doesn't do the 'work' he doesn't get the stuff. Simple, no physical confrontations.. (I hope) get a locked box or use a locked suitcase if nessesary. Just an idea.. it sure works here. Denise |
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Post by sherry on Dec 14, 2004 15:05:57 GMT -5
:-XThank you all for your advice I am deffinatly gonna try the thing suggested ! It just gets soooo frustrating sometimes when they just say no! It makes me want to screem! AND HOW ABOUT LYING! Doese adhd give them the ability to lie about just bout everthing? I will see him do something and he will say he did not do it!  Oh well I am going to get a tub to put his stuff in for when he says no...... HE HE HE like Sorka suggested. Thanks again Sherry |
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Post by rosyred45 on Dec 15, 2004 7:47:33 GMT -5
Well, from a child psycology stand point when kids first lie, it is to please their parents. The parents don't want to hear that the kid did anything wrong, so just tell them different.
When they realize they will get into trouble for what ever the infraction, that is when the devious lying starts. I have never punished my kids for telling the truth. The action I have punished, if it wasn't appropriate, but never the truth. AND I get the truth 9/10 times still.
When you see the kids doing something, and they say NO YOU DIDN"T. That is their knee jerk reaction to trying to get out of trouble. If you let them know that you know what they did, ask them WHY they did it, not if they did it. That is just setting them up to lie.
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Post by Sorka on Dec 15, 2004 8:02:02 GMT -5
Ahh lying.. I do give them one chance to fess up.. and usually they do because then we talk over what they did and depending on what they did they may get punished... but most of the time like Kaiti I don' t The truth pays out big time and then they realise that and will tend to be more truthful the next time.. Good luck with the tub o' stuff.. I have a feeling if you stick to it.. you won't need that big tud pretty darn quick.. but typically it takes 2 weeks for any major behaviour change.. so stick to your guns yep.. even through Christmas!!!! no bad behaviour breaks on Christmas break!....  Denise |
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