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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 12, 2003 19:45:52 GMT -5
OK, I am convinced I have the world most intrusive mother-in-law. I do not get along with this woman at all. She is constantly in our business, making threats about our kids, and just all around mean. I am not kidding she is mean. The problem is that I never have the guts to stand up to her. Actually, I think I do not have them b/c I think it is my husbands job to stand up to his mother. I do not think it is my place. But...he doesn't and it is making my life miserable. We have decided not to go home for Thanksgiving. It is too hard on our kids to drive 3 hours visit 3 different familes and then come home the next day.  We have decided to have our friends and their children come for the weekend. Well, through the grapevine I hear that my MIL is going to show up on the day before Thanksgiving and demand that my kids spend the holiday with her. I know my husband will never let this happen. We don't let her take the kids for weekends anymore b/c she refuses to give meds and when they come home they are like demon children.  She has also made other threats, but has abondaned them now. I just do not know how to stand up to her. I know she is going to call me 15 times and make threats and cry and tell me how mean I am. (not her son, just me) I also know she is probably going to just show up here, walk in my house, and then tell my kids that thay are going "home" with her. Then when I say no, she storms out and I have to fix the broken hearts.  (she usually plans this kind of stuff when she knows my husband is at work) If it was up to me I would put a no contact order on her, but my husband says he cannot do that to his mother. As far as I am concerned, she can take a flyin' leap! I am just starting to build up my self esteem and I think it is time I learn how to deal with this kids of crap...so how do I???  ...thanks...Becky |
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Post by Allanque on Nov 12, 2003 19:48:26 GMT -5
Hmm...y'know, they make this thing called "Caller ID" - I think it might be a good investment in your case. If her number shows up, oops! You're not home. Or you can make your husband call her back.
As for her just showing up and walking in...do you have door locks?
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Post by LitlBaa on Nov 13, 2003 1:55:35 GMT -5
My former husband's mom sounds similar to your MIL. After I started my daughter on meds, she told me I was risking my child's life, and this came from my side of the family because her family didn't act like this, and on and on, so I stopped answering the phone, refused to let my daughter go there, because she wouldn't give the meds and then I was scraping my daughter off the ceiling for the rest of the day. Getting in people's faces is one of my talents so I don't have that problem, but if you need that extra resolve to stand up to her, just remember that your primary responsibility is to your children. Period. No matter who you tick off, who you bother, or whose feelings you hurt, you have the right and the responsibility to do the very best thing for your kids. It sounds to me like being around that woman is not in your kids best interests. You might also try planning something fun for you and the kids to do over the weekend, then they have something to look forward to and the trip with Grandma may not be as appealing.
Best of luck to you. I'll say a prayer!
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Post by Beckie on Nov 13, 2003 3:01:44 GMT -5
My husband's Step-mother is /just/ like this. Only, she's bad on the follow-through. She says she's coming, and doesn't and I still have to fix broken hearts.
In my case, I just blew up one day. She said she was coming to get my kids no matter what I liked or had planned and I just lost it. It did help that my husband doesn't get along with his father or step-mother, so I didn't have to worry about fighting with him afterward.
My best suggestion is to just finally give in and tell her to go the heck away until she can respect you and your family. Sometimes, you just have to 'lose it'
That's not really advice, just what I've found from my own situation. Whatever you decide, I hope that it isn't too stressful on you or the kids!
((HUGS))
Beckie
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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 13, 2003 9:44:36 GMT -5
Blowing is a good idea, but I have tried it. She laughs right in my face and then tells my husband I am a real *&^%$ and once even threatened to slap me if I ever talked like that to her again. That did not go over well with Jerry (husband) but in like a week he got over it. I think she knows she is driving me nuts and she likes that. I even tried the kill her with kindness thing...no luck. As awful as it sounds, someday she will be old and not able to leave the house and then she can't come here.  |
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Post by lovemyson on Nov 13, 2003 10:46:06 GMT -5
Honeysmom-- I am convinced we have the same MIL. Only diff is mine lives right around the corner. UGH. I too will say a prayer for you to give you the strength to deal with her. I know I pray for myself everyday for the same reason! I my case my husband has never taken my side for anything..... Makes it real dificult. Hang in there! Remember the kids!
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Post by basketcase on Nov 13, 2003 10:47:15 GMT -5
Hey, just wanted you to know that I sympathize OH SO MUCH. My mother in law is like yours, and it has been hard to deal with for me, too. We won't be going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, its also a 3 hr. drive for us, but, if family relations were better we'd do it regardless of the drive.
The last time we were at my mother in laws house, it was Thanksgiving, 2 yrs. ago. Like you, I've been putting up with her bs for years and years. She was telling my step daugher she was going to keep her that night and take her christmas shopping the next day - in front of my kids, who she hardly acknowledges. And without asking if we had any plans before telling my step daughter this. She just does what she wants, it doesn't matter what we think or say, never has. Anyway, we only had my step daughter for a few days for visitation, and my mother in law goes and gets her anytime she feels like it from my step daughers moms house. She didn't have to get her on one of the only days my husband and I had with her. My husband told his mom that it really wasn't a good time and they could go shopping later, and then told her that she really shouldn't do that in front of the other kids since she wasn't planning on taking them shopping, too, that she could just discuss that stuff when my kids weren't around if she wasnt' going to treat them all the same. She started cussing and fussing and yelling, telling my husband that she could get HER grandkids ANYTIME without HIS permission, how DARE HE think he could tell her it WASN'T A GOOD TIME??? I told her that he was just trying to spend some time with her, and that it did make the other kids feel disappointed when they were always left out. She told me to "SHUT UP AND MIND MY OWN BUSINESS" and when I told her not to talk to me like that, she then said that I told HER to shut up, and in her own house, too! She then proceeded to tell my husband and I to "Get the h-ll out of my house, you aren't welcome here!". I told her as soon as I got my dishes togather I'd brought food in, I'd leave and not until then. We gladly left when we had our stuff and the kids rounded up, and we haven't been back. She calls maybe once every 3 months or so, has never been here to our home. She is a martyr type, she tells everyone how BAD we treated her, and this kind of stuff has been going on since we married. I just always tried to be the nice one and hope it would rub off on her. Some people you can't change, but y ou don't have to subject yourself and your family to them. I don't have to be treated like that and my kids don't have to be dismissed the way she does t hem. She absolutely isn't an asset to our life. Sad, but true.
So now she just talks about us negatively and tries to get my step kids to "like her better" and spend christmas and thanksgiving with her instead of us. Its a battle, some kind of game with her to see if she can get them to be on her "side", and sometimes it works. I'm sick of all of it. And honestly relieved that we don't have to deal with it anymore.
If your husband isn't going to stand up to her, you do it. Don't let her see you UPSET, say what you want to say, but be calm. If you "lose it", she'll see you as out of control and know she has gotten the best of you, but if you are cool calm and collected, it may throw her off some. She may still laugh in your face, but it won't be as satisfying for her. You don't have to be belittled or called a b*tch. Tell her whatever you have to make her understand that all that is over, you will be respected, and if she continues to laugh in your face and degrade you with words, tell her she's just hurting herself. I wouldn't want my kids around someone that is putting me down and the kids seeing her do it, or knowing its going on. When she can respect you, she can have access to your family. I'd be firm about it. Unless my mother in law apologizes and has a personality turn around, things will stay as they are here. And she's not the type to take the high road and do the right thing, so I don't think I'll have to spend to much time thinking about that.
Hope your holidays are great no matter where you are.
Basketcase
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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 13, 2003 12:32:38 GMT -5
I guess on the bright side of this I think I will be a great MIL someday b/c I know how not to do it. ;D
It is sad to say, but through years of counseling, thanks to her, I think it actually has nothing to do with me, it is her son. I think she is one of these people who just will not let him go. She has relied on Jerry for years to help her raise her own kids and help out at home. (his dad chooses not to help and gets away with it!) I am told that because of this she does not have a normal relationship with Jerry. She sees him as more of a husband to her than me. I think that is why she hates me, because I took her son away from her. Of course I can't bring this up at home b/c Jerry feels weird about it. It is not a sexual thing, just some weird emotional thing. That is the real reason we moved 3 hours from home...to escape.
The part that really gets me is that Jerry will take my side at home, but then he will back down around her. I just want to tell him to stand up for himself, but he won't. She is the ONLY person he won't too. Wish I had that kind of power.
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Post by on_edge on Nov 13, 2003 13:57:31 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I had to divorce the son to get rid of the MIL because I couldn't stand up to her. I think the fear of confrontation comes from my mom who constantly harped " Don't make waves." I kept my sanity with her because she was also doing the same thing to the other DIL.
Ex-hubby was such a wimp himself with her that she ruled my marriage and home. She decided to get even with me when I stood up to her that she hid my children from me for two days. The law didn't do anything to her. She would show up at really odd hours to inspect my house, called protective services/police to report child neglect or abuse whenever pissed (nothing ever came out of the reports), send me nasty notes in the mail, go to my parents and their friends with lies, say very negative stuff to my kids about me, etc. On Christmas, she would buy for everyone in the family but me and then announce to everyone that "oops, she forgot." My first Christmas with my husband she separated us at the dinner table. My husband sat with his family in the dining room and I sat in the garage with the kids. The only adult excluded.
When I remarried, she tried to continue the same pattern, but new hubby told her that there were things that she does that could be misconstrued as immoral and illegal and it would be a shame to put it in a court document. He then gave her the phone number of our lawyer we had consulted with.
Now, we just hear from her maybe once a year. My new MIL loves on the the east coast while we live on the west coast, but she has been considerate of me.
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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 13, 2003 14:50:04 GMT -5
That is my biggest fear. She really thinks that she has some right to them. While it would be great if they had a good realtionshop (MIL and kids) I don't think it is mandatory. If it comes to it we will move further away again. We made the mistake of staying in the state. If we would have moved to Minnesota like I wanted, she wouldn't travel that far. I wonder if this is a problem men have with their in-laws. I know Jerry thinks mine are high on their horse, but they always treat him with respect. Then again he has no problem standing up to MY parents, just his. |
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Post by sierra on Nov 13, 2003 15:39:42 GMT -5
Haven't read all the replies but here are my ideas. To avoid this particular confrontation I would do the following.
Let the answering machine pick up so you can screen the calls. If it's your mother in law don't pick up.
The day before Thanksgiving don't be home. Go do something fun with the kids instead. Don't return home until your husband is off work.
As far as the bigger problem of your mother in law is your husband just not willing or able to stand up to her or does she make it a habit to try and work behind his back when he's not home? Talk out some scenarios with your husband and see what he's comfortable with.
If she works behind his back you could start by telling her that she must call you before coming to your house because you may not be there or may be unable to entertain. Then make it stick. If she shows up without notice open the door slightly and tell her now is not a convenient time and shut the door. If you've got one of those chain locks that lets you open the door a crack use it.
Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them. Nice people let them. That's what they depend on is you being nice. Sometimes you have to be less nice than who you really are with manipulaters.
But remember who will really be inconvenienced and will really be hurt if you let your mother in law keep taking advantage of you. You and your kids.
Is this the same woman who gave your son a BB gun? If it is then you have a right and a duty to limit her access to your children. She's a danger to them. You don't know what she'd let them do in her home when you're not present.
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Post by Honeysmom on Nov 13, 2003 17:23:08 GMT -5
Yes! She is the BB gun lady Still have tears over that one. I think she will try to come between Jerry and I as long as she know he won't stand up to her, but if she thinks he might stand his ground then she will work behind his back. Your ideas seem gutsy to try, but that is what I am going for so I will have to try them out. Thanks for the advice...Becky |
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Post by sierra on Nov 14, 2003 23:50:01 GMT -5
Well as I chew on this some more I guess you better think about what she might do when you shut the door in her face. Would she damage property? Throw a rock through a window for instance?
I don't know your mother in law so it's hard to think of all the possibilities. I don't know how far she would go. I know how far some of my relatives go though so I'm thinking about possibilities. You may have to be prepared to call the police. Now your mother in law may make some outrageous claims about you if you do but the fact is she's on your property and if she damages it she's breaking the law. So don't let any crazy stories get your goat. Tell the police she sent your 4 yo son a bb gun for his birthday and you can't let her take your children unsupervised. I bet that would be the end of the discussion as far as the police are concerned. It would be up to you whether to press charges on property damage.
I'm thinking about how crazy it could get in the future. Just not being there for her to confront before Thanksgiving should do the trick in the short term.
What do you think? If she shows up on your doorstep and you don't let her in what's the worst that could happen? Be prepared for it and don't let it be a surprise.
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